How do I get out of this TIP?

I live in a house of lazy pigs. That is the only way I can describe it. Nothing gets put away, I get just about yelled at if the Man can't find clothes to wear (even if they are folded up in the wardrobe), my kitchen bench is non existent (every time I manage to clear it and get everything a home, it just gets piled up again with cr@p), etc, etc. My kids don't even have anywhere outside to play FFS! There are so many other things I could tell you about that doesn't get done, even though I ask, and ask, and ask. I have even begged, and still nothing is done.

As a result, (and other relationship issues) my MIL (the Man's step mother) is strongly suggesting that I look for emergency accommodation, or public housing. I don't see that as being do-able because I also have two dogs (which won't get fed if I'm not here), and two cars. Sorry, this should probably go in another section!

Anyway, now my question... How do you get your house tidy and things disposed of/cleaned up, and people to pick up after themselves when they have no interest in doing so? This is soooo depressing, and I am just about in tears typing it. If I have the strength, I will kick the boys out, but I want to be able to live in a tidy house. I give up on making things tidy, as to put it bluntly, it just gets s*** on by the other two. :cry::cry::cry: How do I do it???? Grr, now I'm in tears!

Hun your hubby sounds like he needs a good kick up the backside! I wouldn't be washing ANY of his clothes, or cleaning any of his mess. I would be demanding he does it himself. Same with the 13 year old. Sorry but at 13 he should be helping out! My 4 and 6 year old clean up after themselves!!

Sorry I feel really angry for you. How dare they treat you like that :(

Big :hug:. I hear you and I feel overwhelmed at times too because we moved in with more stuff than fits in this space and the clutter is just morally depressing. However I don't have the compound problem of 2 unhelpful household members adding to it. Is the real problem here that you want to separate from the Man - or is it really about your home environment? Which of those is the bigger problem? Getting clear on what exactly you want to do - making a decision & then taking small steps towards achieving that - could help in regards to the relationship issues.

Re the house...in order to do a quick tidy - my first step is always grab a plastic bag and whip around the house and pick up anything and everything that might possibly pass for rubbish. Binning stray items left by messy family members is extraordinarily satisfying. Ask yourself do you really need it? Next step is I grab the laundry basket, pick anything up that doesn't belong in that room, then go to the next room, put anything in the basket away that belongs in that room, then pick up again in that room, and move to the next room. You do one rotation of the house and everything is put away. If you get interrupted part way thru, it's ok, it's all still in the basket, you can keep putting away later on.

I know some days it just seems like an endless tide, but it will be easier if you feel in control of other parts of your life. :hug:

Thanks Missymoo. I feel really angry for me, as I have let it go this way. Steph picks up after herself sometimes automatically, but I know that will very quickly change to never as she grows up and sees that "hey, Dad and big brother don't have too...".

Thinking about it now, I doubt that I will ever be able to get anything to change with them. I will just have to tidy the best I can with them around, and kick them out. I threatened to leave a little while ago, and the Man said that I had to leave the kids as this is where they live, and they don't need to keep changing address and this is their home. Well, in that case, don't let the gate hit you in the a**e on the way out!

double post

he said that :o

Sorry but kids growing up with a role model like that is NOT ok!

Oh hun why are you stll with him :( He sounds like he doesn't give a **** about you :( :hug:

Trust me, as a single mumma with soon to be 4 kids, it is SO much easier on your own. Really, the emotional and physical side really IS easier, especially when you have another 'child' to look after.

*sorry I know I am very anti male at the moment and so sick of seeing them treat their partners like crap*

The rule in my house is that if is not mine and I'm picking it up, it goes in the bin! Toys and clothes included. DH was the hardest to re-train.. lol, he had to lose a few good tops and a lot of socks before he got the message. :dance:

MD, there are a number of reasons why I want to separate from the Man, and this is one of them. I believe that everyone should contribute to the household. If they can contribute towards making the mess, then they sure as hell can contribute to the tidying up. I can't differentiate which is the bigger problem, but I know that there doesn't seem to be any improvement in in the relationship side of things.

I do pick things up as I go past them, or if I'm heading towards the bedroom, then I'll grab whatever needs to be in the laundry on my way past, that kind of thing. Avoiding going anywhere empty handed. I just get so distracted by trying to do one thing, then I put some of that away only to find that where I want to put it has to be tidied, and then get stuck into tidying that up, and the next thing, and the next thing after that. I mean, to cook dinner, I have to wash the dishes from the night before. If I get called away from the dishes (usually an unhappy Ryan), then dinner doesn't get made until late, and the Man comes home, and wonders what the hell I've been doing all day. But he doesn't think to help me wash the dishes in the evening. I managed to get him and the Boy to wash the dishes two nights in a row months ago, and said that I wanted them to do them every evening so I had time to give the other two kids baths. Well, that never happened, and when I stay up late in the kitchen trying to clean up he gets annoyed that I'm not spending time sitting with him on the couch watching tv! They just make me so angry as to how lazy they are. They are bad role models who I don't think will ever change. :cry:

Missymoo, he didn't say the thing about the gate, that's what I wish I could tell him! He did say the thing about the kids having to stay. How do I kick out a child? Child? Ha, he has been at our place since TUesday because apparently he is being bullied, and "needs our help". Now, I have not been involved in ANY discussion about it, and have heard the Boy and Man talking about things when I am in the other room (this is nothing new, they do it all the time, make plans, etc and don't involve me at all), and he has not been at school since Tuesday. And he's been going to work with the Man all week. Sorry, off topic.

My partner is very messy and I'm not naturally tidy so I've had to crack down. Left to his own devices, DP will leave stuff all over the dining room table to the point that we can't eat there. By 'stuff', I mean a computer, scanner, numerous heavy books, papers, loose change, wallet, tissues etc. etc.

I now give him notice. I say, "if that's stuff not cleared away by x then everything goes in the bin." And I do it. I've thrown important paperwork away without a care in the world and he's had to go fishing around in the recycling for it.

He doesn't know it yet but I've also just thrown a packet of chocolate sultanas away. He left them out, DD wanted them and had a meltdown and I'm sick of being the one who has to put up with the tantrums because he's bought stuff and left it out where she can see it.

He now takes me seriously and is a lot tidier than he used to be.

I can't seem to throw things out like that.

I started piling anything DH left lying around, on his desk in his office. That way he had to clear it off in order to work. He got quite upset about it but I said, this house is my workspace and that's effectively what you're doing when you leave your crap lying around everywhere. He got the message and got better at picking up after himself.

I second going on strike, sometimes its the only way they realise that they need to pull their weight. Why should you cook and clean for them when they won't even pick up their crap and expect you to pick it up like you're their personal maid?? If I were you, I'd just cook for myself and the little ones, every time they don't do the dishes the night before. They'll soon get the message when it's THEM who has to wade their way through a messy kitchen to organise food. Do that with every area they fail to take responsibility. They don't pick up their clothes? You don't wash them. Etc, etc.

Honestly though, it sounds like the issues are deeper than just housework. Are you getting some positives out of the relationship?

Fiona - love it, that's what i'm going to do next time DH slackens off.

I don't see any positives out of the relationship atm.

I have stopped unpacking their stuff from when they go 4wd, but it doesn't make any difference. There is a esky with an iceblock and some towels or something in there just inside the front door that you have to step around to get past. Its been there for over a month, and he complains when he doesn't have any frozen iceblocks to take away with him in another esky/cold bag. This esky has plastic shopping bags sitting on top of it, which I have asked him numerous times to move, but they are still there. I am going to move them right now before Ryan chokes on them. There is another cold bag in the kitchen that Steph and Ryan were playing in/on last night and he said 'oh daddy should have moved that' and instead of putting everything in it away, he just pushes it to the sliding door next to where it should have been packed away too.

I gave up trying to clean up outside where the kids could play, as it is stacked with car parts. I can't even park my pram there. It either has to go outside the gate (a no-can-do here) or stay in my car, or if it is squeezed in, then you have to battle to get past it.

Oh that sound like a nightmare. Does he hoard stuff? Why is he collecting car parts? Could you give him an ultimatum? Like, "clean up all your clutter in 2 weeks or I'm hiring a skip and will start chucking whatever taking up living space!". That's what I'd do. You and the little ones need and have the right to enjoy some uncluttered space to live and play. No wonder you're not feeling unhappy and frustrated.

Can you see things improving or able to improve? What things about your partner and relationship did you used to enjoy?

Oh darlin :hug:

Your tagline is a great quote and one I have used for a long time. Small steps. Everything makes a difference, no matter how small the effort. Steph has a role model in you. And a positive role model will always ultimately shine brighter.

I figured I couldn't change someone else without their consent, so I had to either change me or change my thinking about it.

But that only worked for the house.

I wish I had some fabulous advice, but stuff isn't always great here either.
:hug: again.

I am a bit of a clutter queen and loathe cleaning. DH is worse than me. So there is a real struggle here to get this house tidy and organised. Personally I have found the flitting thing does not work. I find I need to keep focused. So that means I have to stop myself and commit to the room or to a time frame (10 minutes). I just chuck things into the hall or into a basket for what does not belong there. Saying that though I do struggle when putting away clothes with needing to tidy up the wardrobe first. If I am in a flitting mood, then I try to focus making sure I keep on returning to the area that needs the most work eg washing up, then hang out clothes, back to kitchen wipe benches, straighten up couch, sweep kitchen floor. I also find being on the phone gets me moving and I don't even notice that I am cleaning.

Big :hug: I know how hard it is to deal with someone who wont deal with their own mess. He tends to blame me, needs me to do something first or that my 1 box is stopping him :rolleyes: It is bit like the hole in bucket, I need him to tidy first (like the shed) and he won't touch it until I move my stuff, but I can't my put stuff anywhere until he tidies.

I'm another who uses the basket from room to room system. Even if the stuff doesn't get put where it belongs at least it is tidy and I know where it is.

My dining table is usually covered with books, papers, keys, etc so I tend to stack it all in one pile at one end of the table. It looks neater that way until I get a chance to put things away.

I had trouble with DH putting his dirty washing in the laundry hamper. He'd just leave his clothes on the floor next to it! Until one day I had enough and I said to him if it's not in the basket by Friday night it doesn't get washed. I only wash what's in the basket. It took a week and no clean work shirts and trousers before he co-operated :)

Have you thought about taking some photos of your house and yard? Print them out and show your man. Sometimes they just see past it all but a picture allows you to step back from it and see it all in reality. He might wake up to it then.

Good idea about the photo! After a ridiculous argument one day where he swore black and blue that the office wasn't messy even though the floor was a death trap of empty beer bottles, opened book stacked on open book and general clutter, I said, "OK, d'you know what, I'm going to photograph it and send it to Judge Tracy (one of our friends) and see whether she thinks it's messy." Got cleaned up the same day.

I'm going to steal some of this advice, I hope I can add to it. Maybe take a day or 2 and clean the house as much as possible. Then get a couple of plastic tubs, baskets or boxes, anything that belongs to your husband and the grown up kids that is not put away goes in the box.

Also it you want to retrain them- organise the hell out of you house. Have a place for everything, (a label maker come in handy) coats go on the hook by the door, shoes on this shelf etc etc you can label every cupboard, hook and box in your house and pictures/ photos for the little ones. You may need more shelves! That guy Peter Walsh from Oprah who organises peoples junk says you should never use flat surfaces to store things ie tables, benches. If everything has a home it's much easier to put things away, you house will look like a kindergarten but you will have your sanity. Then start teaching EVERYONE "don't put it down, put it away"

If you want to be tough start confiscating toys and computer games for a period if they are left lying around. But work up to it- organise house, explain the new rules and have a count down. Like "put this on the bookshelf, next week if I see it on the floor it's mine for a week"

I may have written this more for myself! I don't do it I have just read ALOT of books on the subject!!! I am a terrible hypocrite!

Thanks for your replies everyone! I've been at my Mum's the last couple of days, so away from my pc. My brother is kind enough to let me use his atm.

Skeetaboat; He collects car parts as we are hoping to open a workshop (so he can stash all his cr@p there!), and we have a business working on 4wds and parts supply. But, if he organised teh garage he would have room for teh majority of it, and it wouldn't be strewn everywhere. And we are 'car people'. Yes, he hoards, and so do I, but I try not to let it go everywhere. The first step, is to stop bringing it in! I doubt very much that the ultimatum would work, as we can't afford to get a skip like that!
We used to enjoy going cruising together, we met through classic cars.

Kim; Thanks for saying all that. It makes me feel a bit more positive about myself and that I can do things, at least for Steph's sake (and Ryan's). I must be having some sort of positive impact on Ryan, as get this, the other day when I was folding a basket of washing, he pulled his bib off his high chair and came over and put it in the basket to be folded. Then, when the tea towel was visible in the basket, he grabbed that out, and crawled with it over to the drawer where the tea towels live, opened it, and stuffed the tea towel in there, and shut the drawer again! He's one for goodness sake, he can't even walk! Yet he's tidying! Love him!

Astrid; I do things while I'm on the phone too, usually folding washing.

Eluned; I've told the Man that if the washing is not on the washing pile in the bedroom or in the laundry basket in the laundry (there's no basket in the bedroom as there's no space) then it doesn't get washed. Damm, Ryan is awake, I will finish posting tomorrow!