Feel empty & numb!!!

I won't write too much at this stage, as I have so much work to catch up on!!! But I have lost the baby I wanted more than anything else in my life! Dh, has been so very kind, DD is confused & upset as I am.
Had a Xmas party y'day & everyone was "Congratulating us!!!!" I was a blubbering mess & 2 cousins have recently had babies & 3 cousins wives are heavily preg!
I just have massive breasts for no reason now!
I just want time to hurry up, so we can try again...
I have an U/S on Jan 4th (earliest we can get in!) to see how all is going... As on monday lunch time, I started bleeding heavily, went to hospital & spent the rest of the day there, hubby & Mum collected me that night, Maddy wanted to know where the baby was, we had to twell her it was not born, at that stage I was still preg, but had bad bleeding, was told to go home & bed rest, Tuesday I slept all day & Wed I saw my OB, he said all was Ok, but I needed to rest, that afternoon, I passed a lump, which I wook back to him on Thursday morning.... He is unsure, but no more sore Boobs, or ill feelings!!! I have had no pain, but bleeding stopped after passing the lump... He said I should have an U/S to confirm loss, but in 10+ days as I was so early preg... But can't get in until Jan 4th, so I guess I will know for certain then, but I just know!!!!!

I will be around again, but just feel lost & unsure which site to visit!!!
I will be around though!!!!

I will change my sig too!!!!! Soon!????

Tracey I'm so sorry. I hope you can find support and strength through your loved ones and friends.

MistyFying

Oh Barley. :hugs:

Sorry to hear about what you have been through. You will find great support amongst these forums so please feel free to vent as much as you like.

Love

Barley,

I am so sorry to read of your loss.
You are in my thoughts.


Love
Michelle

Barley,

Sincere thoughts and wishes to you and your fmaily. I'm sorry to hear of it all.

Hayseed

Barley

HUGS to you and your family.

I hope you are ok and that you get some definate answers soon.

Best wishes

So so sorry Barley for what you are going through. You are in my thoughts. I hope you get some answers soon.

Jo

Tracey so sorry to hear of your loss :hugs:

Tracey sorry to hear of your loss, What a pain for you to have to wait that long for a scan.

Take care
Trish

Tracey,
I am sooooo sorry to hear what you have just been through!
I hope you get through this ok.

Tanya

Tracey & Gede

Im so sorry to hear about your loss sweetheart. I know how much this meant to you and wish more than anything it hadnt have turned out this way. I wish there was something we could say to make it easier, but I know there isnt. Just know that you have a tonne of friends & support in here. :hugs:

Take care.


Keen

I honestly do not know what I would do without all of you Ladies.

You know a friend sat with me last week & told me in between her 2 daughters she lost twin boys at 19 wks. I had no idea...

She told me something that made me realise how I feel too...

This has taken away the innocence I had of..."this will never happen to me!"
I had never realised how we have that subconcious thought of things never happening to us, now that it has, I realise it can & did!!!!

She told me her following preg was a nightmare & when at 19 wks she started bleeding again, she was relieved thinking, well I knew this would happen. She went on to have a gorgeous daughter!!!!

We will try again...... Hopefully early next year!!!!

Thanks again!!!! I really needed you all!!!!!

Tracey am so very sorry to hear of your terrible loss. It is so not fair to lose something when we so badly want it. That is exactly how I felt when we lost our second child, a baby boy, at 18w5d. This was to be our family complete & all of a sudden it was not going to be. I also understand the taking away of the innocence of a PG, never again will I rest assured that all will be fine while I am PG.
Here's to all the support that you need to get through this time.

Oh Tracey, I really am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your little one.

I hope that you will lean on all of us for support so that we can help you through this difficult time.

Thinking of you.......

Oh Tracey, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I'll say some prayers for you and your family.

Tracey, I am so sorry for your loss. HUGE :hugs: to you, Gede and Maddison. If you need to talk at any time just remember we are all here for you and if you like you can always email me at any time. I am here for you.

IKWYM and your friend when she said it takes the innocence out of pg. I too thought it would never happen to me, but unfortunatley it did.

Take Care
:hugs: again

Love
Kazz
xoxoxo

Tracey

Must be so hard because you dont know for sure what is going on and what has happened. I hope that everything is ok and you can continue to steer clear of the chrissy drinks.

One thing I have thought of to tell you, and by no means is this meant to get your hopes up or suggest anything, but a friend of mine suffered from what the doctor termed vanishing twin syndrome. Apparently she was pg with twins and at about 10 weeks she appeared to miscarry (at that stage she didnt know she was pg with twins). The doctor confirmed via testing what she passed that she had indeed miscarried, but a followup u/s showed a foetus still there. Apparently is quite common, and is only becoming more apparent due to increasingly early u/s's.

However I really do hope that you have not mc'd at all and this is all just another one of those emotional rollercoaster big dippers.....

Hang in there & do your best to enjoy chrissy (easier said than done, I know).


Keen

Thanks,
I guess I really won't know for certain until they do the U/s...
But I just have this feeling, I will be elated if I am still preg, but I am not too hopeful or confident!!!!
I tell ya, I will be over the moon to have an U/s showing a healthy bubba, but I just don't feel it!?

I won't be partying anyways, we will be painting our new fence & gardening in our new home, we moved into it on Oct 4th..

We have really achieved alot in the last 12 months I must say...... I guess that's something to be proud of???

Tracey,

It is awful that they are making you wait until 4th Jan to find out what is going on.
Have you not thought about going to the emergancy dept ?
Wheni had both my m/c that is what i did and they sorted out a scan for me teh first time i went back the next day as the scan people had gone home. But the second time i went first thing and they took me for a scan that day.

Michelle,
I guess part of me is too terrified & hopefully by Jan 4th, I will be less of an emotional wreck....
As I was only just 5 weeks, so would have been only about 6 weeks today my Ob said there really would be no change in what we saw last time if I am preg & having lost it there'd be nothing, so he said best to wait until about 7+ weeks... So there'd be something to see, so when I called the place that he has referred me too, they only had a spot for today they close on Thursday & re open on Jan 3rd, so next appt is at 9:45am on the 4th...So I just agreed to that...

Tracey,
I hope the wait will not be to hard for you then.

I will be thinking of you on the 4th and praying that they end up seeing a HB.
It is such a stressful time for you right now and i hope that part of you will still enjoy the Christmas break. To take your mind of things for a while.

Big Hugs.

Well I have spoilt Gede & Maddy with Chrissie presents...
I am usually the money manager, but I just decided sometimes other things are more important!!!!

So I bought them heaps & to see them smile will brighten my day/s, week/s, months!!!!

We will keep busy, I will go to my sisters & will post my news!!!

Hi Tracey,
I'm just popping in to say that I am thinking of you.
I know how herd it must be not to know definately what is happening.
I hope the waiting isn't too hard on you. I know it doesn't look good but as the other girls have said, stranger things have happened. You may get good news. [-o<
Love
Layla

Tracey I'm so sorry to hear of your news. I will be thinking of you when you go for your scan.

DB and I went out and spent money (bought expensive sunglasses) on ourselves when we had our miscarriage. It does make you realise about what really is important in life.

I know this is different but when I found out Alana had Cystic Fibrosis I felt like my world had collapsed. Now everytime I look at her and she smiles and giggles I am the most thankful person to have such a beautiful girl. So I'm glad that you can also find happiness thinking of the smiles you will get from Gede and Maddy.

Big hugs!! and Good Luck!

Tracey, I am so sorry for your maybe loss. It is never a good time for this sort of thing, but I hope your family can support each other through the next 2 very tough weeks.
My thoughts are with you til your scan.
Fiona

Dear Tracey,
I am so very sorry to hear of your news... All of my thoughts and prayers are with you. [-o< ing for a good outcome at your appt on the 4th.
Please take care,

Tracey, I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this.
I really do hope that everything turns out to be fine, but you know that we are always here to help you however it turns out.

lots of {{{HUGS}}}

Love Jen

Tracey, Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and Gede and Maddison. Hope you get some definate answers soon.

Nic

Tracey, I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. Huge hugs to you. I am thinking of you and I hope the time goes quickly to your appt.

Take care.

Angel.

Tracey,

I too am thinking of you and am sorry to hear of what a difficult time you are going through at the moment. As the girls have said, lean on all of us whenever you need to.

:hugs:

Tracey,

I am so sorry to read about your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through but you are lucky to have Maddy and Gede by your side as well as the other great people on the forum. Next year will be a special time for you and Gede, and something to look forward to when you decide to TTC again. Keep you chin up and I hope you enjoy Christmas Day when you get to give the lots of presents you bought to Maddy and Gede.

Gemma.

Tracey, sweetheart I am so awfully sorry to hear of your loss. I haven't been online for a little while, and I was just terribly shocked & saddened when I read your post.
It is truly heartbreaking & unfair & such a difficult thing to comprehend. In the brief time I've known you in this wierd little alternate universe, I've felt some kind of a connection, possibly because we both have our beautiful daughters, but also because we seem to share some of the same opinions & ideas. So I was thrilled to hear of your pregnancy. And now I am so desperately disappointed for you, Gede & Maddy.
I'm trying to be careful that what I say isn't going to be painful to read for you, but I want you to know that I feel for you at this painful time.

Tracey, what I have learnt about you is that you're a strong, resilient woman with a big heart & a great sense of the joy in life. I have no doubt at all that you will get through this challenge & become an even more compassionate & brave person as a result, for yourself & for your family.
Please lean on us ladies in the m/c & loss forum, we'll all willingly offer whatever support we can.
Next year will bring a fresh start & your dreams will be fulfilled.
You & your beautiful family are in my thoughts & prayers.

Chi-Chi,
Your message this morning has really made my day.
I am feeling really positive about the New Year, the loss has brought us all much closer & made us appreciate each other & what we have so much more.

I cannot tell you in words how much you truly have given me strength this morning, as have all the Lovely Ladies I have received messages from or interacted with on the various threads!

I wish everyone so much health, happiness & pregnancies galore in the New Year!!!!!

'Truly from my Heart.... You are all Wonderful

Tracey,

I've been away from the chat for a while and didn't even pick it up when I was on last.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My love and thoughts are with you Gede and Maddison.

I hope your family loved all their Christmas presents and that you settle into a wonderful 2005.

PS. I read on another thread what a wonderful report Maddy had last year. What a clever, beautiful girl you've got.

Love,

Rachel

Thanks Rachel,

we are back on the band wagon!!!

Your kind words are truly appreciated......

thank-you

Tracey,

Would love to catch up sometime, I'm sure the girls would love it. What do you think?

Cheers.

Rachel

Sweet, I think it's a date!!

haven't had one of them for years!!!

here's my e-mail addy..
tracey.darmawan@ap.csplc.com

Trace,

I've sent you an email...

Let me know what you think! I'll be wearing a red carnation in my lapel so you know it's me! LOL

Cheers,

Rach