Hit by the ugly stick

What do you do when you are feeling like someone has hit you with the ugly stick?

For the past month, my self-image has plummetted. Ok, so I had a mastectomy, but it's not like I woke up to no boob - if the ppl who have seen it are anything to go by, it's an above-average looking reconstruction...it has a good shape, and you can't tell at all when I've got my clothes on.

So why do I feel so hideous - all over - now, when I am starting to get my energy back and working on re-entry into 'normal' life? Why has my distress over my breast leaked out to cover my legs arms torso hair face skin feet??? And more importantly, what can I do about it?

PS Kelly I looked at the Byron Katie vid about 'why do I hate my body' and TBH it didn't make any sense to me at all. I just couldn't see where she was going with it.

Marydean, are you going somewhere that you are going to get some emotional support after your mastectomy? I am thinking about something similar to that program they have with women who have lost their hair due to therapy for cancer and they give them a wig and a makeover etc. as it is recognised that a change in body perception can have a profound affect on a woman.
I think what you are going through is something that is recognised that can happen when your body is affected by cancer treatment, so alot of hospitals do have programs setup to support this. I know in melbourne they are trying to build a "wellness centre" with the cancer treatment centre at The Austin so that they can run alternative therapies and other support services along with the traditional western therapies to cure cancer. Hope you can find someone to talk to, to put you in touch with someone to help.

Is it possible that your mastectomy has given you pause to think about your body? In a similar way to how I am happy with my body until I go bathers shopping and have to really think about the way my body looks? Errrrk. :hug:
In those situations I find it soooo hard to be objective, I really struggle, it's a subjective issue, it's MY body! I find it helpful to bring a good uplifting honest friend who will say 'honestly, you're no worse than anyone else. Yes you do have this issue, but if you can minimise that with this style and then you look gorgeous'. So I know she's not just saying 'yeah you look fine' and can see my body realistically - but realistically it's not that bad, I just wish parts looked better, but I have to learn to be realistic and accepting (not in a fatalistic way, but in a self-respecting way) of how I look.

It reminds me of that serenity prayer, you know; 'Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference'.

Anyway. Not sure if that's helped, since I was really thinking out loud, but I hope the hugs are comforting. :hug:

I don't have any experience with this situation at all, but I wanted to let you know that I'm here and listening. I hope you find some answers and some self love soon :)

Anney, I'm checking out a couple of support groups, but they're not running for the year yet, I also have a wonderful naturopath that I often talk to. I'm not sure the programs you're referring to (like Look Good Feel Better) are quite up the right tree - the problems on the inside, not the outside, kwim?

BTW I specially posted here and not on a BC forum because a) some of the ladies on those forums are going thru much much worse and feeling ugly's pretty trite and b) I have read some really insightful threads here on BB and actually I think this is an issue (mastectomy part aside) that a lot of women would relate to. The experience of going along comfy in yourself and then something changes (bad haircut? pregnancy? gain/lose a few kgs? break up with someone?) and suddenly you're not feeling the inner beauty part of yourself any more.

Nelle - I like your comparison to bather shopping. I don't normally spend much time peering in the mirror - but now I'm constantly checking to see how the recon is looking - it's a bit like the changeroom fluoro-lighting thing :lol:. I think acceptance is part of it (that's where the grieving part comes in) but there's more to it than that too.

Fourth - thanks for your note of support. Funnily enough I've never been short on the self-love - it's normally me talking my friend thru their moments of self-doubt. That's why I'm finding this a challenge. ( BTW I love your blog).

marydean - i've been thinking about this since i read your post earlier & i think you might be right when it comes to being comfy in yourself & then a change comes along & it gives you reason to really think about yourself.

i've found my post-PG body harder to deal with than my PG body - i think mostly because my PG body just seemed so amazing in what it was doing, now it's kind of just a flabby (well, it was flabby before but has gone to new levels :lol:) shell! i think change can often make us feel a bit uncomfy in ourselves because we lose a little bit of bravado with the change. hmmm...i'm not making any sense but i think your other thread about essential beauty treatments/routines is a big part of it - when i feel like i have been thoroughly attacked by the ugly tree i try to make sure i do something like paint my nails, treat myself to a pedicure etc to remind myself that i am worth it. it seems so superficial when i write it down but it does work!

maybe some affirmations or creating a list of the really amazing things your body can & does do would help as well with the emotional/mental side of things? sometimes we forget all the clever things our bodies do to keep us up & running.

sorry for the waffle. can i claim sleep deprivation? :lol:

Ohhhh MD major hugs to you hun. I would love to say run out & treat yourself to getting your hair done, but obviously these feelings are running a bit deeper than a simple hairdo can fix. You are one of the most positive and inspirational women here on BB and I think that shines through any imperfections you think you may have. I think you are a beautiful person.

sweet, I just wanted to supply you with some love and hugs xx

MD I have been looking everywhere for that book I recommended on your radical life revision thread.... Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen. I used to have 2 copies and now I can't find either of them :doh:
I just think it might really speak to where you're at right now.... maybe your library has a copy? Or amazon?
:hug: :hug: :hug: to you xx

:hug: I like the bathing-suit reference too. And maybe it's something along the lines of "I've had surgery here, therefore I have to be super-model perfect on the rest of my body". And although we all know supermodels aren't real women, they're the yardstick of society!

:hug: It's been a pretty rough 12 months MD, if you came out on top of the clouds brimming self esteem then i would think that perhaps there was a problem.
You've had a lot to deal with and it's probably taking its toll. Let me assure you, that although you feel like you have taken a beating with the ugly stick, no body else thinks that.
You'll love yourself soon enough again, but i think it will take time. :hug:

MD just want to give you a hug...your are bewterful!!!!!!

The way I see it, you've had all your life to get used to the way your body looks and you've had those years to grow to love your body as it change with age, from pre-pubescent, to the first flush of womanhood and onto a woman who has had children and the change has happened slowly over time and it has given you time to come to terms with all your imperfections, perceived or otherwise, and you love the way you looked. Sure you would probably change a few things here and there, but overall you would have been comfortable in your own skin.

But then came the Radical Life Revision and everything changed. What took you years to love was all changed in under 12 months. You lost a breast, you have had chemo which has changed your hair and made you physically and emotionally wrung out and now you've got a brand nue boob so it's no wonder that you are feeling the way you are. Even the parts of you that didn't change just don't seem the same anymore kwim? It is so easy to not like the rest of you.

But I don't know what will fix it. I don't know if this is something that will take time, or if one day you will wake up and you will feel happier with everything. But I do know that you have what it takes within to be able to work through the way you are feeling and get back to the point you were at before. Maybe you could look up a grief counsellor or someone who deals with cancer patients (if there is such a person?) and talk to them and see if they have any strategies to help you overcome this and get you loving yourself again.

You are a gorgeous woman hun and I know you have what it takes to kick this self-loathing in the ass for good :hug:

:hug: MD xx

when i found out that i had endometriosis and was 'broken' and couldnt have kids (look at me now lol!) i suddenly lost alot of faith in the body i had been born and grown with. suddenly it was like looking at my body through a whole new lens. from the outside i looked the same, but in my mind all i could see was the endometriosis growths and scars ITMS. i went though a major crisis of 'womanhood' and rejected any notion that i was attractive/sexy/desirable. i know that DH was dumbfounded by my change and TBH i didnt handle it well. i was young and didnt really have a long relationship with my 'woman-self' so it was a longer road to healing myself of these accusations.

i dont really have any real practical advice (other than a pretty haircut and loads of gift vouchers to ella bache for facials etc and manicures and pedicures certainly CANNOT harm this process of healing :) ). trying not to sound too trite, but it is a personal journey that needs alot of navel gazing about what your body means to YOU. and how she is still your most precious, beautiful life partner; no matter the bumps and grazes that come with that journey.

MD- I think all the PP's have given you some wonderful advice and Im sure that alot of it rings true, well for me anyway.
One thing that I still consciously do as a boost on a bad day is to "try" not to focus on the things I dont like in the mirror, I try to mentally blur it out and look at what I do like, eg, everyone has always told me how pretty my eyes are etc, maybe I will put some mascara on today...does that make sense?
You mentioned before about how feeling ugly seems a bit "trite" but really we all to some degree place our outer looks in a high distinction and in our minds if we dont feel pretty how is anyone else going to think we are pretty? ITMS?? I dont think im explaining very well..
I just mean that it is important to you so therefore its important.
And just to let you know, Having never met you in "real life" your inner beauty shines through in your posts lovely lady! xx

MD - you have had a rollercoaster ride recently. It makes complete sense that you would be questioning your body and how it looks/behaves. I also think that you get put on a massive schedule of doctors/appointments/treatments and once they are all finished you really end up having time to digest and process the journey that you have been on. This is often the hardest time as you really don't have active tasks to complete to confront/attack the issues you have been dealing with. Have you tried a counsellor for yourself - someone you can discuss things with without fear of having to protect them from your thoughts, someone just for you who can listen and be completely focussed on you. A good friend has recently been through a similiar experience and found this invaluable. Take care and give yourself time.... xx

On a lighter note - is there anything you have always wanted to do and never bothered (in a busy mum kinda way) like have a tattoo, manicure, massage? Perhaps organise something like that? Or some reiki? Anything that will recharge your batteries and make you feel good. Booking some time for a walk even - just to get the happy hormones flowing a bit.

Marydean, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. I think all of the PPers have given you some good support and advice.

I just wanted to add a couple of things - not sure how helpful, but I hope a little bit - I know you didn't post this on a BC forum, but I work "in the biz" and I hope you don't mind me drawing your thoughts to BC survival and survivorship. I am sure you have heard these terms before in your BC experience, but your words and what you are going through struck a chord with me. Because so many more women than ever before survive BC (b/c of earlier detection and better treatments) this means that there are millions of women now surviving post BC, and many of them feel that they are not sure what to do next, how to live their lives, and how to adjust, especially when the common expectation is that you will just get back to normal and pick up where you left off so to speak. As you probably know, this rarely happens, and women are often left feeling inadequate to cope with their altered image and even sometimes an altered persona. This new phenomenon is also producing much research into how to offer assistance for women in this phase.

Sorry to ramble, but I guess I wanted to let you know that I think how you are feeling is completely normal and understandable, and may be part of the adjustment and reality check of your new life after BC. Your treating hospital perhaps had a breast care nurse who could put you in touch with psychology if you wanted to do that? Believe me, it is a very common state of mind. I know you will be fine and you will get through this phase, but it may take a little bit of time. As others have aid, be kind to yourself and get yourself pampered, it can only help! You deserve it.

:hug::hug::hug: to you

First of all I want to thank absolutely everyone who has replied. I have read and re-read everything you've written, and I feel the care that you've each put into your words. Thank you :hug:.

Sloane, I like your point about doing something nice for yourself - not because it's about improving your appearance but to remind yourself you are worth it. That's not superficial at all.

Thepix - my library's copy is mysteriously unavailable but I know I can get a copy at the cancer care centre...will look for it when I'm next over there.

Kazbah - sorry but your post made me burst out laughing...I'm sooooo far from supermodel-aspiringness that it was just hilarious. I don't think this is what you meant sorry but it gave me a good laugh though. :)

Junglemum - Agree, time is the great physician

Trill - good on for being brave and calling this what everyone else has politely stepped around: self-loathing. I think you might be right about the sudden disconnect I had - it's like there's an inner reality and an external reality and they've both been mucked about & now they don't match so I have to wait awhile until they catch up to each other. You're spot on about it being a grief process. xxx

Cass - my soul sista - your words really touched me:

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it is a personal journey that needs alot of navel gazing about what your body means to YOU. and how she is still your most precious, beautiful life partner; no matter the bumps and grazes that come with that journey.

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I like your advice about loads of beauty treats too :lol:

Starrysky - thank you for admitting that you identify with some of what I have written, and validating that it is something important. I guess for me it's less about looks and more a reflection of being out of balance in a profound way, which is why I landed in the emotional devt forum & not the beauty etc one.

Mak - thanks for reminding me about recharging my batteries. I have been so focussed on trying to get up to the "normal" standard (whatever the hiker that means) that I've forgotten how depleted I really am.

Neptune - I value your input & appreciate the reframe of "adjustment and reality check". It's funny, I thought I had done a lot of the emotional processing before my mast (I was in the unusual situation of having 7 months to anticipate the surgery) and even immed afterwards I was calm - so the depth of feeling now has surprised me.

So, after all that, I'm not sure that I've found any answers - time perhaps and some self-pampering might not go astray, some affirmations and positive self talk too. Another day in the life of my mental health...

MD I didn't have much time when I posted last, but I was going to say that when I looked at the title of thread I thought it was going to be about what a horrible expression 'hit with the ugly stick' is and how unpleasant to hear someone say it about someone else... I never imagined you would be thinking it about yourself :crying:
MD you have so much strength and wisdom. You have carried yourself through this rollercoaster with such dignity and grace. But don't forget that the journey isn't over. Chemo and surgery are an assault on the body and on the psyche too. You made yourself strong to withstand it, but the aftermath is part of the process too. Just don't forget to be kind to yourself, to nurture and take care of yourself as you did before. Your body and soul are still in need of gentle treatment.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

I am sorry you feel this way hun :hug:
Perhaps get yourself a 'positive board' that has photos of you, that you like, positive quotes, affirmations etc and look at it everyday, focus and be happy.
I have never met you but you seem like SUCH a wonderfully supportive woman who I would be glad to have in my corner...
As for hit with ugly stick, next time say have I? Well you are about to be hit by 18,000 hormonal BB members with bats LOOK OUT!!! :lol:

Chin up hun love yourself as much as everyone else does :hug:

OMG MD my heart just plummeted when i read your thread :(

... i remember last year when my SIL and i were talking on the phone after she had her left breast removed & she somehow found the pleasure in telling me she still had a tiny cleavage and we even giggled about it ... a giggle can come from the strangest places at times but then maybe it's not so strange as it did make us feel good & i will never forget ' that ' giggle only something a woman can understand ... i guess where i'm heading with this is no magical words (i wish i could) but i feel wonderful for you MD that you are seeking to find what it is you need in telling us how you feel ... a community as big as this is surely to come up with some direction or place where is right for you to go, even if it means a read of something in the meantime.

When i first read the TITLE of your thread ... i instantly felt protective of you, like who ... what ... uh, who said what & where ... OMG i'm gonna kick their butts ;) ... At least it's a sure sign even for those of us that have not yet met you MD but your incredibly likable & for many, many reasons :heartbeat:

Queen, I love your suggestion of getting a positive board going...I have some lovely affirmation cards but they tend to float around a bit...it would be nice to have them together in one lovely place. Reminding me of my own loveliness. :)

Pix - You're right, I would never allow someone to say it about someone else.

Smiles - Your SIL was amazing to find the positive like she did and I know you treasure those memories :hug:. I have already gotten significant benefit from this thread - even tho when I started it I thought I might flush out more BBers with their own 'ugly stick' feelings - I have been digesting slowly slowly and I can feel a shift taking place inside me. Not there yet but it's coming. BTW - I feel much safer knowing you're on my side, sticking up for me, Smiles! :D

MD just wanted to check in - I have been thinking of you and wish I had wonderful advice that could help. :hug: x

.... reckon my gorgeous SIL would be standing with me in spirit and giggling at the thought of helping me kick someone's butt and doing it with a SMILE, lol :D ... and we'd do it ' only ' for YOU MD any day, any time if it made you feel that much better if anyone was to upset you ;)

Queen has actually got a fab idea there as my friend (known her for 20years this yr) was going through such a crappy time ... not a thing we did could help her ... so her DH (he's a comical character) came up with this idea to hang a ** WhiteBoard ** in the kitchen entrance for all to see, so when she got up in the morning for a cuppa or was making dinner in the evening it was within sight to see ... and we could all write something lovely or something funny about her ... OMG there were such beautiful comments about her and some that gave you the biggest laugh.
She's a huge Kylie Monigue fan so i wrote a separate comment as if it were from Kylie and it said " I'm at my happiest when i wear my cheeks hanging out of my GOLD shorts, you can borrow 'em anytime " ;)