Convincing the Man

Hi girls,

I'm in the need of a little :help: .

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we had 'THE' discussion a while back about when we'd start trying for our first bubba. He definetly wants to have kids - that's not the problem. He wants to wait until we are financially secure :eek: . In my eyes this ain't ever going to happen (not until we are about 60 maybe). I'm not worried about the finances as such as you always make do on what you have. You just adjust. But trying to convince DP of this is like :wall: . I know he thinks about having our kids as he always brings up little things and he melts when he sees a little baby or kid in the shops (very cute I must say!).

When I bring it up he usually says that he wants to wait until we have paid more off the mortgage and that we can't live off one wage and that he doesn't want to work OT all the time. I am the biggest budget queen. On a bad month we have about $1000 left over. Our mortgage is a whopping $3200 a month!! But to me, the mortgage is still going to be there in 10 years time. No - we can't live off one wage but my plan would be to go straight back to work after the baby. We have two cars that we both love and are doing up at the moment and those are his babies. In september or february next year I will be made redundant from my current job (I'm very happy!) which is another thing against my quest for the baby! I think that his biggest worry of all is not getting his cars done. (About 2 months ago it was only one car being done up but now there is two). I want the cars done as well but I want a bubba now too. I can't really stand it at the moment. I worry that I'm getting old and that I won't work. DPs comment to that is not to worry - that it will happen straight away. I really don't think he quite understands that it's such a slim chance each month and that so many people have problems.
I really just don't know when he will think that it's a good time. Will it be a good time next year or in 5 years? I'm really at a loss about trying to convince him to just chill a little and not worry so much. To me when you have kids it's not like your life has ended and you can't enjoy yourself and have fun anymore. It's all just the beginning!!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. DP is very stubborn and he's always right IYKWIM! It seems like all the odds are stacked against me and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry this is soooooooo long.

this sure is a tricky situation peachy!

at the end of the day, males are males! and there is nothing we can do about that.

i think you just really need to sit him down and try to explain that this is what you really want and what you feel is best to start trying now.

Explain to him that yes a lot of people do have problems conceiving. I am only 21 and I cant conceive after 24 months of trying and these odds decrease as you get older.

I hope he changes his mind and I hope you announce you BFP very soon.

Do you want me to talk to him? hehe

Hi Peachy! :hello:

Sorry to hear you're in a pickle with your DP :hugs:

Danni is right, you really need to sit DP down and have a good chat. Many people have the misconception that they'll fall pregnant straight away. Have a good look around these forums and you'll see that couldn't be further from the truth for a lot of women! There is a slim chance of falling pregnant each cycle and for many couples it will take longer than a year. In fact, up to a year of trying is considered normal!

Regarding finances, my DH and I were in the same boat. I was actually the one that was more hesitant about our money situation than he was! LOL In the end I said stuff it, if we wait until we're financially secure we'll NEVER have babies! So I threw away my pills and hey presto, I was pregnant a few months later! LOL And we couldn't be happier. Sure we'll have to cut back on luxuries. But to us, NOTHING is more important than having a family.

As a wise woman said on BB, babies can be as cheap or as expensive as you like. You'll always find a way to get by. Thousands of couples do every day so why should you be any different. Tell your DP you can make it work!

I hope to see you in the TTC threads very soon! All the best! :hug:

Love
Goldilocks
-xxxooo-

Peachy - I totally agree with what Danni and Goldilocks have said, so i won't go into it any more.....i suppose the other thing you could do is just go off the pill (or stop whatever contraception you are using) and tell him that it was an 'accident'. He'll be stoked anyway....hehehe...i'm a naughty girl.....GO TALK TO HIM AGAIN!!!!

He's an absolute twit and I hate him.

Oh, sorry, that's my DH, who is EXACTLY the same. B@$t@rd. We've been together over five years and married for over one and a half.

Sorry, just a bit ranty about this: My DH thinks I can't budget because the loan for HIS car eats up so much money. He doesn't understand I get a year of maternity payments, which is at about 70% of my wage. He wants to be more "secure", but he'll be less so if he annoys me again and I leave him because he makes me feel worthless that I'm not good enough to bear his children. I hate him.

Normally I don't hate him, just your post reminds me of all the bad things about my DH!

Oh, I'm never going to have children now! I'm already at 80% fertility and falling, DH is on about moving house in 3-4 years before we TTC, I have stupidly long cycles: I bet he's going to wait until I'm dead then meet some stupid young thing who marries him for money and breeds with her. As for stupid cars... if he can afford £2000 on a gearbox and £400 on an exaust and all the rest we can afford a baby! I mean, they cost nothing for the first nine months (I already have a lot of my maternity wear - or at least stuff I can use as maternity wear as my mum still buys me clothes to grow into every Christmas), our parents want to buy baby things, and it's not like they come with a huge food bill at first. I hate my DH and I'm going to die barren and childless. Oooh, I need a "proper" job, because clearly having a good pension, job security, lots of holiday and great antenatal care and a wonderful creche, not to mention part-time availability when I return, isn't the reason I took this job. What's so wrong with me that we can't have children?

OK, I understand that when we've paid off the car loan and changed the mortgage we'll be better off by about £300 a month - less than what I'll be losing on maternity payments. And it's easier to change the mortgage with no dependants. And we'll need a car with back seats when we have a baby and DH won't sell the car to pay off the loan on it, nor will he stop playing with the car he's building. I understand that my work owes me a lot of backpay that we do need. I understand that we want to finish the repairs to make the house safe, but TBH all we need to do now is finish the bathroom, which won't take 9 months, and re-paper the house - again, just a couple of weeks hard work. That I can help with - I wish I was little and girly and fragile and he didn't even think that I could help with DIY, let alone ask me or expect me to know about different saws or be able to carry heavy things around. Ah well, I guess I can spend all the money that I would have spent on a baby on cosmetic surgery so at least I look OK, even if I am so worthless no-one will ever want a baby with me. Then again, we may need another mortgage if I were to want that. I mean, I'm never going to be called "tiny" by anyone who hasn't just put a tape measure around my waist, nor can we do anything about what my lovely family calls "child-bearing" hips.

Just put a load of pins in the condoms, Peachy, or forget to tell him you've come off the Pill. I think that's the best way and I should never have reminded DH that he was now in charge of contraception. Believe me, if he really wants children he'll be happy if an "accident" happens - otherwise, he's been lying to you. I'm on day 29 and no sign I'm even nearing ovulation, save sore tingly breasts yesterday; I usually O on day 30-32 so even my body doesn't think I'm good enough for a baby. I just hope I'm not going to stick with the 8-week cycles, 6 weeks is bad enough!

Trust me, I wanted to TTC since we married and DH knows this and I've been feeling like this ever since. It's not worth it. It really isn't. And I hate the way he'll tell me that he wants children - does he ****. If he did, why isn't he trying to get me pregnant? You either want children, or you don't, or, like my DH, you're a lying whatsit. Golidlocks, with my DH was more like yours - nothing is more important to me than my children, I just wish I had some! Or a DH who made his family a priority, not his stupid car.

Sorry, no good advice as to how to convince him, but I'm just terrified my TTC date will keep getting pushed further and further back for no good reason and I'll never have children. It's not worth living with this.

Can people help me too?

You poor thing Ryn....i honestly dont know whether to laugh or cry...i know you're being serious but there is so much wit and humour in your words that i seriously don't know what to do......My advice is the same....just go off your contraception and tell him it was an accident......

I really don't get men sometimes...before DH and i were engaged, he always said that he was never getting married and he was never having kids...this was a bit of a problem at the time, but i never said anything...however, the minute after he proposed he says to me...'your going off the pill...i want babies'...OMG, he knocked me off my chair and i haven't taken the pill or used any contraception since....mind you 4 years later we're still waiting for a bubba, but at least i know he wants them as badly as i do...

Good luck to you Ryn...

Hi there Peachy,
Sorry to hear of this issue with your DH, not sure how to fix him for you though!
My DH used to be the same, we have to pay off the loan, then the car, blah blah blah there is always going to be something and if everyone waited till they were financialy secure there would be very few children in the world.
In the end I just said to DH that this was stupid and that we needed to start LIVING our lives not just going through the motions because you just don't know what's around the corner.
I think it helped to that a couple of our friends had babies so he found out they were'nt so bad after all.
It also has a lot to do with them growing up which can take a looooong time.
I would suggest however not to trick/accidentaly fall pregnant, I think this is a horrible way to start a babies life and can end in resentment.
I have wanted kids for years but I knew DH wasn't ready and now that he is I feel so much better about having one because it will be thoroughly wanted and I am glad I didn't do anything to trick him. (maybe I'm just a prude)
Tell DH it can take awhile, we are nearly into our 12 month ttc, just be open and honest with him, tell him how you feel and what you want & see where he truely is at.
Jo

Shan, after last month when I was 2 weeks late and a bit frantic, DH now believes I want to wait so has decided we're going to use the rhythm method... so possibly the fact that I've had no sex for a week as I should be around O-time has made all this a lot worse! In fact, when I told DH I was on my last pill packet so he needed to sort out contraception, he accused me of forcing him to have a baby: WTF? If that were the case I'd not have reminded him! Ruddy men. Anyway, I was only frantic because baby would be exactly one year younger than niece and I couldn't cope with the comparisons. Must be all the hormones or something.

I've actually had to block one person from Uni I knew from MSN messenger - he keeps asking me if I'm pregnant, despite the fact I've told him that we're not trying right now (and lied and said I was happy with that and I was enjoying the care-free life): everyone knows I used to run children's clubs to get experience and babysat quite a lot: after I got together with DH I had a few chaps (including this one!) who said they wished they were marrying me because I'd be a great mother and they wanted children right away. I just want to murder him! I've seriously thought about reaching through the computer with a knife, if only that would work. Every time he sees me on-line - like he wants to see if he can upset me! Anyway, blocked now.

Sorry to take over your thread, Peachy! But to re-iterate: Pins and lying about Pill-taking is the way to go - Jo, I completely respect the thought that we shouldn't have to, but quite frankly if men respected us more we'd respect them more and not resort to this. And I hope it gives you a giggle too, we need it sometimes!

Peachy,

Tricky situation.......each to their own, of course, but personally I would sit down adn talk it through. Make lists of pros and cons together, including all the practical, but more importantly, the emotional issues.........& really take the time to properly listen & really hear each others concerns/fears/hopes.

That is my suggestion anyway.....lying about contraception/pins in condoms etc is not something I could or would ever do personally.......each to their own of course, but talking it over together, for me, would be the best/most honest thing to do, in the hope that you can come to a result that you are both happy and prepared for.........

:hug: For you both, Peachy and Ryn.

It's odd, but not very long ago I was in exactly the same position - I wanted children, DH just wouldn't discuss it, and was still saying no.

Then... I stopped taking the pill. It was completely accidental at first, I'd started another medication on the same day as I stopped taking the hormone pills for a withdrawal bleed. This new medication made me so sleepy at night that I would just fall into bed, and after the week was over I had got so used to falling into bed at night that I just never resumed taking the hormone pills. I remembered three days later, I told DH another three days after that, and then handed him a pack of condoms.

Then things went strange - DH suddenly started wanting to BD every night - and he wasn't using condoms! Then things got weirder, and eventually we talked and decided now was the right time, we were both ready to have kids, so bring it on. That condom packet is still in the bedroom - only ever used one.

After that, things just got sad... I come from a family of women who conceive extremely quickly (and in fact get pregnant by accident when they aren't supposed to be able to - and I've got PCOS. We've gone from being excited about TTC to jumping pretty much straight into assisted conception. I stopped the pill in November, in December we started trying, in February I first saw my GP and in March I was diagnosed with PCOS... April saw me start metformin... May is just a month of utter frustration and confusion.

I know this is long... but from my experience, men make decisions very slowly. They need to come to the decision in their own time, and any actions to try to change their minds need to be done slowly and subtley. I'm still not sure exactly what it was that changed my DH's mind - the number of babies that have been born around us recently, maybe.

I wish you both lots of luck in your quest to change your respective DH's minds - when confronted with the reality that it doesn't always happen straight away, they can become as sad and obsessed and frustrated as us.

BW

Aww Ryn, you poor thing :hugs: I really do sympathise with you, hon. I can tell how much you want a baby and I bet it seems really unfair that your DH wants to make you wait so long.

I guess I take it for granted that my DH was so ready for a baby. He turns 30 in July so maybe that has something to do with it? LOL Neither of us expected it to happen so soon. I had prepared myself for at least 12 months of TTC. DH was slightly more optimistic and said we'd be pregnant by the end of the year. We were both absolutely ecstatic that it happened when it did. And both of us can't wait to meet our son or daughter in January :D

Does your DH know how long it can take for couples to conceive? If your cycles are out of whack now, it may take a little while for you to fall pregnant. Or you may need to take something to sort them out before you start TTC. The sooner you sort that out, the quicker you should fall when you're actually TTC.

What is boils down to is that there will never be a 'perfect' time to have a baby. Most people seem to be more worried about the financial side of having a baby than the emotional side. Is that what your DH is worried out, whether you be able to financially afford a baby? Is he ready to be a father but just holding out until your finances are in order? If that's all it is, I'm sure you can talk him around!

We've had to make some major lifestyle changes. We were planning on buying a house this year...now we're going to rent from December until we can afford to pay mortgage repayments (we're living with my uncle at the moment and saving every penny possible!) Neither of us are fussed about that as having a family is the most important thing to us. Material possessions are just that...material. They can't love you back like a child does. They can never give you as much pleasure as a baby will.

I wouldn't advise 'accidentally' falling pregnant though. It will only make your DH bitter and resentful, not to mention that he will never trust you again. That happened to my uncle (the one we're living with). His girlfriend at the time 'accidentally' fell pregnant because he was going to leave her. He begrudgingly stayed, married her and spent 18 miserable years with her. It's no way to live and there's every likelyhood that it will only be detrimental to your relationship.

I wish I could offer you and Peachy more advice. All I can say is lay all your cards on the table, tell your DH's how much you want a child, explain how you WILL be able to make it work, tell them that there's a chance it won't happen straight away and you'll be TTC for a while anyway! Communication is your best bet and you'll have a better relationship for it.

I hope to see you both in the TTC threads very very soon ;)

Love
Goldilocks
-xxxooo-

Okay.....i just want to make things clear as it seems that i've started something in here.....

When i posted about just going off contraception and getting pregnant accidentally, i just want to say that i was being SARCASTIC and in fact i could not do that myself either.....

I have a feeling that you all thought i was being serious.....sorry about that..

I must admit, I'd love to lie about contraception and have planned to, but when it gets down to it I find I can't. For some stupid reason I trust DH and respect him - I really do wish it was a 2-way street though. He does know I'm mucus tracking for timing and trusts me on that: I'm also going on dates (cd30 now) so that's why we're abstaining for now - or rather, I'm abstaining, he's in the bathroom quite a while in the evening.

He says he's wanting children now, just we can't afford them. I've tried for ages to talk him round, so I reckon he's lying about wanting children now. We had a huge barney last night because I was ranting at the TV (local news: an 8 1/2 month pg woman was upset the loos on the trains were out of order: WTF was she doing still working at 8 1/2 months and a stressy 2-hour commute every day? She was a "Miss", living on her own, so no DP to support her, I should be glad she's not living off the state but how does that tart get a baby and I don't?). Anyway, that triggered off a huge row about chlidren, but I think I'm also a bit annoyed at my cycle. DH is useless, just tells me to go to the doctor when I need some sympathy, but the GP will refer me to my boss because he deals with these problems and I don't want him to know - not only because he's my boss, but also because I don't want him to think it's all TTC related when I'm not going to do that yet. It's not stress, because I only realised there was a ovulation problem recently, long after I should have had EWCM, and wasn't at all stressed at first last cycle, just waiting for AF, when she was 4-5 days late I started to fret a bit. Oh yes, and DH tells me that my job is no-stress, because dealing with NHS patients on the phone is easy.

If I could lie about contraception I think I would do that. I know it's not ideal and it's not nice, but then these men aren't exactly being nice, are they? It is meant to be a joint thing, funny how it's only joint when they brow-beat us into their decisions. And it's really odd how the people whose DHs have agreed to having children and don't now have to go through the stress of no baby ALONE, without DH support as you get when AF arrives and you're both trying, think it's bad to lie about it. Sorry, but when you see how bitter and twisted and hateful I end up because of this, one little lie is more than worth it. My DH knows exactly how I feel and guess what? He tells me off for feeling like this, because he's never called me worthless (in words) and says he does love me and wants me to be happy. He offers no sympathy when I don't know what my body is doing, doesn't ask me what I think is wrong and if I try to tell him then he says I'm being silly and should talk to a doctor. He knows it won't happen right away and can take up to a year - or at least I've told him that - in fact, 18 months for us due to 6-week cycles - or 2 years to have 12 8-week cycles. He also won't talk about what-ifs, so I don't even know what's going to happen IF we can't have children, or it takes quite a while; I only know he doesn't like the thought of assisted conception or adoption and would rather not do that and thinks living childlessly is fine. After all, his old SA 9-10 years ago showed that he's fertile so he knows he doesn't have a problem. Needless to say, I don't really agree, but he's already decided for us again.

Peachy, I'd show your DH this thread. Just the threat you could end up like me should be enough for him to want to have children now! And believe me, being this dreadful and having mascara running down your face is something to avoid!

Awwwww, you poor girlies!

These are my words of comfort: I don't know if they'll be of any help to you but it is my observation about the Other Sex. At least I hope it makes you laugh!

A vast number of men (OK, vast generalisation but hey) seem to have the inbuilt "no" chip as a gut response to a slightly emotionally challenging or interior-decoration-related question. My DH has it too. EG: I used to tease him, without even being completely serious, about how nice a little bun would be and he'd get all "not yet", definite, no-sense-of-humour, "I am the lord of the universe" which in reality means "that's a bit scary thus I'm going to get defensive and put on the lord of the universe voice". Situation has now reversed very quickly: all of a sudden he's made his mind up, and I think that's what blokes do: lightening speed change of mind with little warning. Not v fair on girls but then again they maybe think we're all talk, talk, talk.

The problem is that we girls are sophisticated interpreters of verbal and non-verbal communication with a brilliant and supernatural ability to ANALYSE everything to the Nth degree; however, this relies on men being sophisticated communicators who impart secret messages, whereas in reality I don't think men really are capable of that... we interpret deep, brooding silence as "I do not want a baby" whereas the interior monologue is probably more along the lines of "we're losing the cricket" or "can I get away with farting in here?" or "(hummed theme from Girl from Ipanema)".:eek: We also interpret their "no" as meaning "no forever" whereas "no" in boy language means "not right now while I am watching the cricket" or "I am grumpy and will say no to anything" or they weren't listening and thought you were asking if he thought your bum looked big. First and foremost is that they seem to be unable to think beyond the present when anyone else brings anything up. So they may not be capable of thinking about the concept of the future on anyone else's terms. "No" does not mean forever, and "not now" does not mean "all of now".

I think if your boys knew how upset it made you, they would be horrified. They are not as sophisticated as we at picking up signals. Plus, your way of showing you are upset may not be the way they can interpret the level to which you are upset. It sounds terrible but I have had to learn to adapt the way I communicate my upsetness about anything, instead of the secondary reaction of anger (which I used to defend myself) to a more honest display of how I was feeling, which was sadness. Anger to a bloke is a big back-off but they seem to be able to understand sadness, if you can verbalise what it is that ,makes you sad: i.e. how what they said makes you feel, and why, calmly, so they don't feel like they're being attacked which they don't respond well to either. (And of course we sometimes feel like attacking!!) All of which you've probably tried before, but it might be worth having a practise the next time it comes up in conversation.

Can I tell you a great tactic for working through rage and upset and frustration? Write a letter to your boy and get it all out, vent vent, no-holds-barred. Write down some ways you can both sort through the problem. Then after that, acknowledge all the positive things you both have to work with. End with how much you love him because you know you do - why would you have chose to be with him otherwise?? Then you'll probably find you don't need to give it to him (don't do what a friend did and send the letter!!). You might feel a hell of a lot better having vented and acknowledged the whole situation on paper. Advantage: it can stop you from getting too P***ed off when discussing the issue next time as you've had the change to vent. Or if you DO get P***ed off next time, you have a wonderful stash of pre-prepared insults and vicious phrases to hurl seemingly effortlessly at him...

I think if you can honestly (and calmly - ugh vomit do we have to be??) state why what he says makes you feel upset without telling him he's a turd, he may be more willing to listen and to communicate his feelings.

Also, think about how his mum might respond to stressful and emotional stituations. How has he been trained from childhood to listen and to switch off?

Another thing: maybe write a letter to him you DO want to give him, or tell him in person, why you want HIS baby. This is the key: HIS baby, no-one else's. Not some random bloke's ... um ... "boy-stuff". HIS. What is so wonderful about him that you want to share? Perhaps a humourous list of all the wonderful attributes of the two of you and how these will make the perfect baby. (You can leave the car off this!!!!)

Good luck girls. Sending virtual hugs. Think of it as trying to communicate with a different species!!

PS: In my view (and it is only my view) piercing the condom is probably not the most ideal resolution of the situation - though it was very funny, Shan!! tee hee hee!!

Beautifully said, Queenie.

Thank you for being able to put so eloquently in words all the things I feel... you are so right about how men think and communicate.

BW

I think most men panic about able to support their family when the time for kids comes along. Corey went through the stage of holding off on having kids cause he wanted us ot be more financially secure. Personally I think no time is perfect to have kids. We had lots of D& M's over it and finally we decided if we waited to much longer we might miss our window and lucky we started ttc when we did as I ended up having fertility porblems and concieving Gemma took a little longer than we anticipated.

Keep talking things through with him and make sure you make it clear that your on his side. Goodluck and hopefully you guys can work this out soon.

WEll said Queenie, however i'd just like to point out, not only to you but to everyone else who has said it was me, that it wasn't my comment about *****ing holes in condoms....If you read back you will see this....just clearing that up coz that's something i wouldn't ever have thought of......

I don't want to sound harsh, but i just wanted it cleared up...thanks..

I have to say girls that I have had great enjoyment reading all the posts!!
What you all say is so true...I have to say that men are definitely a different species:doh: . It's all in the way that you say things. My DP is wonderful and would do anything for me but he's just far too stubborn sometimes. I do find that I have to mention little things to him and he might shoot me down at the start (just as you said Queenie!) but I know that I can always get him to come around eventually. He (and all the other men) need to take in the new piece of information and actually process it. After a few times of bringing up the same thing they get accustomed to hearing about it so then it's not so scary anymore. Even last night I was sitting on the lounge and I said to DP 'Darlin - I've been thinking...(yes...) well you know how I'd like to take you overseas (yes...) well, I thought that when we do we could elope! (Please note that he is one of these people that say - why do I need to go overseas and spend all that money when I can see it on the internet? :confused: ) I told him that it will be heaps cheaper and that it is a day for us and not for everyone else. He then asks me - when? I said not right this second but when I get redundant. The first thing he said is - after you have found a new job! The thing is, is that when you start a new job you can't just take holidays. He's such a worry wart. I don't think that he believes me when I tell him that I'll find a job straight away. If worse comes to worst, I temp. No dramas! He's just so worried about me not having a job.

I think my biggest issue is not so much about starting TTC right this second but I said 6 months ago that I would like to come off BCP. Of course he said NO! I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason and if I were to fall straight away then that is the way that its supposed to be. If it doesn't happen straight away, it doesn't. But because he thinks that it will happen as soon as we DTD, he gets scared. It's because my stupid mum :mad: told him that I was an accident and that she would fall PG when someone just looks at her!! Good on you mum! So he naturally thinks the same for me.

I'm a bit of a rev head so I want our cars done up, looking spiffy and ready to go like four million miles an hour (you guys would probably not understand this but that is ok). But I kind of think - when will he say its ok to come off the dreaded BCP. I thought that I would bring it up again after the first car was done but as I've said now there is 2. One of which he wants to take to the track..yes I know $$$$$$$$. After they are done up - will there be another project? I think I might have to tell him that I'm going to go off the BCP when it runs out and that's the way it will be. AND then I'll tell him that MY redundancy (hahaha) is our baby fund..no touching it for the cars...I won't be getting a huge payout but it's at least almost 1 years pay. The other thing that worries him is the daycare situation - only because it's so expensive. But i'm sure that we can work around it because everyone else manages.

Ryn - I think that we should stick together. I don't think I'm 'quite' as angry and frustrated as what you seem to be but I do have my moments. Trust me. I think that we all do!! I have been bad and have been a little slack taking the BCP ( like not taking it religiously at the same time, etc). Because I don't care. If a bubba came into our lives we'd both be soooo happy. I've also read it somewhere in BB before that we spend all our younger years trying not to get PG (I was petrified that that would be the worst & that it would ruin my life forever), and then all of a sudden you try to get PG and find that it takes so long. So what is the point of worrying at all!!

(I think that I write too much :dunno:)

MWAH!

Hi Peachy & Ryn
Sorry to hear things are not all good for you both on the home-front - TTC is an extremely emotional time for all sorts of reasons.

One thing I find works with my DH is to agree with him and say "you are right - we cannot afford it yet, lets wait". It is amazing how within a short time he will 'appear' to come up with the suggestion himself and bingo you have your dream. About a year ago we talked about TTC and he insisted we could not afford it and we had to get our careers sorted first, etc etc. So I dropped it and then suddenly one night he said "It would be nice to be a dad!" - I was amazed and threw my pills in the bin immediately (before he could change his mind again :) ).

Not sure if this will work with your partners but I hope you both get your dreams soon.

Hey Shan, sorry if I misconstrued your post. :doh: A bit like chinese whispers, isn't it?? :) You are quite right and didn't say anything about "f***ing holes in condoms". It is technically quite possible, I suppose, though, to f*** a hole in a condom if you try hard and fast enough... hee hee!

Thanks for all the suggestions, Queenie, that was a great post.

Sadly, I’ve tried all of them.

I’ve tried not talking about it (construed as I’ll be a bad mother because I’ve changed my mind about wanting children)

I’ve tried letting it be his idea (he told me he’d changed his mind)

I’ve tried telling him he’s right (if he ever says “I know” to me again in that smug fashion he won’t have any front teeth left)

If I cry, I get to apologise to him for him making me upset, else he won’t talk to me again. Seriously. It does not bother him to see me upset and crying; in fact, he claims my upset about this will make me a bad mother so until I stop crying we will not ever try for children (yes, ever, not me exaggerating)

As for the letter – he shredded it. Because I should be able to talk to him, but when I do I cry so he tells me to shut up because he’s not going to listen to me when I’m upset

If I’m upset about anything other than my barrenness, he’ll cuddle me. If I say it’s about children, he gets mad with me

I need to vent every day about him

Yes, he knows I want his children – I think that’s why he’s waiting, because that means I won’t go off and have an affair to get children

I don’t call him names when we’re discussing children – quite often he’s walked off before I get to that stage

His mum has tried to tell him to have children (selfishly – because she wants grandchildren) and DH has told her no

My mum makes me upset all the time saying how I should be having children and he’ll get mad at my mum, but won’t comfort me about it

I told him I was coming off the OCP because it was making me waaaay too moody and he agreed, only when I reminded him I was coming off it 4 months later he got mad because “I was only doing it because I want children”. If that was the case, I’d not have reminded him at the time.

I’ve wanted children since before I met DH, he knows I was looking for a husband/father of my children when I met him, he also knows I don’t want a career but keeps pushing at me to get one, when in fact I love the fact that I have a great pension and obstetric care at my current work – my boss does high-risk obstetrics (once a week clinic) so I can have daily obs check-ups if I so desire.

I think we’re all thinking I should look into divorce, right? LOL – I’m not going to do that. But DH won’t even support my upset when AF arrives, I know he’s not upset about it but can’t he just pretend for my sake? I’ve asked him to pretend and he won’t. I’m just at the end of my tether with all of this.

Oddly enough, I’m wondering if this is just PMS, as normally I’m a lot more relaxed about all of this. Well, not relaxed, just not so ranty. But that will mean that for the last 2 cycles DH and I have had unprotected sex 2 weeks before AF, so I’ve failed at making a baby twice. Anyway, if I have a 5-week cycle that may be looking like I’m a bit more “normal”, but really will have to go see my GP if all this doesn’t tally. Even though we’re not TTC I’m still a bit narky about these non-regular cycles and DH doesn’t want to talk about it. He won’t talk about anything cyclewise or girly, though he knows I’m mucus tracking that’s all he wants to know about that.

Anyway, now he wants me to go and buy him some screws – LOL at the irony – so we have to go to the DIY store.

Peachy, I’d love to be your ranting buddy! I’m on messenger so any time you want to chat to me drop me a line.

Oh Ryn :hug: I'd go see the doc anyway, it'll make you feel better if things are sorted on that front then when DH does decide that he is 'ready' then you know you guys can go for it, so to speak. Hang in there hun. Deciding when to start ttc is one of lifes hardest decisions in a relationship, because we are usually never ready at the same time. Just remember the time will come when he wants to start, its a scary thought for men, it means they have to grow up.

Sorry, another long one from me, but at least this one has a happy ending!

Well, over lunch I thought it's been a while since we talked about our start date, and it's changed again. I guess I just needed to get a bit out to DH and need to know what he thinks about my cycles, which is very little, kind of annoying as I want sympathy!

BUT changed for the better, little does DH know!

I started talking about our third wedding anniversary, our previous start date - just 15 and a half months away. I'm looking forward to it, is DH? Yes. Why? Because Ryn's excited about it. Why is Ryn excited about it? Pass.

Well, what are we going to do on our third wedding anniversary? Pass.

If we have no children by then (kind of a given), DH is going to take me to Paris. OK, I made that up, but he's been promising to take me to Paris since my 21st. DH gets in a strop because I'm going to Austria... so I remind him our 3rd anniversary is next year, not this. Then he started getting annoyed because I was bugging him for a TTC start date (ie I said "if we have no children"). "I already have one from you," I told him. He can't remember that. The bugger. So I make him tell me when he thinks the date is. He has no idea, he has no set date. Anyway, did all of todays crying earlier, it would appear, so we could talk a little about what DH wanted first.

He's back on wanting to be "financially secure", so we need (I made him be exact):
- no student overdraft to pay off (OK, we both have about £1000, paid off with £100 every month - I'm hoping to up this though!)
- no credit card debt (we don't have very much of this, it's usually paid off every month, but we have a lot on there right now because of the bathroom)
- £1000 in the savings account at the end of the month, before I transfer our pay in there.

That will take up to 10 months, but I plan to have it done by Christmas (just 7 months!), which means my TTC date is brought forward by half a year, at least! I'm going to really, really cut back on every spending (so NO new clothes/shoes, haircut only twice a year, no new films/cds, no new computer games, not even nice food to eat or lights going on until we start hitting our shins on furniture, and certainly no heating when we're cold, we can have more than 4 jumpers on!).

Now, he's done this to me before: we need me to have a permanent job, to be at a "healthy" weight, to own our own house... so I asked DH if I asked if I could have the above in writing would he be annoyed and yup, he was. But he can't remember the changing dates from before (guess it affects me more), so I thought I'd get it in writing here, if nowhere else, just so I can double-check all the terms and conditons.

This includes "all" debt save student loan, car and mortgage - because when we pay off the car we're increasing our mortgage to that of current mortgage + car, so no worries.

So I am going to see the GP once this cycle ends, especially as I've had no EWCM so far and I'm more than a month in, taking my two previous hormone profiles to show that I should be ovulating, and will get my rubella checked the week after next once my team are all away on courses (just to avoid having them see me in bloodtaking).

Not sure how I feel about having another flexible date as I really don't like those - hence the fact we agreed on a date a few months back - but if it's sooner then I won't argue. I mean, how long will it really take to save £3000? We're owed a lot of money from DH's friend, and some from my work, plus what I save already... so yeah, I reckon we can go from £200-600 a month (savings vary) to £500 every month without too much worry - I want an excess in the savings account just in case. Especially in the summer when bills are lower and we have a shower so don't have to take baths all the time so save loads on a water bill.

Anyway, expect a big old rant at Christmas if all this doesn't work out and DH moves the date again! As for growing up - he'll still play with his car and go out with his friends and have them around the house, he'll just have an extra someone to play with! DH has already said he's going to ignore the children until they "get their own personality" (oddly, he doesn't think babies have personality when they're born, let alone in the womb), so he doesn't plan on having children until I've had them for a little while LOL.

So, Peachy - I'm still waiting, but I hope this post shows you there's still hope and men have no memory.

Thanks for the Queenie, although my post was changed by someone ( i assume a Mod) because it wasn't f***ing that i was saying it was pr**king. Maybe i should have wrote 'pinning'. I'm not too sure why they did it because you can '***** your finger on a rose thorn'......

You go Ryn.....maybe you could knock a few more months off somehow...

Okay....it changed automatically.....obviously not a word you can use in here....Sorry mods...

Oooooh!! Sounding good Ryn! At least you seem to be getting somewhere. Let's just hope that your DH doesn't decide to change his bloody mind again!!

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Although i had no known history of fertility issues, i also had this huge fear that we'd wait too long to start trying and we might have fertility problems and then it would take even longer. Around this time i signed up to BB and i became aware of how hard it could actually be to ttc!

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You nailed that one Tulip! That is sooo me:p .

I know that you cannot make someone change their minds about anything, but it's just nice to hear of other people that have or have had dramas. Sometimes you just think to yourself that you are the only one with these 'man' issues going on but in reality you're not. And then you hear of the 'man' changing their minds and you think - there is hope!

I work shift work & I think that my plan of attack will be to write him a note when I'm on a night shift and tell him that 'by the way' my OCP has run out and I wasn't planning on going to get a new prescription. That we dont' have to 'actively' try but we'll just see what happens. That way, he will know, it gives him the night to think about it (whilst in between xbox games), and if he would like to talk about it, he can come to me instead of me having to keep on bringing it up. (It makes me feel like a broken record sometimes!) . Also, it doesn't really give him a chance to give me the preprogrammed 'NO'. We'll have to see how that goes...:crossfingers: . I only remembered last night as well which I'll have to bring to his attention that I believe that in January last year he said to ME, that we should have kids soon! Why on earth did I not take action then? Fair dinkum...I remember saying that whenever he was ready - I'm ready..No point kicking myself now. I should know by now that a MANS 'soon' is a long time coming!

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I should know by now that a MANS 'soon' is a long time coming!

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I hear you there, girly! Actually, DH has started to talk about getting our overdrafts paid off ASAP with lump sums, so fingers crossed he's gearing up to start TTC too! I managed to put away £800 into the savings this month - I know I'll have to transfer it out again at the end of the month for car loan/credit card, but it's still earning interest and I'm hoping that we get some money from other sources soonish - I hate being owed money. My work owes me more than a year of pay (either £150 or £500, not sure yet) and another 2 months' worth as they didn't negotiate our new-tax-year increase yet. Then with DH's friend owing us money... gah. That's something I hate even more, friends owing money.

I'm scared of fertility problems too (even more so now with my long cycles and whatnot), but for years I've been convinced my first baby would be born in Autumn and if we start TTC at Christmas then I won't have long to wait! If we started September then we'd have 3-6 months of TTC; I'm just hoping that (a) I'm right and (b) we don't have a year of TTC. It's well worth coming off the Pill now just to check your body is sorting itself out.

If DH changes his mind (as you can tell, now I'm savings obsessed) then I can direct him to this thread, all the hope I felt, and tell him I definately want something in writing this time! As you can see, I'm not changing my ticker just yet LOL. Did think about going back to a cycle-based one, but that's just as depressing right now.

Shan, I was once on a forum that changed "pen1s" to "thingy", which made me laugh a lot and type "pen1s" in a lot just to laugh at the word "thingy". So I guess we can't ask the question of what virginity and a balloon have in common now.

Hey Peachy and Ryn,
I can relate to you guys in that my DH was very hesitant to start to 'try'. I always rush things (well, we've been together 7 years, have bought 2 houses, and now he runs his own business so I think we've been quite patient :) ) However, like the others have been saying, it takes a while for them to come through. For my man, security was a big deal. Due to him working from home, he was insecure about the income he brought in. I think he wanted to feel secure in being able to provide for me and bub. After some lengthy discussions we sorted this out.

I wrote a budget and explained to him how much we would need for when we have bub. I made sure I would have worked for more than 4 months to get maternity leave (just so you know, you have to work for 12 months continuously, which means as long as when you are due you have been there for 12 months, you are entitled to parental leave) and the baby bonus $4000 and going up to $5000 in 2007 also helps.

Consider this, if your mortgage is $400 per week, and you want to have 6 months off, then you will need about $9600 or so to pay the mortgage! That is not alot really to save, considering you get the baby bonus as well. So if you got pregnant right now, you have 9 whole months to save $5600, which is not too much.

I don't know about you, but my DH really appreciated knowing all the facts and figures. Even now when I said I wanted to put it off a few months because I am considering changing jobs, he still wants to start trying then :p

Anyhoo, boys will always be boys and they are insecure about providing and other issues. Just talk to him about the things that concern him, and work together to find a budget, start saving, and soon you will be TTC!

Hey Dragonbub - come back!! I don't know how to get anyones attention on here...:confused:

What sort of things did you put in your budget? I usually do the budget at home and just tell DP what the go is. Did you just work out everything like the mortgage as you have mentioned, all the bills, food, cars, insurances etc, that you would normally put away and make sure that you have put it all away before bub arrives? How did you estimate what you would need for bub?
I think that the biggest thing is that DP would love for me to be a SAHM but it's just not do-able. He earns good money but he gets loads of overtime also and you can't rely on that. I earn good money at the moment myself but I'll be redundant soon so - yes I will have a nice lump sum which could be the baby fund but then I will need to find a new job. I'm not worried about that as such but I may earn less than what I'm on now and also the maternity leave thing - I would have to wait in order to receive...

The more information that I get on what other people have done can only benefit my cause!!:p

Hey Peachy!
Yeah, the budget thing is tricky. The main thing is to look at what you spend at the moment, weekly, monthly and yearly. I broke it all down to weekly, so I knew exactly what we needed week to week, even if some bills came yearly (rates etc). Food is pretty easy and other consumables, and allow an entertainment budget. Look at large costs, such as if you are going to buy another car (as we have to), and other things.

I know I need to feel secure and all that, but there is really only so much you can do, and so long you can wait. I think there will always be sacrifices, even if you are in the perfect position now - like you can always buy a bigger house, get a better job and buy a nicer car. But when you make the decision, you just have to aim for it and it will be ok.

I know alot of people told me "you are just a baby! you have plenty of time to get pregnant" (I am 28), but when I think about it, it is not up to them it is up to myself and my DH to decide when WE are ready IYKWIM?

Therefore we have set our time and that is that!

:rolleyes:

Dragonbub,

When you start looking at the finances i usually just go :eek: . There is so much to consider. Though I have to say that it shouldn't be too hard (to do a budget that is) as I already every month put away money for all the quarterly bills, and the car insurances/regos and stuff.
I know what you mean about other people saying stuff as I get some saying that I have plenty of time (29 next week!!) and then people like my mum who keeps saying that I'm getting old and running out of time and that at my age she had 3 children and I'm not even married yet...Drives you mad:angry: . To me, I think a lot of people take for granted the ability to have a baby when they want. When you take a look around there are so many people where it is taking a fairly long time to conceive. I just don't want to leave it too late as if I do come into problems I would rather know about it sooner than later I guess. I shouldn't be so negative before I even start...I also take into account all the 'what ifs'.