Are we doing it wrong or are our friends just being idiots!!! need some advice

We are getting married in august in a tiny chaple a friend built on thier private property, its amazingly beautiful and once we had seen it we couldnt imagine getting married any where else! but it only holds 20 people se we decided that we would just have our close family at the ceremony and everyone else to the reception.
alot of our guests are from nsw or further. (we are in qld) my closest friend in aus is the wife on one of DPs friends and i wanted her daughter to be a flower girl with my DD. I looked after her DD alot when we lived in sydney and am close her and her DD
I just got a message from one of DPs friends complaining....im going to post the message so i dont have to explain....

hmm.. to be honest I find it a little strange and actually kind of stupid that we would come all the way, hire a house and bring the kids just to go to a party... the whole point is the ceremony and seeing your friends tie the knot ,the party is secondary really.
DD has been asking about it for so long and she could not understand that we don't get to see you get married, then she hears friends DD is a flower girl... ?
Personally I aint fussed as it does not surprise me as Sam has always done things a little askew.
I also don't get what is so lucky about a church full... of no friends... hello..? Sorry except the *removed name(friends)* family.
I think you should have gathered by now from other peoples reaction that it is definitely weird.

Im upset and angry but i wanted to get others opinions before i say anything to him. im not sure what to think now. i was so excited about the wedding now i just feel like im an idiot and im doing it all wrong and i need to explain our choices to these people, who havent really been the best firends to us over the last year any way. and it sounds like other people have been commenting on it and i just feel so stupid! :( :( :( :(

Err. Is this how you want to do your wedding? YOUR wedding? :lol: (okay that is coming across wrong but suddenly by brain switched off. It's weird. It's just stopped working. I'm just laughing because it's your wedding so you do what you want, I'm not making fun of you. You know...it probably would have just been easier to delete this first sentence...but what if you've already read it...so I can't...I might go to bed...)

I do understand that they might find it weird to not go to the actual wedding but come to a reception - but they should respect that it's your choice. If they can't see the point in that and decide not to come, then that's their choice and the ball's in their court on that one. But you get married how YOU want to.

Alot of people prefer to have just family at the ceremony, then all friends at the reception.
I guess I'd say that if they don't see the point in coming all that way just for a party, then don't come! Its your wedding & your choice. it has nothing to do with them how you do it. To me it sounds perfect :)

You know, my personal philosophy is that I'd prefer to be or have people at the ceremony rather than the reception. But there's the thing - that's me, and how I carry on my weddings, and that's totally my business. Regardless of your "friend's" feelings, that message was breathtakingly rude and inappropriate. I think I'd be politely rescinding their invitation. "Thanks for that - I've taken that as a regret, and crossed you off the list. Have a nice life."

While I can appreciate what they are trying to say, I find that message just rude! We have close friends who were married in the celebrants lovely yard with only the brides brother and grooms sister as witnesses and they had lunch at a restaurant for all their friends and family to celebrate and we thought the whole thing was just wonderful.

Seriously, do it your way and remember it is all about you and your future husband - don't do it for anybody else! My husband and I went to Scotland to get married and had 8 friends there to celebrate and it was the best day of my life. Not to put a spanner in the works, but is it possible to have people outside the church where they can hear the ceremony and see you walk in and out together? A little chapel built on a friends property sounds like a perfect place to get married.

All the best x

Agree with everyone else so far. YOUR wedding, YOUR decision as to who attends what. If your friend doesn't like it, too bad - and seriously, what's all this nonsense about her DD being disappointed that she's not going to be flowergirl? If you'd asked her to be flowergirl and then taken the invitation back, sure, I might be a bit offended, but if you never offered to begin with (or, I assume, it was a tentative 'depending on x, y and z', and it ends up being that she can't be FG), that's HER problem to deal with for putting ideas in her daughter's head to begin with!

Don't let it get to you, honey. If you back down for their sake and hold your wedding ceremony somewhere you don't absolutely love, you'll regret it. And I'm sure they will regret their pettiness if they refuse to attend your reception for the sake of making a point. Do things your way, hun - it's your special day, and we all do it differently. Whatever works for you :)

it had NEVER been mentioned that his daughter would be flower girl. i was never going to have any other flower girl other than DD but when i saw how good my friends DD was with my DD i thought i would be great if she could help my DD be flower girl, as she will only just be 2 and this other girl is 5.
I just replied and said 'at the end of the day we invited you to share our day, if you think its stupid or wierd thats a shame, but we want you there cause we love you and your family' what i wanted to say was 'well eff you then, stay at home with you misserable wife, see if i care'' but i held back!! :)
Its a shame that hes being so off about it. he actually said, 'i dont care is if its just family, at the end of the day you should have got a bigger church'
grrrrrrrrrr

I thought the message they sent you was really quite rude. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are suggesting either. It's your day!

Mmm. What does your partner think? I think you've been incredibly gracious in your reply.

I'd tell that person to go jump! "at the end of the day you should have gotten a bigger church" pffft who the heck does this person think he is? God? Your own personal wedding planner? I wouldn't worry about him or what he's said, he's clearly not nice. Who tries to make someone feel bad about their wedding plans, seriously! Even if he felt a bit hurt over it, the day isn't about him so the proper thing to do is suck it up and be happy for you on your special day. If he was a friend, that is. But it sounds like he's not.

Hun, have your wedding how you want it - It's YOUR day and don't let anyone else say otherwise!

I agree with everyone else. It's your wedding so you get to do what you want. And the reception is not just a party, it's a celebration. If this person isn't happy to share in the celebration then he isn't much of a friend.

thanks so much everyone for your comments. he hasnt been a very good friend over the past year or so to DP anyay . and generally stuff is all about him most the time anyway. Hannah: thats exactly what i said . its not a party it a celebration.
i think Hes just bent out of shape cause this one couple is invited and he isnt. very childish really. if he carries on after the last message i sent then DP is going to send him a message just saying "we recieved your RSVP, its a shame you cant make it to our special day, see you soon" and that will be that. dont really want him there now anyway, i think he will just be judging the day and *****ing to people about it. thanks again all !!!!!!

OMG I can't believe someone would be so rude! The nerve! It's your wedding and none of their business if you want a small ceremony. They should be happy they were invited at all. Your reply was VERY diplomatic, good on you for not stooping to his level. I hope your wedding day is wonderful.

Wow - that is just SO rude! I would never give any unsolicited advice or opinions on how anyone should go about their wedding because that is what it is - THEIR wedding, NOT mine! I have been to a number of weddings where I have not been to the church but have been to the reception and the other way, where I have been to the church and not the reception. I think the ceremony is the most personal aspect of your wedding and you need to do whatever you feel suits you both best - FWIW I think your wedding sounds lovely.

Wow i agree with everyone else! That is soo damn rude!
I liked your reply you "wanted" to send :-P

It's your day, your decision, do hat YOU awnt :-)

WOW! I cant believe he has the nerve to tell you YOUR wedding is going to be "weird" at the end of the day its between you and your DH who you want to be in the church. He has no right to expect anything. You have asked him to come celebrate the uniting as 1 not just a anyday hooohaa party!
If he doesnt like that then tuff luck tell him his not wanted.
Please dont even consider changing the venue.

I think your wedding sounds lovely- dont let this "friend" bring it down!

i think what you are going ot do sounds perfect. if this so and so doesnt like it then tell him to jump. it is your day do wat you want. weddings always turn into wat everyone else wants so just stand your ground so you have your perfect day.

I agree that is really rude and selfish on his behalf. Just to make you feel better re your wedding plans. My BIL & SIL did exactly what you are planning. They married on the family property in the woolshed, the only people who witnessed the ceremony was immediate family and a couple of their very very close friends. We then went to a hall and again just these people had a meal and they had some speeches. Then at 8.00pm the rest of the guests arrived, they had finger food, a band, did the bridal waltz then and also had some more speeches and cutting of the cake.
It worked for them, it was what they wanted, they didn't want to stand up in from of 100 people and say their vows, and I think people resepcted their choice. The rest of the guests still got to see them in their wedding clothes and help them celebrate.
Good Luck I hope the rest of your plans run smoothly

If it were me I'd be telling them straight off to get stuffed lol, that's just rude. Geez, I'd hate to hear what they would say if you were to run away and get married somewhere, then have a party back home with family and friends to show them the video of you getting married.
Like everyone has said, it's your wedding, not theirs. Besides, there is no book saying exactly how you "have" to have a wedding.

My DH and I eloped. You shouldn't be questioned on your choices for your wedding, or have to justify it to anyone. IMO, it sounds lovely.

Your "friend" sounds like a wenker.

Good luck with the plans - I hope this guy doesn't upset you any further.

When it comes to weddings so many people have varying opinions and it wouldn't be difficult not to offend someone or have someone find something 'weird'. BUT at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding. Do what you want do not organise your wedding to please everyone else.

Your friend is entitled to his opinion but how dare he make you feel so sad and intimidated about a day that is supposed to be so special to you and your partner. I'm sorry you received such a message. It seems all he wanted to do was insult you and your decisions rather than really explain how upset he was that he couldn't be there.

As you have i would reply that they were invited to your wedding because you'd truely love them to be there. It's as simple as that. If they aren't happy with it then do not come.

Not that i am saying you need to change things in any way but is it possible to do the big screen and record the ceremony for people to watch as it happens or after?

Good luck for the rest of the preperation and make sure you continue to focus on making your wedding day special to the both of you oxoxox

in my personal opinion, wedding vows are so intimate that I would feel weird watching them if I was not particularly close to the bride or groom. Your wedding sounds beautiful and I wish you every happiness on your special day and beyond. Ignore this muppet if he finds it weird.

I agree he is rude and selfish and to drag his dd into just to make you feel bad! It's a pet hate of mine when people do that, trying to make you say he can come too is not on. I would want to tell him where to go too! Weddings bring out the worst in people and that is what turns the bride into bridezilla when family or friends give you a hard time over what you want to do. I love the idea, you get the best of both worlds. If your friend is like that then he's probably better off staying at home. Have a beautiful wedding day!

I think it is totally up to you to decide what you want for you wedding. I am still flabberghasted that people think they have the right to tell you that they don't like your choices (even if they feel that way, why do they think they get to tell you?). We went through this at work recently, one girl made a huge deal about not being invited over certain other people to someones wedding - and actually told her to her face that she should be invited before xyz. Just wrong.

I think your response was pretty perfect actually, and very gracious.

How incredibly rude of him!!! I wouldnt want him there either after that response, it really is none of his business how you and your DP choose where to marry!

Wow! What a rude message. Your reply was much more controlled that what I could have done!! LOL
I agree with everyone else... YOUR WEDDING, YOUR DECISION!
I hope your day is what you hope for. xxx

so its still going on from yesterday, still sending messages. i tried to ring him but he didnt answer, so just emails so far. He finally sent a message that explained that he just really wanted to be there to witness the vows as he has been friends with DP for a long time. but he also said i had created an A and B list and he was annoyed that he was on the B list. child!!!
Anyway, to keep the peace we have said that he and his family can come to the chapel, i just cant deal with him being ****ty the whole reception and for the next 20 years if we dont have them there. but im just waiting for the next message from the next friend asking how come x and y are going the chapel and they arnt...
I really dislike his wife but they come as a package so the way i have have come to peace with it in my head is, they have a terrible relationship/marriage, unfaithfull, almost divorced a few years ago, im sure they hate each other and just stay together for the kids, so if they are so desperate to come to the ceremony and see what a real, loving, trusting relationship is, im more than happy to show them. and when im stressing about them being there, judging, il just remind myself of that! :)
thanks again all!!!!!! you ladies rock :)

Yep. My first thought was "oooooo, sounds like someone's jealous of those who were invited" And of the flowergirl! Child. For sure!

Scroo them. "Weird" weddings are the best - everyone thought ours sounded werid, then everyone ended up loving it, and I went to an awesome one in a cinema that I thought would be weird, but it was ace. Do what you want. Please don't let anyone boss you around.

Your wedding sounds wonderful. I hope it all goes well for you.

Your wedding sweetie so stick to your guns! The ceremony is a personal thing that you share with those that are close to you as a couple and have an important part in your life
I admit it is a little different to invite everyone to the reception and not the ceremony, as the reception is the expensive part... however if the chapel can only hold so many people then you don't want people complaining they can't fit. Plus, they are still getting an invitation to celebrate with you so it isn't like you have left them out all together (although maybe you wish you had :dunno:)
Honestly, they would probably have been more p155ed off if you'd invited them to the ceremony and not the reception afterward... some people just can't be pleased

I am astounded that someone (being a 'friend') would be calling your proposed wedding day 'weird'. That just seems so selfish and rude. I figure she is upset at not being able to see you get married....?

I hope she comes to respect you and your DF's plans really soon - it'd be a shame to upset the apple cart on one of the most important days in your life - which is, all about love.

OMG, how totally rude of your friends! I would never tell someone how to have their own wedding... that is a totally personal thing and it comes down the the couples wants. Surely they can see that they would be going their to celebrate the fact that you & your DH made the commitment of marriage to each other - who cares if they weren't there to witness it!

FWIW, my Aunt & Uncle had only their parents & siblings attend their reception but everyone attended their ceremony. That is what worked for them and everyone understood too.

I am sure your day will be perfect.

I to agree its your day so do it your way. Im to planning my wedding now its in Aug as well. And not everyone like what we are doing either but they can all bite me!! No one has a right to tell you what to do its up to you and your partner no one else make it a day you both will remember if others dont like thats fine let them stay home