Friend having twins ... What can i DO to help her ??

Hi all,

So sorry if it sounds like a blaze question but i guess i'd rather be prepared now and get some ideas.

My DD who is 3.5 her best friend she has known since she was 4mths old (they are two months apart in age) well her Mother is pregnant with twins which are due in August.

I'm pretty sure she is still in shock and i get the feeling she has grave concerns of how she will cope ... to begin with her DH didn't do alot to help her with her DD when a baby (eg, he wouldn't change nappies) ... he only works part-time and enjoys doing so at 55years of age (she is early 30's), they have concerns now of how they will cope financially in the long run and that their house they recently purchased is far too small.
My DP & i get the feeling that they may have wished they had only put in one egg via the help with IVF and not two. We are not the closest of friends and she only tried for a few months to fall pregnant whereas we had been trying until recently for 2.5years.

I don't want her to feel guilty about being pregnant around me which she has mentioned if anything i'm clearly so excited for them but also worried about how she will cope so on that note can you lovely ladies PLEASE give me some ideas as to what she is to expect with twins (and what reactions might be expected of her nearly 4year old) and more importantly what can i do to help her ?? Any suggestions or tips would be so greatly appreciated (she doesn't know i'm asking and i'd rather she didn't know i was here asking IYKWIM) ;)

TIA for any helpful ideas, etc :D

My SIL has twins, so I can't speak of my own direct experience. One of my colleagues has 15 y/o triplets.

Both my SIL and my work colleague have said that their membership to the Multiple Births Association is by far the most valuable support they received before and after the births of their bubs. I know my SIL still gets support from her multiples mothers group. Perhaps you could put your friend in touch with her local MBA, or buy her a membership (I don't know what, if any, their fees are).

Um....other than that, my DH and I steered clear of buying too much "stuff" for my SIL because she had so much given to her already. Instead, we gave her and her DH gift vouchers for Myer or Target, to try and allow them to buy what they needed that might not have already been given to them.

GL to her and her family.

Cooking easy freeze and re-heat meals that she can eat one-handed as she won't have time for cooking.

Arrange to take her oldest child out with your DD a couple of times a week even for an hour so she has some break times.

Get her a big whiteboard with textas so that she can write notes and organise herself eg. writing when each twin fed, slept etc so she can keep track.

Offer to mind the twins for 15 min each day so that she can have a shower.

Tahnt's all I can think of at the moment.

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Cooking easy freeze and re-heat meals that she can eat one-handed as she won't have time for cooking.

Arrange to take her oldest child out with your DD a couple of times a week even for an hour so she has some break times.

Get her a big whiteboard with textas so that she can write notes and organise herself eg. writing when each twin fed, slept etc so she can keep track.

Offer to mind the twins for 15 min each day so that she can have a shower.

Tahnt's all I can think of at the moment.

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:goodidea Yep what she said ESP the meal thing. Also even offer to just be in the house to watch the kids so she can have a sleep.

............... Thanks heaps lovely ladies, some fab ideas there (Nai, i love the idea of the whiteboard :D)

Her DD will start 4year old Kinder this year so that will help that she will be in Kinder 4hours x 3days per week ... so i guess the days she has her at home i could take her DD for awhile to play with my DD (only prob her DD is clingy, she won't even stay with her Nan for long so i'm hoping that will change soon ... whenever i see her now i've noticed she sits on my lap more for cuddles).

Anymore ideas please feel free to throw 'em my way as have some time as twins are due August ;)

Big thing here is I ask friends with kids around DS' age to come around and bring their LOs. It gives DS someone to play with so I can focus on the girls. Might sound crazy but it works for me.

Mates of ours had twins, and also had a 3 year old. We would look after the older child occasionally to give Mum a break, time just with the littlies. We dropped a casserole in once a week or fortnight for the first year. It helped just having one meal that was healthy, and they didn't have to plan or cook. As the kids got older, we now get to mind them too when the older child needs a bit of attention- or Mum just wants to get her hair done without 3 littlies in tow.

We have also gone over for dinner, but taken everything with us. That way, the kids still get their regular bedtime routines and we get to share dinner together without them having to make it all.

Thanks heaps Kate & Rhyb :hug:

(Rhyb i have to say your pic there looks like 3 of the cutest little gumnuts huddled together ... just simply adorable :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:)

I definitely agree with cooking and freezing meals. A few friends did this for me and it was an absolutle godsend and I only had one baby. Also going and visiting her would be nice too as she might have trouble getting out initially. If you are comfortable enough do a little bit of housework while you're there or like already suggested look after her kiddies so she can have a shower.

Hi there. Aren't you a good friend! I have 4 month old twins and I know exactly what would have helped me in the beginning! Someone to run down to do the groceries ( or sit down to do the online order), and I definitely agree with cooking meals. But do you know the biggest thing? Running a broom or vac or mop over the floors without being asked. Hanging a load of wash out. Etc. I found I had people wanting to come over to look after the babies so I could cook and clean. Sounds reasonable I suppose but what people don't realize with twins is that you are so so busy with feeding, changing and trying to stay on top of the domestic stuff that you miss out on the special cuddles with your babies. I still find it hard to get that 'gazing into each others eyes' time with them. I am so busy trying to stay on top of everything that the only real time I get to hold them is when I'm feeding them. What twin mums want is someone to come over and help out with the house stuff so that we can have some special time with our bubs.
Hope that helps!!

.......... thanks heaps ladies, looks like meals to pop in her freezer are gonna be a * must * as she recently told me her DH doesn't know how to cook !!!

Being the mum of two year old twins myself the biggest shock to the system and most difficult thing to cope with for me was the lack of sleep. Neither of my girls ever slept at the same time and it was hectic to say the least. If anyone would have offered to watch one while I and the other had a sleep it would have been a godsend.
Also something that i have done for a friend is go and visit and while there do some washing up or clean the bathroom or something. They may tell you not to worry, but insist and they will certainly appreciate it :)

having twins that are currently 3.5 weeks old, I can safely say the most appreciative thing is the food, the housework whilst would be lovely - can always wait, I find that I'm only eating one meal a day because in between the feeding, changing, burping, I only have time to get around to a meal around 6-7 pm.

Even buying a BBQ chook with some salad leaves and bread rolls is the most appreciative thing!

Taking them some healthy food they can easily reheat is a winner, who wouldn't love that! Reading their situation I can't help but comment on the father..... Perhaps you can assist him in finding another days work (or even 1/2 a days work) and that money can pay for a cleaner once a week! So what if he is 55 and enjoys part time work, they chose to have more children and he should look after them. That may sound harsh but it's JMO

Thanks so much Cherish for your wonderful input ... (wasn't sure what your comment mean't about his age ... His a young at heart & fit for 55, though does have some recent health issues but that could happen to anyone at any given age, and yeh just cause one is older shouldn't determine whether they should be a parent again or not, i think you mean't it like that in a positive way Cherish :D)

His line of work isn't the same as mine or DP's so in that area we can't help him at all but he did mention yesterday that he is now looking for full-time work in his profession cause otherwise they are simply not going to make ends met financially with two newborns on the way, mortgage re-payments (they only purchased their 1st home last year), etc ...

DP & i spoke with them last night that they should get out together now more than ever, just the two of them before the twins are here and that we would gladly babysit their other child as often as they like !!

entered in wrong thread - sorry.x

I had a few friends make me meals in the early weeks which was really nice but what I really remember was my sister making me meals in the last couple of months of my pregnancy. I was so horribly tired and uncomfortable I could barely function and I used to stop by her place after my OB visits as she was close to his office. She would always be making me a meal to take home with me. Honestly, after a day when I'd had to drive to the OB (which sapped all my energy!) coming home and not having to cook dinner was WONDERFUL.

In the first couple of weeks after the babies were born, I coped pretty well - you know, they sleep all the time and DH was home from work. Once they hit about 6 weeks it got really tough and THAT's when I could have used some meals etc. Or what i would have loved is someone to drop by and just put the babies in the pram and go for a walk to the park or something so I could have a rest or do something OTHER than look after babies!

Also, if you're going to go round to help, don't go there and say 'is there anything I can do' because all of us just say 'oh no, I'm fine, thanks' go in, look around and say 'does the floor need a vacuum, where's the vacuum cleaner' or 'shall I clean the bathroom for you' or whatever it is you want to do.

I hope she is coping well!

Well, looks like a change of plans ... and i don't want to sound cruel saying this as we are not ' close ' friends ' as such, she is someone i have known since my DD was 4mths old & her & my DD adore each other but i have found since she has been pregnant she doesn't seem to want my help in anyway ... i have had health issues since last December and when i went in for surgery this January she didn't even bother to ring me before going in to hospital let alone ask me anything when i came home to recover like as if nothing happened ... and since my OP she hasn't asked me not once how i am cause i have told her i have had complications since the surgery and am going to have my 3rd lot of blood tests this week and hopefully find the GP will find more answers next Wed when i get the results.

I find whenever i ring her now she doesn't want to hear anything about me yet i have to listen to every single detail about her pregnancy (which she whinges about alot, keeping in mind she was the one who decided to put two eggs in with IVF and it was her second go within months, so she took that chance of being pregnant with twins ... and she very well knows DP & I have been trying TTC #2 bub for 3years and she know we can no longer have another child) ... she doesn't stop to think about the details she tells me like for example when her DD (who is same as my DD) when they go out shopping and hear babies crying how she & her DD talk about them have ' babies ' in their house soon and how wonderful it will be. Then she asks me if i think that's lovely and i do at first but then i can't escape the thought that i will NEVER have that conversation with my own DD as we are no longer able to have another child. And when ever i visit (which i hardly do now) the entire visit is talking about what she has bought for the nursery, and she has to show me everything and then she whinges the whole time about being pregnant. Every 5mins she is rubbing her pregnant belly looking at me.

I don't want her & her DH to be walking on egg shells with my DP & but at least hold back with some things, if anything i'm actually happy she feels she can share the joy with us but at times it starts to weigh very heavy on our hearts listening to every detail at every visit or if we run into them or if we talk on the phone.

I know it's not just me as my DP recently said he feels even he can't go visit them until the babies are born as it's getting to him. He like me said of course the conversation of the twins is to be spoken about and we wouldn't want it to be any other way and we are so darn happy for them as we know the emotional pain we have been through in trying for another baby. But it becomes far too much for my DP & i when clearly her & her DH are clearly not bothering to think about our situation and how sensitive some topics can be ... they just don't seem to care about how we feel let alone truly care about our situation. We were there for them every step of the way with their two attempts of IVF but they have never asked us once how we are with our own 3year TTC journey which has sadly come to an end and they KNOW that.

So ladies i hope i don't sound insensitive or harsh in any way, i just know DP & i could never do what they are doing to another couple in our situation ... in fact i know that cause when i was pregnant with our DD we were around our SIL who didn't know if she could have children and we never spoke about my pregnancy, i sat with my pregnant belly talking about other subjects, as we didn't want to appear to glot or hurt her in anyway.

Anyway, on that note ladies ... the most i will do is give her some meals to freeze after the babies are born and always offer to babysit her DD when need be ... i think that's still helping her ... and keep my eye out in OP shops for anything she say's she short of in baby clothing etc ... DO YOU LADIES THINK THAT'S OK & ENOUGH TO HELP HER ??? :dunno:

Thanks again ladies for all your help & in put, hope you can put yourselves in my shoes and understand where i am coming from with this post.

Hugs hun I understand how you feel. I know its not all about money, but I had friends who I spent a fortune on when they had bubs who hardley even asked how I was etc when DS1 was born consequently not friends now.

You do what feels ok for you, if you don't want to do meals etc dont.

Its very rude to always talk about ones self and never ask how others are doing especially when people have had issues themselves.

that's the thing feeb the money for IVF they inherited from his Father passing just before they started it ... i get the feeling they think having gone through IVF twice and having to go through all that physically is harder than us NOT having a child at all.
Infact my DP bought it to my attention the amount of needles & blood tests & medication let alone surgery i have been through in 3years adds up to probably more the two rounds of IVF if i was gonna look at it that way. Oh god i sound dreadful in saying it but it's true.

and thank you so much Feeb for making me not feel guilty if i don't feel i can help at times as at the end of the day they haven't ever helped us so i shouldn't worry too much about that but at the same time i just want her to know i am here if she feels she does need to ask for help. I've even offered to babysit her DD heaps recently before babies are here so her & her DH can spend some time together for now.

Sadly i have never felt comfortable around her but her DH is just the most wonderful bloke and being in a town even if it is big it's hard to escape people here as i did more than a year ago try to end the friendship (if you can call it that) by not contacting her but she was persistant and she kept leaving me messages i could see she got upset at the thought of something ending between us so therefore i couldn't end it.

Wow - cooking and babysitting sounds like HEAPS of help to me, especially as you have your own family to take care of. Seriously please don't think any more thoughts of that not being enough.
Unfortunately some people are just more self centred than others and this person sounds very engrossed in her own experiences with little thought for your feelings etc - from all your posts you seem to be a very kind, thoughtful and caring person. It sounds really sensible to not over invest in a relationship that is so one sided (apologies if this sounds harsh but I felt quite upset for you after reading your update).

... oh thank you Mak your beautiful words gave me some tears but happy ones :heartbeat:

and your comment is so very true, i'm never one to invest in a friendship that is one sided ... i keep contact with her more so cause her & my DD are sweet little best friends and that being in a town it is a very hard situation to avoid someone so it's actually easier to just know them but what i do now is i don't keep the contact as frequent but it's still there and both her & my lives have gotten busier which has worked out for me !! (heartfelt thanks again Mak, i feel better now hearing i'm doing 'enough ' :D) xOx