Off Putting Comments to First Time Mums

Hello

A BB friend of mine and I have recently been discussing the amount of comments made to first time Mums which can be quite scarey and off putting. Things like "Oh, make the most of your sleep while you can before bubs arrives" and "Oh, it will be the end of your life as you know it" and "Throw out your size 8 clothes, you'll never need them again". They are usually made tongue-in-cheek or just as light hearted passing comments but people dont realise how daunting these comments can be to first timers (and second-timers and third-timers etc). I'm sure you have all heard numerous other comments.

Pregnancy can be a nervous time in itself with body changes, hormone changes, financial changes, relationships changes etc without people having to make comments about how their life will be affected in a negative way once bubs comes along.

If you are organised and can plan ahead,there is no need for your life to be turned upside down like some people suggest. DH, both my boys and I often go out for breakfast/lunch/dinner. We often go out for day trips with no problems and have just been on a week long holiday and numerous friends of mine have been overseas with babies with very few problems if any at all.

Motherhood is such a wonderful time. Challenging? Yes. Busy? Yes. Tiresome? Yes. But I wouldn't change anything I have been through. It has all been a learning curve but what a great and rewarding learning curve it has been!!!

I just wanted to reassure first time Mums-to-be to ignore such comments or take them with a grain of salt. Motherhood will be what you make it :lol:

:lol: yeah i agree but you know even saying its challenging, busy and tiresome is like throwing the same comments out there , its the simple truth :lol:

I know what your getting at though.:lol:

Thanks Naenae. I thought that when I typed it but I figure everyone knows that it is challenging and busy but not everyone loses sleep or loses their identity etc ... I hope that makes sense.

Not everyone loses sleep :o Geez, we really lucked out then!

But I know what you mean ;) I try to make sure that if some of those comments slip out (and hey, sometimes they do because I don't want a mum to think that because she has a rough trot with her newborn or baby that her experience is unusual... a non-sleeping baby doesn't require training ;) and it's ok to not feel up there and on track with everything all the time) I always folow up with "but being a mum is the best thing is the world, and even though bonding and love may not happen straight away, when it does you won't believe how firecely you can love and be proud of a tiny little person!". I do always say that a baby throws your life upside down ;) but then I always follow up with, of course, you're adding a new person into the mix, your whole life changes, but its not a bad thing :)

but I get what you mean. Theres no need for negative comments like "make the most of your life now before you lose it" because you don't lose anything, it just changes.

Well said Leasha and good on you for pointing out the positives!

The comments that bother me the most are when i say im pregnant to some of my friends i get "oh i never want kids, i hate them" or "why would you want a baby for" and i just think well thats great for you and its a little too late now to not want a baby, but i find it really offensive.

But the comments you said are ones i hear constantly and do find off putting, i know that it won't be always peachy that there will be hard times but im not walking into this blindfolded. I think comments like those a better left with the person, unless they are close friends and relatives and then they most the time dont mean it in a harsh way.

Agree Leash. Thats a nice coment to put at the end as well.

I found the worst comment made to me when I was pregnant was by a close gf who said "Why would you want to have a natural birth? It would be so much easier for them to just cut it out for you and then you wouldnt be ruined down there."
I found this to be such a rude and naive (sp?) comment.
And the fact for anyone to question how you would like to birth your own child is out of line. Went home quite uspet that day.

OMG AliBaby,

I cannot believe that some one actually said that to you!! Having a child with your love/husband/partner whatever, is the most precious part of sharing the relationship, not whether or not "down there" gets ruined. How pathetic someone would say that to you. I know of women whom have elected c-sections but i am sure that is wasn't for that reason.
Gee that has really shocked me, some people really put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship....yes it plays its role but it isn't the be all, end all of a relationship. And besides, natural birth as opposed to ceaser, you are probably back into being intimate long before the scars are healed.

Tash

I know, I was floored as well. She said to me that she would elect to have a c-section straight away.

So naive. I was lucky to have another friend there at the time who hasnt had any children but whose sister had and she told her that a c-section is by no means the easy way out. I was too speachless to say anything.

Not really friends with her anymore.

Can't imagine why your not really friends with her :o that is so niave and plain rude. I actually want a natural birth and don't want to have a c section if i can help it. But that just shows how uneducated she is.

I get really ticked off at these comments! And tell people so.

"If it's all so bad, how come you have 3?"

Guess what - I was back in my size SIX suit on Wednesday. Yes, I've gone from "eight-ish" to "ten-ish" in the last year... but that's from my thighs getting fat, not a baby! My sister also reckons my vagina is stretched beyond belief. This was over dinner. So I got DH to tell her if he'd noticed a change (only for the better, he thinks I'm more muscular now... must be all the pelvic floor exercises!). For some reason, it's OK for her to comment on my vagina but not DH.

I didn't swell. I didn't puke constantly. I am happy. I sleep. I enjoy. I look hotter than I did pre-pregnancy because I'm no longer obsessed with my miniature waist. Horror stories are just because people are jealous - EVERYONE wants to be pregnant and in that wonderful state of anticipation again. I wish it would last for years!

I also have a better social life than I did pre-preg. Friends who care about me. Going out on a Saturday night every now and then. Dates being meaningful rather than "I can't be bothered to cook, let's go out." Mother's groups, coffee mornings, book clubs, Nursery parents' evenings... life rocks. You meet so many new people and quite a lot of them are nice too.

So well put LZ!!
Its amazing what people will say out of jealousy or just plain naivety!! I will never understand why a woman becoming pregnant seems to change the "social rules" IYKWIM. Suddenly it becomes ok for your belly to be rubbed, your vagina becomes a hot topic and your life is perceived as "over".
Like LZ my social life rocks now...I have true close friendships whereas before all I had were workmates.
I had 9 months of "all day sickness", i had an epidural and stitches.....but now I have an amazing adorable loving little boy who leaves me feeling warm fuzzies everyday...because he is my son and I would go thru it all again for him :) Some days are not easy, ofcourse, teething and lack of sleep suck...but my view is the bad days dont last forever

This is a fantastic thread.

Being a first time mum to be, I have heard all of these "helpful" snippets of advice more than once. I am most definitely taking ALL of them with a grain of salt. I have lots of friends recently who have given birth (over the past 2 years) and each one of them is having a different experience - but ALL of them say that they wouldn't change a thing.

From what I can see, it comes down to luck (about what temperament of baby you get) and how you respond to the baby (relaxed, anxious, etc) that defines how things will go.

I just can't wait to meet my little bundle, get to know her and then we'll see how things go from there.

Bugger what everyone else thinks/ says!!

Hugs and thanks for the reassurance girls.
Sue xxx

Sue you are absolutely right! no one can tell you exactly what raising a baby/child is like because all children are different. Its like when my lovely SIL sent me a message saying that me and DP wouldnt cope with a baby, that we don't have enough patience and we don't do well under stress. What the hell was she thinking she was going to get back to that, of course i threw it all back into her face and told her that i am NOT 12, i do know that children AREN'T easy but will take it as it comes. She is basing this off what she has seen with her kids, im sorry but they are HER kids of course i could never settle her kids as they want their mother not me to comfort them. But she went as far as saying that we wouldn't cope with a special needs child, like i said to her WE WILL TAKE IT AS IT COMES no one is ready to have a special needs child, what is the point in worrying myself stupid until the time comes and i found that part very offensive i love how she has so much faith in her own brother...

haaa funny you made this post as i was at a girlfriends 21st BBQ/Party on friday night
DP had gone out with his mates so i decided to go alone get out of the house with DS anyway majority of my girlfriends LOVEEE seeing Oscar and will steal him off me, talk to him like his one of us, anyway so were sitting around the BBQ table and this friend of my bday friend (whom i have NEVER met) just came out with in front of EVERYONE, what went through your mind to get pregnant at 21, now you cant party, travel, buy a house do all the normal things and most of all SEX will never be the same as your vagina muscles are effed! :o
I just sat there holding DS, i must of looked amazed as one of my friends rubbed my back and grabbed DS hand, all my response was maybe i cant do all the things a "normal" 21 year old can, but i have a beautiful baby boy! mine and DPs SEX is just as great as before if not MORE amazing as time is precious and never when were going to get the next hit! as for traveling who said a family cant travel just because i wont be partying it up in "ibiza" or going to full moon parties in "bali" doesnt mean we wont be doing family holidays. and a house, what so does everyone with kids rent? because you have kids does it become impossible to buy a house? does the bank stop lending money because you have kids?
i was just so gobsmacked at this girl i had NEVER EVER met saying this to me!
anyway as they got ready to go out clubbing. i took DS home sat on the couch with him and snuggled him and watched a movie!

Some of those stories are utterly horrible! Some people...

The one I got before Miss A, and for years and years after Miss A was always the same. I had Miss A when I was 17.... apparently I missed out on Life. I never got to experience life. I beg to differ. They went to clubs and pubs and got drunk and hangovers and dated a squillion people and shagged themselves silly. I created a little person.

Of the two, only one is the very definition of "Life".

Truth be told, I experienced life - what they were doing was their own business and I was completely uninterested in doing it. Still am. People have finally stopped saying it now, thankfully. No matter how often it was said though, I would NEVER trade my DD in on a bottle of rum and some pretty flashing lights. Its utterly ridiculous to imply I should have. I spent my 21st with my children, and we had a wonderful time. I don't need to live their definition of "life". I have the real one.

Meh. I particularly hate all the pregnancy horror stories. People tell you about their sister/friend/neighbour's aunt's friend who had GD / put on a zillion kg / lost their dh and relish telling you this.

I like to tell my preggers acquaintances "well yeah, I couldn't put him down for a while but that's OK, I just used a sling, and that was way better!" or "hehe, you should have seen my birth, I just couldn't stay on the bed, each time a contraction came I walked through it, didn't make the docs happy but it really helped him come down" and my favourite "see, that's the best thing about birth - your body starts you with a little bit of discomfort and then slowly amps it up - it knows what you can handle."

The women who are treated as invalids just cause they're preggers - goodness, its a condition, not an illness and for most women it's life-threatening. And for those women unfortunatele enough to have complications, there are doctors and hospitals to assist.

ugh, I remember when I got comment after comment after comment! It drove me insane - Being my first, people passing through where I worked would look at me and say 'Aren't you a bit young?' FFS, I work in a casino so that at least puts me at 18+!
I also remember the 'Enjoy as much sleep as possible, because you don't get any when the bub is born' and after DS was born 'How come you had to have a c-section?' - EVERY time I tell people how he was born, I always say I had to have an emergency c-section but this one person must have been half deaf.. Anyway, they said to me after I explained to them what hapened 'Why didn't they use suction then?' :wall:

im 20 and preg with our 1st and i have been getting these comments non-stop since we announced we were expecting.
i have to say a lot of people have been questioning how long DF and i have been together and how our relationship will cope with this and acting like i am being a princess cos i had to stop working in late dec or face being hospitalised with dehydration and malnutrition cos i have all day sickness (still) but i can leave the house so i must be ok!
thankfully my parents and IL are over the moon cos he will be the 1st grandbaby, i think my mum is more clucky and nesting than i am!!!
but i have stopped seeing most of my friends cos they are all at uni, partying and getting messy and cant handle that i have gone down such a different path. so far the worst thing has been losing my bf of 9 years cos she couldnt relate to me wanting this baby. thankfully i have several other friends who have said are you happy? then im so excited for you and cant wait to meet him.
over the months my standard reply has become we'll be ok or we'll manage or it'll be ok we have a great support network and they just tend to look skeptical but drop the subject.

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but i have stopped seeing most of my friends cos they are all at uni, partying and getting messy and cant handle that i have gone down such a different path. so far the worst thing has been losing my bf of 9 years cos she couldnt relate to me wanting this baby. thankfully i have several other friends who have said are you happy? then im so excited for you and cant wait to meet him. .

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We're in our late 20s and we've still had some friendships disapeer by the wayside! One couple in particular didn't quite get that friday night drinks at a local bar wasn't really suitable for a 3month old! Luckily, by about the 4th time we didn't show, the invites stopped coming!

It annoys me when people think you are being naive for wanting to try and have a natural, drug-free birth - you get the "oh, just you wait, you'll be asking for the epi!" and so on. ehm, no I won't! And the comments don't stop after you've had the baby - I was talking to a friend of DH's auntie, who had become a grandmother at the same time as I had DD, and she asked about the birth - I said how long it was and how I was pushing for 2.5 hours and did it all drug free - her comment - "oh, how barbaric!" ehm, no, it was my choice, yes it hurt, but hey, I did it! I've stopped mentioning my wanting a natural birth again with this one, and if people mention the birth or the pain, I just nod and smile. The other thing that gets me is when women assume that my labour wasn't as painful or as difficult as theirs because I managed it drug free and they had to have an epi.

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im 20 and preg with our 1st and i have been getting these comments non-stop since we announced we were expecting.
i have to say a lot of people have been questioning how long DF and i have been together and how our relationship will cope with this and acting like i am being a princess cos i had to stop working in late dec or face being hospitalised with dehydration and malnutrition cos i have all day sickness (still) but i can leave the house so i must be ok!
thankfully my parents and IL are over the moon cos he will be the 1st grandbaby, i think my mum is more clucky and nesting than i am!!!
but i have stopped seeing most of my friends cos they are all at uni, partying and getting messy and cant handle that i have gone down such a different path. so far the worst thing has been losing my bf of 9 years cos she couldnt relate to me wanting this baby. thankfully i have several other friends who have said are you happy? then im so excited for you and cant wait to meet him.
over the months my standard reply has become we'll be ok or we'll manage or it'll be ok we have a great support network and they just tend to look skeptical but drop the subject.

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Hey Cmarfol, and welcome to BB

Your all day sickness is called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. There is a website online, "helpher" - there is some material for friends and families that you can print out and hand to them to get them to understand that HG is a real and serious pregnancy complication - not something to be scoffed at.

some people just forget.
The people who have never had kids you take what they say with a grain of salt, and the ones that have had kids.. well i know they arent trying to scare you but sometimes they just dontthink.
The "get as much sleep as you can!" one drove me insane..
but what used to get to me was the birth horror stories.. noo one wants to hear about things going seriously wrong, i realise it happens, but when my time came, all i could think about is "WHAT IF IM IN LABOUR FOR THE NEXT 30 HOURS!!!!!" ya know, its comment slike that that i didnt like hearing lol.

and yes babies are tough, they are alot of work but any one who walks into parenting thinking its all easy has another thing coming. i really dont think theres one woman out there that has thought its all going to be easy, so im safe in saying that ;)
but they are soo worth it. every hurdle you come to and manage to overcome is worth everything.

thanks inertia, i will take a look! :)

I like this thread! I get a lot of comments from my family (especially my dad) they say we are too young for a baby and should be tavelling etc first!
I tried to explain that i want to take my kids to disney land (like i was taken) and i want to do a family holiday to nz etc, i want to experience this stuff with my family!
Plus its not like i haven't travelled or lived!!

So in the end, we don't mention it to anyone but our closest of friends and family that understand. DF family are counting down til our wedding and const asking if i am up the duff yet lol they are so wonderful and supportive!!

I can't wait to be a young mum! :D

i'm on to bub #2 and people still say things like "ohh get the sleep while you can" and tell me how hard it'll be with two! Im one of those women who if asked about birth im honest - 31hrs labour stiches. but worth every moment of it. when people tell me that i spoil DS too much and he should just CIO i point out that a baby has never been spoiled by cuddles and kisses. the best of the worst comments are by strange old laides in the street, they know how to raise *every ones* child im sure.

cmarfol - i can understand i had my DS at 19. DH and i had been together almost 3 years. and i lost almost all my friends. BB has been a life saver for me meany a time (theres a belly buddies grp for june 16-30 if you'd like to join us ;) )

My favourites, which are ALL from the SAME PERSON:

On Pregnancy:
"You think you're tired now, just wait until you've pushed a watermelon out of your vagina."

"What do you mean you can't have caffeine? In my day it was okay to smoke during pregnancy, and my daughter turned out just fine."

On Birth:
"Why do you need a Birth Plan? Won't you just do what the Doctor's tell you? They're the experts."

On Baby Names:
"You can't call your baby that. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

On Parenthood:
"Children are spoiled too much these days. If you can't hit a child, how are you meant to discipline them?"

:rolleyes:

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On Baby Names:
"You can't call your baby that. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

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Ohh my parents are the worst for that at times - never to anyone's face, but I swear every time a baby is born on either side of the family, they'll complain about what a stupid name the parents chose. These are people who named their daughter Tenielle (which is the best name in the world by the way ;)) complaining about a child named Xavier! :wall: They're the reason I've been a bit cautious about telling anyone that we're planning to call Smudge Ianto if he's a boy.

I tested the water a few days ago with mum, I gave her a list of "out there" names and told her to tell me what she thought of them - she LOVED Ianto :lol: