Smoking - How should I say this nicely?

After some much needed opinions here!

Just so it's said, I don't have a problem with smokers, it's their choice to smoke and I don't want to offend anyone!

My mum is a very, very heavy smoker. She's tried to quit many times and can't. She stresses easily and when she gets stressed, she smokes. If she feels pressured she smokes. If you mention anything about her quitting she gets upset.

Me and DH have talked about this a lot, and I still don't really know what to do! Basically, she's going to be seeing bubs a lot i expect and we're not comfortable with her coming straight in from a smoke (she already knows to smoke outside) and holding bubs straight away as she's going to smell of smoke. I know I wouldn't like to be that close to someone who's just had a smoke so neither should our baby.

All I want her to do, is wash her hands and wait maybe 20 minutes after having a smoke before she holds our baby so the smell has time to not be so fresh and at least her hands will be clean, but how should I ask her to do this without offending her because as I said before, she's very sensitive about it!

What do you think about this issue? What rules did you have about smokers and holding your baby? How did you politely ask them to wash their hands and wait a while? What reactions did you get?

Looking forward to hearing your responses!

you could mention that there is a lot of toxins that stay on the skin after smoking and you want your baby to not be exposed to these. just say nicely to her that although you respect her decision to keep smoking, could she please respect your decision about washing hand, holding baby etc..

I think washing hands is fine (as a recently ex-smoker, I wouldn't have been offended if someone asked me to do that).

The 20 minute thing ... hmmm, I wouldn't be happy about that if I'd washed my hands.

AND tbh, I'd really want it proved to me that it was necessary.

Even if you get her to wait 20 minutes, she is still going to smell of it. My mum was the same, but at least she didn't have to be told kwim? Its the sort of thing where there really is no polite way to say it, especially if she is really sensitive about it in the first place, so you just need to say it and be done with it.

I have that problem with my sister. She is a smoker and she just stinks when she comes inside the house after a smoke. I would prefer that she didn't hold DS smelling like that but she is a bit too delicate to reason with and I'd really start trouble if I said something. I just grin and bear it. It's the same with people wearing copious amounts of strong perfume - DS always stinks of it when he's been passed back to me. Lucky for me, DS is a mummy's boy and mostly cries when other people hold him, so he's always passed back pretty quickly :)

I got miffed about perfume too - it was just as gross as the cigarette smoke I reckon. This is awful but my kids are old enough now that when they can smell cigarettes, they always say 'this place/that person smells like Nanny' and it's terrible that they know kwim?

I think this is a realy hard one for both you and your mum. My father was a smoker and from the time I can remember he had the most horrid cough, our house, our car, our clothes, everything smelt of smoke. Dad started smoking at about 5 years of age. He would light the fisherman's pipes for them. He was addicted to the stuff and try as he might he could never give it up. Please be patient with you mum let her know that you are there to support her as much as you can but still hold your line of no smoking and washing hand around the kids. Unfortunately for me and my DD my father died of lung cancer 10 years ago aged 66 so she never got to meet her wonderful poppy Ted.

oh you know, my best friend who is also my brother in law is a smoker, and we didn't bother sugar coating, we made it blunt. "You can't hold her until you quit smoking" . That was it. Of course he was annoyed, but he knows deep down that it's perfectly reasonable, and now he is content to simply look and not touch.
Just say what you have to say and be done with it. Like I said, it's a perfectly reasonable request and she will understand that, even if she is a bit miffed!

Oh darling this is a tough one hey? :hug:
I had a close friend (he was an older man) that smoked when my first daughter was a baby. He however was very respectful & held her and then smoked & didn't have her back.

Second hand smoke (smokers breath) is hideously toxic - especially for small babies. So, you are quite right to be concerned. Would it work if you asked her to not smoke before she came over to visit - and smoke after the visit? This way at least she wouldn't breath on your bubby? If it was broached as gently as possible before the baby is born I think it would be easier...

I really feel for you as it even irritates me when people smoke walkign down the street and my little ones smell the smoke. My kids are the same - Trill they are very vocal about how icky it smells... :redface:

This is a tough one as of course you don't want to offend your Mama.. Remembering it's an addiction & a hard one to kick. So, putting some boundaries around this to protect your baby is important IMHO - but as gently as possible too...

Hand washing afterward will help with the smoke but it's the exhaled breath for (I can'tremember the length of time but it is a considerable length of time... - could find out if it helps...:think:) some time after is the most toxic. This is why co sleeping is not recommended for smoking parents.

Good luck my love. :hug:

I totally agree with Mistychell

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Just say what you have to say and be done with it. Like I said, it's a perfectly reasonable request and she will understand that, even if she is a bit miffed!

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I posted a similar thread when pregnant with Theo.
My DH is an ex smoker and is very anti anything to do with smoking around our kids.
He figured if he had to quit smoking to hold and cuddle our kids, then ppl who smoke can either quit, or stay away! lol!

I don't think its unreasonable at all. My mum was still a smoker when i had DD, and i made her wash her hands, brush her teeth and change her shirt! haha! I was very blunt, and again, like mistychell said - they know that smoking is not a nice thing.

A MW told me once tho, that even though you wash your hands, its still in your skin, and can be 'absorbed' i guess through that way (sorry i totally forget the wording she used). And we all know smoking is a big no no in regards to SIDS. Maybe fill her in on some facts?

And as for the perfume thing - YUCK! I probably hate the perfume more so than the smoking! I HATE HATE HATE how Theo smells beautiful like a baby (lux flakes, moisturisers.. you know that smell ;) ) And then someone who reeks of perfume gives him a cuddle! ARGH! He smells like them for the rest of the day. Cant stand it!

Good luck! And remember - your kids.. your rules!

Aha! tellytubby, I was looking for that thread to post a link here and couldn't find it. That was a good discussion.

One point made in that discussion (I believe by Pony) was that your child is quite likely to be exposed to just as many toxins on a drive to the shops and back and they will from a cuddle off a smoker. And I think there are some BB members who would argue that even rubbing J & J moisteriser into bub's skin everyday will expose them to plenty of toxins too. So, if it's an issue that is really going to upset your mum, maybe it's not worth being too hardcore on her about it, iykwim. By all means, ask her wash her hands, and maybe even clean her teeth and change her shirt if it really bothers you, but be respectful of the fact that she has a serious addiction and is probably well aware of the detrimental effects to herself and others, but is still unable to stop.

I'm not by any means saying it's ok to stink of ciggerette smoke and hold a baby (I'm a smoker and i still think it's pretty yuck), but in the big scheme of things, it's probably not worth causing your mum a lot of distress over.

Yeah it was a great thread Lori!

And in the end, the lady who i was talking about (a smoker who i didnt want to cuddle Theo). I let her cuddle him all the time! LOL! I'm now more concerned about the whole perfume thing! Errk, so gross!

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it's probably not worth causing your mum a lot of distress over.

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- definately agree. In saying that i got my mamma to change her shirt etc, keep in mind that she has a very light hearted personality and nothing really offends her. If i thought she would have gotten upset, i would have simply asked her to wash her hands. :)

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...o-you-say.html

I don't know how to post a link.
i hope this works?
but this is the thread we're talking about :)

It works. Thanks tt :D

This is a tough one! As an ex smoker and a new mum I can relate to both parties!

Have you thought about getting your Mum a smoking shirt? This way she can put on her "smoking shirt" before she goes outside then can take it off after, I found this worked well for my sister. I also asked that she washed her hands and I would offer her a mint. I really only had to ask once and now she does it automatically with out any fuss. It's a smokers right to chose to smoke but its your right to chose what to expose your baby too. I also agree that we are exposed to toxins everyday but you can't smell that on your baby's skin! I would also like to ban perfume, nothing worse then my little man smelling like his cheap great aunty! ;)

GOOD LUCK!

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Would it work if you asked her to not smoke before she came over to visit - and smoke after the visit? This way at least she wouldn't breath on your bubby? If it was broached as gently as possible before the baby is born I think it would be easier...

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i think this is a good compromise. after all it is your baby, and smoking is a terrible habit (as an ex smoker i too have nothing against it and i kno whow difficult it is to quit)
maybe this will give her enough ensentive to quit iykwim? if you make it so she can only hold the baby if she comes around and holds bub before she has a smoke and then once she's had one she cant.
i know it will be a tough thing to bring up, but like i said, your bub, your rules.
Im sure she will be very understanding.
GL :hug:

My father is a smoker and has been smoking since he was 11 (39 years!)... he has agreed to give up for the sake of being able to have a 'hands on' relationship with our bub. He agrees and understands that even if you do wash your hands you are still carrying contaminants on your clothes, in your hair, on your face etc after smoking.
While we didn't give him an ultimatum we did tell him that it would be an issue for us, as neither of us are smokers. In hindsight he knows that it was the motivation he needed to make a decision that will be of benefit to him.

Good luck, and I hope your Mum understands and sees the positives that can come out of this

Thanks everyone, lots of good ideas there. I've decided I'll arm myself with risk facts (SIDS etc) and just let her know that it's important to me. I wish it could just be as simple as asking her not to smoke before she holds bubs but she's that heavy of a smoker she smokes before she does anything. I really liked the smoking shirt idea too, but this would definitely offend her! She'd feel unwelcome in my home etc etc.

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and tell her straight forward what we want her to do. I'll have to remember what you girls have said, our bubs our rules!

well my mum knew not to smoke around murray and when ever she came over she had a shower before she left and limited her smoking to when she was leaving sounds harsh but murray was a colicy baby i didnt need him suffering inhaling yucky ciggrette smoke

We had the same problems with close friends and SIL. THe way we dealt with it was jsut to let everyone know at the same time that we were really worried about smoke around DS and we asked everyone that was goign to be around if they would mind washign their hands and changing their shirts before they cuddled him. We got one of DF's big baggy shirts and kept it clean for if someone didn't bring one.

THis worked really really well and no one was offended or put off even though SIL is argumentative. At the end of the day these are your gorgeous little bubba's lungs we're talking about so its super important that you stick to your guns.

PS DF is a smoker and he had to play by the rules just like everyone else!

Looks like you've got some geat ideas already but I thought I'd let you know our story.

DD was born a bit early and stayed about 9 days in NSCN. On discharge her neeonatolagist made us promise a few things, among them were anybody holding her must wash hands first. We delt with this by always having the waterless wash gel on hand, in her nursery, the nappy bag and loungeroom. Another was no smokers to hold her without washing, cleaning breath and changing shirt. Their little lungs are already dealing with a lot coming into the world with things like car fumes, dust etc. so why throw something avoidable into the mix. Some people thought that we were being "Cute over the top first parents and you won't worry about that come your second baby", others totally understood. The doctor also said about it being linked to sids.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you can take your approach and reasoning from a medical point as advised by the doctor then it may be easier (not a personal attack on your mum). Hope that you are able to get around this without any fuss. Dr also said, it is your baby and you should not be made to feel silly for asking for these requests. Goodluck :)

I'm sure you will find the right words to say :hug:

We have a similar issue in our family. Except ours involves the person going outside to smoke, then coming inside and spraying themselves in a heap of perfume to cover up the smoke smell..Not nice either way.

My parents are both smokers, and I've been exceedingly anti-smoking since I was a little kid - so they know that once Smudge is born, that's it (well, maybe my dad doesn't get it, but he's trying to quit.) There will be no smoking whatsoever around him/her, I don't care if I cause them offense or not.

They don't know yet, but my plan is to just get up and leave if they smoke near my baby. I'm not sure how strictly I'll stick to that, but if I can get it through to them that they'll be deprived of seeing their grandchild anytime they do it, then maybe they'll finally be able to quit. They've never had this kind of incentive before!

My husband and my mother are both smokers, they both have smoking jackets to wear over their clothes in winter, and long sleeve shirts to wear over their clothes in summer - this helps to reduce the smoke permeating through to their clothes (the jackets and shirts are kept in the shed where they go to smoke). They both wash their hands and use antibacterial hand sanitiser (which I keep right by the back door) after smoking, and do not kiss Lachie straight after smoking. Personally I am happy with these methods, but each to their own I guess - your baby, your choice... but at the same time you don't want to alienate you and your baby, and neither do you want to make ur loved ones uncomfortable. I would be honest with your Mum, explain that you don't expect her to quit, but that for the health of her grandchild (who cannot make decisions for themself yet) that you would appreciate her taking some measures to significantly reduce the exposure to the toxins that are present in cigarette smoke. She is ur Mum, and I'm sure that she would understand - the same way that she would have sought to protect you from things when you were younger :)

Hmm we are pretty hard-line about this. NO ONE in my family smokes, and in DH's family it is just his mother. He has a strained relationship with her at the best of times, and she suffers from a range of personality disorders that mean she is pretty difficult to deal with.

Basically we decided that no smokers will be holding our baby, unless they have not smoked for an hour or so prior to coming over (long enough that there is no smoky breath), come in clean clothes, and do not smoke at all until they leave. That includes friends who smoke (thankfully only a couple). We have made it clear, and just stated this really 'matter of fact'.

To be honest, anyone who has a problem with that can just not be part of baby's life. The SIDS risks are too high (my helpful dad, a family psych and research statistician, went over all the SIDS risks from second hand smoke with us.) That includes MIL - DH is comfortable with that.