I'm so ashamed of myself

I am so ashamed of myself.

Two nights ago DS started getting a cold overnight, and as a result he was up every 10 minutes (or less) before we decided to give him panadol around 11pm. I finally got DS back to sleep around midnight and I went to bed bed and got about 4 hours sleep before he woke and did the same thing again. I got maybe an extra hour later that morning when DH got up.
Yesterday was a long busy day being Mother's Day. In the evening I had my mum and sister over to watch a movie. DS slept right through the evening, but woke when I went to go to bed (about 11.30). I slept for maybe half an hour before DS woke up. I went into him and fed him and rocked him. I got him down around 1am and went back to bed only to have him wake again 10 minutes later. I went back in and repeated the process: feed, rocking... but this time he wouldn't let me put him down. He was fine while I rocked him but as soon as I'd put him down he'd wake up crying. Fair enough, he has a cold and was feeling a bit miserable. But after the who-knows-what-number-time I'd tried putting him down I just lost it. I yelled out in frustration while holding him and shouted "just go to sleep" and "I just want to sleep" over and over, which of course made DS cry even more than he already was. Then I flicked the light on and sat down on the bed again still holding DS and crying.

I had woken DH, and he came in and took DS off me, but since I'm the one who always does (and always has) settled DS, DS didn't like it and just wanted to come straight back to me.

I just feel so ashamed. Sure I was tired, but I shouldn't ever take it out on DS like that :(. I really hate myself for doing that. It's not his fault he has a cold and was needing extra mummy cuddles to get through the night.

Thanks for reading. No advice needed really - I just needed to get this out. I know what I did was wrong, and I don't want to do it ever again :(.

:hug: we have all been there and done that... Being tired makes it so hard and so easy to snap... Forgive yourself. :hug:

hugs to you, its so hard when they are sick and your SO tired, belive me, im sure we have all had our moments!!! Can you bring him into bed with you for a few nights while hes sick, so he can have his mummy cuddles and you can snooze?? hope hes on the mend soon. hugs hugs hugs

Hi Sterla, hugs to you, dont be ashamed of yourself, sleep deprivation does the worst things to people and being a mum is the hardest job in the world. I have recently been through a hard time with my DD and I didnt just yell at her I smacked her and pushed her, I was getting an hour sleep at a time, or nothing at all and she was being a handful all day long to the point where I was a sobbing mess on the floor. I know how you are feeling because I felt terrible too, but dont beat yourself up about it, you are doing such a great job and you should be proud of yourself.
I dont really have much more to say just thought I would offer a hug.

:comfort: try not to be too hard on yourself...Ive had moments like that before, im sure lots of tired mums do :hug:

Oh sterla, I've got tears in my eyes for you, I know exactly what you are going through... been there, done that... and I cried and hated myself for it too.

:hug:

Try not to beat yourself up... though I know that's easier said than done...

I would be lying if I said I have never done what you've done :hug: It scares the daylights out of you to know that you can get so angry at a situation you know isn't anyone's fault, but when you are surviving on such little sleep it is so easy to snap even though you know you would never intentionally do anything like that. Please don't feel bad because you know that it was a once off and that you never intended to hurt of frighten him :hug:

:grouphug: Thanks for your replies.

I just don't understand why I snapped last night. When DS was 10-11 months he went through a crappy, crappy period of sleep. He was up every 2-3 hours every night for well over a month, and he was also difficult to get back down each time he woke. I had a few moments where I cried, but I never snapped at him like that. Now that he's sleeping better usually I'm finding it harder to deal when he doesn't :(.

It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who has been through it. I don't feel like quite as much of a monster.

:hug: sleep deprivation does horrible things to us. It's ok to feel bad about it, that's what makes you a good mum ;) but you don't need to hold onto it. Get it off your chest, forgive yourself & move on. I hope you get some sleep soon :hug:

oh hun!!!sleep is such an evil thing. its especially bad when we're so used to our LO's sleeping right through!!!
when DD1 was a bubba i actually bit her i was that frustrated!! dont ask me why but thats what i did! pmsl.
You're not a bad mummy and dont feel guilty hun, ur human, it happens and it'll happen again. its sucky but everyone gets over it!
DS wont remember the night when he was 1 and his mummy cut sick at him!!
Hope u and him are feeling much better today
xxxx

:hug: mate, it comes with empathy and total understanding.

:hug: Forgive yourself hun. I doubt there are many mummies who haven't done something similar (me :(). You know it's not good, but there really are strong mitigating circumstances here. It was the same for me - I handled it ok for the first 12 months or so... then... oh dear. I've lost it a few times. The last time I yelled at DS was just a week or so ago (he had a cold too! oh that makes it worse I know) and after he'd calmed down he snuggled up to me and said "mum told me off". :crying:
But we have to let these things go and move on. He won't be permanently scarred by ocasional slip-ups, I'm sure of that.

:hug: ive had a crap one too, so heres a hug for all of us :grouphug:

:hug: i'm welling up cos i'm having one of those days...okay, it's been a few days now...as well. you can't help but feel awful but geez it's tough. be kind to yourself cos you're doing a fab job, your DS knows how much his mummy loves him

Sweety, there's not many mums out there who can say they've never done that. I've sworn at DS once, I felt so awful and ashamed afterwards, but sleep deprivation is an awful, awful thing to go through. :hug: for you, you're a fantastic mum and don't ever forget it!

Oh Sterla - Hugs babe. Been there are done that!
DD seems to wake at 1 am evey night now and will not for the life of me go back to sleep in her cot. So I have been sleeping in the spare room in spare bed with her - its the only way we both get back to sleep.
Hugs babe abd know you are not alone!
Kate xox

:grouphug:

Thank you for all your replies, it means so much :hug:.

:hug: Ditto everyone else. Ive been there many a time. I hope your Ds starts to feel better soon, its so hard when they are sick and dont know what they want or how you can help them.

:hug::hug::hug: Been there too, like everyone else has said sleep deprivation is horrible:hug::hug::hug:

Aww :hugs: hun i could have written almost this exact same thing a few days ago.
Both my girls are teething and DD2 has been a nightmare to get to sleep, i have been trying to get her to sleep in our room as i want her used to sleeping in a quiet room.
So DD1 follows me everywhere, SISTER, ZARA... MUM, MUM, MUM then right as i finally get DD2 to sleeo after 45min DD1 comes in SCREAMING and LAUGHING MUM, MUM, MUM and pats DD1 on the head...

I LOST IT. plopped DD2 on the bed, grabbed DD1 and SCREAMED at her, get out, get out, get out... stormed her to the lunge forced her into the corner of the couch and yelled again not to move until i tell her. :o
I was so ashamed of myself, i went and sat with DD2 until i got her to sleep and then went out and cuddled DD1 for about 15min while we both sobbed.. i have NEVER done anything like that before and highly doubt i will again... i was so so upset.
Although DD1 didn't move from that couch until i come got her... shame she doesn't listen so well all the time.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, even the most perfect of people will do it at some stage, hope your DS is better soon and your back to getting some sleep.

:hug:'s I've had a few moments like that and no doubt there'll be many more. It does make you feel awful, but your DS wont remember, let alone be scarred by it.
Be kind to yourself, sleep deprivation does horrible things to the best of us. You are not a bad mummy, a "bad mummy" wouldn't care.

Geeeeeeeeeee I have been there! Makes you a good mummy for feeling bad about it though;) Shows your emotions just got the better of you. We're only human hun;)

As a parent to TWO terrible sleepers who both like to be held, I have definitely been there.

DH and I play tag team, when one of us has reached that point the other will come in and take over, until we calm down or bubs is asleep. It is frustration and sleep deprivation.

I can fully understand what leads some people to become abusive towards their children, I don't condone it, but I certainly understand the impulse - that is something I honestly never really 'got' until after I became a mother myself.

Well, I'm proud of what you did. I'm proud of me for screaming at DS when he doesn't sleep. Why am I proud? Because all I did was scream. I was brought up with physical punishment and for me to just shout and not hurt my son; that's an achievement. When a person is sleep deprived they often lose their temper and just shouting is wonderful. You can apologise for it and explain why it happened, but you still kept some self-control. Well done.

I was much less accepting of DD waking as a toddler when I'd had a good period of sleep. :hug: I even have to remind myself now that DD is only four and I shouldn't expect to much of her when I start to get frustrated. You'd be the odd one out if you never yelled at him!

:hug: Oh hun it is so scary isnt......Sleep deprivation is shocking and I remember it well big hugs and understanding your way xxx

Big hugs honey. Sleep deprivation is torture and I too have raised my voice at DD2 and told her to go to sleep.

I agree with everyone else that we have all been there. But whenever I have done it, I apologise to DS once I have calmed down and explain to him why I was upset and what I could have done differently. I want him to understand that I am just human, motivated by emotion, and can't be perfect. And I tell him that every when I am angry I still love him.
Big hugs to you. Sleep deprivation is such a killer and really can bring you to the edge. xo

Thanks again for all your replies. It's good to know you're not alone - especially with something like this where no one I know IRL would ever admit to doing something like that.

I was much better last night. I only got 3 hours sleep, as DS woke up at 11pm when I went to bed and didn't go back to sleep till a little after 3am. It sucked, but I remained calm the whole time, didn't yell once, didn't even feel the need to.

Gee I hope DS starts to sleep for me again soon though.

:hug: :hug: :hug: