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I ask this as I see around me Women fairly newly single just pining after male/female relationships. I feel different sometimes as I just couldn't give a flying fratooshy...
I feel content on my own. I love being on my own. I love making my decisions, directing my life, caring for and supporting my kids, love my girlfriends - I feel trly happy!
What is it with this need to have a man around? Am I wierd? Am I in denial? Am I missing something?
I just don't get it!:rolleyes:
I'm not newly single, but I'm starting to get into the headspace that I want a more permanent partner. I don't need to have a man around. There are few more things I need to do for me before I will fully be in the headspace of "if a man comes into my life, then I am ready".
No you're not missing anything Inanna and you're not wierd or in denial. We're at different points in our life, I'd like a family now, you have an amazing family :)
Inanna, after the way your relationship broke down and the events that followed I am not suprised your content on your own kwim? I think for some women they really can't be alone, which isn't a bad thing I don't think. Different strokes for different folks. But then I think there are alot of other people who really are content not having to 'answer' to someone else and make your own decisions. I guess some people are just more capable of being independant than others. I don't think it's a bad thing not to need having someone around, shows your independant and can stand on your own too feet and imo, stronger in alot of ways especially when your a single mother!
OK, as you know I do have a husband LOL, but I think that you do reach a point when you need different things from life kwim? I know with my Mum, when her partner passed away a few months ago it was the first time she was single since she was 19 and she is 53 because she moved out a dead marriage with my father straight into the relationship with her partner, so all of her adult life has been spent with someone else in it and we were talking about it a little while ago and she said that she just can't see herself ending up with anyone else - not because he was the great love of her life and no one can replace him, but because she just doesn't feel that she needs someone in her life now. But by the same token I know of others who have separated and at the time they needed to be single to regain their identity, especially those that were in long relationships/marriages and once they were confident in who this 'new' person was they were ready to let other people into their life again ITMS.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmm.
Well I know I don't need one.
KL, I don't disagree with you, but I do think that anyone (man or woman) who believes they need one or cannot be alone are doing themselves a great disservice. I think if you can't stand on your own two feet alone - how can you really know? We all have strengths and weaknesses and parts of ourselves that are enhanced by having a partner for sure - but to assume you can't be alone is kinda sad.....and potentially dangerous iykwim?
Although you (collective) might prefer a partner or feel better for having one is 1 thing - knowing you are not going to DIE because you don't have one is another.
I dunno, I think sometimes it depends on what your definition of a partner is. I think a long time ago I thought a partner was supposed to be everything I wanted them to be. Now - I look at everything both people can bring to the table, and if I want someone to bring a certain amount of whatever to the table I want to bring that too.
and for me right now? I can't be arsed :rofl:
Ahh don't get me wrong lu... im not one of those people that 'can't be without' a man.. I absolutely love my partner, but before him I was very very independant and I was fine. Im just trying to explain maybe why *some* people feel like that.:
i had been in longterm relationships since i was 16..my first lasting for 3 years, then 2 weeks later i got with another man who i was with for 4 1/2 years...when that fell apart, i didn't know how to be on my own...didn't think i could. but managed, and ended up even going to live on my own, for that exact reason, i felt i needed to be able to do it, and felt i SHOULDN'T need/want a partner.
that only lasted 8 months when i met DH and have been with him since...but have to say i am a hell of alot less dependable on DH than I was with my exs.
I know i'm not currently single, and not who you were really aiming your question at...but oh well =P
I think it takes a bigger person to be how you feel - to be able to be alone, and be happy and content.
I think it's different for different people at different stages in life...I think if you feel you don't need or want a partner then awesome, go for it, but if you want and need one, awesome, go for that too. :)
oh no KL, (we get each other) - that's why I made a point of doing a collective yoooouu!
TBH I couldn't care either way. It just so happens that there's this guy who turned up in my life and he's great, and I want HIM to be around me. But if he'd never turned up, or anyone else equally fabulous, then there is NO way I would be settling for second best just for the sake of having a partner. If he disappeared for whatever reason, I'd be sad, I'd grieve the loss of him in my life, but I wouldn't actively go out new partner shopping.
Sometimes I miss being a single parent. No one to argue with, you're word is law, etc.
I can be without relationships but sometimes am way too willing to jump into them :(
Exactly how I feel! I do LOVE having my H and I love that I can share my life with him, my someone special. But it's because he's my someone special, not because he's just anyone.:
I think honestly long term I do want a partner. There was a movie once where one character said something about being the other person's witness. That has stuck with me. It's as though my is noticed and witnessed and remembered because my H is there to see it. So while I could be happy on my own (and was before meeting my H) I think in the back of my mind I would be *know* that I wouldn't want to be single forever.
ETA: Seems the quote is from "Shall we dance"... I don't remember ever watching that movie! :lol:
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
It just does my head in a bit... I get told constantly "you'll find a nice man" yadda yadda... What if I don't want one??? I am not sure I do at all - ever! I can't think of a single reason. Not one...
My life has got so much easier! I have peace. I don't have to explain anything. I dress for me. I wear hats. I WEAR HATS! I do it all for me now. It's great...
I am just hoping I am not denying anything big and huge that will come and bight my bottom... :lol:
I have seen very very very few relationships that I think : :mmmm they've got it grooving"... There is so much crap, so much dancing around truth & I just can't go back there ever again... I like sitting in bed with my tea, my lappy, my kid/s (there is always at least one!) my dog (she's not really a dog - she is a reincarnated Monk from Tibet :lol:), a book... I LOVE IT!
I don't have room for dancing around truth - I only want enhancement & I don't know if I'm cynical but I see very few relationships that are truly enhancing... *hiding from the books being thrown at me*...
Great thread Inanna. I was going to post something similar recently. I truly think I would be a better/happier (not really sure what words I would user here) without a partner. I was single for 38 years and never really "looked" for relationships, then DP came along, then DD. DP and I have been together 10 years . Maybe he is just not the "right" person for me but if he wasn't around anymore there is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I would go looking for someone else. I know I would be happy with just me and DD.
A few gorgeous single friends I have say they are single as they want someone who is going to "add" something to their lives and they have never found that. I think that is similar to what you say about "enhancement".
Been hit by any low flying books yet?
I often look at my single friends who are so desperate for a boyfriend and think why?
While i love my DP very much, sometimes id just like to be able to make my own decisions and do what i want. But then at the same time i have been with him since i was 15, hes my first serious relationship and i don't think i would know how to be alone and i hope to never be alone.
I don't think i am very independant, i am so dependant on him and i honestly hate it. When we first got together i couldn't stand being away from him, i would get emotional and to this day i get the same. As a manager he often has conferences interstate and i get sooky when he leaves i feel like i can't function without him.
So the answer to your question would be that in my case i need him.
IMO You need to be able to reach the point of knowing you don't need a man and knowing that you can survive without one to actually be secure in any relationship with a man. Otherwise the chances of you becoming compromised increase IMO. No one needs a man. Ever. If you have one and you enjoy them Kudos to you, but if you need one you shouldn't be in a realtionship with one.
I'm very newly single and I've decided that whatever happens, I am NOT going to date for the rest of the year because I need time to rediscover who I am and get my own life together. As great as I feel finally being free of the abusive relationship I was in, I can imagine that if I got into a relationship too soon I'd be emotionally vulnerable and if the new relationship didn't work out I could be heartbroken and unable to cope. So basically I want to be physically, mentally and emotionally independent before I would even consider dating. I don't really miss having a partner but I do miss nookie XD
Really quick from me (past my bed time and all) I am in a relationship - we have been together 7 years and i have had a few long relationships prior to this one but I can honestly say that I have always been of a mindset of whatever happens happens - i am really happy to be on my own (i LOVE the independence of it) but at the same time it is great to have someone to share lifes moments with, someone you know inside-out.
I dont like the idea of women/men NEEDING a partner to feel complete but hey who am i to judge?
I think - if i look back- I have always ended up falling into another relationship not to long after one has ended. Life is what it is enjoy it gals! LOL!!
I'd like to say that with regards to my post last night it was late... and I should have said man/woman or partner ;) LOL!
For me I think it is about having a healthy sense of 'self' in or out of relationships. I was single for 4 years with my two girls and felt that I was really connecting with who I am and how I am in the world. I really felt the same way, why be in a relationship? I knew that if I was ever with someone again, I wanted to walk 'with love' with my new partner not to be head over heels 'in love' because even that term being 'in love' shows a picture of being in the other and not holding onto yourself. I was blessed to meet a man that had these same pictures that I had, and after I met him, I had to really work on finding the balance of him and us and me, and how that all worked so that we both felt that balance, and the children were beautifully held in the middle of that. I am so blessed to be in a relationship that is consciously working with a freedom to speak, and held with this love that is empowering, not needy or clingly or fearful. It is a daily working progress!
I've been thinking about this a bit lately too. I am really content with my life and so happy with the things in it...and I want to share that. I think having someone (the right someone) there to experience things as you do can make the experience so much better. For example, yesterday I took my kids to this big winery, we had a BLAST, played football, frisbee, drank wine (well I did lol) and I left feeling so happy and content. Then I started to feel really sad and I couldn't figure it out till I realised that it was because I wanted someone there to share it with me. To put their arm around me and sit back with laughing about how cute the kdis were being...
So, no I don't need a partner to be happy but I think some things can be made a lot more fulfilling when you have an adult to share them with.
Anney surprisingly not yet - no books this way!!!! :rofl:
I don't even miss sex. Not because I don't like sex but sex for me is an extension of my feelings for the man (in my case) in my life. So I don't feel like sex I feel like sex with the man that rings my bells iykwim? I even feel different there. As some people just want sex - but sex for me has to have connection, emotion, ritual etc. Not just random physical bonking... (for me I'm not saying it's right or wromng - just explaining from my perspective *dodging books here*).
I understand cQ - when my FWEXH left when my first DD was a baby I felt very much like you the sadness - but now I just feel whatever is the feeling in that moment. I don't want a partner I guess that adds to my work load (it's massive enough with 4 little ones). I don't have the energy to give to another human being intimately either. I also am self sufficient. If I need a chat I call a friend or drop over or ask them over. I have men in my life that give me man hugs - as there is nothing quite like those big arms to squeeze you. But I don't want to give up what I have. I have independence, freedom, complete happiness. However there is a part of me that would like to show my kids what a truly functioning relationship can look like. That's a gift I think that few kids get an I'd like to be able to do that. However, as for going out looking for it - bah.... I couldn't be arsed. It would have to knock on my door with a clean bill of psychological health!
It's good to hear I'm not a complete wierdo!!!!
I have been single for about 14 months now and i LOVE it.
Im the opposite - i cant imagine sharing my life with someone else, i just dont understand how they will fit in.
I love being responsible for everything, I hate depending on other people.
The only thing i miss is the company, I mean yeah sure ive got male/female friends who i can talk to etc but i miss the intimate part :(
I know what you mean. I actually can't imagine having someone live with me, and trying to share control over my life...what I miss and want is dating (well I am dating...but a boyfriend) someone that I see when i'm free and someone to share nice times with. Not someone to come in and take over my life hells NO!!!!!
I know I don't need a partner & I can survive without one :):
There are certain things that I miss, yes I get bits of them from different friends (both male and female) but it would be nice to get a proportion of it from one person.
At this time in my life.. No defiantly not, i'm at a stage in my life where i'm wanting to find me, and explore the things that i love and achieve the things i want for myself..honestly i don't have the time nor the patience for a relationship! Sure i miss the intimacy, the little things of having someone 'there' that loves you, but i at the moment i am not in a great place to give myself to anyone but my daughter. I need to focus on me and my daughter and at the moment i'm fine with that. Yeah one day maybe..but im not holding my breath!
im with laura, i love being single. i make the decisions, nobody to answer to, its great! but i do miss having someone to cuddle and 'stuf' lol but i have found a good FWB ... but having said that i struggle to keep the balance between being FWB and dating. he is very non commital and that suits me fine cause then i dont sit there thinking 'why wont he date me'
but having a partner shouldn't be about control - or giving up cups of tea in bed! Noooooooooooo oooooooo - perish the thought!
One of the things I miss about xp was the way he used to bring me endless cups of tea in bed and keep the kids out of my hair on a Sunday. *sigh
You are absolutely correct Lulu! For me though my experience has been that it has been! I feel more "me" than I have for years. I love that I can do what I want without having to consider a partner & right now I prefer that to making room for someone else!!!
However, a healthy relationship is for me one that enhances my life - it's been a very very long time since I've had that in an intimate relationship with a man... :wall:
:yeahthat: OMG. Cleverest thing anyone has ever said.:
Hhhhmmm........ Maybe I am bias because I am happily married and have been in the same relationship for the past 12yrs (since I was 16).
I KNOW I don't need a man. I know I can survive quite capably without one, I could be happy without one. BUT to me there is nothing better then having someone there through thick and thin to share your life with, grow old with and share memories and history with.
I wouldn't ever 'settle' for just anyone, for fear of having no-one. I would rather be by myself, then with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. BUT no matter how happy I was by myself I would 'want' a partner along side me to share that happiness. My partner IS my best friend, my confidant, the person who makes the good parts of life that much better and the bad parts bearable.
It is like being in a cafe and having a choice of cakes. There is the decidant fabulous chocolate mud cake. Delicious in its own right. This is my happy competent life. And then there is the freshly whipped cream added on top. Not much on its own, but when added to the cake, just makes it all that much better. This is my other half.
Do I 'need' a partner??? I can survive without one. I can be happy without one. But I cannot ever imagine not 'wanting' that someone special to share my life with. If, heaven forbid, something were ever to happen to my DH and I was left alone, I imagine that eventually I would want and be looking for another to share my life with. And I would hope that If something were to happen to me, that DH would find someone else who understands and appreciates the person that he is (albeit she would not be as fabulous as myself).
goooooood thread and something i have spent much time pondering lately too Ianna.
I agree with ROuges first post, it is EXACTLY what i believe.
With XH I used to be so dependant on him that I would panic without him and the thought of him ever dying would keep me awake at night casue i thought i couln't possible live without him. GOsh how scarily unhealthy that was!
I have been really seriously F'd around by XH for some time now so right atm I have no desire to be in another relationship for at least a couple of years. BUT, I really do so look forward to start dating again at some stage in the future when i am strong and successful in my own right. I look forward to experiencing those lusty feelings again. And cause I only got to have 1 of the 3 babies i wanted to have I feel like I hope to have those babies with a wonderful guy some day. But by the same token, the thought of lettinga man into my life again does kinda fill me with dread, but i think thats cause im right int he thick of a messy X situation right now.
atm i have a F buddy. We only call on each other every few weeks and a lot of the time i turn him down cause i have DS with me. But I do so enjoy having that closeness with a male now and again. It is a bit of fun and i know it will never go further than Fbuddies cause he is so NOT what i would look for in a partner and he feels the same way about me, so knowing that there is no feling there is great, no confusion. However, I dont know that i will continue with the F buddy for the reason that I feel i should be strong enough and secure enough to be able to be without male attention for a couple of years while i soul search and build myself up. So i am just hoping that he doesnt put him self up on offer to me on a night when im feeling 'weak' ;)
We definately dont need men. The only thing I need men for is to give DS a male influence (my Dad does a brilliant job of that). Hey, i pay for my lawns and garden to be maintained each fortnight, and she is a woman :D I dont need a man for that!
Wihtout a man i do miss sex, but i wonder if really i miss the male attention and confidence boost. if that is the case i have plenty more growing to do before i can even entertain the thought of letting another man into my life.
I do sometimes imagine my future and when i do, I imagine buying my own house by myself with my own money, travelling the world with friends, I dont ever imagine being married again....
blah blah blah!! LOL Ianna you really got me thinking with this one!
I don't think you are a "weirdo" at all Innana :hug:
My greatest role model, my paternal Grandmother (who features heavily in my blog LOL) lost her much loved husband when he was in his 50s to a heart attack. She never remarried and to my knowledge never was intimate with a man in her life from that point onward. But oh my she had a full life with lots of travel (around Australia and abroad) and lots of friends and a very full social life to the very end of her days. She lived to her late 80s and passed away essentially of age related conditions after surviving cancer. So that was about 30 years of Singledom. And she would have had to have been the most content, beautiful (inside and out) cheerful rock of stability I have ever known.
The other side of the coin is my own mother. Divorced my father when I was 12 (back in 1982) to live with an abusive alcoholic for 5 years, then after she left him had partner after partner few lasting beyond a year or two. She managed to make it clear to me that life was hard for a woman if you didn't have a man. I was sceptical. To make sure she was never man-less she would lower her standards until it became ridiculous. She fell prey to every lone rogue she crossed paths with... lost her dignity and more than a sizable amount of money! Now she is nearing 70 and she is finally alone.... she is not happy about it but her life has settled down and is not the soap opera that it used to be. She keeps herself busy and seems to have a very active social life. We don't get along very well but I do wish her well and hope that manages to see the glass half full side of things.
Me? I have thought about what i would do if anything happened between DH and I. Even before reading this thread I had decided that I would take my time before getting involved with another man maybe to the point of it never happening. Not because it isn't working with DH, but because I feel in tune with my Nana and also love my own company and feel no pressure to complete my life with "another half". I feel capable of being a complete entity in myself. I also don't miss physical intimacy when I'm not involved with a person... I have been single between boyfriends and dealt with celibacy very easily. And yes... if I ever did 'pair up' again it would have to be with a pretty amazing kind of person mental-health-wise. But who am I to ask for something that i myself can't offer? LOL Yep... neurotic and single... and that's ok by me :)
Sadly, I think my answer is...yes. I need to be married. Not long after DH and I were married, a friend of ours was killed in a motorbike accident, leaving his 23 year old wife a widow. I nearly had a breakdown, I found it impossible to distance myself from the thought, 'What if that had been me?' And the longer I'm married, the more sure I become that I couldn't cope as the woman I am without my DH. I am so different now compared to what I was, because of his unquestioning support - where else would I get that? I have days where I literally can't leave the house due to my anxiety, but HE can get me out. I can do things I would've avoided because HE is with me.
The silliest thing is, I remember being okay on my own, even happy. Different, not at all confident in myself, but okay. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him. But now, having been married and knowing the support - even apart from all the other things that come from a relationship - I don't think I could NOT be married. I know I'm scarily attached to Tim, and I am literally crying and shaking now, typing this out and thinking about what could happen if I didn't have him. He knows all this too, we've discussed it in the past. He once asked me if I would marry again and I told him that while I wouldn't actively be seeking anyone out, I feel like I'm the kind of person that NEEDS to be married. Whereas he is quite happy on his own.
I don't know, maybe if it actually happened and I was thrown into the situation I would cope better than I'm giving myself credit for. I just feel so safe, knowing that he's here. Not very emtionally developed I guess :)
I don't think any less of you for admitting that Berenice :hug: People are different. My DH is also the kind of person to need others around. He would remarry, I'm almost certain and that's ok by me (as long as she is good to my children of course). I can see in my own children hints of this difference. My eldest and my youngest are like my DH: people people! My middle child is more like me: enjoys his own company, actively seeks it out. Co incidentally (or not) my middle child is VERY similar (in both looks and 'ways') to my Nana! So maybe there is a genetic predisposition to all of this!?
I am naturall a more solitary person. I like being single. I like the freedom and the independence. I am however married. I wasn't going to get married until I met DH. We are very happy together. But naturally I know what I am and if there wasn't a DH (i.e. my exact one), I would be more than happy to be by myself (probably in the jungle somewhere lol).