Loving and losing Leo

This is a continuation of our birth story. Until L.eo was born, we had no idea anything was wrong with him.

I was lying on the table, aching legs still apart whilst my baby was being resuscitated. Someone gave me a syntocin shot and Dr J had her hand up trying to get the placenta. In all the birth, nothing was as painful as this. It’s the first time I screamed. She’s trying to deliver the placenta and I’m lying there looking at the clock straight ahead of me on the wall. I couldn’t see the baby. He was surrounded by doctors and someone called code blue and more doctors rushed in. DH went over to stand by. I saw a doctor’s arm moving up and down and knew it was CPR. There was no crying from the baby. The clock ticked over. Someone offered me gas for the pain. My midwife J told me I had to let go of the placenta and I pushed it out. I was asking “where’s my baby” over and over.

I think I knew by then that the baby had died, though no-one said those words. J sat beside me and told me he was gone. I couldn’t cry, but I screamed out “No!”. The head peaditrician came over. I told her I was groggy from the gas. I don’t remember it, but apparently she told us they’d tried to resuscitate him, but he’d died.

They brought our son back to me and lay him on my chest. Someone asked me his name. We named him L.eo Jam.es. He was so beautiful. Our precious little boy. My heart just opened wide in love with him. Then it just shattered. I call him L.eo the lion-hearted, because he was so strong right to the end. Our beautiful little boy looked perfect in every way. Of course at that stage I was wondering if we'd made a terrible mistake not having a c/s, but in hindsight, we did the very best thing.

We had a wonderful birth together. I like to think those last kicks as I was pushing him out was him saying goodbye. We now know that Leo died of a congenital problem that had not been detected. Basically L e o would never have been able to breathe on his own.

I am forever grateful that we were able to have the birth we did. L eo chose to come in his own time. He came early and he was breech and we were in the best hospital in the state to deal with that. His heartbeat was strong right up until he was born. I am so proud of him - he was so strong, it's just that his little body hadn't developed properly right from the start. If I'd had a c/s, I would have spent the next 4-5 days recovering in hospital in a maternity ward without a baby or my husband with me to hold at night. I don't know how we would have got through that week apart. It was the worse week of our lives. So that was Leo's gift to us - he came out to the world, little bum first and stayed alive until he finally tried to take his first breath and couldn't.

We spent as much time as we could loving him, cuddling him. J called my Mum and Dad and they and my Step-Dad came to the hospital to be with us and hold their grandchild. I washed his sweet face in my colostrum, DH gave him a bath and we dressed him and wrapped him up warm. We got his handprints and footprints and lots of photos. The following day a professional photographer came and took more photos. We stayed with him overnight in the birth suite and left the next afternoon. We spent the next week when we would have been with him learning to breastfeed etc planning his funeral, which happened 8 days after his birth. It was a beautiful send off for a baby boy, with blue and yellow balloons, but so hard for so many people. Since then I’ve just been trying to work out how to get through the days.

It's been a horrible time, but we treasure our memories and the photos we have all over the house. It's my hope that one day L eo will be a big brother. But not having L eo with us here breaks my heart every minute of the day. No child could ever be a replacement. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

:hug: I can only imagine the pain you must be going through ... there are no words that can express how sorry I am for your loss, and how in awe I am of your strength :comfort:

I'm so so sorry Leo is no longer in your arms, thank you for sharing the story of your little lion-hearted man :hug:

I'm glad you were able to get this back :comfort:
I know there's nothing I can say to take the hurt away, and I am truly sorry :cry:

I am so glad Leo came to the world in the way he did. It was a beautiful thing that the two of you shared.

I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to him too soon. :hug:

thank you so so much for sharing ((((hugs)))))

A beautiful story for a beautiful boy :hug: I'm so sorry he couldn't stay.

So glad you managed to re-post this. He was so lucky to have you as a mum.

Thank you for sharing the story of beautiful Leo's birth. Sending you much love :hug:

Thankyou so much for sharing Leo's birth, xoxoxox

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story with us. I am so sorry precious Leo couldn't go home with you. Much love and hugs to you :hug:

x

:hug:

words are not enough. :hug: I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm updating with lost posts, because they mean a lot to me


Posted by: Mum2Romone
On: September 8th, 2010 02:41 PM

Beautiful honey
************

Posted by: mooks
On: September 8th, 2010 02:43 PM

Tashybabe, I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your birth story and I have tears streaming from my eyes. Leo sounds like a beautiful little boy. Fly free little angel and watch over your mummy and daddy from the sky. xo
************

Posted by: feeb
On: September 8th, 2010 02:44 PM

Hugs hun, what a strong woman you are for sharing your memories and pain.

RIP Leo watch over mummy and daddy.

xoxo
************

Posted by: aussienic
On: September 8th, 2010 02:50 PM

I don't have the right words.. :hugs:

I am so sorry Leo was unable to stay with you..
************

Posted by: ~Trish~
On: September 8th, 2010 02:52 PM

I am so sorry your precious little man Leo couldn't stay with you :(. He sounds like such a beautiful little boy.

Your story is so heartfelt and beautiful, thank you so much for sharing it :hug:.
************

Posted by: PumpkinZulu
On: September 8th, 2010 02:53 PM

:crying: :hug:
************

Posted by: Arcadia
On: September 8th, 2010 03:09 PM

:grouphug:

Your writing conveys so much of your love and pain. You are amazing.
************

Posted by: human bean
On: September 8th, 2010 03:15 PM

Nothing I could even begin to say could ease your pain or loss, thank you for sharing Leo's story with us :hug:
************

Posted by: Snowy Love
On: September 8th, 2010 03:15 PM

:hug: I'm sorry Leo couldn't stay.
************

Posted by: Audax
On: September 8th, 2010 03:17 PM

Such beautiful memories of your gorgeous baby boy. You did such a wonderful job of honouring him on his entry to and exit from this world.

I don't doubt for a second that he had a beautiful heart; you'd loved him so much right from beginning, so how could he possibly have been born any other way? You're a wondrful mum, and you gave him an incredible gift. I wish he could have stayed... :hug:
************

Posted by: marcellus
On: September 8th, 2010 03:21 PM

Thank you again for sharing Tashybabe :hug: Leo truly is a fitting name
************

Posted by: megs
On: September 8th, 2010 03:23 PM

:hug:
************

Posted by: Anila
On: September 8th, 2010 03:27 PM

That was such a beautiful bith, a wonderful story, im sorry Leo wasnt able to stay here with you, but im sure he is watching over you.
************

Posted by: Elocin
On: September 8th, 2010 03:36 PM

Tash, you are such an amazing, strong woman

:hug:
************

Posted by: CheezelMonster
On: September 8th, 2010 03:46 PM

:cry: I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Leo.
Thank you for sharing.
************

Posted by: diannescruffy
On: September 8th, 2010 03:50 PM

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son Leo. You have some beautiful memories of your angel, may they always be close to your heart. Fly free little one.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13
************

Posted by: Mum2OneSweetBun
On: September 8th, 2010 03:53 PM

Angel Leo, your parents are so strong. Their love for you is forever and may you watch over them in heaven.

I know no words or anything in the world can replace Leo Tash, but just to let you know, you are amazing and so strong.

:hug:
************

Posted by: Heaven
On: September 8th, 2010 03:55 PM

I'm so sorry you couldn't keep your precious Leo, my heart is breaking for you. Thank you so much for sharing with us, that was beautiful to read :hug:
************

Posted by: Tegam
On: September 8th, 2010 04:06 PM

If your words are anything to go by your little man Leo must have been so beautiful!

What a wonderful, strong, clever boy, but hey nothing can compare with the strength of his mumma!

What an amazing women you are. To be able to express yourself so well when you are in so much pain....what can i say!

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!
************

Posted by: ButterflyForever
On: September 8th, 2010 04:07 PM

What a strong person you are, putting into words all that happened and your feelings.
I know how hard the days are, but believe me it does get easier to live with, with the passing of time.
Sending hugs and love from another mum to a precious little butterfly, whose time was too short.
************

Posted by: erybery
On: September 8th, 2010 04:52 PM

Leo showed his strength through the pregnancy and birth just like you have shown your strength now. xox
************

Posted by: PollyA
On: September 8th, 2010 05:00 PM

Tash,
I am in awe of your strength, your poise and the immense love you have, and articulate so beautifully, for your gorgeous boy.
Thank you for sharing it with the BB community and I hope that the support and love you receive from people here can in some way help in this time of such pain,
xx
************

Posted by: maz
On: September 8th, 2010 05:14 PM

Thank you for allowing us to know Leo and giving us a little piece of him by reading his story :hug:
************

Posted by: Jaycee
On: September 8th, 2010 05:20 PM

I'm so sorry your precious Leo couldn't stay with you.
************

Posted by: Snacks
On: September 8th, 2010 05:41 PM

What a beautiful birth! A wonderful gift that you and Leo gave to each other.
I am so sorry that you have had to say goodbye so soon. xx
************

Posted by: DarkDreamer
On: September 8th, 2010 07:41 PM

:cry:
Lots of hugs hun
:hug:
************

Posted by: thepixie
On: September 8th, 2010 07:45 PM

:crying:
my heart breaks for you losing your little Leo. I wish he was with you now in person and not just in spirit.
************

Posted by: Roryrory
On: September 8th, 2010 08:05 PM

Tash thankyou for sharing. It's like you and Leo were in synch all the way.
************

Posted by: Diamond Girl
On: September 8th, 2010 08:11 PM

So beautiful.

Im so very sorry he couldn't stay. Im so sorry for this terrible pain you and your husband are in. You honoured your beautiful Leo by giving him such a dignified birth. You should be very proud of yourselves.

I wish I could take away your pain right now, but I know I never could. Leo, a precious angel too beautiful for this world.
************

Posted by: kateo
On: September 8th, 2010 09:07 PM

I am so so sorry to hear of the death of your lovely Leo. He sounds like a right trooper!
You did an amazing job of birthing him and sticking to your guns throughout.
I lost my daughter Ellen at full term on 13.1.10. I have yet to be brave enough to tell the full story as you have.
Hopefully Ellen will be up there playing with a new angel friend Leo.
I have written a lot of poems since she died and have also had very wonderful support from Sids and Kids.
They are easy to contact and I highly recommend you get in touch for some support from them.
I wrote the following poem. Hopefully it might sing to you at this sad time.

Another baby died today
He grew new wings and flew away
He left his mummy and his dad
They’re crying now they feel so sad

They can’t see why their baby left
Why he had to leave them so bereft
There is no real reason why
They will just spend time to cry and cry

He’ll leave them memories I’m sure
But mum and dad wanted something more
They wanted his life with them forever
Not a grave to visit in any weather

They wanted more, they held tight to his life
This world gave them all just too much strife
They wanted shared joy with him everyday
Not this sudden end to his childhood days

They planned for him to grow into a man
With love and caring they’d have helped him to plan
They wanted to share his life as he grew
They’d have loved to meet the friends he knew

They now have to live with the questions of grief
Perhaps in time they’ll find some relief
From the questions of why such a tragedy happens
From the sadness of loss of a death in this fashion

There is no good reason for loss of this sort
No people to blame no joy from this thought
No baby should ever not live in his family home
No child should die and leave their parents alone

The only thing that can come from this great grief
Is that those that are left need to have the belief
That they knew a real angel who had to move on
They’ll have the love in their hearts for him all their lives long

You will be in my thoughts
Kate
************

Posted by: *Infinity*
On: September 8th, 2010 09:18 PM

Tash, thank you again for sharing so much of your precious journey with Leo. I wish somehow I could take the pain away for you.
************

Posted by: nattyfred
On: September 8th, 2010 09:21 PM

I'm so sorry. I cant imagine the way you feel but pray for you xx
************

Posted by: rufalina
On: September 8th, 2010 09:28 PM

:hug: What a beautiful tribute to your little man that was. Thanks for taking the time to share it with us. xo
************

Posted by: Epacris
On: September 8th, 2010 09:30 PM

Your darling Leo chose such strong and beautiful parents to give him such a loving and dignified birth, life and farewell. :comfort: I wish so much that he could have stayed here with you.

Fly free Leo.

Rachel.
************

Posted by: ~Stoked~
On: September 8th, 2010 09:35 PM

Tash, I am so so sorry.
************

Posted by: ~breeze~
On: September 8th, 2010 10:14 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry for your loss :comfort:

RIP little Leo

You are such a very strong woman Tashybabe xoxo
************

Posted by: Sara
On: September 8th, 2010 10:19 PM

:hug:

Thank you for sharing Leo's story with us Tash.

My heart aches so much for you.

Your an amazing, strong Woman and Mother and an ispiration to us all.


RIP Leo Lion-Heart!
x
************

Posted by: jackrose
On: September 8th, 2010 11:06 PM

I can't make sense.

All I can say is thank you for sharing about Leo and about you and your DH through all of this.

I just can't help but think that he would be so proud of you. So proud that you understood his gift and appreciated what he could offer to you in his short time. It still doesn't make it right though. :hug:

Beautifully written Tashybabe. x

Posted by: Tanstar
On: September 9th, 2010 07:43 AM

A really beautiful tribute to your little boy Tashybabe. :hug: My heart aches for you all xox
************

Posted by: *Beema*
On: September 9th, 2010 09:06 AM

Leo the lionheart ~ a precious little angel with a heart of pure gold :angel:
Tashy, I am so so sorry that Leo isn't here in your arms today, fly free sweet Leo and may your spirit soar through the skies by day and light up the sky by night, watching and protecting over his beautiful parents :comfort:
xxoo
************

Posted by: Bun
On: September 9th, 2010 10:49 AM

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't express how much I wish he could still be here with you. I love his name. Huge huge :hug: hun xx
************

Posted by: sloane
On: September 9th, 2010 10:58 AM

thank you for sharing your story tash :hug:
************

Posted by: Liviam
On: September 9th, 2010 11:20 AM

Oh Tash :cry:. I am sitting here in tears of pain for you and tears of joy. Your birth and your first days with your little man is just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing the story of your gorgeous little man with us.
************


Posted by: Kazbah
On: September 9th, 2010 07:40 PM

Tashy, thankyou so much for sharing the story of Leo's life, and through this his life-force is living on. This is truly an account of strength, and not least Leo's gift to you and to many of us of his birth, his amazing birth with such will to enter this world naturally.

Thankyou Tashy, your DP, "J", "Dr O" and all others who helped Leo into this world. Thankyou.

************
Posted by: dragoncookie
On: September 10th, 2010 09:26 AM

Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for your loss.

Fly free Leo :hug:
************

Posted by: krisp
On: September 10th, 2010 09:44 AM

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so terribly sorry this happened to your precious little Leo xxx
************

Posted by: Cassius2
On: September 10th, 2010 04:03 PM

I cannot even begin to imagine that time Tash, those moments. I am so incredibly sorry that he couldnt stay earthside, I can't imagine that reality.

Big phat hugs to you :hug: and many many many angel hugs to your precious little son Leo

Your amazing :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss

My heart breaks for you.
:hug:

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I am so sorry for your loss.:hug: I hope your dream of Leo becoming a big brother becomes a reality.

im so sorry for your loss. i wish little Leo could have stayed longer.

oh tash, I am so very sorry for your loss.

I :pray: too that one day your Leo will indeed be a big brother, and that one day you'll be reunited, and you will see that he loves you and your DH with ever pocket of his heart, just as you love him :hug:

Darling, I am so sorry. I am here in tears thinking of you!
One day Leo will be amazing big brother... FX for you..

Hugs

I am so so sorry hun. You are so incredible and I am in such awe of your strength. There is nothing I can say. I am just so sorry. I hope the gift of his life stays with you always. I just know he flutters by your shoulder everyday. This is what i hope and wish for. xoxo

oh tash, i can not imagine the pain that you have gone thru but what a beautiful story and am so glad you got to treasure this lil part with him but am so so sorry for the loss of your lil man Leo
xoxox

:hug: fly free little Leo.
from the mum of another boy, too precious for this world.

my warmest thanks & deepest gratitude to you Tash for somehow finding the amazing strength in sharing your precious story of your beautiful son Leo !!