DH wants parental leave - am I just being selfish?

Ok, so this is a little premature seeing as we're not even pregnant yet, but the topic of paid parental leave came up last night. My employer offers 12 weeks at full pay, or 24 weeks at half pay. So our original plan, before the government came along, was just for me to take 24 weeks leave.

Now that there's 18 weeks minimum pay offered by the government, and it seems as though my employer must keep their plan in place, DH said he wouldn't mind taking those weeks when my 24 weeks are up.

I think it's great that he wants to be involved, it just surprised me a little as I just assumed I'd take that leave too. I think I'm probably just being selfish, but I worry that it would be disruptive to bub - 24 weeks with me, then 18 with DH, then alternative care arrangements when we both go back to work.

Just wondering what your thoughts are on this? Would it work very well?

I think it's lovely that your OH wants to take time off to be with the baby, but you may find that in reality the extended leave could be a chance for you to breastfeed a little longer. Until you have your baby and see how feeding goes it is too early, IMO, to plan this sort of arrangement.

However could your OH use part of the parental leave at the same time as you are on maternity leave to give you all time together as a family? That might work well without disrupting breastfeeding.

I think little babies need their Mums. Breastfeeding and attachment to their primary carer is so significant at this time. I am totally for fathers raising their children too but I think 24 weeks old is a little young for Dad to be doing it full time IMO.

Hi KTee. It really is lovely that your dh wants to take that time to be the primary carer of bubs. I'm curious at the 18 week min pay government thingo, I had presumed I wouldn't get anything other than the baby bonus, is this new legislation coming in perhaps after my baby is born? (sorry I guess that's a whole other thread). My 1st thought reading your post regarding your dh taking the leave is that it would really depend on if you choose to BF or formula feed. Granted you could express and then your dh can still do the feeding but with you working and expressing it would be lots of work for you. Our plan is for me to finish up work at 34 weeks pg and then I've told my employer I am taking 7 months total so I will get about 6 months (26 weeks) with me being the primary carer. I hope not to have to go back to work at all but if I do dh will be looking after bubs on the days that I am not here so I guess it's a similar situation to what you will be doing. If I am still breastfeeding I will express I's say but at this stage I'd only be working around 3 days a week. dh is taking about 2 months off when bubs is born and is using his holidays for that so it will be paid but all of my maternity leave will be unpaid (sadly). hmmmm not sure I've been any help really! I guess I think it would work well, why shouldn't you dh get to care for bubs? just as long as he's doing most of the work and your not going to work full time and then having to come home and do most things there too!

i would look into it a little further - i don't know to be honest if the parental leave scheme can be paid AFTER your normal mat leave entitlements - i am under the impression it has to be taken at the same time....

it's nice that your OH wants to take time off, but it might not be viable if you're BF etc. it's definitely a decision to make much later, when you know how you're going to feel, how your baby is going etc. but definitely check when that parental leave is to be paid! i may be wrong, but check it out hun!

I think that each parent having a stay at home time for bonding one-on-one time with bub is such a great opportunity if you can do it. It takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise from both parties. It ws always our plan, and was put in the place when Jazz was 18 months old - my partner ceased full-time work and became a SAHM and I went to full-time work and became a working mum. The was a part of me that wanted to stay at home still, I still have days where I feel heartbroken leaving her, and I cry at the though of missing out on things. But then I think, my partner must have felt the same way for the first 18 months. It isn't any easier for the non-birthing partner to leave their child at home and go to work, and so I sucked it up and did it for the sake of my partner and our daughter, and their bond. I am still breastfeeding, although I think its because I was able to stay home for the first 12 months. Once she hit 14 months she had cut down the number of feeds she had each day, and drank more cows milk, so it made it easier and I don't have to express. If I had to express it would have been difficult as I could never really get the hang of it, sometimes I'd get heaps, some days I'd get NOTHING despite being painfully full!

Personally, I think its a great idea. Maybe decide when it comes closer to the time. We had always planned on swapping at 12 months, but she was feeding so much at night that it wasn't feasible without me weaning. I wasn't willing to do that, so we put it back until she was settled (and able to be night weaned).

It can work, but you both have to be able to make it work.

Cherished, just this week legislation was passed that working mothers may be entitled to paid parental leave following the birth of their child (if they've worked a certain amount in the previous 12 months) - it comes into effect from jan 1. it would be in place of baby bonus for those that qualify.

I'm not sure it's even offered to Dads. I know it's called the parental scheme but I'm sure it was to cut working mum's some slack.

Parental leave (as is offered already) can be taken by EITHER parent.

I think it is a fabulous idea. By 24 (that is almost 6 months old BTW) you will have well established breastfeeding, so that really will not be an issue, it will simply mean you need to speak with your employer about a time and place to pump.

I think it is ace he wants to take some time off to be with bubs too, and yes, selfish of you to say he can't or have objection after you have had that 6 months to bond. Dads need to bond too ;)

don't get me wrong - my concern isn't the time for Dad at home with bub (i think that is a great idea after 6months-ish) - it's more the idea that the PAID parental leave, as passed by the government this week, is being considered as a source of income for that time - the way i read it, it's not going to work like that - i haven't been to work to confirm or anything, but i PERSONALLY read it that it is to be paid for the FIRST 18 weeks, and it's only if the mother returns to work within that time frame that the father (or other mother if that is the case) would be eligible for the payment. if the OP is eligible for 24 weeks pay at half rate, she would be deemed to be the primary care for the full 24 weeks, and the other carer wouldn't be able to be deemed primary carer (or be eligible for that payment) within that time frame.

Hey everyone, thanks for your replies :) I haven't had a chance to look into it (the scheme) further yet, but I'm pretty certain we couldn't take leave (from my employer & the government) at the same time, because then we'd both be classifying ourselves as the primary carer. I'm also pretty certain the leave can be taken by either parent within the first year of the baby being born, so we shouldn't have any problems starting it at 24 weeks.

Also, a benefit for us is that I only work a few minutes from home, so expressing wouldn't be hard and I usually come home for my lunch hour. Now that I've been thinking about it longer, I reckon if hubby wants that time with bubs to experience what I get to have for those first 24 weeks, it can only be a good thing for them both bonding-wise and for hubby to know what it's like to be the full time parent and me to know what it's like to leave for work every day.

But yeah, we'll think about it more when the time gets nearer I suppose. Thanks! :D

My DH took his long service leave at half pay when DD was 11 months old (not quite the same as 6 months) and it was the most wonderful thing for them. He had 6 months at home with her. They are so close now and it meant she was 18 months when she went to day care. We felt lucky to have had her home with us for all that time. I missed her terribly and thought I'd miss out on things but it I jsut had to remind misyelf DH had missed out on so much already!
If it ends up that he can't take it and you get your work scheme and the government scheme at the same time (in my job I will get both) maybe you could save the 18 weeks worth of money for him to stay home later on?

Family Assistance Office | C. What do I do if I am eligible?
this link outlinees it all a little more - it appears you can take your paid parental leave AFTER your mat leave (if you're entitled to it) - so as long as the mother qualifies, she can take a small amount of it first, and then hand it over to the father (i don't see anything in there about ONLY the father getting the whole 18 weeks, but i've only skimmed). as long as the mother has returned to work and the father (or other mother!) is considered primary carer at that time.

from a personal POV - i looked at returning to work for financial reason when DD was 8 months old but we weren't ready. she was feeding frequently over night due to teething, she was very clingy, and just not ready to be apart from me (admittedly, for several months i'd been her ONLY carer due to DH's work situation being away from home) - i wouldn't make any firm agreements with your DH about him taking x time off work after you've had a certain period as you need to see how you're going at that time. the last thing you want to do is commit to something and find that its just not going to work for your family dynamic. wait til your bub arrives.

i do agree that taking a period (even it's it's just the last month or two of that paid leave entitlement) when the baby is on solids and less dependent on mum for BM, it is a fantastic idea for dad to be primary carer for a while. My DH is doing that now while i work and is loving it - we "weaned" her off relying heavily on me between 9.5 and 10.5 months (got Daddy to do sleep time routine sometimes etc) to get her used to it, and we've had NO drama with me going to work at all. now if only these teeth would finish cutting and she'd go back to sleeping through so that it's not drama for ME that i have to get up and go to work in the mornings!

Snap BG - I've just looked that up too! Thanks :) And thanks for the insight re: what yourself & hubby did with your daughter. I'm thinking that if we could get bubs used to feeding with daddy with a bottle, if I've expressed or something, then it could be do-able and I'm not far from home anyway. But I'm also thinking that it's something that should be decided later when we actually have a baby (lol!), and we know how we're all working in together. The only thing that worries me about that is work - they won't know for certain if I'll be there for those 18 weeks or not. But seriously, too bad! Gotta do what's best for us :)

a lot of employers ask for a certain amount of notice (mine was 4 weeks) of your planned return to work. i was booked out for the full 12 months of leave, but was able to return early with that notification.

you may decide not to try a bottle until there is no need for a bottle anyway - at five months, DD was able to take a sippy cup rather than a bottle - she really wasn't keen on bottles (they're nothing like boobies lol) but will take anything from a sippy cup... wait til you see your Bub's personality and your own feelings towards returning to work before you decide. i know i was/am a shocker for expressing (get bugger all for my efforts) so if i'd returned to work before DD had cut back a lot of feeds on her own to replace them with solids and water, i may have ended up being unable to maintain enough supply for her to continue BF. there is lots to consider with this decision. first one is getting you pregnant lol

I don't think you should make the decision too soon.
I know that briggsy's girl has worked at centrelink so i would support the information she has given you. don't forget you can't overlap by anymore than 2 weeks, and there is still a maximum period of combined leave of 12 months for the majority of professions.
You both need to be considerate of your employer even though you are legally allowed to have the time off. Your partner can have as much annual or long service leave during this time as he likes.

your first 4 weeks of leave will possibly be without child so bubs might be 20 weeks old when you return to work. I went back to work when ds was 5 months old, at that time I was expressing 3 times a day at work, which gradally reduced as time continued. If you do plan to go back to work after your 24 weeks paid leave do as much research as you can into expressing. some people also experience some difficulty in expressing.

dh recently had a co-worker take parental leave for 6 months, he was back at work after 1 month

oh and mums need time for bodies to heel, hormones to settle etc etc

Legally your employer is entitled to ten weeks written notice of your intent to return to work, and they only have to allow you to change that date once.

Ktee - I returned to work when our DS was 10.5 months and DH took his entitled paid parental leave and then 3 months of long service leave (so had 4.5 months / 18 weeks at home with DS), now I work part time and DS has two days with me, two days in CC and one day with my Mum.

This arrangement worked well for us both financially (we were able to make the most of all our entitlements) and DH LOVED spending this very special time with DS and DS LOVED spending time with Daddy - and knowing DS was home with Dad made my return to work much easier. Although if finances weren't an issue I would choose to be a SAHM, in hindsight I am VERY VERY glad my DH had the same opportunity to spend this 1on1 time with his child during this amazing time (where they change every day). We'll be doing exactly the same with baby #2.

In answer to your question about being selfish - the answer is Yes, but of course every Mum would want to maximise their time with their baby, so its perfectly ok. But I must say that Dads are just as good a parent as Mums, and we must give them the same opportunities where possible to bond and care for their babies that Mums get (because people assume thats the right thing to do). The relationship my DH and DS have is simply wonderful, and like all babies, DS will always want Mum first, but golly gosh he loves his Daddy to bits :D Also, the added bonus is that your DH will have a WHOLE new appreciation for everything you do, as they suddenly have an understanding of what it's like to be the SAHP.

I strongly urge you to give it a go, frankly I think Dads often get 'forgotten' amongst the whole new baby, new mother journey, and to be able to have a family arrangement where both you and DH have the same opportunity to care for your baby is a wonderful wonderful thing that will have long lasting positive effects in bonding your family :)

I know this is an older thread = I just stumbled across it, so am not sure whether you're still discussing it ...

I got 10 weeks paid leave, and took 1 week before DS arrived, and then 9 weeks after, then DH commenced his 12 months unpaid.

It worked great - we had DH feeding DS for one feed per day (with EBM or colostrum) EVERY day since birth, so DS grew up knowing how to feed the different ways, and I still express 3-4 times per day, so DS has an almost exclusive breastmilk diet. It can be done :)

And DS and DH have such a wonderful relationship ... if I'd been eligible for the 18 week paid leave, I think we'd probably still have done it this way, but maybe shared it a bit more - so had me taking an extra 2 or 3 weeks off before giving birth, and maybe an extra week or two afterwards.

It was totally find the way we did it this time, but any future babies I have will need to be by C-section, so I'm guessing a few extra weeks will be handy.

I'm pretty sure you can split the leave up between the parents, up to the non primary caregiver getting 4 weeks, and the primary caregiver getting 14 ... but check it out, and make sure you're clued up on what each of you are elibible for first ...

and find out whether your parental leave in your employment contract still exists when the paid parental leave kicks in, or whether it will not be able to be taken at different times - I've seen several mums on BB who have had nasty surprises from their workplaces when they've found out exactly how the paid parental leave system works.

so ask all those questions in advance, so you and your DH can make the best decision for you both :D

GL! And :pray: that your pregnancy is going smoooothly :D

Thanks Peanutter :) By the time I actually got pregnant, I had started to really like this idea, and was so excited that DH would be able to spend time alone with the baby. Now that it's a reality though, his workplace is being entirely unsupportive. They'll need to replace him for those 18 weeks (I basically said well duh, what did they expect??) but they're saying they don't feel that they could then let that person go because DH has decided to come back. I don't believe it should be so hard - they should just hire someone on an 18 week contract!! As long as everyone knows where they stand no problem right?

The other issue is they don't want DH to be 'out of the loop' when he gets back with regards to training etc. He's due to start a second apprenticeship next year so that he has a dual trade, and I can understand that would need to be delayed, but I don't believe he would be completely out of it when he came back. I mean if I take all the leave, how much out of the loop will I be??

We considered maybe he'd take 4 weeks instead of the full 18, but the whole thing is just getting DH worked up, feeling like he can't do any of it :( And he feels like 4 weeks on his own with bubs after I've been there for ages and then going to daycare might just disrupt things even more :( We'll sort something out I guess!

Oh and yes, the pregnancy is all good so far :D

thank goodness we have 9 months to prepare, with all the decisions and issues to sort out before our kids land!!

sorry to hear his work isn't being supportive - a lot of workplaces are just going to have to get used to the idea though, particularly the idea that (hopefully) a LOT of dads are going to want to exercise their rights in getting paid parental leave ...

I haven't looked into it heaps, but from what I read a while ago, I think that the parents can take some of it at the same time - the point being that the new mum can have her partner about for a few weeks at the start, and they can all spend some time together ...

maybe that's something you'd enjoy? even if it's only 2-3 weeks, he'll be able to spend loads of time with Tee and help you too ... those first few weeks are pretty special :D

as for the disruptions of changes with primary carers, day care, etc, be comforted - babies are pretty resilient little things, and can adapt pretty well :)

Yeah I reckon I read somewhere that you can take some of it together, if there's a transition type perios - like if I were to transfer some to him, we could have two weeks or something at the same time to transition. Other than that he'll be using his annual leave as he has a bit built up.

Thanks :)

Kaytee - that's just discrimination, pure and simple. How is a dad taking paid leave different to a mum? I hope his workplace realise that they are being discriminatory!

Have a look at the legistlation but I think his workplace don't get a choice. The law is the law whether they like it or not

Yeah, I've told DH that it's actually against the law to prevent him taking the leave - if he were a woman it would be an entirely different story I bet. But it's kinda getting to him now, he doesn't really want to stir the pot and is now saying himself he's not sure he actually wants to spend so much time away from work.

I've still got a while before I have to give dates to my work and they're pretty flexible, so I'll just let him keep thinking about it for a while.

PS I love your avvy Pandora!

now, I know absolutely nothing about the paid parental leave scheme, can you get it at half rate though? that way DH can work part time, and you can work part time, so DH doesn't feel left out and had more time bonding with bubs.. just a thought :)

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now, I know absolutely nothing about the paid parental leave scheme, can you get it at half rate though? that way DH can work part time, and you can work part time, so DH doesn't feel left out and had more time bonding with bubs.. just a thought :)

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I don't think we can do it this way, it can only be paid to the primary caregiver for 18 weeks full-time as far as I know. Either that or taking it as a baby bonus instead. When I do go back to work I want to do 4 days instead of 5, and really want DH to do the same but take a different day off so bubs is only in child care for 3 days a week. Even this he's not sure about though!!

Part pay maternity leave is usually a work / enterprise option and up to the employer.

Parental leave as paid by the government is, I think, available full-pay only. As BG mentioned above, there is a calculator where you can check where you'd be better off - with paid parental leave over the 18 weeks on minimum wage, or the baby bonus as paid in increments.

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Part pay maternity leave is usually a work / enterprise option and up to the employer.

Parental leave as paid by the government is, I think, available full-pay only. As BG mentioned above, there is a calculator where you can check where you'd be better off - with paid parental leave over the 18 weeks on minimum wage, or the baby bonus as paid in increments.

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Lol Kazbah, every time you write a post I think what are you doing still here?? Hope bubs comes along soon :)

But as you said with the calculator, we had a look but that was a while ago and I don't remember which way we'd be better off. In any case I'd rather take the time off and be a bit worse off financially than go back to work sooner and and have to put bubs in daycare at only 24 weeks. This way we'll be getting 10 months before we need to go to daycare, I'm much happier with that!