Lost my baby at 12 weeks

I am struggling to process everything so i guess I'll just start from the beginning.

I thought I was "safe" I had such strong pregnancy symptoms, I even had a belly. I started spotting, I still thought I was ok, how could I not be I "felt" pregnant.

Turns out my body was tricking me. I had a blighted ovum. My body was putting all its energy into growing an empty sac - no baby.

My miscarriage was not straighforward so may be TMI for some but here goes.

I had been at the hosptail since 11am it was now 5ish and I was waiting for my 3rd internal ultrasound to confirm the loss of my baby.

After that was done, I started bleeding. A LOT. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for an ob/gyne to sign off on me so I could go home to my little boy. We were sitting with another couple who had just had an early loss and it was nice to connect with them. I had to keep shuffling to the toilet and every time I sat down the blood and clots poured out of me like a tap.

An emergency Dr called me into a little room and asked me how I was and I told him I was bleeding heavily. Next thing I knew I was whisked off to a bed in emergency, gowned up and had a drip in. What was happening, I was meant to be going home to miscarry in peace.

I asked my husband to go and give my number to the girl we met, just wanted her to know I was around if she needed anything.

I was bleeding sooooo much, It was soooo degrading, I was hooked up to so much equipment that I couldn't even change my own "nappies" which I what I was wearing by that stage.

My husband went home to get me a few things. While he was gone I started passing out, god I was scared.

Then the unthinkable happened. I heard a woman being wheeled into emergency, she was breathing funny. I wondered what was wrong with her, and I listened. I listened and I realised she was giving birth, right there in the bed across from me. I listened while she pushed out a screaming baby and was congratulated by all around her.

All I could think was "wow, I must be such an awful mother to be punished like this" It was like I was in hell.

Then my husband returned to my sobbing that I just heard a baby being born, then I passed out again and I almost welcolmed the blackness......

I finally had a D & C at around midnight and things settled down then.

I am feeling kind of philisopical about the loss, but I can't help wondering if the trauma of my hospital experience had left me unable to process my feelings. I feel so cheated that my body tricked me into feeling pregnant for 12 whole weeks - that is not fair. I feel cheated out of the beautiful homebirth that I was planning and I feel sad that my little boy keeps coming up to me and pointing to my belly and saying "bubby in there" I just keep repeating "No sweetheart, bubby was sick and bubby's gone now, no more bubby".

Huge hugs to you.
I had a blighted ovum and lost it at 9 weeks. I felt cheated like you, that I was stupid for thinking I was having a baby when I never was, to this day I usually don't tell people it was a BO because I dont want them to discount it as a baby. To me I was having a baby, for those weeks it WAS a baby no matter what happened in the end.

I am so sorry your experience was so awful, I didn't have to go to hospital with mine but can still remember the incredible grief at the loss.

Take care of yourself hun, we are all here for you.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I am sorry that you had to listen to another woman giving birth while you were loosing your baby.

Hugs to you.

xoxo

:hug: I'm so sorry to hear your news - look after yourself during this difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss :hug:

:hug: i am so so sorry that this has happened.

I must say that you did an amazing job and to offer someone else comfort and your number while your going through that is wonderful.

I could not imagine anything worse than what you would have felt hearing that baby being born, i only hope you find your own way to grieve and get through this.

:hug: i am so sorry for your loss!!
:comfort:

I'm so sorry hun :hug: my thoughts are with you and your family

I am so so sorry for your loss :hug:

And Zarava Flutterby said everthing else I was thinking perfectly.

Oh hun I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

Oh hun, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know it's a terrible time, and it feels awful to question your body, as well as wonder why it has to happen :(. Take it easy, and be kind to yourself :hug:

xoxo

cheekymonkey I'm so sorry for your loss and for the awful experience you had in hospital :hug:

I'm so very sorry for your loss and want to send you big hugs. I was very moved by what you wrote. I hope that you are surrounded by love and gentleness right now. Thinking of you. :hug: :hug:

Thanks for all of your kind replies xox

I'm so so so very sorry for your loss.
:hug:

xox

:hug: I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

Thanks for all of your support. I'm having difficulty understanding why some immediate family members haven't even called or texted us at all. I totally understand that they don't know what to say, but saying nothing has left us feeling very alone and unsupported. I recently had an experience when a friend of mine had suffered a loss while I was pregnant. I knew that being around me or talking to me might have been painful for her, but I couldn't just pretend she didn't exsist, that she didn't matter to me. Every few days I just sent her a text saying "I'm thinking of you, I'm here". How hard is that?

Is my thread in the wrong spot? I was hoping to share experiences with others who had experienced a loss.

You're in the right spot :hug:

We had a loss at 12 weeks too. mrsmac made some great points about not discounting your baby because it was a BO. If it helps you to think of it that way, then do. You'll know the right thing to do.

I was also really upset by how much people avoided us. Some of our friends called DH's parents to see how we were going, but didn't contact us at all, which was doubly upsetting. One particular couple (admittedly, pregnant, 6 wks ahead of us) didn't contact us until 7 months later. It's a great leveller, and you certainly know at the end of it which friends are worthy of keeping.

If you want to share more with others who have experienced a loss, the TTC after loss thread is pretty god, even if you're not TTC - we had to wait 6 months before we could try again, and I still hung out in there anyway.

:hug: I hope you're OK.

Thankyou Audax and Mrsmac for sharing your experiences with me, it means a lot. I had such a lonley weekend that I was desperately reaching out into cyberspace hoping someone would hear me. I have been so dissapointed with people who are meant to "be there" IRL and have watched my husband run around trying to keep on top of the basics while I have been alone to overthink everything. I keep tying myself up in knots and can't help wondering, where are the casseroles???? Why am I always the bringer of support to others and even immediate family could not show me the same? Why is my poor husband running himself ragged trying to keep the day to day stuff going instead of being here with me trying to process what has happened? Oh my beautiful boy, thank goodness for him. I feeling like it should be raining, this Melbourne weather is all wrong. I really don't think I can enter the TTCAML forum, I don't think I fit there, I don't know if I will ever be ready to go there, not sure where I fit really.....

Oh CheekyMonkey, I am so sorry that you are going through this all alone. Sounds like your DH is doing a great job (maybe using up some emotional energy too - I think sometimes men try to keep themselves busy as their own way of grieving). If I didn't live so far away, I would make you a casserole :hug:

Sorry about your loss Cheekymonkey *Hugs*

I was in the same position as you when in hospital waiting for my first D&C.
I was all ready waiting to go into theater when the doctor said I have to 'wait' because there was an emergency c-section! So when I was in recovery waiting to go in, the lady who had just had the caesar came out was saying 'omg I just had a baby girl' and everyone was congratulating her. I just started bawling my eyes out and wished it was me coming out of there instead of her. I just wanted to curl up and vanish right then and there.

I hope your doing ok and you get some more support from the people around you xo

Thanks Apes and Just Me xox The lactation consultant that I had lined up called today, I had to interupt and say, Um, won't be needing you, I lost the baby. I need to think of it as a baby, I feel stupid enough as it is, that my body had me believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had no cause for concern. We went to the park today for some fresh air, DS was drawn to a lady feeding her baby, he just sat right next to her (almost on top of her) talking to her and the baby, he is such a neurturer.....

You lost a baby - even if the baby didn't develop beyond the blastocyst stage, you had a life there that you prepared yourself to welcome. You are letting go of the baby in your heart, even if your body let it go a long time ago.

Much peace to you - I had a blighted ovum at ten weeks that I had no clue about, I didn't even realise I was pregnant. But, I've had a miscarriage before where I've had to "recover" on the post natal ward and that's just cruel.

Whereabouts in Melbourne are you? PM me if you like.

Yes, you're in the right spot, in answer to your earlier question, Cheekymonkey. My first m/c was a blighted ovum while my second was a missed m/c at nearly 12 weeks. I grieved the first and after the second loss, I felt such a failure. It helped coming in here to read the stories of others and then there was a thread, Waiting for AF after M&L which was home for me for the eight weeks I was waiting. I don't think the thread's running anymore but it was a good place to be after a D&C as I didn't feel like jumping into the TTCAML thread straight away.
Fresh air and a walk in the park are great. And your DS sounds like a little darling. Big hugs, Cheekymonkey. Lean on BB for a while. It does help. Much love. :hug: :hug:
Kerry

Thank you cheekyfrog. BBL

Oh your story is so heart breaking. I dont think that any of us could go through that and feel ok. You need to take your time and process the feelings as they come up. I am so sorry that your little man asks you about the baby. That must be very hard, You are a very stronge women!

Take care and again i am sorry that you have had to go through this. I am also sorry for your DH and beautiful son!