Grandparents?? What are your thoughts??

I am not too sure if this is going to make sense i am just curious.

So do you think that either set of grandparents have more rights to spending time with the grandchildren.

I think that they should treat all of their grandchildren equal. Even if it is their son's children or their daughter gave birth to them!!

Does this make sense??

My MIL treats her daughter's children differently to her son's children!! I think this is wrong!!!! They are still her grandkids and should be treated equally all the time!!

What are you thoughts and experiences??????

I agree to an extent, but it's not because of whether they are maternal or paternal grandparents, but more about the people they are.

For example, I will leave my children with my father for a few hours without a second thought, but I won't leave them with my father in law for more than 10 minutes. My dad is ridiculously over protective to the point of being annoying to the kids, but it means that I know they will always be safe. My FIL isn't & the one time he was left alone with both kids, he left my then 15month old DD near three steps that lead to the garage which was open to the road. She fell down the steps & had a nasty head injury.

Both gradmothers are treated equally.

My two are the first grandchildren on both sides so there's no-one else for them to treat differently IYKWIM.

In my eyes the more people who love my child the better. :)

I think grandparents should love all their grand children the same regardless of what side they came from. Family is family regardles IYKWIM.

I do feel more of a closeness for my mother though(which I think that is natural) and I dont want DD to miss out on that but at the same time, DD has a closeness with DP's mum who just adores her so I love that.

I'll BBL to add more. We are having lunch at the moment.

Hey!

this is a really tough question and i can kinda answer from 2 perspectives.
My mum now has my kids and my brothers little man and she comments on how totaly different it is for her. My kids are always around and she pops in everyday after work. If i have a problem i go to my mum and quite naturally if my SIL has a problem she goes to her mum. I think it is just the way it is, unless there are other issues iykwim I think if you stood back it may look like my mum treats my kids different but i dont think it is an intentional thing. IYKWIM I think it is just how it happens and you quite often hear MIL vents and stuff... i think sometimes the MIL is a bit stand-offish ( wow dont think that is a word lol) becuase she doent want to been seen as the evil intruding MIL...
In saying all that... If my MIL tried to treat my kids the way she treats my other SIL kids i would go off!! and i dont think i would be comfortable with her having as much involvement with my kids as my mum does .

Wow i really think i missed the point i was trying to make lol but hopefully you can kinda see where i am coming from!

:

---

My MIL treats her daughter's children differently to her son's children!! I think this is wrong!!!! They are still her grandkids and should be treated equally all the time!!

What are you thoughts and experiences??????

---

here here!!! MIL wont admit it and wont see it though if its pointed out to her. Her Daughter is 30weeks pg atm and she is organising cots ect to have at their place for when she need's abreak...god when was the last time they took any of my children for a break...um NEVER.

FIL is worse.....his favourite is his eldest son, his wife and their children. He totally changes when we are all together.

terrible isnt it..I pray to god im not like that

I know what you are saying sarah and i agree totally, i would only leave my children with someone i trusted.

I just think that if you have more then one set of grandchildren they should be treated equally!!! If you call one set and see how they are you should make sure you call the others. etc etc....

I know if it was me I would treat them equally just like we treat our own children equally!!

MAZ i am feeling you honey and i am glad i am not the only one!!!!!

My mil calls my sil asking to have her kids!!!!!:o She has NEVER done that and she will make excuses why she can't have them so honestly i dont even bother asking her anymore. My opinion is that why should i force my children on someone who does not want them!!!!

Ooooh ok I get ya, I thought you were talking about how the grandparents were treated as well :redface: As I said, there's only my two, so no comparison as yet. My ILs only have two sons so I suspect all grandchildren will be treated the same.

All good sarah i do see your point as well though!!!!

Christmas last year broke my heart.

Inlaws fly up to NSW to spend time with BIL, wife and kids (the fav ones) and fair enough SIL was pg and due February but christmas....but I had to ask if they would come and look after my 3 little ones when I had tank.

Dudie asked if they would spend Christmas up here with us sometime cause we are the ones running to spend time with them in Melbourne. I have always made apoint of trying to get equal time between my parents and J man's but there is only so much running you can do especially when your kids miss out on some of the love :(

SIL had her son 3 weeks after we had Dudie. Inlaws did eveyrthing for him and her....my kids missed out on alot :( but kids take not...dont worry its starting to come out now and it really really does break my heart

Well, from my mother's point of view - she's told me this herself - she would feel more comfortable with her daughters' children because of the relationship she has with me and my sister. She would be more hesitant with my brother's children because she'd be worried about treading on SIL's toes and would expect that my SIL would naturally be closer to her own mother. It wouldn't affect the love she had for them - but perhaps her approach would be more reserved, in terms of offering help and support.

Given all the anti-MIL threads I see around here, I hardly think this is surprising, that most women are closer to their mothers rather than their MILs and that would therefore have an effect on the MIL's relationship with the children. It may not be intentional, but I know my Mum feels less welcome in my SIL's house than she does in my house or my sister's.

I should also add that I don't have a MIL - she died when DH was 18 and I never met her. So the anti-MIL rants do tend to get on my nerves a bit. I have very little family anyway and my children deserve to be loved by as many people as possible and I am very sad that they have hardly any relatives around to appreciate them. My own Dad has only seen my DS on 6 occasions in his entire life and he will be 4 years old this year. When my FIL was still alive on the other hand, he would ring once a week from NZ and want to know what DS had been eating, how he'd gone at baby swimming lessons, all the tiny little details, he was hugely interested. I miss that so much - it was more than I got from my own family. I wouldn't be throwing rocks at the way they are appreciated, I'd just be glad that they ARE.

Excuse me while I go away to have a little cry...(pregnant and emotional).

Mmm not sure - the parents are not the same therefore I think is better to treat them all appropriately but doesn't necessarily have to be equal, making things equal for the sake of being equal sort of defeats the point.

E.g. My PIL now have two grandaughters born within 6 weeks of each other, one they live an hour a way from and is the daughter of their daughter and one they live on the other side of the world from - my daughter - daughter of their son. I think due to circumstances is perfectly normal that they buy a lot of things for my niece, they see her every week - it annoys me that they then will get same/similar for my DD - they are not the same they don't need the same things, I don't mind not getting anything, and I don't agree with flying stuff around the world all the time - things are not an expression of affection. I really hate the enforced equalness - oh we have done this for SIL so we want to do for you - what I really want is for them to listen and treat the GD's and us as individuals. Not sending us anything at Christmas (usually rubbish from the pound shop) would show that they actually know us a little bit and listen to what we say and what our values are, but I think they do it to treat us all equally.

I understand where everyone is coming from and i suppose everyone's situation is different.

My il's live in the same area and the kids are all of similar age, it breaks my heart when my DS gets upset cause his cousin has sleep over at nana's house etc and why can't he!! I don't think that everyting needs to be equal exactly but in the kids eye's it should be cause if even the kids notice it then it must be bad!!!!!

Curly i am sorry that you don't have a mil and i am sorry if me whinging about mine upsets you, i don't post things to upset people !!

:

---

Well, from my mother's point of view - she's told me this herself - she would feel more comfortable with her daughters' children because of the relationship she has with me and my sister. She would be more hesitant with my brother's children because she'd be worried about treading on SIL's toes and would expect that my SIL would naturally be closer to her own mother. It wouldn't affect the love she had for them - but perhaps her approach would be more reserved, in terms of offering help and support.

---

My MIL is a bit like this. Our kids are her only grandkids, and she only has sons, but she worries that shes 'interfereing' or that Id prefer my mum for some things etc.

Lovemykids - maybe the word is fair rather than equal? and I tend to agree if your DS notices it then isn't quite right. I know when we were kids (one of three) we weren't always treated equally by our parents but I think we were all treated fairly.

I can't say from expericene with our kids, as they're the first on either side, but growing up, my paternal grandma defiantely treated her son's kids (me and my brother) and her daughter's child completly different, and as a PP has said, the kids do pick up on it. I've known from a young age that the order of preference goes my cousin in top spot, who can do no wrong, then my brother, and then me. As a result, I am alot closer to my maternal nanna, even though she lived 200miles away so we only saw her maybe 4 times a year, wheres my grandma lived 5mins up the road and we saw them most weeks.

my mum and i were talking about this today. she has four grandkids - my DD and my brothers three kidlets (9, 8 and 5). we were talking about how much time she gets to spend with them all. her comments were basically that she gets to see DD more than the other three - not because she doesn't want to see them, but, as others have mentioned, that her relationship with me is different to her relationship with my bro and SIL. bro and SIL live five minutes walk from mum - i live 15 minute drive. SIL's parents live two minutes drive from mum and bro/SIL - SIL is the only daughter in a family of 7... we know that SIL's parents have a closer relationship with SIL's kids than my parents do - it's not because they don't want it, but more about the relationships that exist. SIL has always said she would rather ask her own mum for help than mine.

my DH has already lost his parents, so mum and dad both said today that they don't want DD to feel like she is missing out on things because she only has one set of grandparents. i honestly don't know how that will play out as time goes on - i think they were meaning that they would make extra effort for things like grandparents day at kinder (when she goes) as there is no one else to do it...

Yes I definitely agree grandaprents should love all their grand kids the same.

One perspective might be that older generations might feel the "main" parent or caregiver is the parent, which even today timewise it the general thing, for sahm's and often mums can be more strict or set on routines, ways of doing things etc (just as a generalisation) because with sahm's (well at least in my situation...dh is VERY invloved father and equal to me as a parent...but) I set a lot of the routines, what food when, how much, sleep tomes etc...just as a practical thing because i'm a sahm so i am the one dealing with the kids day after day and structuring their days. And so (not saying this a reflection of you actions or personality) but perhaps mil feels shecan do more with you neices and/or nephews as their mum is her dd????

Also its possible ur MIL is just a dip stick??? haha

With our familys our 2 ds's are the first and only grandkids on either side so far and dh's parents moved back to nz after 20yrs here when i was preg with ds1 so mu mum is much closer to the kids for obvious reasons but dh's parents will be moving back in the next while so we will see what happens then

:

---

My ILs only have two sons so I suspect all grandchildren will be treated the same.

---

Yep, same here my DH is one of 3 brothers so i don't think the grandkids will be treated differently (that is if BIL's ever HAVE kids :o)

oooh i'm glad i found this thread, albeit i had to skim read as i need to get to bed.... i think grandparents should obviously treat grandkids equally, but agree with someone else's statement that it actually depends on the relationship they have with their sons, daughters and both inlaws... i think that is usually the main factor...
i started another thread similar to this about grandparents babysitting, called babysitting request etiquette in the baby and toddler board.... i am wondering just because a person is a grandparent, does that give them automatic rights to 'have a shot' of babysitting your child...?? my MIL has been described as unstable by my partner, not in a bad way (i know that doesn't make sene), i mean she has emotional issues that make her unstable, she is not some sort of maniac, digging myself into a grave here... anyways i can handle her babysiting for some short stints, but anything more than that and i would worry, just because she is so erratic and doesn't listen to instruction and also will tell you that so and so 'was fast asleep the whole time' even though you know it not to be true...
anyways i'm waffling.... my original question is, do grandparents have automatic rights to overnight sleepovers and the rest of it, even if you as the mum aren't too comfortable with it... am i awful for not just ignoring my issues/instincts and letting it happen, because she is their grandma afterall... its tough.

the ONLY people who have sleepover rights are the parents - anyone else is up to the discretion of the parents. if oyu're not comfy, don't send them!

:

---

my original question is, do grandparents have automatic rights to overnight sleepovers and the rest of it

---

No-one has "automatic rights" except the parents!, whether its for sleepovers or any other thing relating to your child, you have the final say ;)

Good thought provoking thread ;)

We have three sets of grand parents as DH's parents are both re-married.

His mother lives interstate, so we don't see her much, maybe once or twice a year. She was supposed to come down for Easter but went all quiet - then I found out she had other grandkids go and stay with her - so she ditched her plans to see DD and DS :shakehead:.

His father is with controlling woman with whom DH had words with over three months ago. Since then, we've not seen or heard from them at all.

My mum is in a hospice but I make sure the kids visit her as much as possible - she loves them to bits and is very protective of them. Hows that? The best grandma the kids have has not got long to live :crying:. As of an hour ago my father (who is still married and 'with' my mum) said he wanted nothing to do with me. So he loses contact with the kids too....

So from what others are saying it seems a lot of our kids are missing out on grandparent type love. So what do you do to work thru that pain and heart break for your precious babies / kids who have grandparents that don't seem to 'favour' them or even spend quality time with them (for better words)....you know what I'm trying to say??

As a grandparent our grandkids are love just as much by all grandparents.
We both love having the boys over night, as do the parents, and when we all get together there is no division as we get on really well with SIL parents.

Yes, when DD has questions she will ask me, that is a normal mother/daughter relationship, and when SIL has questions he will usually ask his parents.

Never had much to do with my grandparents as they lived to far away.

As others have said, it depends on the person. I can get on very well with my MiL and would hate her to think that because she's the paternal grandmother she doesn't get a look-in. Unfortunately, she favours her granddaughter - she always wanted a girl. Having said that, she doesn't do much with Niece and Nephew because SiL is a bit funny with her and MiL doesn't put herself out. SiL has her mum nearby too. FiL dotes on DS; his favourite is the eldest boy. So that's BiL and Liebs is the eldest grandson, so him too. My Mum dotes on Liebling too, but ignores me when I tell her things. Or overrides me. Or makes me out to be the "bad guy", always saying no. Dad just ignores Liebling.

SO - FiL does a lot with Liebling: we live near PiL. We live further away from my mum, but visit about 4 times a year. For a weekend or a month. Depending on my mother's behaviour, she may be allowed DS on her own. MiL sees DS every week when FiL picks him up to have a playdate and she does get involved. My Dad... if DS doesn't want to watch a train DVD with him, he ignores him.

When I'm a Granny I intend to ring up and ask if I can pop round and see my grandchild(ren). Stuff the fact I'm not DiL's mother. I'm still Granny. I will ask if I can babysit - and I hope I will take no for an answer! I'll give advice too. I know DS: his child is part of him and maybe things DS liked/did will play out in his child(ren). I'll put myself out as much as I can - and intend to have playdates as soon as DiL lets me!

When I have questions, I ask Mum, MiL and my Granny (paternal grandmother) - if I can. Sometimes just one or two of them, and not always my mum. They all have ideas and thoughts, often useful stuff. Why only consult my mother? A lot of the "advice" she tried to force on us was dangerously outdated and against every instinct in my body.

It depends what you mean by treats them differently...like favours them, giving them more presents and spoiling them more often for example? or just have a closer bond? If it's the former than that's unfair I think but the latter could simply be because she spends more time with her daughter's children than her son's as she and her daughter are closer and come over more often etc.

honestly i wish it was the case that mil gets along really well with SIL but its untrue!! They fight like cats and dogs!! I have no idea why she does it all i know that there is no excuse for her behaviour and if she really did feel closer to her kids then ours, it is definitly wrong to let it show especially since the kids notice it as well as us!!!!!! For Example she took sil kids to her christmas party as santa was going to be there and give them gifts etc etc and did not ask our kids to go!!!! We were all at sil house when she went and picked them up!!! My DS asked two years ago if she would go to his kindy so he could show her where he goes as he loved kindy and she NEVER went!!!! Although she goes to sil kids school to watch performances etc whenever tehy ask!!!! I sound like a real whinging old cow but she just gets to me !!! And when the kids see it as well it must be bad!!!!

Thanks for everyone opinions!!!!

LovemyKids, I'm hearing you. My MIL acutally said to me whilst I was pregnant with DS1 that it is different when it is you daughters children. I was gobsmacked. I then made a huge effort to include her in DS1's life, invited her on shopping trips with us for photos, probably did more with her than my own mother trying to make sure she felt included in his life and just cos I was the DIL didn't mean she couldnt' spend time with her grandchild

SIL and I fell pregnant at the same time, was only 4 weeks between due dates, we both had boys about 2 weeks apart. My DS2 has pretty much been left out since the day he was born. My DS1 is still very much spoilt as he is the first grandchild but DS2 doesn't get much attention or gifts at all. I was quite hurt by MIL as I felt I went to great effort to include her and the minute SIL had her child my children and I were left out, they would go shopping together all the time and not once think to invite me. I would see/here all about the things that MIL bought for her child when should would never think of mine. I really found them to be quite rude.

Sometimes I think that I'm being petty, but I honestly wouldn't care if they didn't buy them a thing I would just prefer that they give them their time. My parents live over 2 hours away so they don't see them on a regular basis. Everything I suggest for MIL to do with my kids, e.g take them to the park, to the movies etc she turns around and does with DIL's kids.

Must say I have now reached a point of not going out of my way for her to see them, I just get hurt on behalf of my kids so I figure she can make the effort now and I have noticed that the boys are not nearly as close to her as the were a couple of years ago. Which is sad for them because she could have had a beautiful relationship with them had she put in a bit of effort.