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Were you left to CIO as a baby? Do you think it has affected you at all?
We've all had people say 'I did CC and it never hurt my kids' and it's hard to argue that when it seems true, you can't see anything wrong with them!!
So, how do you think it has impacted you??
I don't know yet, still thinking.
I don't know how anybody could pinpoint what effects being left to cry had on their lives. Parenting styles and events will influence other aspects of your life, but i don't think you can just pick out one part (CIO) and say this caused x,y,z.
i know my mum left me to CIO and i've found that im not very attached to her and our relationship isnt the best eather. (but that could be unrelated)DH's mum picked DH and his brother up when they cried, cuddled them to sleep and untill DH's brother was 6.5 DH's mum used to sit with him until he fell alseep - and they've got a good relationship,very open and honest and there is alot of support and trust there. so for me i think its made me less likely to want help/support from my mum but thats a guess KWIM? :dunno:
I was never left to cry so I cant say...but I know of babaies who werre left to cry and they have no spark iykwim...they are older now like in school and they seem so sad all the time and have no expression, and clingy and I really believe this is down to being left from 6 weeks to scream themselves to sleep..breaks my heart when I see them :cry: they are never happy and have no comfidence...which i believe is due to thinking they were never comforted.....Sorry I am rambling.
Aslo we know that it does damage the brain and can affect how we behave, but I suppose people put the behaviours down to personality...
It may not be an affect you can see but I guess if you dig deep enough you will find ways it has affected people...I really hate that line..you could also say I drank alot of alcohol when I was a teenager and I am fine, well we as far as I know...but what long term damage has it done?:
We've all had people say 'I did CC and it never hurt my kids' and it's hard to argue that when it seems true, you can't see anything wrong with them!!
Sorry probably doesnt make sense?
True, we will never know for certain but I just wanted to know peoples opinions. It can definitely effect attachment.:
That does make sense boomba. That's sad about those kids :(
I hate that line too, you can't argue with it, you can't say for sure what impact it has had and if you do it's pretty rude coz you're basically saying well your kids have these problems and it's all your fault! lol.
uummmm CIO :redface: cry it out???
I have been thinking about this alot recently , i always hear ''my parents did that for me and i turned out alright'' so the concept that CIO or no skin to skin at birth or not co-sleeping or any of the things that are deemed ''ok because thats what we did in OUR day'' had no effect on people...well, is there REALLY no effect from those things?
There are more cases of mental problems in people these days, different illnesses than 50 years ago etc etc. Im not a doctor or anyone who knows statistics etc but it would be interesting to know how much of the worlds problems could be attributed to doing these things!?
Just because your still alive after being left to CIO through your infant years doesnt necessarily mean your 'alright'....that fear of trust, or lack of self esteem or the panic attacks....couldnt that be because of being left to CIO!!??
As a child we knew better than to go into mum and dads room during the night. I shared a room with my little sister. But I remember feeling scared of ghosts a
and nightmares and desperaty wanting my mum. Sometimes I would sit outside her bedroom door just for company. The other side could be to ask people who did cosleep with their parents how they felt about their experince -in my expperience they always talk about it warmly and positively.
When I had my first child I definately wasn't going to co-sleep -my children weren't going to rearrange my organized life. Luckily my first was a very persisten and patient boy who taught me different. Co-sleeping is one of the most precious experiences I've had with my children
I second that Bard, i woke up this morning with DD asleep laying across my tummy, smiling away! wouldnt have it any other way!!
Are there more cases of mental illness these days, or is it just that there are more people having their illness acknowledged and diagnosed and people are able to talk about mental illness more than in previous generations?:
Good point Kate07.....i guess 50 years ago it probably wasnt as acceptable to admit you had a problem...or have a doctor agree with you!!
I was left to CIO and actually have memories of feeling lonely and scared when I was a toddler. As I got older I often felt ignored and like my needs didn't matter. I felt I was in the way and many things were more important that my needs. I think it has definitely effected me in my adult life as far as confidence and self esteem goes.
As for those who say "I did this or that and mine turned out fine" - do they know that for sure? My MIL says this all the time, but DH doesn't have the relationship with his mother to tell her that he didn't necessarily turn out fine. Physically they may be fine, but emotionally is another thing altogether.
Left to CIO as toddler, child and teen. Too many memories of crying - make that sobbing - myself to sleep knowing that no-one cared about that. Not at all close to my mother. Emotionally stunted to the point my sister reckons I'm autistic. Very angry person. Had troubles learning at school when this was happening as a teen - there was too much going on in my head to learn.
I did NOT turn out fine, anyone who knows me can see that! My mum doesn't even say "...and you turned out fine" to me.
Sister, co-slept even in her late teens if she "needed" it. VERY close to mum, emotionally secure, well loved, confident, has done well academically (better than I did).
eta - even with a nightmare as a child, I was told to go back to bed and not bother Mum. Talk it through with my Teddy bear then I'd feel better. Go back to bed. It didn't work, btw, well not for me but I did never bother mum again with nightmares.
I kind of agree with Kate. There are so many factors that make up 'parenting' and so many things we do as parents that affect our children. Perhaps parents who regularly use CIO with their babies/children also have other practices or attitudes that place their children's needs as secondary to their own (adult) needs??? So maybe those parents are actually doing a whole range of things that add up over time to teach their children that their needs are less important and that there is no comfort (or not much) when they are upset.
It's hard to argue against the 'they turned out fine' because we don't have a clone child/adult who wasn't left to CIO to compare to. I wonder if there are any twin studies on this? (where one twin is raised one way and the other twin the other).
I actually have no idea if I was left to CIO or not! Will have to ask my mum. We do have a close relationship but she has never tolerated tears for long. I can have a bit of a cry and then she tells me to stop crying and moves me into problem-solving mode. On the other hand, DP was not left to CIO ever yet he is not particularly close to his mum although they do get along. She is not easy to connect to emotionally imo. Go figure.
Ryn - :hug:
Such an interesting topic.
My mum said we CIO sometimes but we also most of the time went to bed and settled ourselves.
I think I am alright. I might be sensitive to some things but I think that is my personality. I always felt loved by my parents and had and still have a close relationship with my mum.
I can remember if I had a nightmare, I wouldnt just be left to cry (I only really CIO when I was a bub & I dont remember being a bub), my mum would come in or I would run through the hallway carefully to make sure no crocodiles got my feet :ROFL: and tell my mum and she would always come and tuck me in and sing me "Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens" song from Sound of Music and that would be a comfort to me.
ETA- Kaz- I can remember as a teenager, my mum would go into problem solving mode as well, but I always felt loved. Thats just how she dealt with things I guess.
I too like Barb have memories of being really scared at night from nightmares / imaginings / but being (even more) scared to disturb my parents. I would stand at their bedroom door hoping they would wake up without me bothering them (these are probably memories from 3-4yrs old), and I also clearly remember times being treated impatiently, annoyed and cross (sometimes even yelled at) for waking up at night, sometimes even when sick, and especially if it was whilst my parents were awake in the evening - I guess they really wanted their evenings without the kids. I know I was left to CIO as a young baby as my mother and father told me they did this with me, and suggested that I should be doing it with DD when she was no more than 3 or 4 months old - the "you need to give them some tough love otherwise they'll never learn" attitude. Needless to say I don't have any conversations with my parents at all about parenting.
I can tell you that the above - combined with my mother and father's parenting style as a whole - has impacted me greatly. I have recently been diagnosed with a serious mental illness that has been going on since my teens and I'm just finding the courage to talk about it now. It's a personality disorder that is very clearly linked to your upbringing (as many personality disorders are). So... I want to say that I believe the CIO has played it's part but it is not the only thing nor could I ever view it in isolation.
This is not judgement on anyone else's parenting techniques or styles - just simply an observation of my own upbringing. The fact that my parents were prepared to use CIO with me and my siblings as babies I feel was and is completely indicative of and congruent with the parenting style my parents chose or perhaps even grew into. It was harsh and unforgiving more often than not. Perhaps it's as much to do with being a sensitive person as I know I am, perhaps it's that the way I have been parented has "grown" me into a much more sensitive person - the old nature versus nurture argument. What I can say is that the nurture side was lacking and I know where I am now.
I think it is so very difficult to measure the impact in isolation, but - as in my case - my parents used CIO as a technique along with many other less gentle parenting techniques as I grew up, and I can honestly say that I believe that CIO played it's part in who I am now, no matter how small and how unmeasurable/immeasurable that part may be.
But... that's just me...
Thanks Heaven for starting a really interesting thread :hug:
I was a CC and CIO baby and while I didn't have developmental issues, and don't remember negativity as a toddler, I have depression that rears its head most strongly when triggered by feelings of abandonment, I am way too dependent on my mother's company now that I am older, I cannot keep up a relationship because I never believe that I could be worth that person's time or energy... And these all sound like things I could easily attribute to being made to cry alone with no-one seeming to care.
So I refuse to do it.
But I may be wrong :P
To be honest I have little recollection of my toddlerhood :redface:.
I remember being about 8 yrs old and calling out to mum as I felt sick through the night, and she'd come and do whatever she had to do all in a caring way (although reaction time was a bit slow :lol:) - but I've never been close with my parents (like hugging etc), we talk and communicate often etc - but I recall not much hugging / affection growing up. I feel that has affected me now - I rarely make a 'first move' to show affection to DH, I don't know why - but I certainly show affection to my kids.
Sorry I'm probably a bit off topic here, sorry heaven!
I agree it's really impossible to know how one particular part of parenting can affect a child. And it depends on the child too, I'm sure.
I wasn't left to CIO. Because I was the good baby that slept well and wasn't good at crying for attention.
My brother was more needy. He was not settled or as good a sleeper. He wanted (no, needed) attention in the night. He was left to CIO from a very early age. Frankly, it shows. He has a low sense of self worth and depression.
I wasn't welcome in my parents bed at night. I was shooed away and I remember that. I remember feeling that I was on my own and that I couldn't go to my parents when I needed reassurance. One reason that I will never leave DS alone in distress is that I never want him to feel that he can't come to us when he needs to.
I think my mum parented this way because she believed it was best. hi ngs change as we got older and I feel really close to her now.