What are people's reactions when you say you are a SAHM??

I am getting the impression here that being a SAHM is sort of looked down on, maybe that's too strong....maybe just not expected?? I'm not sure yet. But I feel like I have to justify it when people ask me and I really was not expecting this!! I never thought people would have this opinion. In my family all the mum's are SAHM's, I don't think we have any working mum's, so it was just normal to me iykwim??

I find it odd if I'm out with DD and people ask 'and what do you do??' like it's expected I do something else, being a mum isn't enough. I am sort of the other way around and expect that everyone's a SAHM, LOL, until they tell me otherwise. I guess just because that's what's normal for me and in my family. Although I obviously know there are lots of working mum's out there too.

So then when I say I'm a mum they look at me blankly like they're waiting for me to elaborate and when I don't I get 'and when are you going back to work?' and I say 'when I'm finished having kids', and then they seem to feel the need to ask about what I used to do and suggest I could do some part-time work between babies etc etc. Umm....don't remember saying I had a problem with it actually??

Kinda just makes me feel a bit crap!! Since when is being a SAHM not enough?? It's enough for me and I'm so proud to do it!! It's not like I'm doing it bc I don't have anything else to do. I have a masters degree and am qualified for a great job if I wanted it but I much prefer this one, and see it as the most important thing at this stage of my life. Being a SAHM isn't easy!! It's one of the hardest jobs on earth and the most important!! I'm so glad I am able to do it. But I don't need to convince you guys of that I'm sure.

So what is the deal???? Why do people think being a SAHM isn't enough?? I actually had someone say a comment to me (although it was about someone else) that 'having a baby isn't an achievement', ummmmmm......wrong audience buddy!!!!!!!!

I've also read threads on here about working mum's getting a hard time too. So we just can't get a break can we!! No matter what we do. Back off people!!

What have been your experiences??

Heaven-

I can't wait to be a SAHM!!! I am so proud when people ask me "so how long are you taking off with the baby?" I just tell them that I'm not going back.
I think being a mother IS an incrediable acheivement!!! Maybe for some, getting pregnant isn't an acheivement but being a proper mother (whether you work out of home or not) is an AMAZING acheivement!!!
all mothers should be proud!!! I knwo some of my friends would love to be able to be a SAHM, not everyone gets the option.

My dad was originally horrified that I was going to be a sahm, he expected me to go back to my prestigious job with a uni blah blah. He eventually changed his mind after dd was born, she was a premmie and had a lot of appointments etc and he was besotted with so he finally seems to understand.

I think a lot of people presume we spend all day shopping, doing glamourous things. We go swimming, we play I clean, and we do it all over again. Watching the girls grow us amazing but it's hard work, being back at work would be so much easier. For now I haven't even thought about what I will do it's at least five years away before I would think about working again.

None of my friends have kids and think I am lucky not to work. They dream of the day!! I try not to let peoples opinions bother me as we are a happy little family. It can be frustrating if people think it's the easy way out.

Like black_rose has said, a lot of people assume sahm's do nothing but shop all day, sit on the lounge watching oprah and days of our lives etc. And those people are the ones that can't understand why our houses aren't in prestine condition as well lol.
I'm very proud to be a sahm. I've tried working p/t, then I tried working f/t. For us personally, it didn't work. It works better for me to be at home with our kids.

I found that up to 2 children - people expect you to go back to work. But when you have 3 kids, nobody asks you at all what you do, or if you stay at home...

So there's your answer - have more kids! lol

LOL Mel, well I'm working on it! haha

I don't think people necessarily 'look down' on SAHMs, but rather it's not so much the norm these days. Typically families rely on more than one income financially, so many women who see themselves primarily as SAHMs also combine that with some paid work, squeezed into the week somewhere. It's also true that women struggle with social isolation when they are SAHMs for precisely those reasons - we don't necessarily have the social networks of other SAHMs in our lives, so perhaps the question is less a reflection on you and more a reflection on the person who asks it and that they struggle with the role, for whatever reason.

Personally I'm always impressed when I meet a 'true' SAHM, they seem to have their act together in a way that I've never managed to achieve :lol:

I have found it's a generational thing around here. When I was pg with #1 and still working I had older people ask me "are you staying home" and I had younger people ask me "are you going back to work" - never was I ever looked down upon, but depending on which group I was responding too, I either got a "Good girl, they need their mums when their little" etc or a "Really? I couldn't do that" <- you work out which groups those answers belonged to ;) I guess people don't realise that when you decide to become a SAHM, you aren't just going to stop work and bum around doing nothing, you are simply swapping one job for another, no different to any other career change really. So there is no need to be judged one way or another. Once I had DS1 I don't think I was ever asked again about going back to work at all. Not that I can remember anyway. Out here though the majority of Mums stay at home at least until their youngest is in school, or in preschool and then they start back at work. There aren't many who are back in full time work when their babies are still really little. And there is never a sense of obligation that you have to do one or the other - you just go about your business and its a non issue. The only time I have ever had to deal with a numpty about it was with the wife (now ex thankfully! she was a right *****!) of BIL's mate and she has this whole thing about not having kids because she 'has a career don't you know?' :rolleyes: and looked down on those like me who gave it all up for kids. I mean FFS, she worked in retail, not that there's anything wrong with that, but to suggest that somehow she was better than me because she had a job is laughable really. I told her that once too and she didn't like it one little bit. Plus its not like raising kids means that I've done nothing worthwhile in that time. I have volunteered on committees, written a book and now I'm at Uni.

BUT, now I'm at the stage of my life where it is only around 9 years before my lot start leaving the nest and I decided that I didn't want to find myself at home on my own, no kids to look after and too old to get a job to fill in my day. I can't see myself spending endless days pottering in the garden either so that is why I'm at Uni so I can get my 'career' LOL and go back to work, so eventually I will be a working mum and I can't wait. I have no idea if that will change the perception of me by other people or not, now I have what I suppose could be called direction in my life ITMS, but the SAHM and eventually the Working Mum labels are ones I will accept with pride.

[QUOTE=Heaven;2362509]I am getting the impression here that being a SAHM is sort of looked down on, maybe that's too strong....maybe just not expected?? I'm not sure yet. But I feel like I have to justify it when people ask me and I really was not expecting this!! I never thought people would have this opinion. In my family all the mum's are SAHM's, I don't think we have any working mum's, so it was just normal to me iykwim??

Great post Heaven, i often feel exactly the same way you do ...like i have to justify why i am a SAHM but really it's no-one elses business. Being a Mum is the best job in the world and i am sooo lucky that im able to be a SAHM.

I find it odd if I'm out with DD and people ask 'and what do you do??' like it's expected I do something else, being a mum isn't enough.

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I don't think people necessarily 'look down' on SAHMs, but rather it's not so much the norm these days. Typically families rely on more than one income financially, so many women who see themselves primarily as SAHMs also combine that with some paid work, squeezed into the week somewhere.

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Actually now you've said that, I think there is a kind of reverse discrimination for not working, because some people think that because your family can afford for you to stay home, then you must have money kwim? which is bull****, it just means that we are able to survive on one income and are no different to the families that need two incomes coming in - no different to if one parent stayed home while the other worked two jobs.

i'm a sahm, and i think it's the hardest job in the world!
some people mention going back to work, especially when they know we are struggling financially, but they don't realise that when your income goes up, ftb goes down, ccb goes down, child care goes up... the list goes on.
ultimately, dp and i decided that i would stay home until the kids were both at school, we didn't have them for others to raise them (this is no reflection on others, just how we felt). i do sometimes worry about what i will do after the kids have gone off to school, and i'm looking at doing another degree in the next couple of years.

lol, have just realised i haven't even touched on the op's point.. yes, sometimes i think sahm's are judged, but then i think working mothers are judged aswell, a lot of the time by sahm's... so, i just don't let it bother me, everyone's entitled to an opinion, we're just doing what we think is best for our family.

Good point Trill. People seem to think we have lots of money and that's why I do it, bc I can afford to but it's just not true. DH doesn't earn much. We decided it wasn't important to us to have a house of our own before having kids bc that would mean we would have to wait longer and I would prob have to work instead. We have just arranged our lives to make it work so I can be a SAHM bc it's important to us!! And we only spend what we have, not more.

I met a couple of girls a few years ago. One I already knew, one I had once or twice & the other I'd never met.
None of them had kids yet, but the one I knew before hand knew that I was a mum & thats all I am. I had the 2 girls at the time.

Anyway, we're standing outside chatting, one's a physio, one works for the mayor & the other (friend) is a legal secretary. They chat about work & ask what I do.
My answer... I'm a mum. Them... yeah, but what do you do?
Well, lets see, I fell pg with DD1 at 17, & DD2 at 20. I did work in my mum's takeaway shop over those years & worked my butt off, but I've never had a career. (Poor me)
Well the 2 who didn't know me didn't really wanna know me after that. We lived in a very, very small town (less than 200 people) & we were all close in age. But I'm much happier hanging out with my MIL & her friends, all in their 40's than those 2. All MIL's friends stayed home unless they had to work for a while in hard times & they all supported each other, & me, through thick & thin. All easy to get along with easy going & wouldn't dare look down on anyone.

Some people are just too self centered I think. I have loads of friends also who've always worked, but none of us judge each other for our own choices.
I've put at least another 3 years in the future to staying at home, coz I think thats whats in the best interest of my kids. I'll go back to work, to do whatever I want, when I feel my baby is ready.

I guess it depends who you are talking to. If they are part of a group with not many kids then you do get the blank stare when you say SAHM. I actually am not a SAHM as DH and I have always split kid duties and then I work on top of that. But I used to say it just to see what the reaction is, and it was clear that the people I said it to were a bit taken aback and didn't know then what to say. DH does mostly caring duties now and he proudly says it when people ask what he does. The silence after that is even longer than when I say it. LOL

Hey Heaven, I agree with PP's that no matter what you do, if it's different to your audience asking the questions, they will question it or look strangely at you. I think it's just that we automatically expect people to be just like us (without knowing we're doing it half the time) so there's surprise when we find a difference. And I totally relate because I had people asking when I was going back to work and telling me I'd be bored (wtf?) when I was home with DS for 13 months and now that I'm back part time people are asking when I'm going back full time or whether I feel guilty etc. Everyone has an opinion. I totally agree with MD too, that if people have an issue or are surprised, it says way more about them than it does about you. You could point out, nicely of course, that your choices seem to be making them uncomfortable? I would say less rather than more, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone and could end those discussions with a one line cliche like 'variety is the spice of life, we're all different, this works for us right now' etc.

Hi Heaven,

Havent read the PP posts but if someone told me they were a SAHM, i would be soooooooo envious!!!!!!!! and tell them how lucky they are!!!!

I would love to be a SAHM, and so would all my other friends who have kids.

So maybe the people responding to you in a condesending way is just JEALOUS!

Ive actually found other women look at me with envy when i say im a SAHM....i guess it depends on whom your talking too. But ive never, ever felt like im beneath anyone that is actually working....
i dont know if its the way you say it.....im not saying you are disappointed with your 'role' or anything, but i kinda boast 'im a SAHM' with a smile on my face....coz i consider it a privelledge to be able to stay at home for my children. Maybe its the way its coming across.....
Im sorry you feel like that anyway.....FWIW, it is the best job in the world....and those 'people' just dont know what they're missing....

I actually find the response to being a SAHM is pretty positive. Most older people think I'm making a good choice and most younger people (my age) think it's something to be envious of. I agree that it seems to hold a certain amount of prestige, "if you can stay at home then your H must be making big bucks" kind of thinking. Which is not completely the case as we have made financial and lifestyle choices based on the primary decision for me to be a SAHM but we are fortunate that my H's job is reasonably well paid.

Though I do get asked "when are you planning on returning to work?" I let people know I'm not going back to work until our last baby is at least 2 or 3. Everyone seems to think that's a reasonable response.

I love being a SAHM and am so proud of my role :) I love it when people ask me 'what do you do?' and I say "i'm a mum.... a 24/7 role!" and most people don't usually say anymore after that, they understand it's an important role. But I do understand what you mean, there are lots of people out there who assume or expect we can just go back to work asap after having a baby and life goes back to normal and that kids can just go to daycare etc..... well that might work for some but not all of us.
I would get annoyed initially when I was pregnant because at the time I was working in our shop (our family business, me and DH) and customers would constantly ask me "so when are you going to come back to the shop after having bub?" and I'd have to tell them "I won't be as my job will be parenting our daughter and staying home with her as that is all I've ever wanted to do is raise my babies and focus on them".... I got told by a customer once "i returned back to work after my baby was 3wks old and she would just sit in the cot next to me while i worked etc" and I just smiled and thought to myself ... well thats not me! :lol: thats why we pay staff so i don't have to be there :)

Don't worry what others think about SAHM's.... we know how much work is involved in raising little one's. The only one's making those comments are people who don't yet have kids and don't realise the commitment it is :D

I think I have been met by every single different response possible, when I tell people that I am a SAHM. My favourite ;) would have to be when they start justifying to 'me' about how being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world and how dedicated and fabulous I am for being a SAHM!! Like I somehow need their validation?

Or the other response I get when they find out later on that although I title myself a SAHM, I also do work for Weight Watchers and study, and then I am greeted with shock and disbelief and told "so you do work!" or some other equally baffling/disturbing/judgemental response.

Mind you having 3 young kids at home, I have found the responses to be more geared towards how busy I must be running after them all (disbelief I could have so many so close in age), which is a pleasant change to when I just had one or two kids.

I have found that most people seem to 'expect' that once your kids are around 1yr or older, that you will look at 'returning' to the workplace. It can be a very interesting conversation sometimes, when I then have to explain that I cann't 'return' to the workplace, because I have never truely been in it (from studying to mothering). And that furthermore, this was a 'choice' deliberately made by DH and myself. Everyone is shocked. Some people are logical and can understand this after they think about it. Others....well lets just just you can see their eyes glaze over and you can see the judgements forming.

I think it is human nature to want to categorise everyone. People want everyone else to fit in there little boxes that make up how they veiw the world. I (and I am sure many other SAHM's) baffle people because as soon they think they have me pegged and can safely religate me to an assigned category, they I go again messing up their percieved notion of how things actually work.

Wait until you tell them your a WAHM who makes cloth nappies....people take a step back I kid you not :ROFL:
I was really shocked the first few times but ahh bugger them, my children are better of for having me work from home and so am I.

And honestly..who cares what they think, they dont walk in our shoes ;)

The irony is if you said you were a nanny no one would bat an eyelid.

I haven't read all the replies (sorry for repeating what has already been said)

My personal experience - my Mum's goal in life was to be a SAHM. She gave up work for 'house duties' well before I was born.

My StepMum worked and her girls wished she was there for school functions etc and now they prefer to be a SAHM for their children.

I think in this day and age having both parents working is the 'norm' and almost essential to keep afloat. I would suggest the reactions you're having is perhaps jealously (for lack of a better word) they can't have the pleasure of staying at home with their children and be financially secure.

And they do say having a family is harder than any paid employment.

I've been in the great position of working part-time so if anyone tries to suggest to me that being a SAHM (which I will be for the foreseeable future) is an easy option, I don't hesitate to put them right and say - look, I've done both and let me tell you working is darn sight easier than staying home. Of course, there's exceptions to that. I think if you were working a very stressful job with very long hours then it would be very difficult but certainly in my job which was a professional but not high-stress position, the working day was much less exhausting than dealing with a very active toddler.

and when filling out the 'occupation' section on forms, I usually put "home duties/mother" !! ;)

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and when filling out the 'occupation' section on forms, I usually put "home duties/mother" !! ;)

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I hate saying I'm unemployed because it implies I want a job - I'm "unemployed" by choice and I'm so happy to have a hubby that supports that decision :) So "home duties" on forms for me too and can't wait til I can answer that question with "stay at home mum"! I know I am technically, but no-one really recognises that and I'm not looking after him when it comes down to it. I'm a mum, I stay at home, but I wouldn't call myself a stay at home mum. (Does that make sense?)

I have not read the replies, in a bit of a rush....but when asked I usually just quietly say "I'm a mum" as most don't seem to care. But the other night when I went to the dentist he asked what I do & I said "just a mum". He's reply was soooo nice, something along the lines of "nothing just about that, that's a great job" ohhh made me feel good, was sooo nice.

besides my SIL and MIL its generally positive but where I live most of the woman are SAHM...

my MIL has hassled me asking when I will go back to work I retired yes I prefer retired to quit when we moved here 10 years ago I did go back to work in 2005 mainly becuase we were struggling with TTC and losing so many bubs, I think my DH thought if I got out of the house I would be less depressed

my SIL can't work out how I could enjoy being at home with the kids etc...she actually said I love my son (nephew) but no way coudl I be at home with him all day

Just remembered. My mum actually had someone say to her once when she'd asked about another lady 'Oh I don't know, I don't associate with SAHM types'. Little did she know my mum had been a SAHM her whole life pretty much and only started working when we were all in highschool!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!

I love being a SAHM.

I just wanted to write that last week I helped out at my old work while my ex-boss was on holidays. A customer came in who I knew well from work and she asked me if I was back. I told her no, staying at home, just filling in and can't wait to get back home. She replied with -

"That is just fantastic! I was a SAHM for years, didn't go back to work until my youngest was at high school." :D

She then told me a story about someone she worked with who wanted kids but hated the thought of staying home with them. She told me that she found it really sad that this person hadn't even experienced motherhood but had made her decision that there was no way she was staying home. I too found that to be really sad. I really feel for mums who don't have a choice and need to go back to work. But I chose to have my baby and I'm trying my hardest to stay home with her for as long as I possibly can and for as long as DH can support us on one income. So far so good. :D

I figure that if someone ever asks me what I do and then freaks that I am a proud SAHM, then I probably don't have anything much to say to them anyway.

Corelly x

I think that when you are a mum of the stay at home or work variety people feel they have a right to have an opinion on your parenting. I am a working mum and have had several comments from close friends and family suggestiing I am not as good as a mother as friends who stay home.
DH and I share parenting and ultimately want to both work part time, Unfortunately my job means I have to work more in the next couple of years and DH stays home more. I have felt extremely judged and shed many tears. I wish we could be more supportive of fellow parents, No matter how yits done its a hard, wonderful job. Bellybelly is a lovely supportive environement and I feel happy to have found it.

Polly - you are so right about judgement cutting both ways. SAHM or Working mum, some people choose what they want, others have no or little choice. The truth is that it is no-one else's business and they shouldn't judge. Unfortunately, people do - usually other women and usually because of their own insecurities. I think as a MUM, we do need to grow a thick skin and try not to let those judgement get to us too much.

This is such a cool thread.

I'm now a SAHM after having my baby - before that I was in a fairly stressful job.

THIS is waaaayyyy harder than the job I had. And waaaaayyyy more rewarding despite getting no $$ for it!!
There can be no monetary value put on seeing my child grow and develop each day.

And I'd argue the case for SAH Mum's any day!! Going to work is easy - plus, you get lunch breaks LOL

S X

I constantly had people saying to me "when are you going back to work?" or "how long are you taking off?" etc etc... And I'd reply with "I'm not going back to work" and just get a blank stare, like how dare I! I feel there is a LOT of pressure to get back into working. And it's strange isn't it because the older generation stayed home to look after their babies, but the younger generation just expect us to go back to work. Being a SAHM is definitely a privilege and very, very hard work.

I get the OH WOW.. hard job... oh and another on the way.. I am like.. yup 2 is hard work but easier then 3-4-5

I grew up with my Mother never being at home, she worked night shift so would be out the door as soon as we got home from school. It was hard and as a result (plus a few other factors) we aren't close at all. So I really appreciate being able to stay home.

DH has a great career and we feel that me being a SAHM has been a blessing as I was able to keep him on track when it came to DH completing his University degrees and take care of the household. Sure, money was tight at the beginning but we knew it would only be for a few years.

Although, Dh's friends can be really frustrating at times. Almost everytime we see them I get "What do you do all day????" grrrr.
No matter what you do with your life you will always have someone that finds something wrong with your decisions. It's just to make themselves more satisfied with their lives.

I have been lucky enough to be a SAHM for the last 11 years now and I still get the same reactions from some people. I have 5 children and when we all go out together we get some really strange looks lol. A lot of references to us "having our hands full" and I say "literally" lol. I love being home for my children but some days I do wish I had something else to do. Maybe I should look into doing some uni courses.

I think if we are lucky enough to be able to stay at home then others should just butt out.