Are we being rude?

Hi Ladies, I have posted this somewhere else, but I thought I would post it here and get your opinions. I am happy to hear good/bad, I just have no idea what to do, and I don't want this to end as a negative experience.

DH and I moved interstate. All our family live on the other side of Australia. DH's Parents are together, mine are separated, and Dad is practically married (she will come too), so 3 sets of parents.
We know when we have Bubs they all want to be here, and as soon as they can. As Bubs never really arrive on time it is hard to give an exact date. I know they all want to come for approx 2 weeks, and will try make the most of their time here as it may be another 12 months before they are back. Which means everyone will be pulling and tugging at the bubs, and DH and I could feel like we are missing out on valuable time ourselves to bond.
I have thought about the fact that it is horrendous to think they can all stay at the same time, so how do we decide who can come 1st/2nd/3rd?? And if they all come at different times that's 6 whole weeks of non-stop having people in our house.

So when my Mother asked me for the Due Date as she needs to book time off work (well in advance for where she works) I explained a couple of things to her.

"As the scan showed Bubs 1 week less far along as we calculated, I would say go with their dates, as that's what they suggest. They allow you to go 10 days over, therefore I could go March 8th. How long do you plan on being here for? We are not sure how we are going to fit everyone"

She said "2 weeks, but I doubt your father would want to stay while I am there."
(So she automatically assumes she gets to stay 1st and everyone else works around her. Not fair in my opinion, they are all equal to me.)

I explained "We are kinda stuck, as we can not have you all stay at the same time. So you could all take turns, but who gets to come 1st/2nd/3rd? Someone has to be the one who waits 4 weeks longer than the others to get here, that's not fair. So we thought maybe to make it fair on everyone, including ourselves, you can all come whenever but you might all have to get accommodation. Otherwise I will have people here for 6 weeks straight, not what anyone wants when they have their 1st Baby."

Well I got the silent treatment (kinda normal with Mum when she hears something she does not like. And I let it ride out (no way I was filling that silence for her, I thought I was being fair.) Anyways, it maybe went on 5 minutes on the phone before I said that I was going then (made it clear I was not impressed) and she quickly tried filling the gap. I got off the phone anyways.

Are we being rude by expecting this? I mean if we lived there they would not be at our house for 2 weeks straight all at the same time, and they would not take turns to stay 2 weeks each one after the other. So I don't think it is fair that because we live over here, and they do not want to pay for accommodation that we have to suffer. I have not spoken to her about it since, but I know she is not happy about it, and I was wondering what you all thought.

Sorry this is so long, I just have no idea how I can make this a happy occasion for everyone, without upsetting anyone. And I have a friend who was in a similar situation with her little boy, she ended up sending her parents home earlier than they had booked, so they had to change flights, it all got too much for her.

Looking forward to hearing your responses :) thanks girls!

I think you're being 100% reasonable, my MIL came down 1st as she was here to have our girls while I was in hospital & help out when I came home as I had a C-section.
it was easter 2 weeks later so my mum came down then MIL left when my parents arrived.
My dad pfft well he didnt even come down, nor did he send a card, he met DS when I ran into hin in the stree when he was 11 months old and we were on holidays down home.

Stand your ground and do it your way.

I think you are being very very reasonable. This is a difficult situation and with 3 sets of parents, probably the first of many. I am so glad you stood your ground, the time to bond with your child is so important and you can't get those early weeks back. Good on you.

Sounds good and reasonable to me too. It would make it so much easier for you if everyone can find their own accommodation. That way you can control your visiting hours a little and also get time with you new baby. It's not fair if everyone else gets all those newborn hugs!

just a suggestion, would u be able to go to them a few weeks after baby is born say for a week or so??
that way u get good bonding time with ur baby, which is so so so important, and u wont have to entertain ppl for 6 weeks straight??

You are being completely reasonable and should stick to your guns. My parents are separated and don't like to be around each other and I certainly did not want my parents hanging around for weeks on end. My husband and I wanted to share our time with our new baby- not entertain people for weeks.

For this reason I was completely blunt with my family and friends regarding visiting etc. I may have offended them but hey- my baby comes first.

I told my mum if she really wanted to meet her grandchild she would have to tolerate being around dad otherwise she will have to wait a couple of weeks before meeting her grandchild. I also told everyone there would be no one staying over etc- we all need our space.

Anyways- it all worked out and we had our time with our baby and shared her too. Don't let anyone steal this precious time from you. Your baby, your terms!

Good luck

It's a tricky situation but I agree with the previous posters - this is your special time. You won't get those early weeks back. I'd be telling them all to arrange accommodation elsewhere.

My sister was in a similar situation with her DS. She was in England when he was born, everyone was back here. So my mum booked flights for 1 week after he due date to stay for one week and her IL's book two weeks later for one week. That way everyone got to see her DS when he was little but my sister and her DH got time to them selves as well.

Do it your way. It is your baby, your home and your family. GL

good on your babybino for standing up for yourself. dh and I have committed to not having any visitors until we are good and ready, we may not even tell them bubs has been born for a few days just to make sure they don't arrive at the hospital or rock up at home uninvited. We are having 2 months just for the 3 of us. my parents live interstate and will be arriving in the area 2 weeks after bubs due date. They are not staying with us and will probably only come over a few times and even then only for an hour or 2 at a time but we don't feel bad telling them we are going to bed or bubs needs a feed or simply go away we'll see you tomorrow etc dh's parents are seperated but they both live within an hour of us and will want to come around often I'd say but again they can come over once a week for an hour or so or whenever we want but we will only be making plans with people (including my parents) on the day just in case we don't feel like seeing anyone. This might all sound extreme and we have considered that family may feel like we are not allowing them into our lives or to share the joy of the new baby but we consider our baby bonding time to be more important than any of 'their' needs. They had their children and had them their way, we get to do it our way, I couldn't think of anything worse than having visitors for 6 weeks following the birth.

No way thats not fair for you to have people for 6 weeks!!
You have offered very reasonable suggestions.

I aggree with previous posters, and also like idea of you travelling to visit that way you can control where you go and when and for how long (not ideal but means you dont have people for 6 weeks.)

Good luck stand your ground!

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It's a tricky situation but I agree with the previous posters - this is your special time. You won't get those early weeks back. I'd be telling them all to arrange accommodation elsewhere.

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:yeahthat:

We told everyone when we had our first, that everyone was welcome to visit, but that they would need to find a hotel or something to stay at. I think it is perfectly reasonable.

In our situation, what ended up happening was FIL came up for a couple of days - stayed in a local cheap boarding house; My parents came up for a week and stayed in a hotel, my sisters stayed at friends houses; and my MIL chose not to visit straight away (due to lack of funds) and visited us a couple of months later for 3 weeks. MIL grumbled a little when we told her we didn't want anyone staying, but couldn't really argue as none of the other parents were 'allowed' either.

Hi Babybino

First off, congratulations. Lots of sticky vibes for you.

I think you are being very reasonable, not only will you need the time for you, DH and baby to get used to being a family, you will also be very tired from all the disturbed nights and the last thing you will want to deal with is a string of people staying with you either trying to 'help' or demanding your attention.

You stick to what you want and don't let them make you feel bad about it, this is your time and you need to do what is right for you and they should understand that.

Good luck and I hope everything sorts itself out for you soon

*hugs*

I agree, you're not being unreasonable at all, in fact when I started reading the story the first thought that jumped to my mind was, "Why can't they all stay in motels and get over it?" :)

Stick to your guns, hon.

Gosh I feel for you... you are in a spot that so many people find themselves in and find it hard to work out what to do. In fact t took me until my third baby before I found the voice and words for our needs not the needs of everyone else. First, this is not about anyone else, except you, your partner and your baby. You really need to sit with what you think is gong to be right for you, perhaps you may change your mind, and that is difficult when people have to book, but that is not your worry to deal with. If you feel that they need to stay elsewhere, then perhaps you can suggest that. Whatever you come up with, it's best to tell the parents etc the plan ad make it clear now so it doesn't get all crossed over in communication later. Whatever you decide, is not negotiable, you are not asking their opinion you are suggesting the time frame and again, that is for them to deal with. You can't be pleasing everyone, there is no such thing! And you are not being selfish by asking for what you need, newborn phase flies by and it is a tricky time, to be worried about everyone else in that time is not going to do you any good. I used to worry about if they got enough cuddles etc, but with my last baby, most people did not get to even hold her when they visited, even the in laws who travelled to come and see us. Not because I was trying to **** them off or anything, I was trying to adjust to a NEW baby, and the best way to do that is to be with it as much as you can. Yes, pass them around when you need a break!
Anyway, I hope you find the courage to stand behind your intuition and let your family know what you need. Their reactions need to be taken to their own friends to talk about, not you, you need to be protected and supported as you walk your first steps into motherhood.
Go Well x

This is the one time in your life when you are well justified to put yourself and your little family first!

Well done for setting rules up and trying to be reasonable about visits, now it is the turn of your parents and ILs to be reasonable.

If it were me, I would push for the 'find your own accommodation' rule or at least not allow visitors back to back. I would also implement a rule that any visitors complete a list of tasks while visiting like preparing all meals, folding all laundry, doing groceries... etc. This is not a holiday for family but a babymoon for you guys ;)

Its always hard when you want that special time to yourself but EVERYONE else thinks they are also "entitled" to be there. Good on you for standing your ground.I would make it perfectly clear that they are all welcome to come over (even if its at the same time) BUT they ALL must book their own accommodation and check with you on suitable days for visiting.
I personally dislike the idea of you going to them with such a young baby, I recall what I was like and the first six weeks I was a walking zombie there was no way I was up for visiting other people or travelling even 30 min let alone flying to another State ... thats just my personal opinion.
You might find that some people think they are the "exception to the rule" so you will need to be strong but polite about other people respecting your wishes. I didn't want ANYONE but DH the day DD was born to visit but ended up with MIL, SIL and my mother all at once. I was soooooooooo tired and really did not want them there. I even hinted they had out stayed their welcome but my comments were ignored.
I know it seems impossible now but I think the way to go is to let them come whenever they like, stay in their own accommodation and have scheduled visits with you and bub, some days you may want them to visit lots, other days you might not want to see anyone, so doing it this way you'll be able to have the time with each of the family members and time to yourself.
hugs Nae x x

Wow Ladies, thank you so much for your responses, you have truly made me feel like I am not a massive Dragon. In all honesty we would not fly to them maybe for Christmas or something, but not straight away. I think after a big discussion last night with DH we might keep thinking about it, and when we have the scan next Thursday (eeeeekkkkkk, so close) we will call them all with the news, and discuss the plan with them then. I am thinking maybe we will ask exactly what dates they want to come for, and how long they intend on staying for. I will then tell them I will need to get back to them on that one, and discuss options with DH. Then call them back and tell them sadly this is the way it is going to have to go, like it or leave it. I have everything crossed I get a better reaction from them than what I did from my Mother last time, but if not then I have the right to tell them to change their tune or NO-ONE will come. I guess I am just hurt that certain people just "assume" they are more important than the others, and never once asked what we would like. Rather they would just go ahead and plan what is happening off their own backs.

Oh well, should be interesting next week, I'll let you all know how it goes :) thank you so much for helping, I really appreciate it x

I feel for you, similar things have been said at certain times in my life too and they must realise you are not on anyones "side" but your own.... I really thought having my Dad would be ok in the first week but it ended up that I hated it and resented the intrusion...I was trying to bf and was just wanting me and dh to bond with our baby and a 3rd person was imo crashing our party. You can cope in the first weeks without them if thats what you want. I actually think it would have been sooo much easier on our own, eating when we could rather than making sure everyone was happy. I just feel really strongly about this as you dont need to enrtertain anyone, they should respect your personal space and get accommodation elsewhere...all of them..

i think you have every right to say you dont want all those people all at once or spread out over six weeks. just be firm and stand up for yourself!! its such an important time with your bubs. i think its fair to say that instead of picking who can either come first or stay at yours they should all get thier own accom, it will be nice to have a bit of help but for them all to be there in you house for so long will no doubt drive you crazy and take away from that time with your bub and DH!!!!
good luck and in the end they will understand and will be so taken with the new baby they probably wont care at the time anyway!!!!

goodluck :goodluck: :)

I totally agree with the others and think you are being very reasonable. In fact, when I was halfway through your post I thought 'why don't they all just come whenever and all stay in some sort of accommodation so you can have your space and not have people there fore ages?'. I was amused to read a few lines later that this is exactly what you suggested. Yes, people might not be happy but I'm sure that if they thought about it reasonably they wouldn't like to have people staying with them for 6 weeks straight even WITHOUT having a new baby to bond with and learn to care for as well. Like it or lump it I say ;)

I totally agree with everyone else. This is yours & DH's time to bond as a family with your new bub, not theirs... Not unreasonable at all! I'd be telling them bub is due later than what he/she is (as I said in our BB group) (to give you some time together 1st)and I'd also get them to find their own accommodation, (maybe just suggest an acceptable place nearby with ph# that gets you out of telling them straight) and tell them all the same date to come so thats only 2 weeks of 3 lots of visitors instead of 6 weeks. Get it all over & done with I say, then you can get on with your bonding!! Good luck with it, I hope it all turns out with what ever you decide to do, & atleast if you get frustrated while they are there, you can always come on here to vent!! GL with your scan this week, I can't wait to hear all about it!!

unfortunately im in the same situation except i only have 2 sets of parents coming not 3 DPs parents booked their flights without even consulting me and asking me how i felt which i almost blew up about. i feel i need those first few weeks to bond with bub as well and would love if it could just be the 3 of us for a week or so and i told my mum this and she completely agreed however with the ILs having already booked there flights i told mum she had to come as well as i think my IL will drive me INSANE if i dont have my mum there to vent to. i told the ILs they had to make other arrangements for accomodation and not to expect ANYTHING from me or DP host wise.

it really is a sucky situation and i know that all u want to do is make everybody happy. however this is your first baby and u are brand new at this and hormones and everything are going to be flying. make sure u put urs and ur babies needs before anyone elses. i think its best if they all want to come at the same time that they need to organise other accomodation and not to expect anything from you.

best of luck with everything. i hope it works out for you

Can you say that you don't want anyone for the first 2weeks or so? Baby will still be a newborn and as tiny.

I think you are being TOO accomadating LOL

We live 16 hours away from our families, and when we had DS they all wanted to come up ASAP to see him. I did not want to be rude but I did not want guests right away and so I was very honest. I told them all that we wanted 3 weeks to be alone as a family and get used to everything before any out of town visitors came up. I also limited their stays to 1 week (with no overlap) so that everyone could come up but we were not constantly entertaining people. By 3weeks I was happy to share DS and since I was BF I still got to snuggle him lots.

With DD no one even asked to come early, they all knew to wait a few weeks before booking trips and we made it first booked first come. My sister booked her tickets first so I told everyone else to avoid those dates, then DH's parents and sister booked so I told my dad to avoid those dates. He's a bit disappointed as now he hasa to wait until early Sept to come up but he's not mad at me or anything (it's his fault he didn't book anything) and he'll get to visit with her when she's still small but a bit more interactive.

Can you do something similar? Tell your families you want a few weeks to yourselves to adjust to your new routines before people come visit (I told anyone who was over eager to get here that having a baby was pretty overwhelming and we needed some space) Then tell them 2 weeks is WAY too long for a visit when there are 3 families waiting to come, and that they need to limit their stays to 1 week? If you want to rotate them, you could decide who comes up 1st/2nd/3rd by drawing names out of a hat. Then that is only 3 weeks you will have visitors. If they don't like this then they don't have to come.

I'll just spew my personal experience and allow you to make and take of it as you wish.
My DP and my mother were in the room for my birth, I was induced 3 weeks early also but completely packed and set up for baby. Induction was no shock.
Prior to my birth I was hopitalised, every hour of evey day I had a FAMILY visitor. AND that was after telling the 2/3's to nick off! In our family, this baby belonged to others as well, afterall it does take a village to raise a child. BUT it belonged to us the most and so did this time. At each visit our guest only stayed a short time.

After the birth of Harper Jewel I had a VERY tough time physically, which made adjusting to my new role more challenging. Although I begrudged it initially I soon came to appreciate the little visits and help that came from each loved one/guest. I did become very ANNOYED at particular visitors who tried to 'teach' me or came to 'waste' my time with hours of ****-chat. There was ony one, and they got the subtle msg quick enough.

Allow others the opportunity to share this time as well, BUT above all you need to be comfortable. Set boundaries. This is YOUR time.

Enjoy, its so magical.

How about telling them that you are setting hospital hours and they may visit in those hours only. That way they can only stay for a couple of hours at a time and you guys still get heaps of family time together. Also the separate accommodation is a great idea.

It was detrimental to my relationship with DS worrying about everyone else.... post more later sorry

I don't think you're being rude at all. I would think your mums initial reaction was just disappointment. Hopefully she'll get over that though and look at the bigger picture and the logistics of dealing with so many visitors. It wouldn't hurt to acknowledge the disappointment when explaining to everyone, but they should be able to understand the position your in and put that first, and realise they're not being singled out to miss out on staying with you.

I think the accommodation thing is a great idea. Or stagger the visits over a few months with the agreement there'll be lots of photos and videos made available in the mean time. While it's lovely to see a brand new baby.. they are kinda boring LOL... the visitors that come at 3 or 4 months would have more fun with the baby ;)

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I guess I just have one of those families that are a tad hard to deal with. And the fact that we are not close with my Mother makes it hard, as she is the one wanting to come first and stay for 2 weeks etc.

I mentioned it the other day, and explained that as I was given a different due date at the dating scan to what I got at the 12 week scan, I will discuss this with the Doctor on Tuesday (today) and ask him which due date they will go by when it comes to inducing, or letting me go over by etc. I then explained that once he does that, I will say work out when would be the latest they will let me go over, and add on some time for DH and I to get used to it all, and then tell her when would suit to come over and stay. I did get a quiet tone on the end of the phone, but not as bad as the last time. I had the Doctors today who said even though the 12 week scan showed my original due dates were right, they still want to go by the 7.5 week dating scan dates. So I called Mum and said "Ok, so they say my EDD is 26th Feb, with the possibility of going 10 days over, plus adding on 1.5 weeks for DH and I to settle down before ANYONE stays. It would be great if you could be there from the 8th March onwards. If I go earlier then it just means we will be even more settled by the time you get there. And once DH goes back to work I will probably be grateful for the help." I think she is ok with it, and I am guessing she has spoken to friends about it as she said she will probably only stay for 1 week now (Yay, that sounds better than 2).

Thanks so much everyone for making me feel more comfortable with our decision. Sometimes it is hard when our family act like children and make us feel like we are being nasty, when really we are being realistic. I appreciate all of your advice :)

Sorry I haven't read all the replies but all I can say is that this is your baby. You created the special one and you are going to be looking after him/her so you need time to get used to it all. The early days are so special and tiring that you need to really embrace it all. As lovely as it is having other people around to share the love, you also don't want to feel pressure of keeping anyone else happy aside from youself and your little one.

My MIL & FIL live in the UK and didn't come to meet our man until he was 3 months. Both parties decided that any earlier it would be a waste as the baby doesn't interact much. Given the distance it's not like they can come to visit often. Perhaps you can play this card? "The longer the leave it the more love you'll get" Personally as much as it would kill them to wait 6 weeks to meet him/her when they are the first to see one of the first smiles, it will be worth it.

Good Luck!

xxx

UGH. Who wants to entertain guests for 6 weeks straight, let alone while you're 41 weeks pregnant or after you've had a baby. That would be really irritating! If you want them around but not in your face, tell them to stay in a motel. That's not unreasonable. You're going to have enough going on without having to deal with a house full of well-meaning but probably totally overbearing and annoying visitors, while trying to manage a newborn, baby blues etc. Plus who do you choose?!?!?! Yes she's your mum but your MIL is your partners mum, who honestly is just as equal in this situation. She's a grandmother too.

The only exceptionwould be if you had a REALLY awesome family member who you knew would be supportive, helpful, and knew their place in your new little family. Then I'd let them stay, cos sometimes you do want/need the help in that first stage, even if it is to just go have a shower!

Just a question though, are any of them going to be a birth partner? Is that what your mum is assuming/expecting?