babysitting request etiquette

just generally wondering how you deal with well meaning family members who are desperate to babysit your babies/children, but whom you may not really want to...?

i am in the fortunate/unfortunate situation of my mum and dad being brilliant babysitters, the type i do not have an ounce of worry over having my kids, their place is like my kids second home, well actually it is their second home, they have their own rooms, beds/cots, more toys than we have at home, you get my drift... my mum does things just as i would, and is honest when anything happens, ie kids upset, baby not settling/sleeping whatever... i had a very hard-to-manage firstborn and mum and dad helped out ALOT... i now have what seems to be a dream baby who is most of the time sleeping thru at 11 weeks old, is generally content and i don't need as much help with... yay!

my mum and dad looked after dream bubs at 10 weeks for a night so we could catch up with friends... i would never have dreamed about having anyone look after him so young, but knowing he is such a 'good' baby, and having such faith in my mum etc, i honestly didn't give it a second thought... that is how comfortable i am with them.

my MIL is now going on about how its 'her turn' to have the baby.... she has never even had my 3 year old dd for a sleep over, but is going on about how she wants 11 week old DS for a sleepover 'next time'.... she can't stand that my mum and dad get to 'have' the kids more than her... but there are so many reasons for this, they are retired and have more time, they have a house completely kitted out for it, MIL runs a business, is heavily involved in other sporting activities every weekend, has NOTHING at her house that the kids could play with/use/sleep on, and is generally unable to sit still for 5 minutes.... she whinges to other people that i never let her have the kids, but to be honest she is never available when it co-incides with us going out/needing a sitter, and also my 3 year old doesn't want to stay there at all as she is going thru a sooky i want mummy phase.... i am just not confident at all in her looking after my young baby.... i mean, i know he would survive, its not like she'd kill him, but at the same time i can imagine him screaming his head off and her in the back yard thinking he is sound asleep (happened this weekend over easter, i rescued him after a few minutes).

sorry this is so long, i have rambled so much and its not really even the tip of the iceburg, the situation is a bit more complex....

i'm just wondering how you deal with people who keep dropping hints they want to babysit.... is it reasonable that i don't want to leave my 11 week old baby with anyone at all, and if i do have to, i want it to be my mum who i am most comfortable with? can't she see that when her daughter has kids (please hurry the F&%k up!!!) thats when it will be her turn to be the 'more involved' grandma?

its just stressing me out a bit...

The maternal grandmother has NO right to be more involved than the paternal. It isn't a grandparent's turn to star when their daughter has children. A good grandparent can be the man's parent.

Sorry, your last comment irritated me a lot and I'm not going to be quiet about that.

Having said that, if I don't want someone to babysit I just say "no, I don't want that." If they want to push and ask why, I tell them that I don't trust them fully with my child because...

My mum had a cot, which was used for DS... but he never had a sleepover there without me staying too. Because I was happy to tell mum I wasn't ready to leave DS with her. She didn't push it. She knew if she did too much, I wouldn't visit with DS full stop.

PiL have no baby stuff, but enough pre-school stuff to keep DS happy. They have him one afternoon a week and love it. He has never slept the night there: interestingly enough, he asks them if he can stay for dinner/bath/bed and they say no! I must confess, I am happy about that. I was only comfortable leaving DS with mum when she discovered the joys of co-sleeping (after bagging me about it for years): she insists on DS sleeping with her every night when we visit now! I know PiL wouldn't be very good with DS in the middle of the night and they know it too. So no sleepovers.

but surely it is fairly normal to be more comfortable with your own parents, than the parents of someone else you haven't known as long (and haven't grown up with all your life).... i'm not saying the maternal grandma has 'more rights', but saying that in my case (and i'm wondering if in other people's cases to) it feels more natural and comfortable to leave my kids with my parents, i have zero worries...

i'd love for her to have them on a weekly basis for an afternoon or something, but she has so much on her plate it wouldn't be possible, but it annoys me that she continues to whinge she never 'gets' them... i feel like she's had 3 years to make a proper effort, and its not on my part that it hasn't happened... if she turned up and had more than 5 minutes to spare and offered to take the kids for a few hours i would be jumping with joy, but it just never happens.... i just get other people telling me she keeps going on about me not letting her have them, usually when they are novelty newborns mind you, for sleepovers...

my parents have only had my DS once, its hardly like they are always having him and she is never... there has only been one occassion in his short little life so far...

urrrrgh i just find it frustrating and i stress about the things she is saying to other people about me, as i don't feel she makes a true effort to actually 'help out', its more a lot of talking about wanting to help out, but then never actually being available. i suppose my next strategy is just to ask her if she wants to have the kids, and if she says she can't cos she is busy with XYZ, then i at least i have tried to accommodate her wanting them, and it has been her that has turned me down.... i think i will do that.

Can you start with her looking after the kids at your place? Explain that your parents have everything for the kids at their place and you know that she doesn't so it would be easier to start with her coming ovber to look after them at your place.

Plan in advance to go out for dinner or something close by with your DH and go out for a couple of hours. Gradually build it up and in a few months you might feel more comfortable leaving the kids at your IL's place once they have proved themselves on your turf.

Its the opposite for me, MIL has her house set up for kids with a cot in one room and a little bed and lots of toys in the other. She watches them more often as my mum although she loves my girls she has trouble coping with the two of them and hates changing nappies so they get bad rash etc. So it can be completely different, its my mum who wants to watch the girls but isn't available as much. we have her watch the girls here if it night time as everything they need is here.

I think my MIL is a natural with kids, but my mum isn't she is a very self centred person and it shows although she does love them, I also think it helps that DH and I have been together since we were 16 so I have known her for 17 years.

Ring your MIL and ask her to babysit and make sure she knows you are asking her first and giver the opportunity to say no, she may change her plans or make more free time if she isn't feeling so left out. Start at your house and you can always take things with them to her place.

I undertsand how hard it would be because it can happen to anyone with any possible future babysitter: friends, aunties, grandparents etc. I remember offering to baby-sit my friends kids years ago and only realise now how unprepared I would have been - not in the physical sense but with just knowing what to do.

I think when kids are young the person who is looking after them has to have some idea about what they like/dislike, how they operate, their routines etc. They get to know this by spending time with your kids and you and your partner. Once you feel like they have a good understanding then you might feel comfortable leaving them. I don't think it matters how much "stuff" they have (though it can help!) but it's more about their attitude and if they are willing to listen to you and your requests.

Offer for you MIL to spend more time with you and maybe suggest that with your youngest being so young still maybe she needs to get to know him better before he has an overnight stay. Tell her you don't want it to be a stressful situation for her because it would be if she simply just took them and did whatever.

I really don't think it matter who the baby sitter is, as long as you are comfortable then you can be happy.

My parents live on the other side of the world and it often makes things very challenging for me. My MIL lives 1.5 hours away and babysits when I need her to. She is so great with our little boy and also has a great set-up at her home for all off her grandkids (toys, portacot etc.).

I really do trust her implicitly with our boy and, because he is her 8th grandchild she is very calm and experienced with the littlies. My parents are a bit more cautious - they want instructions from me for everything. They just aren't as confident as she is and I think they fuss a bit more about doing the right thing by both our son and me. So even although I would leave him with them in a heartbeat, the lead-up is often more stressful! The fact that they live so far away doesn't give them much practice either! So no, I don't necessarily favour my parents over my in-laws at all

Having said all of that, my only advice is that circumstances change and you need to realise that in the event of your mum moving away and/or starting work (or whatever), you may well need help and your MIL may be the only one who can help you. To not foster your and your son's relationship (and this does mean giving them some one-on-one time) with her by giving her some room to move and giving her the benefit of the doubt could really impact on your family going forward.

Sorry to sound so prescriptive, but I know how hard it can be to not have help that you always bargained on growing up (i.e. always having your folks around) just because circumstances change. Just want you to know. I hope things all work out well for you :)

I agree with being more comfortable with leaving DD with my parents, rather than my PIL's, overnight. For a few reasons - DD has a cot/bed there, has plenty of toys (all my old toys that mum kept and looked after), its safe, we slept there with her a few times before we left her alone. And the main reason is that i can tell my parents how I want them to do things, and know that they will do things our way. Having said that, I'm flexible with things such as bedtime and how they get her to sleep, because I know they won't leave her to get upset, and won't let her stay up to late. My IL's on the other hand, I don't feel as if I can say how I want things done, I know FIL doesn't agree with some of the ways we do things, which worries me, they don't really have anything set up, and there is lots of clutter there, which means DD has to be watched constantly as its just too unsafe! When tehy've had DD for a few hours, I've told MIL things, and they've not been followed, plus MIL has been known to give DD food that we don't want her to have.

This has turned into a long ramble, but just wanted to say that I understand what your saying to some extent. I find that if I leave DD with them occasionally, then they don't seem to ask about having her overnight.

I totally agree with not being comfortable having IL's babysit. I'll never be comfortable for my MIL to babysit i don't think! The good thing is me & DH both agree on who can babysit our DS. We've agreed my parents can for a maximum of say 3ish hours, because I'm so close to them I know I can trust them completely, and our friends who themselves have 2 kids can baby sit for longer than that if needed, because we trust them & we know that they know what they're doing. DH has admitted that his mum probably wouldn't have a clue!

But I would agree that it has something to do with how long you have known the person, how much you trust them, and if you've seen them with younger kids and what impressions you got. And if you don't feel comfortable letting someone babysit but you let them anyway, you won't have any fun doing what you have to do because you'll constantly be worrying! No advice on how to tell people no though, we plan on just saying we don't need a babysitter atm!

I'm more comfortable with PiL babysitting. They babysat for full days when DS was a year old: my mum didn't get him "to herself" for more than an hour or two until this year. Why? Because PiL did a pretty good job of DH (IMO) and they listen to me: they actually check ingredients before saying "oh, it's fine" when the food isn't. And they're not so fussed about appearing young that they'll wear glasses to the supermarket to check labels. DH and DS have allergies/intolerances to a foods so although milk is a new one to them, now they know about DS not having milk they're REALLY good with it (took a few visits after we found out for MiL to remember, but she is almost 70).

Yes, so, PiL have two up on my parents; three if you count that they live nearby too.

It isn't about who are the maternal grandparents... why should you trust your parents more? Maybe because you had a great childhood. Well, did your husband have that also? He trusts his parents - why can't you? (Not a specific you, a general one.) Before someone babysits I look at their merits WITHOUT considering how they're related to me. Trusting my mother because she's my mother... poor Liebling if I had done that! I left him for an hour as a baby with her because she guilted me with the "I'm your mother" thing - as I said, almost 3 years before I let her have a sleeping Liebling again!

the fact that she is the paternal grandma is irelevant, its more that she is quite unstable and flighty, not that she'd ever do anything intentionally to hurt the kids, i am not for a second suggesting that, but just very eratic and scatter brain with a million things on her mind.... i have seen her looking after younger kids before and getting distracted with other priorities and it just worries me... its not just me that thinks this and has commented so its not me having a warped perception...
i'm gunna start with short stints of babysitting so that she feels included, and hope that that satisfies her and everyone is happy...

Why should you have to leave your kids with someone just to make THEM happy? Sorry, there is something really wrong here, if you are not comfortable with your ILs babysitting, then frankly they shouldn't be babysitting - sure they might be a tad offended, but seriously if you are concerned about the level of care your toddler or baby will receive then dont do it :o

My Mum babysits for us because I feel comfortable with this arrangement, and can actually enjoy my time away from my DS as I know he is well cared for, loved and has my Mums complete attention. I can't imagine a time when I will be comfortable with my ILs babysitting, they have no common sense and don't show enough respect for other peoples parenting methods (they have shown this with my BILs kids as have disrespected direct requests regarding appropriate foods for their baby when they have baby sat my nephew and given him raw apple because they thought he wanted an apple as reached out for it - HELLO CHOKING HAZARD!!!!), also their house is very innappropiate for kids - steep cement stairs with no hand rail, lots of glass furniture etc. I know my MIL is itching to have DS by herself, but it wont be happening anytime soon - perhaps once he can drive :D

I'm all for family harmony etc, but why do you have to let your MIL babysit to make her happy when this will cause you worry? I think its perfectly appropriate to be selfish when it comes to appropriate care givers babies and toddlers

Naomi

I think every situation is different, some PIL's may be fantastic babysitters and others might not find it so easy or natural.

I think you should always trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right then it's not. That doesn't mean that this is not right for everyone...just not for you. And you shouldn't have to feel bad about it.

Personally it would be a waste of time for me going out, if I didn't feel comfortable about who I'd left DS with I'd spend the whole night worrying. kwim?

Apologies Emma, I took

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can't she see that when her daughter has kids (please hurry the F&%k up!!!) thats when it will be her turn to be the 'more involved' grandma?

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to mean that you thought maternal grandmothers deserved more time with the grandchildren.

But as I said in my initial post - if you don't want her to babysit, you should feel able to say no. If she's rude enough to demand to know why, in front of friends... tell her that she's not responsible enough because you have SEEN her not take care of children she's looking after before. More than enough of a reason for me.

thank you mummynaomi you have hit the nail on the head.... that is the EXACT situation, the babysitting is to make HER happy, not to help us out, or be convenient to us, or to spend time with our kids.... its more so she can have bragging rights to everyone she knows that she babysat our newborn... our 3 year old barely gets noticed.
if she actually wanted to spend time with us and our kids we might get a dinner invitation once in a while (in all the years we have only ever had ONE!), or she could come over and stay for longer than 5 minutes (no exageration)... there are lots of things she could do as a grandma to be more involved and i don't think it should be my job to ensure she has time to see the grandkids... she either makes time in her busy life or she misses out.... we have had them over for lots of bbq's and dinners etc, i feel we are doing 'our bit'... the reason my mum sees the grandkids more is because i am closer to her (not geographically, the in laws are 2 minutes away!!) but she also she has a genuine desire to help out, and makes time to make the grandkids a priority....
anyways i think i just needed to hear that its not my job to make someone happy by loaning my kids out...

I know the feeling. Maybe though she wants to feel that she has at leadt been considered to babysit. Have you tried asking her to babysit at a time that you know she will be very unavailable to do so and just pretend that you "'forgot" about her prior engagement? That way you asked and she can't complain that she never gets to look after them because you can just say well I did ask but you refused. I agree with you though. If you are not comfortable with her looking after them, then she shouldn't look after them. It's not worth the time spent worrying about them when they are with her, and children are not playthings to be lent out to make someone happy.

I have the same thing with my MIL. Luckily she lives in Toowomba and I am in Canberra, so it is easy to make excuses when we do see her.

In our situation, I know the kids would be safe (she is always looking after all of my neices and nefews - there are alot of them), but I feel really uncomfortable with her parenting methods and the way she interacts with kids. It is not something I can really describe, but I just cannot feel comfortable with her looking after my kids, until they are a certain size/age and have more independance.

I have discussed it with DH, and although he would likely leave our kids with her without even thinking about it (he is used to her parenting, afterall it is his mum), he certainly understands what I mean and why I would feel uncomfortable, and so we have agreed not to let her babysit until the kids are older.

I think talking it out with the father is important, because these are his parents afterall.

Your, your child's mum....you have a right to say were your child goes and get that you must be frustrated with all the attention.

On the other hand....Id be pretty darn stoked if my MIL would be like that, let alone my mum. Thank your stars you have people who love you children and want to be in your childs life and want to help you.....you can always send her my way ;)

its not genuine though... she talks alot about wanting them but then is never available... she was meant to look after them today and never did, never called or anything.... its all for show.... alot of talking the talk but not walking the walk, if that makes sense... anyways i'll work through it and get over it... i have way bigger things to worry about at the moment yet this plagues me.

that just emotional black mail...she doesnt say it to DD at all and doesnt follow through? thats just plain horrible :( why go to all that effort and not do it? man :shakehead:

Please dont send her my way now.....I dont think I need to replace my kicking post yet