When did we stop trusting ourselves???

This may not make sense ....

But I was thinging the other day, why dont we trust ourselves and our bodues anymore..like wiht birth, breast feeding and being a parent in general?

Why do we "allow" Certain books and peole make us feel like we are not doing the right thing...especailly books written by people who dont have children, and no emotional connection to your child........they dont care how you feel afterward or during "training" etc they just want the money?

ALso why do put so much stress on sleep? Like we are going to spoil our babies by loving them? I never understood the whole CIO or CC when as an adult you can be cuddled to sleep and its perfectly ok yet for a baby to be loved and cuddled it is seen as spoiling or making a rod for your back.


Spose my rambling is why we cant trust our hearts and bodies to be the best parent and do the things that feel right and not worry about some crazy routine we have read in a abook by some woamn who clearly has no understanding of the humnan brain.


I have posted it in the gentle parenting section cause i beleive you have to do whats right as long as it is an educated descion...this isnt a thred about our parenting ways just a question as to why we go against all instincts and what our heart and body is telling us just cause of a book? Why are our instincts burried and why dont we listen to them?

Sorry hope you kinda get what I am saying...I am not very good at being smart lol

why indeed.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves when other started criticising our parenting and telling us how we should be doing things.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause health professionals told us we were doing it wrong and each told us their own way of doing things is better.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause during pregnancy we are given a Bounty Bag that is full of advertising and magazines telling us the 'right' way to do things.

Maybe we stopped trusting ourselves cause there is just too much parenting information out there and it confuses us all.

I am guessing its a sign of the times
In every aspect of our lives (not just parenting) we are told whats right and wrong by parents as we grow up but then we r so influenced by lots of other things as well
So its very hard on us to make chioces between what we think is right and what socitiy tells us is right

Very true Widdly and got1want1more......its sad though isnt...all this information shoved down our throats and we begin to second guess ourselves....when she should be supporting parents and mums whenever we can!

i agree with the other ladies - we're so often told what a baby should be doing at a certain age, what we should be doing with/for them. so much comparison, so much "advice" from people that may not have had a child in their care for many years (if ever).

i have been lucky - i have books i could read - but i've chosen not to as i trust my baby to tell me what she needs. the only book i've read is the wonder weeks - and that is for interest and to help others more than anything. i have a fantastic MCHN (the regular one) - she doesnt' say that a bubba should be doing x y and z - she asks if you have concerns and can she help you. i grew up in a house where kids were looked after all the time (FDC) and i observed different developmental rates in the kidlets.

i think as a society we need to encourage people to embrace instinct again. it's frowned upon in so many aspects of our lives and we tend to feel that most on our parenting journey. even sites like BB, as supportive as it is - it can make you doubt yourself - when you hear that your baby buddies are sleeping through, they've started solids, are crawling well before your bubba - it can do your head in! i guess it comes down to how you take it all in. i have tried (and sometimes failed i'll admit) to think of DD as an individual in her own right. if someone is stressing and i can use my experience to help them, i share - but i tend to preface everything with "every child is different" (or every pregnancy/experience etc).

Great thread!

I agree BG that society in general quashes instinct. I blame capitalism in part, because when someone needs to work, they don't have the time/space to just listen to a baby...the baby needs to listen to them, be in a good routine and be sleeping through the night!! Also, in a society which relies on metrics, such as money, or posessions, (or 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep lol) there is little space for the idea that some things can't be measured...like love or energy.

I was guilty of loosing my instincts in favour of books...for a time. Luckily I found it again and couldn't be happier. Its just a shame I and other women feel pressured to ignore our inner voices.

Then again, if we all lived in a village and saw parenting first hand, we wouldn't need to 'learn' about it from books or MCHN...we would just all follow our babies cues and we would have help when we needed it.

Great thread Amber :)

People have way too much influence over others now....there is so much pressure. Everyone is always trying too hard to be perfect....whatever perfect is!

I guess in knowing this we all just have to believe in ourselves a little bit more and try not to let things get us down where we think we are second guessing ourselves.

Don't think I'm making much sense, but you know what I mean!

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I agree BG that society in general quashes instinct. I blame capitalism in part, because when someone needs to work, they don't have the time/space to just listen to a baby...the baby needs to listen to them, be in a good routine and be sleeping through the night!!
... Its just a shame I and other women feel pressured to ignore our inner voices....

Then again, if we all lived in a village and saw parenting first hand, we wouldn't need to 'learn' about it from books or MCHN...we would just all follow our babies cues and we would have help when we needed it.

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(this is not meant to be offensive)
This is a really good thread i read it and went off and thought about it. i think "now a days" we seem to think that babies once born will fit in to our 'normal' lives we had before a baby. that they'll sleep when they're "meant to" eat when they're "meant to" and just follow a clock. sadly babies dont know how to read a clock. we often listen to that person in a white coat rather then what our hearts/gut instincts tell us. or we have peer/family pressure to make sure a baby can do XYZ by such and such rather then allow them to grow as they want to. for me i realized that they're not always right - we had a rough start with DS, and with that came power -for me- that my son knew what he wanted and when, that what a text book says isnt always applicable. I think sometimes with all the well meant advice from both family and peers as well as books we forget that we have a little human, one who just like the rest of us has wants/ needs.

I feel that we all need to trust our selfs more, listen to our babies more and have a little faith that we may know what we need to and to rely on the outside world as much. besides, what did we do before Doctors and MCHN's became involved and so controlling of 'normal'? the human race made it this far...

i mostly trust myself, my body and my abilities as a parent. I may not be the best at everything, but i am confident i am doing my best. (ok, so i spend too much time on BB, but other than that! :p)

It doesn't mean i don't question myself at times, i think that is normal to question decisions and thoughts you have, and change things as you go. :)

This is an interesting thread,
I agree with other posters that society in general and capitalism are a huge part of this.
Marketing is also a huge influence imo. We only started questioning our abilities as parents when advertising etc started to tell us we needed certain products to look after our babies.They planted a seed in our minds and suddenly you need a monitor to tell you if your baby is breathing, a thermometer to test the temp of their environment and artificial teats that are "close to nature".Your ability as a parent is not a factor in this at all. It is just crazy when I think how we are influenced by all of this. I also think that a lack of education and not making a conscious and informed choice as parents also contributes. A lot of people just go with the perceived norm for weaning sleeping choices,CIO etc because thats what they think is the done thing. Also the western perception that very young babies should be isolated and taught to sleep.
I think it is so sad that the majority have lost their faith in their own parenting instincts, that is why i love BB! :D

I have loved the books I've read that guide in how to get in touch with instinct, rather than guide in how to follow the one size fits all approach in vogue at the time of publishing.
But I know so many people who just don't believe they know how to do it and are anxious to get their hands on the 'here's what to do' books :(

Yup totally agree girls its definetly to do wiht advertising etc making money and all that.

I know I second guess stuff but I am more thinking of the stories we hear of mothers having to be restrained when they are using CC methods as thier instincts are telling them to go to their distressed baby yet the "book" says they are ok leave them :( So they get Thier husbands to sit on them or trun up the msuic really loud?

When did our babies become and inconvience and hassle?

I am trying to understand someone choosing what a book says which has no connection to you or your baby over what your heart and head is telling you?

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But I know so many people who just don't believe they know how to do it and are anxious to get their hands on the 'here's what to do' books

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I hide those types of books lol!

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I think sometimes with all the well meant advice from both family and peers as well as books we forget that we have a little human, one who just like the rest of us has wants/ needs.

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:clap: Perfectly said!

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i think as a society we need to encourage people to embrace instinct again. it's frowned upon in so many aspects of our lives and we tend to feel that most on our parenting journey. even sites like BB, as supportive as it is - it can make you doubt yourself - when you hear that your baby buddies are sleeping through, they've started solids, are crawling well before your bubba - it can do your head in! i guess it comes down to how you take it all in. i have tried (and sometimes failed i'll admit) to think of DD as an individual in her own right. if someone is stressing and i can use my experience to help them, i share - but i tend to preface everything with "every child is different" (or every pregnancy/experience etc).

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So true BG...it seems we are competeing wiht our sisters instead of helping eachother out and instead of enjoying our babies we are wishing them to grow up and be the first to this or that?

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People have way too much influence over others now....there is so much pressure. Everyone is always trying too hard to be perfect....whatever perfect is!

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Couldnt agree more! They are perfect already :)

I spose what i am trying to say is we seem to be wishing our lives away and making descions based on how the child can "fit" into our lives and not us "fit" into the childs life...they are so perfect and tiny for such a short time. And we have a chance to nurture them and treat them wiht the respect they deserve.

Great thread amber..I think its also the lack of community and village lifestyle. We don't have a village of older, wiser mothers and women to teach us, to reassure us that we are doing a good job.

yep, lacking in the village lifestyle is a huge factor

Thats so true isnt...I made a promise to myslef to be there and help out firneds and family as much as i could..as i would have loved to have had someone IRL tell me I was doing a great job and just be given a hug :) Thank goodness for BB :hug:

i don't know that it's competitive in nature - more a fear of your child not developing as it should. having grown up in a home where my mum was doing FDC most of my life, i know how different children can be and i accept that - but i've also seen some children with both minor and major develomental delays. i also have an aunt with quite severe intellectual disabilities - as a result, i am probably accutely aware of DD's development to ensure she doesn't fall TOO far behind others her age (my aunt wasn't diagnosed til she was in grade six).

Definitely the fragmentation of our society can take the biggest blame here :( How many of us grew up with children around us at every stage? I mean, once we weren't little children anymore, how many of us still had little children and their needs in our every day lives? Not many (lucky you, BG!) - we grow up with our peers and maybe a sibling young enough for us to have vague memories of nappies and nothing else.
Even with fragmentation, there is still instinct in us that a lot of women ignore. Not just about their children and pregnancies, but even before that. We curse our periods instead of understanding them, until we realise they are important when we decide we want to have kids of our own. I'll encourage DD to use a Mooncup and cloth pads when her time comes, so that she doens't see this natural and most important function as an inconvenience and awful aspect of being female.
I learnt a really valuable saying once. It's something you say to yourself when you come across a situation where you feel helpless and think you don't know the answer: "If I DID know, what would it be?"
This saying is magic - you give yourself permission to use instinct right away with it! I"m glad I learnt it before I fell pg, cos I've been using it in my subconscious ever since :)

Great thread Amber :)

I haven't read too many parenting books - besides Pinky McKay books and they're great as she explains how to follow and trust your instincts ;)
I feel that most of the time I have parented out of instinct and held my bub when she has cried etc.... I do what feels right at the time and I'm a happy parent for that.

I think it is easy to be led astray though by sooo many people ie our parents, society etc telling us that we might spoil our babies or they are manipulating us (WRONG!) etc and it just confuses us and we are constantly trying to ignore all those comments and sort out what we feel is right and what is wrong..... I think i'm mumbling..... I'm off to bed now..... BBL in the morning! When my words make sense!! haha

I hear you!
Agree with everything so far!
I hate those type of sleep training books. Love Pinky McKay's 'Parenting by heart'.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with my Nan before DD was born though about CIO. She did it with her kids. When she had her first (about 55 yrs ago) she was living out of town with no phone and no contact with anyone. She said doing CC was just instinct, she just 'knew what to do', and it's 'the only way'. WTH?? So no one was influencing her and this was her instinct?? I can't relate bc my instinct is to comfort my baby asap when she cries.

I totally agree with the previous comments about the lack of village and the absence of the opportunity to really 'observe' babies and kids growing up. (BG, I think you've probably got such a relaxed approach because of your experiences and exposure to such a wide range of babies and children growing up).

We all live in seperate little (or big lol!) homes where the privacy of the family and what goes on behind closed doors is paramount. This means that things like abuse go underground/unnoticed but so do things like parenting practices. So everyone feels a bit more isolated. Sure there's usually some family members or good friends around to talk to but it's hard to construct a true IRL village these days. Talking to others is just getting snippets imo, it's not the same as living and breathing the collective raising of children. That's where the marketing and magazines and books and TV shows come in. There is a market for parenting information because everyone is living in their own little box. When we do hear about what other kids are doing, it is so easy to compare to our own. This wouldn't happen so much if children were being raised by the village - we'd all have much more exposure to a wider range of kids over a longer period of our lifespan (perhaps our whole lifespan) so our own children would just fit naturally into that continuum.

ETA - I've been thinking about this since I posted and while I stand by my comments above, I'll have to be honest and admit that I love books. I always have. Love reading. I own way too many books (fiction and non-fiction) - more than I'll ever get time to read. I've also spent a long time in formal education and study and gathering information is important to me (although not to the exlusion of listening to my instincts when it comes to DS). I'm trying to say that I think there are books written on just about any topic you could think of. So as a society, we do look to books (or 'expert opinion') in lots of areas to inform us or learn new things. Parenting is an emotional journey though in a way that learning to cook or learning about Ancient History isn't. I have learnt some useful things about parenting in the books I've read, but I've chosen books that generally fit with the gentle approach I'm taking. So maybe I have let my instincts guide my book choices? I have found the comments of other parents or well meaning people to have had more of an impact (in terms of me doubting what we're doing with DS or his development, especially in relation to sleep) than any of the books have.

i agree with what has been said about seeing so many kids - it has helped me to see what i do and don't want to do as a parent. i have seen some children with horrific family lives just thrive with a bit of care and attention that they were missing while they were in their home environment - i could understand at a rather young age that kids needed to have their needs attended to and it WAS an instinct. i'd jump in and pick up a baby that was starting to grizzle because it felt right. i hated having the kids in the house growing up cos it was a major invasion of my space while trying to study and stuff - but it did teach me a lot about raising children, what i did and didn't agree with etc. i don't think, apart from the time i was living on campus for uni, that i've ever really had any time where i haven't had children around me in some capacity - day care kids, friends kids, nieces/nephews - and now E.

thankfully, even though he is probably from my parents generation age-wise, my DH is also very much an instinctual parent. i think that helps me to believe in myself. when i'm having a bad day and wondering how to "fix" things, he is able to help me talk things through so that i'm no longer so stressed about it. we're able to discuss why we believe DD is doing what she is doing, how we as her parents can work with her to get past whatever hurdle it is (at the moment, she is exceptionally frustrated as she can't crawl so he is sitting on the floor with her to encourage her and be there when she is upset - to help her past the frustration etc)

we don't have a village apart from the one i have become a part of on bb - all our friends have much older children (some have older grandchildren as we have friends over a wide age range) - it means i pretty much have no choice but to trust myself!

The turn of this conversation has taken a timely turn. We're looking at relocating this year to a more rural area, where I'm going to have to establish new networks from scratch and this whole 'village' thing has been playing on my mind. I have one where I am now, in a vague sense. MiL around the corner, neighbours close by whose kids DS plays with, brigade families I can count on if I need etc. Because of this impending move, I recently upgraded my BB membership to Life (very grateful for being RAK'd, though!) because in my new place, especially in the new days, I'm gonna need my portable village for moral support at any given time of the day.

establishing networks can be difficult - i'm thinking of giving it a few more months so that DD is a little more mobile (and doesn't get squooshed by the older kids) and taking her to the local playgroup. there are other kidlets around her age here, but not easy to get to know people (most of them have been here their whole lives so know each other - i'm an outsider having only come here recently, started having kids later etc)

if you can find a local playgroup you may be able to find kids similar in age to your own. perhaps even getting involved with the brigade in your new area would be a good move.

how rural are you moving?

Looking at the areas between Warragul and Korrumburra (ideally not further south than Strzlecki). As soon as we're in our shed (we'll be building) I'll transfer brigades, but I'll get in touch with that brigade before that point.
I can switch ABA groups, look up my nearest adult horse riding club (will have parents in it!) andd will definitely look up playgroups :)
I'm lucky in that I already have these broader affiliations.

ahh not too rural (but in comparison to my understanding of the dandenongs i guess it is)

having those sorts of affilliations will help a heap - at least you'll have something in common with people to start out. that's where i struggled when i moved out here - i married an older guy, so all his friends were older. his brother had just died and there was a fight about his estate, so the town gossip decided to label me a gold digger (gee thanks!), i was childless so wasn't able to make the break into that "set" of people back then - and now, i'm established with the friends we have, and am struggling to move outside that to make contact with others. maybe once i'm back at work, i'll start to expand my world a little more cos i'll regain some confidence in myself again. online i'm quite confident in making friends - IRL - hell no!

Yeah, not 'rural' just 'more rural'! The hills aren't rural :)
Gotta love a small town mentality :( Yep, I"m more thankful than ever for my semi-formal contacts and joining interest groups! I used to keep myself to myself until about 10 years ago - moving my horse from Warragul to my area opened up my world and my confidence. I've got some family friends in the Warragul area, too, so it's about as far as I want to move. We'll have our friends come to visit when we move (the closer friends, cos we'll be in a shed!) and then when we have a house we'll have a rush of friends come over for a while before it all dies off and we have to go in to them again. That and the ABA group will be where my kids will see kids of other ages. When we move it will be peer groups again, really, through playgroup and other activities that are grouped into ages.