Using a deceased persons name...just your thoughts....

Ok well, we are having dd3 and are completely stumped on names! The only name we like and could quite possibly agree on is Jennifer. We both love it...theres just one problem.....

DHs grandmother had a still born baby about 50 odd years ago. She was named Jennifer. There is a headstone and ashes.

Dh says it would be weird and not right to name our daughter that name. He finds it uncomfortable to talk about.

I have spoken to his grandma on several occassions about the baby they named Jennifer. She is quite open about it and appears not to be uncomfortable.

Chances are because I respect my dh wishes we wont be calling this one Jennifer. However, I was just wondering what your thoughts would be on the matter. I have asked dh is I could talk to his grandparents about it and see if they think its ok, but its a no. He thinks it would be weird to have that same name in a family and also the fact that our baby could see the headstone, etc.... I think that there are many families who name their children after other people in the family that pass on. I do respect that this was a child who was born still but I think if we bring it up with the grandparents and ask, then there shouldnt be any issues. If they said yes, then we would also talk to dhs dad and uncles about it so they would know too.

Any thoughts?

I'd be absolutely honoured if one of my kids or grandkids said they were naming their son after my Ianto. If DH's grandma's alright with it, I think you should be. But I can understand where he's coming from as well. He might think it's a bit wrong (maybe even bad luck?) to call his daughter that... It's really up to you and him together :)

Personally, I think it is a beautiful thing to do.

i think it would be a lovely gesture for dh's grandma.
please talk to your dh again and see if you can convince him to let you speak to his grandparents about how they would feel.
i'm sure his grandma would be really touched by it.

My middle name, as much as I despise it (it is very old fashioned), used to belong to my grandmother's sister, who died as a baby.

I think it's a lovely idea, even if you're not deliberately naming your child *after* another family member (ie, you just happen to like the name and it just so happens there's a Jennifer in the family who, sadly, is deceased). But on the other hand, I can sort of see your DH's perspective - maybe he's worried about being seen as disrespecting the baby's memory, or that it might be a 'bad omen', so to speak?
I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you should do :/ It's a tricky situation. Maybe if you and your DH can sit down with his grandma, talk openly about everything and see if maybe that changes his perspective on things if he can see that his grandma is comfortable with the idea?
Good luck with whichever direction you go in, I hope you find the perfect name soon (if you're not already sitting on it, that is ;) )!

I think it is a lovely idea. I would love to use the name 'Verna' after my great Aunt who passed away for a middle name, DH is not so keen though. I can understand also that your DH may not be comfortable with the choice as I too would respect that.

I don't know... I am torn on this one.

On one hand I can see that it is a very beautiful gesture but on the other I can see that having your DH's grandmother holding a little bubba named Jennifer could be a little distressing for her. I think it is definitely something you would have to discuss with those closest to your DH's grandmother and eventually with the grandmother herself.
I know for me, I would love for one of my grand kids or great grand kids to have Noah as a middle name for their child, but actually naming their child Noah would be another thing... it would take a lot of strength to be able to bond to a related child with the same name. That's just my opinion though.

I think it's an honor personally - but everyone feels differently about these things. :comfort: It seems like your husband is fairly anti the whole idea which probably is more immediately relevant?
If it were me I would talk to your husband about the honor of that name, the feelings it may bring up for your gran etc etc etc. If he was to agree I would then ask his gran.

My daughter is Lucy Philomena which is the full name of her paternal great grandmother - she died the day I discovered I was pregnant with her. Thus the name. We asked my husbands family who saw it as an honor. I know this is not the same as a still born baby. :comfort:

Goodluck with it all. :hug:

I don't think it would be weird at all. Like OPs have said more like an honour. If DHs family don't have an issue with it then it really shouldn't be a drama. They might quite like it if they had the chance to hear the idea. Then again if DH can't get past it then it's probably not going to happen. I don't think it would be strange if the baby saw the grave etc, they would just know that they share the same name.

DS3's middle name is the same as DPs brother who passed way when he was 21, his family loved the idea.

I don't think its weird at all.
When I have studied family history its quite common to give a sibling the name of an earlier sibling who has died. I think that's a bit more harder to take but obviously people were fine with it.

My Mums sister died one month before I was born, her name was Mary Adeline (referred to as Adeline)
I was then named Mary, a name I have come to treasure because of its reference to a special person in my families life that I wish I had gotten to meet.
My DH and I wanted a family name for my DD, so we called her Adeline
We have had nothing but wonderful feedback from the family, including the original Adelines husband, brother and of course my Mum.
I hope my DD grows up feeling the same pride in using a loved ones name that I have

It must be hard when your DH feels awkward about it, good luck in arriving at the perfect name for your family.

I dont see an issue with it, but everyone is different.

My sister is named after my aunties daughter who died of cot death. My mum asked her sister if she could use the name and she was honoured!

I woudn't have a problem using it - you never know, but your DH's grandma might just adore holding a baby Jennifer who's a few generations down from her own little Jennifer...sounds a little strange but it might be something she's always needed or wanted. I could of course be wrong! But given she's open to talking about it, she might just rejoice in the chosen name :)

I agree that it would come across to me as an honnor.

we are naming our son after my grandad (dec) and alsthough i would like my brothers name as a middle name (its a long tradition) my DH wants me to use my fathers name as he has also passed away. So both names are after ppl very close to us that are no longer here.

My nan was very touched and moved when we told her. I am still yet to let my fathers parents know.

I would understand how hard this might be for your DH though as im sure he remembers sad times when this has been discussed as he was growing up.

I hope you are both able to come to a decision .

my son is named after my step dads best friend that died and his parents thought it was awesome and i found out after that they were the same weight at birth

i think its up to u and ur DH maybe just talk to him about it some more and like other posters maybe to his grandma

HTH xoxoxox

If that Jennifer had lived, and you used the name, she, and many others, would be thrilled. If she had died recently, it would be the same. People would compliment you on your choice.
Why does that change because Jennifer was born still? It's still just as lovely a thing to do - and possibly a little more so. See if you can talk to the gran about it, gauge her reaction. It might just make her year to know that someone is going to properly acknowledge her precious little bundle, who would have been born in a time when these things were hidden.

My grandma had a baby that was born still. Her name was Heather and it's on our baby name shortlist. I think my Dad would be honoured if we used his sister's name (Grandma passed away a while ago), especially as there was no gravestone or anything else acknowledging this little soul. For me, it would honour a much loved and wanted baby who didn't make it.

But I can see the other side too. Whether from superstition or not wanting to remind someone else of there loss.

DS's middle name was going to be Paul. After MIL's brother who was killed in a car accident, & a baby she had not long after who lost his young life to SIDs. Instead though, we chose to honour FIL's middle name of Andrew instead so he will always know just how much he means to DH (he's not his biological father). Paul was decided on as a bad luck name in their family.

I see nothing wrong with it, but my preferance would be to use it as a middle name. Thats just me. I'm trying to decide on a family name myself to use for this one's middle name. I thought Ann would be good, because it was DH's sisters middle name & he never got to meet her before she died in a house fire at 12, but he doesn't agree. I have no idea what we will do.

Perhaps your DH is having superstitional issues with using the name....?

Thank you so much for your replies....

I had another chat with dh this morning about it and it is a definate no go. Even if his granparents were to say it was ok, he still feels like it is not right. He said if it were a few generations ago he would have no hesitation, but because it is so close in time and that he feels strange about it he couldnt do it. Fair enough and the issue has been put to bed. I respect his wishes and if I go on about it I know it will make him more upset. Although it is a shame that we do both like the name!!!

So back to the drawing board......

If you want to do it, then definitely do it :)
My DS is named after my granddad, who passed away Aug '08 and I miss him every day - He's also got the same name as DHs middle name, so it's a doube meaning to his name

Hi, I think if your dh is uncomfortable with it than don't use it, there are millions of other names out there. My mum had twins, one died a few weeks after birth and the other 6 months later :( I couldn't imagine anyone in our family using either of their names it really is a constant reminder. When I say anyone in the family I mean all of my cousins or if any of my aunties or uncles were to use it. Mind you there are about 20 cousins and they all have 3 (some 4) kids so that's a lot of naming going on. Having said that the twins names weren't as common as Jennifer, I'm sure your DH's grandmother has met dozens of Jennifer's over the years and doesn't really think about it. I know that my mum and dad and probably my aunts and uncles would think of the twins my parents lost when they hear those names. Everyone is different though, while others may be honored to hear that name used and remembered others may just be reminded of the pain. Only you know how your family members really feel.

i have to agree with Cherished on this one minimatron. My DH has always said he would feel sad, and so would his family, if we were to use his brothers name. DH's brother passed away in his arms at 7 years old after a long battle with Leaukemia. The family find it very difficult when they hear the name and unfortunatly it is a topic very rarely spoken about due to the pain and emotion it causes, even 17 years on. i would honour Dh's wishes, as you have said you will.
all the best :)

I think thats why its a definate no go. Thats ok. I respect his wishes on this one and wouldnt dream of pushing it because I know it upsets him. Just means that we will take a while longer to name the baby!

Thanks everyone