I feel like a complete failure as a mum

Today has just been one of those days.

DD (19mths) is going through a real boundary pushing phase at the moment that just makes everything super difficult.

She also says NO to everything - so had said NO to a nappy change this morning and then cracked it when DH tried to make her. Normally we just say "ok then we won't..." do whatever she has said no to and wait for her to change her mind - eg she gets her shoes pretty quickly when we are leaving, if we tell her she will have to stay inside while we go outside for example. Not that we ever would, but you get my technique I hope.

But with her sore bum, we can't afford to let her sit in a pooey nappy as that will just make the situation worse so we have to force her.

DS (10wks) has been pretty cruisey since birth and has been sleeping 7hrs at night, followed by four or five so pretty good. But recently he has started being a bit fussy at feeds and he also only sleeps during the day if he is being bounced in the bouncer. Bit tricky with a high energy toddler to chase around.

While he was having a feed this morning, DH was doing some dishes and DD decided it was time to watch Dora. I knew she had already had some TV today so I said no, at which point she hit DS on the head. Not hard, but she did it knowing she would get a reaction from me (I've been trying to ignore her tantrums).

I told her off immediately and called DH to put her in the naughty corner. I think part of the reason she did it was boredom - so once DS finished his feed, i sat with her and was played with some toys and read some books and she was a lot happier. So I'm a failure because I can't keep my daughter happy and entertained.

Once DS had finished his feed and had some awake time I wrapped him and put him in his cot. He can't sleep in the bouncer forever.

Well he lasted about 2 mins before I went and got him and put him back in the bouncer. DH started bouncing. So now I feel like a failure that he won't sleep during the day unless being bounced and won't self-settle.

Mum and I go to the shops with DS and leave DD with her dad. My normally cruisey baby screams pretty much non-stop while we are there apart from when he has a 20min powernap. Fussed at feeds, didn't want to be held, just grumpy. So we call it a day and head home. Try to give him a feed in the carpark before we go and knock his head on the roof of the car while I'm changing sides. Great mum I am.

Get home make dinner - DD being her usual delightful self getting into everything and causing havoc. 6.45pm we call it and put her to bed at which time she screams and carries on for about an hour before going to sleep. DH and I are taking it in turns to try and settle her... Nothing was working. Eventually she settled.

Meanwhile DS has been getting more and more worked up and we don't know why. Normally at this time of night he feeds, dozes, feeds, is awake, feeds, til about 10pm when he crashes for the night. But he's always happy. Not tonight.

He was just screaming and nothing I was doing was helping.

DH had him for a bit and he's back on the BB now and seems ok.

I just feel like I am being a completely crap mum to both of them. We had thought we'd have a third but after days like today we both just think it's going to be too hard.

DD is so full on, she is all consuming when you are with her and you cannot get anything else done. She fights everything - eating, getting dressed, nappy changes, sleeping, everything.

DS was going great but doesn't sleep well during the day and now it seems
I can't even comfort him when he's distressed. I was in tears before I was so upset that I'm such a bad mum.

What am I doing wrong?? :cry:

:hug:i feel for u right now and u are no way a bad mum and pls dont ever feel that way...
u are juggling alot right now and its so normal for the elder one to start lashing out when it settles in that the new bub is there too stay..
as for ur lil man he is probably feeling all ur stress and emotions that he is just showing u that he feels it too.. which is no way ur fault its sooo hard having 2 so young in age but its all trial n error.. i am so pleased that ur dh is so helpful and obviously very hands on..
I hope it gets a bit better soon for u but cheer up dont ever let urself feel that u are failing in any way wat so ever u do wat u can we arent super mums we are the normal day by day mums GL babe and hope u feel better soon.... :pray:

Couldn't read and not post, :hug: huge massive hugs, it is so hard in the early weeks juggling 2 wee little ones so close together, mine are 17 mths apart as well and its tough. I would say your DD is maybe acting out for some attention like mine did and it's so hard because you barely have days you can scratch yourself or find the energy for a shower. It does get easier and you are not failing hun, not by any shot... DS slept in the bouncer for ages for day sleeps because he would be in it while I did stuff and would fall asleep without me realising, and the MCHN had a go at me and said a big stuff you, it's working for now, won't be forever and we will deal with it and we did and he is a great cot sleeper!

I've had a horrible couple of weeks with mine and am feeling like a terrible mother too right now but I keep telling myself it is a phase and "this too will pass" :hug:

awwww darl your far far far from a bad mum darl, far from it, anyone with a 10 month old and 2 month old deserves a pat on the back, a huge pat.
please dont be so hard on yourself, maybe focus on one issues first, get DD sorted if you can then deal with DS and day sleeps, or vice versa.

Thanks ladies... I'm all teary again...

We just don't know what to do with DD. I've spoken to mum and got some ideas of things to do to keep her entertained... But no idea about the bedtime debarcle.

Will she get over it? The bedtime thing?

i agree with the girls i had my first 2 boys 11 months apart n was the worst and i was 17 yrs old believe me it gets easier once uve settled in completely... routines will come and go but most stick u just have to find the right one for u and the lil ones.... just believe it gets better

:hug: you aren't a bad mum, and you aren't a failure! You are doing a great job, I can only imagine how difficult it must get with two young kids. Is it possible your DS is coming up to a wonder week? could be why he is being so unsettled...do you have a sling that he might sleep in during the day? For quite a few months DD would only sleep in my arms during the day, just keep saying to yourself "this too shall pass". It's become my motto :rolleyes:

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you all xx

i think she will eventually... u just have to stick to it and not give into her wanting to not do it because she knows that you will.... sometimes u just have to say no i understand you dont want to but i want you too and thats it... my son is doing the same thing and believe me it takes us 2-2.5 hrs to get him to sleep every night n has been like that for nearly 5 months now... u just have to keep persisiting hun...

Do you have a routine before bed that she knows and you follow each night? So a really good wind down if shes really hyped up, bath, milk, story and then bed or something like that? Our routine is the same every night no matter where we are and the kids know it so well now they know what is coming. DD still plays up at times but they know that bed means bed and that's it.

Thanks ss, amali... Ss I have a sling, an Ergo and a HAB... I'm not a great fan of the sling and DS is too long for the Ergo and the HAB... I've ordered the new heart to heart infant insert for the Ergo so that might help.

A friend has also offered me her swing... I should get onto that. At least I'd be able to do things while he was going off to sleep.

Amali - wow, 2 under 2 at 17?? You are a wonder woman :D

I don't know how you can persist for 2hrs or more at night time... 30mins tonight and we were going insane...

Hey OP, I also couldn't read your post without replying.....so sorry you're going through this rough patch, but from what I've read and in my personal opinion, you are doing a fantastic job! Don't be so hard on yourself hun. I struggle with a 6 month old, ONE child, so I take my hat off to you with two little ones!! I totally agree with amali baby, your DD is probably just after your attention & adjusting to the new bub and going through that 'stage of testing the waters' (I have several friends and most of them went through a similar thing to you with their toddlers around the same age) & your DS is definitely picking up on your stress. When I'm stressed, I have one fussy, grumpy baby on my hands!! Big hugs hun, and I hope it gets better for you soon. Don't worry, when the dust settles, you will be thinking no. 3!!!!! GL and take care hun.

B xx

Aw no, you're not a failure! :hug:
Your DS is probably just going through a phase, they happen every now and then. Just try and ride it out. If having a baby that doesn't sleep during the day makes you a failure as a parent, then you're in very esteemed (and crowded) company.
Has your DD been worse since DS came along...? It is truly infuriating when they say no to everything.

Thanks beata.. Appreciate your words of support.

Tan - we do bath, dinner, play, night nappy, cup of milk in her room with daddy, prayers and bed. We have done that pretty much since she was born.

Tonight it took a nappy change (even though it was clean) and a second cup of milk before she settled.

I was putting her back into bed and saying "listen to mummy, it's time for sleeping, ok?" and she was rubbing her eyes, nodding and saying "yep". Then I said "I want you to stay in bed and go to sleep." More nodding, rubbing, yep. Then again, "it's time for sleeping."

I'd go to the door and say it again and she'd be still in bed, nodding, rubbing... But as soon as the door was closed, she'd be out of bed crying.

:dunno:

Thanks Marcellus... She hasn't been that much worse, she's always been a high energy, very inquisitive exploring toddler. She gets called cyclone (her name) or the bulldozer.

She just seems to take it out on her brother I think because she can guarantee our attention and a reaction.

:

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I'd go to the door and say it again and she'd be still in bed, nodding, rubbing... But as soon as the door was closed, she'd be out of bed crying.

:dunno:

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My DS was the same - just couldnt' handle being alone until fairly recently :hug: It's hard work for mum & dad

I tried a night light tonight... Didn't help...

Maybe the door open?? So she didn't feel so alone? Just don't know...

OP as you know ive had to sit in DD2 room at night (and sometimes day sleeps) til she goes to sleep, i used to get frustrated with standing there, so i started sitting down and ingoring her, she would talk, call out etc etc.. its only took a month or so and she now goes to sleep by herself, i no longer have to be in there with her :o
maybe try staying in her room, ignore her and simply return her to bed when ever she gets out, keep repeating until she goes to sleep :hug:

Please don't think you are a bad mum. All of us feel like that at times.
Is she in a dark room? Maybe she is afraid of the dark. Have you thought about possibly doing one morning a week with her in occasional care? That way you can have a break and she can have a big fun morning once a week.

Awww hun :hug: I think you're an awesome mummy and you and your DH are a great team. DD is a high energy kid and DS is normally a cruiser. Today just sucked but tomorrow is another day. I was thinking the same thing as SS in terms of a wonder week for DS (there's one around the 12 week mark I think but your DS could be a little early). I was also thinking along the lines of Marcellus - you're in good company with kids who don't sleep well during the day or want to go down on time at night.

I think DD is probably feeling a bit insecure about her relationship with you guys since DS arrived. She's seeking reassurance, even by saying no ALL the time and being mean to DS. Are you guys trying to get regular one on one time with her? One thing that worked recently with DS's night waking was to stand or sit in the doorway of his room with our backs to him. Sounds horrible when I write it like that but that was after lots of cuddles etc and he was still standing up in the cot and screaming. He settled down when we stood in the doorway and gave verbal reassurance when needed but he wasn't being stimulated by eye contact or having us too close etc. I know your DD is in a bed but maybe something along these lines would help reassure her that you're still around and able to respond to her, even though (she knows) DS also needs attention at night time?

Take it easy on yourself hun. Today wasn't a great day but it's not really a reflection on your mothering skills. Bad days are part of the package. FWIW, I have also whacked DS's head a few times in the car when feeding him :redface: and regularly feel like I'm going a round with Jean Claude Van Dam when DS is on the change table. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for everyone.

ETA: Snap olive. Well, not really, I was agonising over my words and you posted pretty much what I was trying to explain!

I was going to suggest leaving the door open a bit too?

hugs hun
you are not a crap mum- NOT AT ALL
you just had a crap day
had plenty of them- and they are normal to have
but today was a reality check for you today- all days arnt gonna be great
and we cant parent the way we want to all the time
some days you just have to write them off and know that you will start again tommorow!!!
get a swing for MR and that may give you another tool for the trick box
time to get some more tricks up the sleeve for Ms I as well
maybe start a reward thing with her- she is a smart cookie and will pick it up quick, just as she picked up the consequences thing quick- start small and work up- short attention - quick reward

Some days its about survival !!!!!!!! hang in there - and get some rest
know that i am just a phone call away- hugs

Ladies, thanks. I've been doing a bit of googling and i think we need to tweak our bedtime routine... She's possibly getting too hyped up right before we put her to bed.

We've always closed the door - but maybe it's time to try leaving it open a bit.

I just read on raisingchildren dot net that some kids cry to the point of vomitting and if that happens you should clean it up as quicky and quietly as possible and then return them to bed :o

That's terrible and so not ok IMO. So glad there is bellybelly where other people will think that is not ok!

Anyway... So tomorrow we will try more quiet time before bed, a night light and leaving the door open. Might also suggest to DH that he sits with her. Olive - where did you sit? On the floor next to the cot?

Kaz - more one on one with DD might be a good idea. It depends a lot though on DS. If he is up with us at 7am then generally he won't sleep for more than 20mins til late.

But i need to try.

So now to bed myself. Tomorrow is a new day. New attitude. I will be patient and not get angry with DD. I will try and get that swing for DS and not stress about him sleeping. I will find time to spend with DD one on one.

Tomorrow is a new day.

and if it all goes pear shape- chuck the kids in the pram and go for a walk- good for them and good for you!!!
Another tool for the trick book!!!

Of course you aren't a bad Mum.

One thing I was told that stuck with me when I was pregnant with DD was this. Remember that #1 has been just that for a long while #1. Before your DS came along your DD got what she wanted, when she wanted it....Now all of a sudden, she has to wait. She has to entertain herself a bit. She has to share the biggest most important person in her life. YOU. Go easy on yourself, and her. She is little and she cannot understand as well as you the demands of your DS. She doesn't get why, so do try and cut her some slack (within reason of course). Your DS will be #2 for ever, he will never know the difference so putting him down a little more, or finding ways to get him sleeping without too much settling by you might help. He will always know that he has to share you with DD....he has from his day dot!

With my two, I have issues at times (as we all do) but I do try hard to spend as much one on one time with my DS as possible. I put my DD to sleep in her pram, so I get DS to help me push her around...and while we do, we talk. He is helping and he loves it (granted he is older than your DD but he has had me alone for longer too!) When I'm changing my DD on her change table, DS stands in her cot and watches and we talk and giggle at DD while she's being changed. He even got a toy chicken and decided it was HIS baby and puts a nappy on it when I'm changing DD, and baths the chicken, and wraps it in a towel!

Just try and find a little bit of tiime for your DD, and maybe mellow out the bedtime routine a little too. Like everyone else before me has said 'this too shall pass'

OMG I could have written your post!!!! Big Big HUGE :hug: the PP's have all had some great suggestions. I hope you find a solution soon. xxx

Couldn't read and not post something.

You're a fantastic mummy OP!!

I don't have a toddler so have no advice unfortunately but just wanted to say you're doing a fabulous job.

Sue xxx

OP - hope you've all had an ok night! I just wanted to share that my DD1 who is 4 still insists on having the door open whilst she falls asleep. We have tried all sorts of routines, suggestions etc and this is what works best for us. She really struggled when DD2 came along and we had all sorts of issues regarding bedtime. Initially I had to sit by the bed and gradually move out of the room (as Olive has described). I was really angry and annoyed as I had to spend quite a bit of time doing this and would feel like I went between the 2 kids for about 4 hours. It did get better and I ended up reading books to fill the time I spent there. I really wish I had listened to my instincts about what would work rather than changing to suit what other people suggested. So trust in yourself, you are a great mum.
xxxxx

OP i sat about 1.5 metres away, sat against her chest of drawers, she could see my profile and tahts it, i didnt look at her, i didnt lay her back down or anything (then again shes still in the cot so cant escape..yet) i just sat there, over time she settled much quicker. i didnt talk to her either!, she was never upset, just happy t chat etc

Sunshine, Sue, thanks ladies. Means a lot.

Yules - I try to get her involved with him but she doesn't seem quite interested yet. Maybe an age thing?

I totally get what you are saying about her being number 1. I will try to remember that. She gets a lot of playtime with DH, I'd assumed that would be enough but I guess not... It's about me too right?

Mak - thanks, good to know it may work tonight with the door open. I'm worried she will get out of bed though, did your DD try that? What do I do if she does? Just put her back??

Olive - thanks hun. Might be trying that tonight too.

We were all awake at 4.30am today. DD was quite upset and calling out for daddy. He got her, I got DS who had woken for a feed. Not sure why DD woke up - at what age do they start getting scared overnight? Having bad dreams?

She was easy enough to settle and seems quite happy this morning. DH just got her to lie still for a nappy change with the promise of a sti let reward. Good tip thanks det!

It is definitely about you too! See you're a great Mum and your DD is trying to tell you that :)

We started having to sit with her as she was hysterical at the thought of leaving me to go to bed. I am not sure if that applies to you tho? Inorder to get her to go to bed - I'd ask her to come and have special Mummy and Zoe time. So we had a book and then a chat about the day. I always tried to talk about the good stuff we had done and my plans for the next day. At the end of this I'd tell her I loved her and why - so some nice things she'd done etc. Then I'd say it is bed time and that I was going to sit etc. I simply gave her the choice of me sitting with her, but no talking to her or getting up and down etc otherwise I would leave. We then extended it to leaving the door open - so say it is bedtime and that if she got up etc we would say we'd shut the door. We never had to do any of these things as she always wanted the alternative, IYKWIM. The time between leaving, sitting etc got much quicker as she was more used to the routine of it all. The special time also seemed to be a selling point. I spent heaps of time with her during the day, DD2 pretty much got ignored but pointing it out helped her a bit I think. HTH. xxx