My Silent Miscarriage - Long

I've just returned home today from the hospital after 3 days of awaiting my body to let go of my baby.

I'm still in absolute shock that I even have to write these words but here I am.

This pregnancy had been unplanned but still very much wanted. I found out early on that things were going to be different to the others when I started to bleed at around 6 weeks. I decided to go for an u/s to check on things and have a dating scan done as I wasn't sure when it was that I had actually concieved.

The u/s showed the lovely little flicker of my baby's heart but I had a feeling something else was up as the synographer wouldnt discuss the u/s findings with me. I later found out that I had a subchorionic heamorrage beside the baby. I was told this would clear up and in a few weeks and that it did.

The pregnancy went on as usual with no more bleeding.

Sunday 20th of June I had just walked home from a reading with a local psychic and decided to go to the loo before going to hang some washing out. As i wiped i was startled to see quite an amount of browny/red/mucousy blood all over the toilet paper. I immediately call my Midwife to discuss options with her and later decide for my own piece of mind, to go to the Hospital and be checked out.

Honestly, I had no suspicion at all that the day would end as it did. I totally and utterly thought that I would go, have an u/s and be told that everything was fine. However, I knew again that something was up when the synographer wouldnt say a word. Even at that point and didn't think that my baby was gone. I thought more that there were physical deformites of some kind.

So when the Dr returned to give me my results, my world spun when she said the news isnt good and that my baby had infact died 5 weeks previously at 8 weeks. :cry:

At that point all i could do was try and understand how it was that my body could give me no signs at all that something like this was occuring. I had no bleeding at all in that 5 weeks and the only slight concern was some period pains that i had been experiencing in the weeks before I found out.

After this I was told the options of how to go from here. Proceed and "see how things go" or wait until the next day and have a D&C. Neither were suitable for me. I decided that if after 5 weeks soemthing hadnt happened, i was very doubtful that it would happen any time soon. I also decided there and then that I was not going to have my child scraped or suctioned from my body.

I've had a miscarriage and a termination in previous years. At those times, being knocked out and having my baby manually removed from me was a suitable choice. I was 17 and 19 and didnt know sh*t about sh*t. This time I was not going to detatch myself from this and i felt i owed it to my baby to "birth" him/her as naturally as possible.

The hospital I was at didn't offer Medical Management. So I asked who did and left.

The next morning I phoned the other hospital and was advised by the Early Pregnancy and Assesment Unit that I couldnt get an appointment until Wednesday. That wasn't good enoug h so I decided to rock up to the ED. I had been given a letter by the 1st hospital which explained the finding of the u/s etc. Within half an hour I had been made an appointment with the EPAU and was on my way to having things the way I wanted.

A repeat u/s was done which this time i got to see. Sure enough I didnt see any flicker. However when they located the baby and zoomed he was moving. I was hoping that somewhere, hidden his heart may have still be beating. But after checking my own pulse to the movements of the baby, it was decided that it was me moving him. Kinda like my own pulse was willing him to live. But it wasnt to be. It was good to have that scan though. Because I could then accept that I had lost my baby and I now had to take the next steps.

I was admitted to a room and the first lot of Misoprotal was interted. I had some cramping and some bleeding but nothing much at all. 24 hours later the 2nd dose was put in. That night I started experiencing some mild period type pains at about 8pm. I finally went to sleep at about 11pm and between then and 12am had 2 very stong contractions in my sleep. I got up at 12am to go the toilet and passed a large bloody clot. I went back to sleep after this.

I woke again at 3am to pains which were coming like contractions. They gradually built until I felt as if I were in labour. They were coming very close together but were'nt lasting very long. Between this time and 6am I passed 3 more clots which were laced with tissue. I would call the nurse each time a clot was passed and we would examine it together looking for my baby.

Sadly I never did identify my baby in amongst the bloody clots.

At 6.30 am I went back to sleep with a heat pack pressed against my lower abdomen. It didnt take away the pain but it helped. When I woke at 8am. There was no sign of any pain or clots. I'm guessing I "passed" my baby somewhere in the time between 3 and 6am.

This experience for me was a major contrast to my first experience of miscarriage at 17. I felt in control of the decision making and was well supported by hospital staff in my decisions. This experience like my first miscarriage, was done alone although I know I had many people thinking of me.

I have so many feelings about this. My initial feeling was obviously heartache and sadness but also embrassment. I felt silly that I had told everyone so early into the pregnancy and that I had made so many plans for my Homebirth. I had even chose the song to which I was going to do my Birth Montage too. I felt so silly for all of this.

I also felt angry that it had been 5 weeks since I had lost my baby and my own body didnt give my any sign of this. In hindsight the only suggestion that I had was 2 dreams that I had that I had miscarried. Maybe this was my bodies way of telling me....through my subconcious.

Anyways....I just wanted to get this down while its still fresh. Very fresh infact. I can't believe today is the day I birthed my 8 week old baby. So sad.

Thanks for reading....

For those of you wondering, I did participate in the trial of Medical Management and I wasnt concerned in the amount of Misoprostal I was given however I did check my Medication Chart and I was given 2 lots of 400mcg.

:hug: Nothing I can say can make it better, so... :hug: :(

:hug: I am so sorry Sara :(

I'm so sorry Sara. For you Brent & the girls.
I'm sorry he couldn't be there with you.
Here if you ever want to talk.
Thinking of you xx

Very sorry you had to go through this. :comfort:

I am so sorry you have been through this :hug:

Oh Sara I'm very sorry this has happened. A big hug from me.

Sweetheart :hug: Again I'm so sorry.
I am heartened that you felt supported and somewhat in control.

Every life however tiny, come with dreams and plans and promises. Grabbing these with both hands is no reason for embarrassment.

Thank you all again so much for all your kinds words.


I need to think aloud for a bit.

I'm at home today alone. Everyones at school or work. I woke feeling ok. Feeling like I would get things ready for me to go home to by Babies. I was going to do some domestic duties and just chill.

But now I'm a blubbering mess. I feel like I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't think I've ever felt so lonely and lost. My Family is 1600km's away and all I want to do is jump on a plane now and go be with them. But I have responsibilities here that I have to take care of.

I guess all these feelings and emotions are normal.

Lastnight I dreamt of going for a swim at the beach but there were massive waves crashing angrily at the shore. I read in one of my dream dictionaries that this depicts "the ups and down of everyday life".

I also rememberd back to the dreams of miscarriage that I had some weeks ago. The books says "Dreaming of miscarriage suggests that we are conscious of the fact that something is out of order or has been brought to an end too quickly". Maybe my own body or baby was sending me messages through my dreams.

I know its only early days and everyday my emotions will calm and my hormones settle. But right now I hate this emotional roller coaster I am on. I felt like I was doing ok. But then I also felt guitly for no letting myself grieve properly.

I'm a strong woman....I will get through this....Right?!?!?

Darling, you ARE a strong woman, and you WILL get through this :comfort: And more importantly, you are strong enough to stop thinking so logically and allow yourself to just grieve, in whatever manner feels right to YOU.

For what its worth, I don't think you should regret telling people early, or picking your Birth Montage song. You did what came naturally at the time. You picked a song that was special for you, and it is still special - just in a different way. :hug:

:hug: Are you in Brissy, or home home?
If you're in Bris can DP come down to you? Is that possible?

You will get through this. You are very strong. Look at what you are sacrificing now to do the best for your girls.
You don't have it very easy, but you are doing such an awesome job with it all.
Take care of yourself. Take some time out. Look after you, ok.
Here for you xx

Thanks hun.

I'm still in Brissy at this stage but I have decided its probably best for me to go home to be with B and the Girls. So I'm flying up on Wednesday.

I still have a few things to sort out here so I couldnt go an earlier than Wednesday but at least that gives me somthing to work towards.

Thanks for your kind words hun!
x

Good to hear :)
Oh, its Skye by the way. i just realised you might be wondering who the stranger is that knows so much! No sig!
Enjoy being home xx

Rejoicing in and celebrating your LOs life while they were with you is nothing to be embarrassed about. It underlines how loved they were and how wanted they were. I am so sorry your baby couldn't stay. :hug:

Yes I knew it was you hun!
x


I'm just wondering....Should I be having brown discharge already? I've also noticed that my pains have started to amp up a bit again.

I'm really worried that I still have "stuff" left over and I won't find out for sure until Monday when I go for repeat bloods and scan.

Sara - I am so sorry for your heartache and grateful that you shared your experiences. It's hard not to feel let down by your body, I understand. Please don't feel silly for having hopes and dreams for your baby and your life together - it just shows just how much you loved and wanted your baby, and that is truly beautiful. I'd expect that it is those very special things that you did for your baby that will become very important to you in the times to come. It is also a very real part of grieiving, not only the baby but also of your hope snad aspirations as a parent of your angel baby.

I remember seeing your quote from Sade somewhere else in the forums and it resonnated with me. Now it is even more significant.

I hope that you are travelling ok today. Thinking of you and big hugs - to you, your DD's and your SAHD.

Hi Sara,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helped you to write about your experience. I'm very sorry that your baby could not stay with you.

I wanted to tell you that it helped me to read about it. I have just miscarried at 7wks and decided that i also did not want a d & c (because i had a m/c last year and multiple d & c's because of complications of that m/c. I didn't want to put my body through that again if i could avoid it). Reading your post gave me some idea what to expect: I was prescribed misoprostal to use at home. I can relate to your description of 'birthing'. I thought it would just be like having a period. I was pretty naive i now realise. It felt more like birthing a 7wk baby. Still, although it was upsetting i think it was the right decision for me. My only concern now is that like last time, my m/c will be incomplete. I was wondering how you got on: you said you were getting some pains again. How did your check ups go? I hope you are feeling a bit better after your visit home.

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Sara - I am so sorry for your heartache and grateful that you shared your experiences. It's hard not to feel let down by your body, I understand. Please don't feel silly for having hopes and dreams for your baby and your life together - it just shows just how much you loved and wanted your baby, and that is truly beautiful. I'd expect that it is those very special things that you did for your baby that will become very important to you in the times to come. It is also a very real part of grieiving, not only the baby but also of your hope snad aspirations as a parent of your angel baby.

I remember seeing your quote from Sade somewhere else in the forums and it resonnated with me. Now it is even more significant.

I hope that you are travelling ok today. Thinking of you and big hugs - to you, your DD's and your SAHD.

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Hi Dory!

Thanks for your lovely post!

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Hi Sara,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helped you to write about your experience. I'm very sorry that your baby could not stay with you.

I wanted to tell you that it helped me to read about it. I have just miscarried at 7wks and decided that i also did not want a d & c (because i had a m/c last year and multiple d & c's because of complications of that m/c. I didn't want to put my body through that again if i could avoid it). Reading your post gave me some idea what to expect: I was prescribed misoprostal to use at home. I can relate to your description of 'birthing'. I thought it would just be like having a period. I was pretty naive i now realise. It felt more like birthing a 7wk baby. Still, although it was upsetting i think it was the right decision for me. My only concern now is that like last time, my m/c will be incomplete. I was wondering how you got on: you said you were getting some pains again. How did your check ups go? I hope you are feeling a bit better after your visit home.

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Hi PM!

I'm sorry to hear of your recent loss. My thoughts are with you.

I'm sorry I havent been back in to post about what happened after Monday! Life has been very hectic!

So I went back in on Monday partly expecting to hear that bub had gone but partly believing the signs my body was sending me. I had an u/s and sure enough, my baby was still in there. I was due to fly out to my kids on the Wednesday morning so I decided to go through with the d&c that day.

The decision wasn't a hard one for me. I had done what I could to try and make this experience as natural as possible for both my emotional and physical sakes. That hadn't worked so I was happy to go through with the d&c.

The d&c went well however I did have a yucky reaction to the general and had to kept in overnight. Now the bleeding has almost stopped and I am feeling pretty good emotionally. I have up and down days but I will get there.

I have also made the decision not to try again. I am making an appointment to get an Mirena put in, in the next couple of weeks. I feel that with uni etc its best of me to wait until I've finished before becoming pregnant. Its a hurtful decision but I know in my heart its the right one.

Well I am again sorry that you've had to go through this experience and I wish you all the best on your ttc journey! Sending loads of sticky vibes your way!

Take care!
x

Thanks Sara,

Hmmm, now i'm wondering if the same thing has happened to me: My bleeding stopped after a couple of days on medication but then started again and two days later i am still bleeding quite heavily. Going to see my OB tomorrow and get a scan. Will let you know what happens. Good on you for doing what was best for you each step of the way.

Sara - pity you had a bad reaction to the ga.... just physical misery I suspect. Hope you're home again now and finding a way forward. You have made such a brave decision... make it work. Take care.

Just wanted to let you know i saw the OB: miscarriage still incomplete but i'm nearly there so OB suggested i try one more dose of misoprostal. He's also given me antibiotics to cover me in case the length of the process makes me a bit vulnerable to it. So i'm crossing my fingers this is nearly over. WIshing you all the best again Sara for your future plans.

Hi PM,

Sorry to hear your still going through this process. It sounds like it wont be much longer. Are you ok with the decision about the last dose?

I personally, decided d&c was the best option for me having already had 2 doses and still hadnt passed anything.

I hope its all over for you soon and you can start to deal with it all.

In hindsight, the days between the last miso dose and the d&c were hard. I was dealing with the miscarriage and also dealing with my the decision about whether to try again or not. But then within a week of having the d&c I felt clear headed and was able to make a decision and I felt emotionally and physically better. I think its hard to compltely move on when the process is taking that bit longer.

But you will get there. Sending loads of :hug:

Take care!
x

massive hugs to both you ladies. my thoughts are with you. stay strong and take care of yourselves xox

Thanks Sara, yes, i was ok with one more dose of medication because the medication seemed to have worked reasonably well for me- my dr did an u/s in his rooms and could show me there was only a little bit left. I won't feel completely easy though until the bleeding stops and i have a scan (next wk) to show i'm all clear. I agree: until the m/c is complete it's even harder to deal with what has happened. I'm glad that you started to feel clearer once you'd had your d & c. I hope you will continue to heal in the weeks ahead. Good luck!

Rachel6188: thank you for your message.

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Thanks Sara, yes, i was ok with one more dose of medication because the medication seemed to have worked reasonably well for me- my dr did an u/s in his rooms and could show me there was only a little bit left. I won't feel completely easy though until the bleeding stops and i have a scan (next wk) to show i'm all clear. I agree: until the m/c is complete it's even harder to deal with what has happened. I'm glad that you started to feel clearer once you'd had your d & c. I hope you will continue to heal in the weeks ahead. Good luck!

Rachel6188: thank you for your message.

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Hi PM,

Just thought I would check in and see how you were going?

Hope everything is ok with you...

Just thought I would think out aloud in here....

So its been a few weeks now since I lost the baby and I am feeling pretty good emotionally and physically. But my heart is still aching.

I would have been 17 weeks today. I would have been feeling movement for sure!

I might be going crazy but I was laying down getting ready to go to sleep the other night and I was thinking about where I would have been in the pregnancy and thinking of movement when I started getting what felt like "kicks" in my tummy. I blurted out aloud...."my spirit baby has come to visit me". I know its just a normal spasm of the body but its a comforting thought.

I back on the rolloercoasting decision ride as to whether to try again or not. I know I won't but I can't help but think about it.

I am also wondering when my period will return. I have still been having some light yellowish loss but I only have to wear a liner. Yellow to me means that the healing process is nearly done. But I over the last couple of days I am left wondering if its only the physical healing process that is almost complete.

People ask me if I am ok and how I am going...And I usually reply with "i'm good" or "yeh I am ok, have my ups and downs". But yesterday I met with a group of my friends are a doula's and are pregnant or have newborns and are very much involved in the birthing community. At times I felt as though I would break down in their company but never let it spill over the edge.

One of them suggested we do a Closing the Bones ceremony with the Rebozo. I was quite shocked at first when she asked me if I wanted to do this as its usually a ritual that is performed on women postnatally. Not women who have had a miscarriage. But after some consideration I am now open to the idea. I am just worried that I will become a blubbering mess afterwards. So is this me still grieving but on the outside I am subconciously hiding the real emotion???

I am still in shock at how much this experience has effected me. Is this why it happened? So that I could experience what so many other women were experiecing? Will it make me a better birth worker? I think so. I think it will help me understand, sympathise and empathise so much more.

Anyhoo....I apologise if this is all over the place. I am really just thinking out aloud!