Feeling a little empty

I'm sad :(

I'm sad because I'm starting work next week, this is my last week of being a SAHM. Probably forever. I'll never get to do this again :( If I take up the training I am being offered, I have to sign a contract to stay with them for x number of years after the training finishes in 2013, which takes baby-making off the table for me for at least 5-10 years.

Shel is having the next one, TTC within the next 12-18 months, so its not like we'll never have another baby in the house, but we can't even do what we have done now (swap roles once bub is 18ish months) because even if i could leave my job, which I won't be able to because I will probably still be training or have JUST finished my training, Shel is completly untrained, unskilled, and the chances of her getting a job that could actually support us as a family of 4 anywhere except where she is about to leave is pretty slim. We've talked about her studying, but she isn't sure.

And I don't think I could turn down the opportunity and give up $12,000 worth of training :( I'd be basically out of a job as they want staff to have the training.

I've been fooling myself, thinking "it's not forever" but I just feel it inside of me that I'll never do this again, I'll never be a SAHM again, never give birth, never.

I also contacted our clinic yesterday, after a post on here got me thinking, and found out that our donor is no longer available. So there will never be another little Jazzy :crying: I don't even know why that affects me so much, it was always a possibility, in fact it was pretty much a given, but it just twangs a little.

No replies needed, no answers or suggestions, I just needed to get it out, I've been carrying it around for a while but never really knew what it was.
Please don't say "you're only 23" because it won't make me feel better, and there are too many things in the way for me to be able to have another bub in 10 years. It's not like it can accidentally happen... and we only want two, maybe three kids, and we want to stop once the oldest is 10, and ultimately Shel just can't support us since she has no job prospects (I'm not being mean, she left in year 10, is almost 29, has no qualifications, so just doesn't have the capacity to find another job once she leaves, and she doesn't want to go back into cleaning).
So unless something dramatic changes, this is it...

Just feeling a bit ... sad, a bit empty. Shel never wanted to physicaly have kids, so I always thought I'd have another go, and now she has said she wants to. I guess it's just all hit me at once. I don't feel like I can say any of this to her though, because she wants to experience pregnancy and birth and be the bio-mum, and I want her to because she wants to. I want her to be SAHM to Jazz, I want them to have that together, I think they deserve it, and I am excited about my job and evolving career. I don't want her to feel like decisions she makes are upsetting me, and its my issue anyway.

Anyway... now its out. I'm sad because I'll probably never give birth again. Never be a SAHM again. I feel a little fragile.

:hug:

Darl, you've got a right to feel sad, it's hard when life changes.

But take it from an old fart ... life has a way of working out in ways that we can't predict no matter how much we try to find 'solutions' in our head.

I hope you don't mind me saying ... but that sounds like a pretty weird contract - wouldn't that be sex discrimination if they don't 'allow' you to take time off to have babies. Does the service have to be continuous?

In terms of Shel's prospects ... I know a few people who also left school in Year 10 and had a career change (or GOT a career) in their late 30s, some with study, some without. Friends of mine now run a backpackers after years of jobs here and there, another friend started studying to become a nurse after being a barmaid for much of her adult life - when she was 38 and other friends are now raking it on the mines after moving to WA in their early 40s with no mining experience whatsoever.

I know you said you didn't want replies but I just wanted to offer some reassurance - even though what I've written might be more annoying than reassuring at this point in time.

:hug: thinking of you hun.

:comfort:

Being pregnant is just beautiful isn't it?

:hug:

huge hugs leash xx

:hug:

:hug::hug:

Thanks everyone xxxxx

(feeling a little better, and i got AF about 5 minutes ago so :pms: bloody AF emotionals :wall:)

:grouphug:

Its totally normal to feel sad. They are massive changes!

Take special care of yourself hun. :hug:

Hugs darl

:hug:
:comfort:
xx

Awwww :hug:

(and I just quietly have to agree with Fiona, you just never know what the next decade may hold for you)

:hug: It's natural to feel a bit daunted about all of the changes you're about to go through. The only thing I would say is that, while you can make plans, things change, hun. Don't worry about what will happen in five or ten years, just get through this experience and the next exciting chapter. You never know what you may experience down the track or how things might change. ;)

Live in the moment and try to enjoy all the wonderful things that are about to happen. And most of all, don't dwell on possible regrets while you have AF!!



PS There'll never be another Jazzy, no matter what. That's why she's so special!

Special hugs to Fiona and marcellus and Jennifer - I know you are right. This time 4 months ago I had dropped out of study, was telling myself I'll neer be a teacher, and two months ago I got the job of a lifetime so I now how quick things change, it just seems to definite at the moment.

Jennifer :hug: :cry: Jazzy definitely is one of a kind xxx

Gentle :hug:

That is alot to deal wiith. We are all here for you :hug:

I have some very similar feeling atm Leash x I am looking for a job, have DS booked into childcare and am studying, I have come to realise that my days of SAHM are nearly all over forever and it is highly unlikely I will ever have another bub, DH is not interested at all and I dont even know if I really am.

It is hard to know that your life is about to completely change and you cant just go back to the way things were if you miss your old life IYKWIM.

I am so excited for you and your new working life in your very awesome job. You will still be Jazzy's mum, you will still spend time with her everyday and watch her grow and develope

just sending u some hugs, :hug: :hug:

Sending you hugs babe.
Its such a hard thing to cope with but as some very wise women here have said who knows what will happen in the future.

Just wanted to send you a few more :hug: & remind you that you are still very young. You have alot of baby making years left yet ;) 2013 is only 3 years away. If Shel has a baby in that time there's still another good 5 ish years til Jazz will be 10, & if your not secure enough in your job by then to have a baby or 2, then its just not fair!

My 1st and 3rd are 14 yrs apart and they love each other as much as if they were 4 yrs apart. OK thye don't have a heck of a lot in common atm LOL but they get on well and DD adores her little brother (mostly)

:hug: everyone, thank you. I did actually to chat to Shel, as soon as she came home she got a big ball of tears race at her and wail "I'll never be a SAHM again", and she laughed :doh: I feel a little better, but still can't really shake that feeling. :hug:

Hun you are still a mummy even when you aren't at home. I have only ever been home full time for a maximum of 8 months per child but I still enjoy them all and love them. Ideally I would love to work PT but since I am the main income earner that's impossible so you just do what you have to do to get by.
At least teaching is good hours and holidays!!

:hug: :hug:

More :hug: Leasha.

Everything about this parenting caper is so double edged huh?

Aw hun :hug: everything seems worse when Af is on her way ;)

Though many of the things you mentioned any woman would be sad about. But you know what......the next part of your life is VERY exciting too!
You'll always be one of Jazz's mummies and NOTHING can take that away:)

No matter what I say you'll have saddness towards this, its only normal, you're transitioning (SP).

Just know it'll all be ok :hug:

.......... oh Leasha yeh another old chickadee here to poke her nose (so sorry to :redface:) and SAY " What the hell have one at 40 like i did just make sure your not pregnant on your 40th birthday like me and you won't be able to have a darn drink at your own big birthday bash ", lol :lol:

***** Put all aside, i do truly deep down feel for you i DO know where you are coming from Leasha :hug:... and yep OMG there can be some twists & turns in life that we would never have dreamt about, i must have had a zillion of them just in my 30's ... so on that note look forward to what lays ahead, your work to enjoy & your beautiful Jazzy Jazz and one amazing partner AND anything else comes along well WOW what a BONUS and believe me those bonuses WILL come (and alot of the time when you least expect it) ;) xoxoxox

(for what it's worth my sister had her 1st child at 38 and she is a secondary school teacher .. don't know why i'm mentioning it, just thought i'd throw that in :D)

:hug: Leasha

:hug: Oh hun your so amazing, taing on this role to support your beautiful family! We will all be here to support you :hug: xxx