Feels like my heart is broken

Over the last 5yrs we've done so many HPTs that were neg, I had honestly given up on falling pregnant. I had told DH that I didn't want IVF as I'd always wanted to adopt, even when I was a child, so we decided to carry on doing as we were doing. We planned on buying a house and setting ourselves up first.

In January, the week after my grandmother passed away, I realised AF was late and I had some other symptoms so I thought I'd do a HPT. I even did it at work because I knew when it was negative I would have to suck it up and get back to work instead of getting upset like I usually would.

But it wasn't negative. It was a BFP. I did another. It was positive as well. I was shocked. I left work and went straight to my GP. It was confirmed. I was 6 weeks pregnant.

DH and I were over the moon. I was so excited just to get a BFP that I told everyone immediately. I kept saying "It's only early days yet. Anything could happen", but to keep me thinking positively we started talking about what we would have to do and what changes we would have to make.

In the back of my mind I felt like this wouldn't happen. I was focusing only on the 1st trimester. I kept waiting for the rug to be pulled out, but everything was going so well. I didn't have any MS, but I was exhausted, hungry and peeing all the time.

I started to let myself think about the future. About the rest of the pregnancy, about Labour, about our baby. We started to dream.

And now it's gone. It seems like some cruel joke. I tried to do everything right. I immediately stopped smoking. I completely cut caffeine. I was eating well, taking the supplements and generally taking care of myself.

I feel like I've failed my hubby. He's such a wonderful, supportive and loving man, and I like to take care of him and us as best I can, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife.

I feel like I should be happy just to experience that positive result, and to have been pregnant for that short time.

At the same time I wish it never happened.

:hug: I have no words for you.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss Ali :cry:.

I wish I could give you a real one of these :hug:.

oh hun, I am so deeply sorry.

:hug: you are not failing your husband. Please try to push those thoughts from your head.

If it feels like your heart is broken - it is. After a while it will mend just a little, then a little bit more.

I'm very very sorry. It is such an awful shock.

:hug: ali, i am so sorry for your loss.

:hug: Ali nothing I can say will make you feel any better. But I have found everyone here is so supportive so always here when you need.

I'm so sorry for your loss Ali :hug:
im Thinking of you.. i wish their i could take away the pain you are feeling hun xx

what's happened to you suxs and it is totally unfair. Life has let you down, given to the world and then taken it from you so quickly and cruelly. Its like waking up and you life being someone else's sick joke. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will help!
Just make sure you cling to you DH and support each other as best you can & I say that cause there will be days when you just can't be there for each other or one of you will say the wrong thing but that's ok as long as you always find you way back!
I am so sorry for your loss, you are not alone, ever!

Be kind to yourself and take it slow!

I'm really sorry for your loss. You don't have to be glad about anything you're not gad about, you just have to feel whatever you feel for as long as you need to feel it. You're not failing anyone, you're just grieving.

Lots of love to you at this painful stage xxxxxx

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate your wonderful comments. I think I really just needed to let those thoughts out of my head where they were churning around over and over again.

I really feel blessed to have such supportive and caring people around me. Hubby has been going to all of the appointments with me, and supported me completely through the late night trip to Emergency when the pain was unbareable. He has really been a rock for me when I know he's hurting so much as well, and I feel like we're even closer now than we were before.

Even though it's been only a few days and it still hurts so much, I know that, with time, we'll be ok. I'm just going to let myself grieve for now, and when the time is right... well... who knows what could happen.

Very sorry to hear about your loss, sending you big hugs. :hug::hug:. Very glad to hear you have great support :hug:

Ms Kara - how you doing today?

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. Grief is a confusing time and a pretty damn hard road to have to walk. It's easy to feel like you are letting people down. I hope in time you realise you are not, and it's just the grief talking. Give Dh my regards too - he's doing it tough too.

Hi Dory :) Thank you so much for asking after us.

You know... I'm doing ok! I actually feel pretty good at the moment. Thankfully my boss gave me the whole week off work, so I've been able to just relax and allow myself to feel the way I need to feel.

DH and I have had many D&Ms lately and I think we're really on the same page. I don't feel like I'm letting him down anymore. I'm still so disappointed about the m/c, but I've accepted that it just wasn't the right time. I think I knew the whole time that something wasn't right, and I know that if I'm lucky enough to have a "next time" I will be much more pro-active with my health care and getting answers when I need them.

I know tomorrow will be difficult because I have my D&C scheduled at the same time and place I was supposed to be having my first OBS appointment which isn't ideal. However, I also know that I'm strong enough to get through this and I know we'll be just fine :)

:hug: I am so sorry Ali xx

I will be thinking of you tomorrow :comfort:

thinking of you! And sending you much strength!

Ali will be thinking of you also tomorrow

MsKara - its amazing how this amazing hardship and grief can bring things you dont expect - your D & M's with DH. Glad you are feeling a bit stronger. Go gently today, it's a tough day. Glad you don't have to go to work for a while. I think it helps - just time to be in your thoughts and feelings and not have to put on a front. Thinking of you.

thinking of you today ali :hug:

Ali, I'm so sorry for your loss :comfort:
Hope you are doing ok? I know it's not easy as I am going through a similar situation, but hope you are doing ok?

Ms Kara - how are you doing today? I have been thinking of you and hoping you are putting one foot in front of the other and that for some moments, your burden is not so heavy.

I have an anniversary tomorrow, and I am numb, and scared, and sad. Weird that a "date" can have such a profound impact on our functioning.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the messages :)

I'm doing ok. D&C went much better than I expected and I had a very quick recovery. I had a lovely weekend and went back to work on Monday.

Returning to work was tough. I'd already told most people about the pregnancy, and obviously the fact that I'd MC'd hadn't been told so I had a few people telling me how excited they were and asking how I was. The first few times it was ok, but then it grated a bit and I had to escape for a while.

Otherwise things are ok. I'm pretty crampy at the moment - can't wait for that to stop. I'm feeling pretty down because of it, as it's just a constant reminder when I'd rather forget. Of course I also know I need to remember to get through the grieving process, so I'm trying to embrace it at the same time.

*sigh* I wish I could have a holiday lol

Hi MsKara,
I too returned to work on Monday after d&c on Friday and am facing the same issues. It is hard and I sympathise with the whole horrible experience. One day I think I am doing fine, and the next i just start crying. It is awful. And although people are kind, I wish I had not told anyone and could do this alone. It is hard enough with family & friends. I am crampy and sore too, is it normal. Do you know how long it lasts. My surgeon didn't really tell me anything just that it is a simple procedure and i should be fine to go back to work on Monday. Simple in theory huh
Thinking of you and sending big cyber hugs :comfort: