The fallout

I though I would take this to a side thread so I could have an outlet for my thoughts and not bring the tone of our parenting thread down. I need the *normal* in the parenting thread to remind me that life continues on and there is a world outside of this hell I am living in.

How do you deal with the fallout post the loss of your husband? The one who was your support, your partner, your lover, your friend? And how do you make sure the little people get what they need when you don't feel like you can give them anything at all?

I know it is not even 2 weeks since Greg died. I know this will take time (I believe it will take a lifetime and even then I will still feel the pain :(). But right now, I don't feel like I can do this solo parenting role and grieve at the same time.

My babies need me. They need me so very much right now. DS (not quite 3) is waking from sleep and sobbing for Daddy. He cries for Daddy when he gets into trouble. He has his dummy more often because (in his words) "I am grumpy, I miss Daddy". DD (nearly 16m) has been in a right mood, walking around the house and calling out for Daddy. She just can't say what she feels but she knows he is gone.

And me - here I am trying to grow our last baby together, trying to keep the babies together and trying to find some time to grieve. And I feel so very alone :( I have support. I have my parents here ATM. I will send them home next weekend so that we can start to find our new normal but I will still be surrounded by support. Yet, I am without the only person I really want or need. And I will be without him forever.

It still feels like a bad dream. It still feels like I could wake up and everything will be ok. But it isn't. It is real. I have seen the physical evidence. I was there when it happened. I buried him last week.

How can I be the parent I want and need to be when I never planned to do this alone? I was to share the rest of my life with this man that I took so long to find. We had already been through so much together. Why me? What did I do to be given this path?

I have people telling me how strong I am. That I am so brave. It is all a front. I have cried a lifetime of tears and continue to cry multiple times every day. Yes, I did a eulogy with composure and managed the funeral with composure but I sobbed through my practice run sitting next to Greg as I said goodbye to his physical body and I sobbed that evening when the exhaustion hit me and the loss of my entire life was in my face.

I need to get these things out of my head so that I can continue to function - because I am barely functioning. I need to be everything to these babies and make sure they don't suffer for something beyond the control of all of us. But we are suffering. And we will continue to suffer for many, many years to come.

There is no real purpose to this post. Very few people have to walk this path (thank goodness!!!!) But we are, and I need to let it out somewhere without someone telling me it will be ok. It may be - but it isn't today and it won't be tomorrow.

Michelle :comfort:

I will never tell you it will be OK. It won't ever be the 'ok' it was :( I think about you all the time, every day. When I am struggling with my three, I think of you and I wonder how you will do it without the one person you need, my heart in my throat for you. I don't know the answers, I don't have any. But I want you to know that I am here, we are all here. We can't do anything to change it, to make it better, but we can listen. And we can drink coffee with you and eat chocolate with you. And we can bring our children to play with your children so that for just a few hours, things might seem 'normal' for them. We can do that for you, any time you want us to.

I am giving you some space to spend the time you need with those closest to you but know that I am here and you are constantly in my thoughts :hug:

Michelle,

I'm not going to try and say I understand, because I don't. I know what it is to love someone with all your heart and I would be devistated if this link was broken.

I know it will get better because I have seen others go through it - other members of my family and friends that have lost their partners and carried on. It was not easy, but they did it.

I am probably no help at all - all I can say is that I believe that you will get through this and find your new type of normal.

Huge hugs:hug:

Sigh :( Hugs

:comfort: Michelle I don't know what to say to you to comfort you at all :cry: I don't think there could be anything that would make it better. I am devastated for you as I am sure your family and IRL friends are too. I do know that you are never alone on BB :hug: we are all here to love and support you.

I couldn't read your post and not reply :(

I have nothing of worth to say and unless we go through it, none of us will ever know how you are truly feeling :( ....just take one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time and know that you will have the support of family and friends (and the lovely ladies of BB) around you when you feel it is all getting too much....

take care (as best you can) of yourself and your beautiful babies :hug:

:comfort:
Michelle hon..no words any of us say will be of any help. Just please know that we are here for you at anytime for anything.

I have no words Michelle, just so many :hug:

Ohhh, hun. It's all so hard.

I can't give you any advice because I think you're already doing a better job than anything I could suggest. All I have to say is to do what feels right. If you need to cry, cry. (I am, right now!) If you find yourself laughing, well, laugh for as long as it feels good (and don't feel guilty. Feel strong)

Just because he's not physically by your side won't change your ability to be a great parent. It will just change the way you do it a little bit.

I really admire you for embracing the concept of finding your new normal. I think that's a great step to take.

:hug: :hug: to you.

Michelle,

I really dont have the words to help you, have you contact with cougar on our boards? she lost her husband last year and she may be able to help you in ways people who havent gone though what you have can

thinking of you and your family

xox

:hug: I wish there was something more we could do, it's not fair that your DH was taken from you and your children, but I'm sure he is watching over you and will give you the strength you need to make it through. Just take it day by day and give yourself as much as you need.

You know we are all here for you on BB whenever you need us. xxx :hug:

Michelle, there is nothing anyone can say that will make things any easier for you. the path you have to walk now is yours alone, and i'm sure i'm not alone is saying that my heart is breaking for you. you have the support of so many people here on BB, and i'm sure so many IRL. it will take time for your heart to heal even a little, time to find your new "normal" and time for you and your children to adapt - and we are all here for you.

take care,

BG

Hugs hun I couldn't read and not reply, my heart is breaking for you there is nothing I can say to take away your pain, but know that we are all here for you to support you and your darling children.

xoxo

Michelle, I couldn't read and not reply. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. There is nothing anyone can ever say to make it better for you. So many :hug: for you at this sad time. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.. :(

I'm so sorry, I have no words. Just a :hug:
I wish you and your family all the strength in the world to get through each day.

:comfort: michelle i have hugs for you :hug: i cant offer any words of wisdom, im sorry :cry:

Michelle: you know what, it's ok for you to be sad infront of the kids, it's ok to show them that you miss Daddy. It's ok to feel that you can't do it all. There are no rules for this. There is no way you can possibly know what today, tomorrow even right now might bring. You are in the intense raw phase of grief. It must hurt, not just emotionally, but physically hurt. I know it's different but when I lost Harry I physically yearned for him, my arms ached to hold him. Allow that hurt to come. It won't consume you, I know you are a tough cookie and I know that you will rise above the pain with time.

Give youself time to immerse yourself in this grief. I think that is healthy. Once the kids are in bed have a bath and just purge the pain of the day. Sob, pray, meditate do whatever it is you need to get up and carry on tomorrow.

I'm not going to tell you it will be ok for right now it isn't bloody ok, it's bloody terrible. What I will say is that those little people are the reason you will get through this. They will give you all the strength you could ever need.

With all my love
Spring

michelle, im so sorry huni, i have no advice just massive hugs. you and your family are in my thoughts daily. lots of love xox

I have no words Michelle... but I want to give you a great big hug. :comfort:
You & your family have been in my thoughts constantly.

Michelle, sweet love... my heart aches for you and your darling little ones. I don't know what to say, except to offer you my support through this incredibly difficult time. I'm glad you have lots of support around you as you tread this dark, frightening path, and the other girls are right in saying that there are no 'rules' here for how you should be thinking or feeling, and I'm sure it's absolutely normal for you to feel so overwhelmed right now, trying to deal with day-to-day life on top of your own grief and handling your children's grief :(
Have you been in contact with a counsellor or crisis support personnel who can offer you some advice or shoulders to cry on when you're not coping? I'm sure you can find someone near you who will be happy to take the kids for a while so you can go and talk to a professional and break down 'in private' so as not to let the kids see, kwim?

I'm so, so very sorry for your loss, Michelle. Nobody should ever have to go through this. Please let yourself feel the emotions you need to, don't bottle this all up. We are all thinking of you and the kids.
xox

My father passed away when i was 4 years old and my mum brought up my brother and myself.

i remember my mum crying and telling me it was her tooth and the dentist called (it was really the call to tell her what had happened to my dad)

I really dont know why i am writing this, or even what words i can offer.....................

I am so sorry. xx

Michelle my dad died when I was 9 and I was an only child, so my mother was in a different situation to you in many ways. But she was young - 36 - and like you never planned to do it on her own. Dad died of lung cancer after 10 months and she was his primary carer. She just functioned, kept going, stayed alive - for my sake alone. That's it - she just did. I have spoken to her about it (it's now been over 25 years) and I can still see the pain and I know there are parts if her where it feels like yesterday. I don't think she would have nay advice other than to say you just do it.

I can give you the perspective of a child who has been parented through grief. It isn't easy or nice and your kids will have a lot to go through and that is something which you can't avoid but equally should not feel guilty about. But if you love them, which you obviously will and do, you will be able to continue to give them what they need the most, which is parents who love them. Because no matter the mistakes you make through your grief your love will let your kids know that they matter, they are important, and that they have a mum who lives for them and had a dad who adored them.

I am not going to kid you that it's nice to lose a parent (I am sitting here crying as I type) but I at least know I had a father who loved me, which many people don't get. And the reason I know that is because my my stayed alive to show me his love and kept going under conditions which I can't begin to imagine and don't ever want to know. She made mistakes, didn't do a "perfect" job (no mother does) but by God she did the best she could and 99% of that was just by being there for me. She wrote me a letter explaining how she felt when he died, and I know the only thing that kept her from joining him was me. And that is a powerful love to feel, especially now I am a mother myself.

Oh Michelle it is truly one of the worst things ever. I am so so sorry this has happened to you.
It may feel too soon to see someone professional yourself but when/if you feel ready I hope you get something out of it. I have really benefited from it with the losses in my life. But it has to be up to you.
As far as the children go... My mother died when I was 4 and my father apparently was very aware of the effect it was having on me so I was taken to a professional counsellor who dealt with children. I know that I was older than your little ones but I'm sure it helped me cope with what had happened and knowing how special I was to her was always a comfort. I can only imagine what it would be like, I was so young with my mother and have lost my brother (who left a 3 year old son behind) but losing your partner is too sad for words.

I truly believe Greg will be by your side forever and his spririt lives on in your babies.

Michelle, Hugs, my thoughts are ith you and your family

:hug: xx

Michelle, I just read your post and had to reply. There just so much to say, and I can only talk from my own experience and journey, some of it will be the same or similar to yours, but a lot of it will be differene too. I'm so glad you have good support around you - I didn't have this, and I lived a long way from family too. This was a blessing and a curse - and I've never ever been someone who could ask for help or tell people what I need. So, I think I made the journey more difficult than it needed (re. not asking for help). Because not asking for help, meant I stayed completely focussed on my 2 children (aged 2 and 4) and finishing DH's cd's - I avoided grieving (yes I cried a river every day, but I didn't allow myself TIME, real TIME to grieve hard) - I was in shock and followed that up with auto-pilot. BUT I could only keep up this pace for 12 months, after that I absolutely crashed, hit the wall - looking back, I think I could have had a breakdown of sorts. I got extremely physically ill, so much so I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks - and I howled, honestly the sound of which I didn't know I could produce - I was finally in the bottom of the pit and it took me 12 months to get there. I don't know if this pit is a place we all must go after the tragedy of loosing a husband - I hate to think you will have to go there, but there are a couple of upsides at the end of it. One of which is once you hit rock-bottom, there's only one place to go - UP.... and slow as it was, I started on the journey UP.

My advice for the moment is to ACCEPT ALL HELP, ask for it even if you are not used to asking for it. And the most important of all - is get the kind of help that enables you to be alone, to grieve for Greg, to have that time when you are allowed to indulge your pain without caring for the children - I had so little of this time, but I seriously think it will help you a lot if you can (and I know how hard this is going to be with a new babe coming soon, but try at least for the next couple of months).

Your babies are naturally grieving for their Daddy in their own ways - children are very resilient too - so try and surround them with some good men and supporting folk, people you can trust and leave them with. DO NOT go down the guilt road, that you are not doing enough for them - right now you are all in survival mode - and you are No. 1 priority. Your babes are clean, fed and very loved, they know this, and for now thats enough hon.

I'm 8 years down that long winding road - and for me the the hardest and sadest part has been for my children. They had a fantastic, fun, intelligent, talented Dad who lived for them. They lost that - and nothing I can do will ever replace that loss. I'm so sorry your babies lost their Daddy, who was a wonderful man. The best you can do is to talk about him to them often, tell your stories. Not a day goes by when I don't mention something about my DH to the children - even if it's a song on the radio he would have liked - I tell them "your Dad loved this song" etc. In fact my DD12 said the other day when I mentioned such a song on the radio "mum, even though Dad liked it, I don't, it sucks" - I laughed and said thats okay, he wouldn't mind. So it's in these little interactions that your babes Daddy can live on and his children can get to know him in a different way. It truly does suck that it has to be this way now, but all you can do is work with what you have left. You will raise those children in the way you both wanted, and you will do it for him as well.

I've probably said enough for tonight. I know you are intelligent woman, and you are smart enough to see how long and winding the road is before you - sweety try not to look too far ahead right now - set yourself very small goals, even just a daily goal (even if that is to get out of bed and have a shower, go for a walk in the sunshine, read O a few extra books) really small goals - the future is uncertain still, so just focus on the present.

Take care, and I'll talk again to you soon.

Love Lee xoxoxo

:

---

Michelle,

I'm not going to try and say I understand, because I don't. I know what it is to love someone with all your heart and I would be devistated if this link was broken.

I know it will get better because I have seen others go through it - other members of my family and friends that have lost their partners and carried on. It was not easy, but they did it.

I am probably no help at all - all I can say is that I believe that you will get through this and find your new type of normal.

Huge hugs:hug:

---

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs. :comfort: You have lots of love around here that you know you'll get all the support you need :hug:

Michelle, :comfort:

Huge :hug: Michelle. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your babies :hug: :hug:

Michelle my love I want to write to you from my heart in here. Right now I have 2 nine year old boys, a dog, a cat & Immy in my room... :wall: But I just want to reach out & let you know I'll be back tomorrow. :hug:

Michelle, :hug: I don't know what to say except please remember we are all with you and here for you whenever you need us.

Just lots and lots of :comfort::comfort::comfort::comfort::comfort:
No words will help ease your grief, which I cannot even begin to fathom, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
We are here for you whenever you need us.

I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now. If your babies are upset and want to cry, hold them close and cry with them if you need to. There is no right or wrong, please don't feel guilty. :hug:

I'm so sorry :hug:

:( *big hugs* from me too. I can't even fathom what you're going through. I agree with the others tho, there's no right & wrong here, it is still all so raw for all of you. It is ok to let the little ones comfort you too. You all need lots and lots of hugs and you all need to cry those tears.

I'm so so sorry this has happened :(

:comfort:

Michelle - im so very sorry this has happened to you and your family :hug:... My heart is breaking for you :(
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers :hug: :hug:

xox

Much love and hugs to you Michelle. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your precious children x

Michelle like many girls have said there are no words anyone can say to help..
I hope you can find some comfort in writing in BB and know that everyone is here when you are ready.
:hug::hug:

Wow, Your post really got to me...
I cant even begin to imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through right now. You may not feel like you are being 'strong' BUT you are still there for your children, they are still getting the care they need and most importantly you are still nurturing your little bubba inside you. Even if you are only 'just' being able to do it, it still a lot more than some people would be able to handle right now.
I will also agree with the other ladies, there are NO rules..
If you need to break down and cry - do it.
If you need to scream - do it.
If you just need to sleep - do it.

Please try not to bottle things up and put on a 'front' as you mentioned. People need to know your not ok!! It will give everyone a chance to help you out and also help you through this extremly difficult time.
My thoughts are with you :hug: