Same donor or different donor for siblings?

My partner wants all our children to all be conceived using the same donor so that they are all biologically related (since we will be sharing the roles of being tummy mummies).

Is it important for siblings to all be biologically related?

Is that possible without costing a fortune to buy and store the amount of donor vials needed for both of us to get pregnant?

Would it be easier if we had a known donor?

And if a known donor would be easier how do we find one?



I like the term tummy mummy by the way. Very cute :clap:

I did introduce myself in another forum but it hasn't come up yet so I'll do it here.

I'm Rachel (26) and my partner is Jo (30). We have been discussing starting a family for sometime now and are planning to go to through Queensland Fertility Group as soon as possible. Our next step is to choose a Fertility Specialist and attend the initial appointments. We live in Toowoomba and although there is a Queensland Fertilify Group Clinic in Toowoomba we have decided to go to Brisbane (that was the adivce given to me). More doctors in Brisbane to choose from and apparently they can all charge differently for the same treatment (I don't understand why).

Anyway we are just starting out the the journey and it seems like such a long road to ahead of us. It's very daunting and I (being the tummy mummy) have so much to learn since I have not had much to do with babies as Jo has. But I love kids and want a family so badly.

I guess if it is important for them to be related is different for everybody.. it may not be of great concern to some. For us personally, it is really important that all our children share the same donor. For start, we dont want to be mothers who have children to multiple fathers.. we'd like our children to have the possibility of sharing the same traits/ looks etc. Plus we think it bonds us together a little more considering we will both be tummy mummies also, that the children are all related biologically.
I know blood doesn't mean family and families are made up of many different situations etc, but for us it is what we wanted!
We specifically looked for a donor who would be willing to donate now as well as in the future for more children between both my partner and I. We were lucky to find a donor which suited us and also lives interstate and is not interested in being involved in bubs life etc.. but will be known to the child in the future if the child chooses.
There are many options available but Im not sure how it works with storing for the future etc. Depends what sort of donor you are after, known, unknown. Cheapest and easiest way I'd say is with a known donor who is willing to donate in the future also, like what we are doing. Good luck!!

How do you find a known donor? Is there websites or forums somewhere to find donors?

And is there a list of meanings for all the acronyms this site uses? I'm seriously getting lost with the TTC and BFN and so on... :lol:

It's not a situation I expect I'll find myself in, but if I were in that position, I'd probably want the same donor - there's the medical reasons (you'll only need to ask for one set of family history) as well as the "looking similar" thing... Also, if your partner is going to carry any future kids, they'd still bd blood relations (not that it particularly matters...)

there's a list of abbreviations in another part of the forums, I'd post the link but I'm on my iPod :p

I didn't use a known donor so I won't answer on that, but in terms of the FS to see at QFG - I highly recommend Dr. Kilvert, he's great about registering treatment so that you get the maximum back from medicare, and he's lovely too.

The thread with all the abbreviation info is here... https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...-acronyms.html

My husband and I are using a sperm donor - so we have similar decisions to make.

To answer the question about using the same donor - if we decide to go again I will be using the same donor. We have his sperm in storage at the IVF clinic we used. I would prefer this so that the children know that they have the same biological background.

To answer the question about known donors - we were very lucky that we had a friend that was willing to help us out. Our FS recommended asking people that we knew, although this friend stepped forward before we needed to start asking around.

Your other options are asking a family member (which unfortunately didn't work out for us) or I *think* there are advertisements in different newspapers.

I know there is a site for egg donors - not so sure for sperm donors

Hopefully that's been of some help.

We used an unknwon donor so may not have the luxury. We'd prefer it because Shel will be bio-mum next time so that would be nice for Jazz, but it won't change our decision to have another child if we can't use the same donor.

Thanks Shades for the FS recommendation. He was actually the one that I was going to start with. And thank you for the link to the abbreviations forum. I tried looking before I asked but obviously didn't look hard enough :D

We have thought about asking family members. Not sure if my family would be too accepting of that and I think it would make telling our children the truth more difficult. But I do love the idea of me using a donor from Jo's family and Jo using a donor from my family.

Really wishing that I could just produce the little swimmers myself :lol: Wouldn't that be great. Ahh...*signs*... I can only dream.

As Sal will be the only tummy mummy, we have been very lucky in that all our kids will be biologically 'the same' ( not that I truly believe it matters, but it is nice for a familly to look similar) We went through Melbourne IVF and have friends of ours that are about to start IUI with the same donor as their little girl, but with a different tummy mummy. They have incured more costs to do it that way, as Melb IVF insist on treating the second tummy mummy as a brand new patient, not as the partner of someone who has already done the journey, but they were quite happy to 'hold' enough sperm for their family to have as many kids as they want, regardless as to who is carrying them.
Good luck on your journey ladies, hope to see you in the preg announcements forum soon
:bluedust:

Hi

well it is a difficult choice for some and not so hard for others.

for me i would like my son and the next baby to be related - as my g/f and i have 3 children between us from different relationships.

so her two children have the same biological parents -both bio mum and clinic donor.

whereas my son was conceived using a known donor.

both situations present complex problems - we all have different surnames - and it is a little confusing trying to decide whether we use a completely new donor for child # 4 - or the same donor as i did 3 years ago.

this will essentially create - 2 adults with different surnames to each other and the kids, 2 girls from my partner with different surnames to us and my son. then a baby who has a different name entirely. solution???? who knows....

what makes a family - blood, surnames, who knows - i guess really it is the idea that 2 people, or 1 or 3 or more want to have kids together in some way - raising and changing as time evolves......with the common goal of being a family unit.

so i guess my awnser would be - stick with the same donor if you can - try for a known donor if you prefer. otherwise choose an unknown donor and freeze extra straws.

cheers and best of luck,

Levi :)

Well we've recently found out that our donor is no longer available so our kids won't be biologically related.

But, I do truly believe that love makes a family.
Not being biologically related doesn't mean they love each other less, as is the case in step-families, adoptions and foster care situations.

Thanks for your comments everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss my worries.

I believe that love is what makes a family. Surnames don't really matter but I grew up with a different surname to my mum and I always want it to be the same when I was a kid. I think will might hyphen our surname so that our kids can be the same.

We are going to try for a known donor who will hopefully be the donor for all our kids. Going to try home insemination first.

Now all we need is to find a donor

Why would there be different surnames?

My partner, myself and Jazz all have the same surname. I changed mine very easily, it was just one form, when I was pregnant.

I guess some people prefer to retain their names and pass on a hypenated name to their child - i like this idea - in preference to everyone having the same name. why is there the push for gay and lesbian couples to want desperately to be the same as hetrosexual couples in the recognition of everyone having the same name. Surnames do matter - but not everyone wants to give up their own surname and take on a partners - jsut for the sake of recognition.

Surnames indicate heritage, culture and where you come from. my background is important to me and i want to pass that onto my children - hypenated surnames are a good way of doing it without losing my name in the process.

i don't believe in changing my name to my partners - i wouldn't do it if i was married to a man. I made the mistake of changing my name to my partners surname at the time when i was 19 and it was the wrong decision for her and I.

Idon't necessarily think that in a nation where marriage is not recognised - simply changing your name so that everyone is the same is enough. I have no desire to be like everyone else.

Fine for you but I was just suggesting it since you mentioned the issue of same surnames so :dunno:

I changed my name for a number of reasons I've explained in other posts so I won't mention it again (but feel free to track them down) but it wasn't for a pseudo-marriage ceremony or to pretend we are the same or had recognition. Sometimes having surname as a lasting reminder of the family you came from isn't sunshine and roses.

Neither of us want to change our surnames again. We've both been down that road and are happy to be back to our maiden names. We both like having the sense of belonging to our families.

I didn't feel that way about my maiden name for quite a few years which was why I was happy to change it when I was 20. But that's a whole other story.

So the only compromise now is who's surname goes first :lol:

I think it should be mine, but only cos it comes first alphabetically :lol:

Girlfriends of mine didn't hyphenate, but name an entire new surname out of their existing ones. IMO - it was better than the names they started with. :)

Unfortunately for us, if we changed our surnames to the same, we would have EXACTLY the same name! :lol:
Sally & Sally

lol :lol: That would be annoying.
Must be confusing enough having your first names the same.

Same dads? I have to admit this is what I want. Somewhat for biological reasons, but also it means only having one other person involved in the family beyond the two mums. Also, when the kids are older they can go together to spend time with their dad.

Names, hmm. I want my surname to continue. I have positive associations with it.
I guess the options are: hyphens, partners name as a middle name, baby has bio mums name (would this make it easier with birth certificates etc)....gosh it's something to think about isn't it!

JORACH: Do you still need info about sites to search for donors?

Yes we still do. Jo my partner found one... but since I' ve started back at work I haven't been able to put as much time into donor search, so if you have any suggestions that would be great!

Thank you for the list.

The Yahoo site (Prenancy- Lifestyle Message Board) seems to be the most popular. So hopefully we will find one soon.

Thanks again! :)

Me and my personally want to go down this route as I am really passionate about there being some underlying connection between them all apart from me as the 'Tummy Mummy' . I think this is because at first I wanted to use a known donor who was a friend that would mean all of our children were biological related. But since we both changed are mind on that front and wanted an anonymous donor...we still want the same thing. Although it might create some issues at first. But if we can't do it that way then we will have to look into using different donors for our other children

As for surnames although we haven't started TTC yet we want hyphenated surname, this is because we couldnt decide so found it easier that way and solved the problem of arguing over who's name our child would have.

Alot of couples do create a surnames using half and half of theirs and their partners surnames but everyone is different and thats what makes us unique.

My DD's both have different fathers, however they were both conceived while I was in relationships with them, so it IS very different.

I think if I was starting out from scratch, and using a donor, I would like to use the same donor for all my children, so that they'd be biologically related.

A friend of mine has just found out she's having twins & they used the same donor as they did with their DD :)