So lost.............

Yesterday started my fourth miscarriage journey. After a tense few weeks we finally got solid confirmation that baby has decided now is not the time to join us. Im waiting to go to the GP tomorrow to get the ball rolling for a d&c as my body hasnt recognised its time to let go. Im numb; I havent cried like I did before, I just wander around in a fog. Life goes on because I have 3 little miracles to take care of. Im still suffering morning sickness and a multitude of other pregnancy symptoms which is like a slap in the face.

I just feel so lost and confused. I dont understand why it had to happen to ME............again. I feel angry at Dh, that he did something to cause this because he was so negative about this surprise baby. I feel angry at myself because a careless "Well maybe I'll lose the baby and then you'll be happy" thrown out in an arguement tempted fate to teach me a lesson. I feel like maybe its a sign that we should leave things be with just the three beautiful miracles we are so very lucky to have.

Dh wants to try again after the d&c but Im torn. I dont want to have to do this again; I stupidly thought because my last pregnancy was the complete opposite of the first two (no m/c, surprise baby/no long term ttc/no ART, textbook pregnancy) that my days with all this heartbreak were over. Obviously not. On the other hand the need for one more blessing to join our family has increased ten-fold. Its at the back of my mind constantly, being pregnant again, having another newborn to cuddle.

No point to this post except to exorcise some of these thought swirling around in my head. Thanks for reading.

:hug: I couldn't read and not post hun. I hope you find your peace :comfort:

I'm so sorry Freya :hug:

:comfort: I'm so sorry Anna. xo

big :hug: I'm so sorry.

oh hun :hug: :crying: so sorry. Be kind to yourself. xo

I'm so so sorry. :hug: :hug:

Oh I'm so so sorry :( *hugs* :(

Freya I am so sorry to hear this news. I am thinking of you at his moment. Be gentle on yourself.

:hug: So sorry this has happened to you gorgeous.

Whatever you said has NOTHING to do with this. You did not tempt fate at all. These beautiful bubs must have had another agenda and I know it doesn't help your pain but please know this is not your doing. Let yourself heal and take it from there Xx

Yep hun let yourself heal...deal with it however you feel you have to. I'm so sorry this has happened to you beautiful. I hope you can get some answers and the choice about where to go from here is an easy one xxx

I'm so sorry Anna - big cuddles gorgeous heart. :comfort: This really is so hard & you have been through so much. I hope the next few days can go as easily as possible for you as you say goodbye.

As for trying again - well my love some people (like me) believe that every Soul has a journey a purpose for all those it touches. Your little Soul's touched many of us & just maybe part of his or her's role was to help you decide definitevely and consciously if another Earth child is the best for you & yours. Take the time to reflect, grieve & feel the sadness.

Big cuddles & big love. :hug:

Thinking of you Anna :hug:

Sorry to hear your sad news :hug:

Oh no :hug: I'm so sorry Anna.

:crying: SO sorry to hear this hun. :( Please allow yourself time to grieve and know that those words thrown out or that negativity did not contribute to this, nor does it mean that you shouldn't try again hun. I have been there regretting and beating myself up and you need to know you did not cause this in any shape or form. :hug: Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve before you make any decisions. xoxox

:( oh honey I really thought that all your past worries were done and dusted with S's pg and arrival.
:comfort: be gentle to yourself honey.

:hug:

I'm so sorry Anna.

Thinking of you during this time.

:hug:

I'm so sorry :( :hug:

Big hugs. So sorry for your loss. :comfort:

I feel terrible for you, for your pain and loss. I cannot imagine what you;re feeling :comfort:

Please don't punish yourself for things said and not meant. I won't try to downplay the anguish you must be feeling, but pleased let me encourage you to know that you know baby would have been loved and protected and blessed, if they had been able to stay with you.

I :pray: you have the time and space you and your family now need, to grieve.

xoxo

Anna I am also very very sorry you are going through this. Like I said in my text "the universe is a very very cruel place at times" So by no means did anything you or your DH said in the heat of the moment cause this to happen :hug:
As for TTC again only you and DH can decide on that and be at peace with that decision. Please be gentle on yourself and DH as you travel through this difficult and sad time. I wish I could make things very different for you and take your pain away :hug:
Please call me anytime day or night if you want someone to talk too or cry with or whatever you need at the time :hug:

I'm so sorry. Hugs x

Thinking of you xxx
:hug:

Sorry for your loss freya....big hugs

I'm really so very sorry to read this Anna. Take care xx

:hug: :hug: I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find your answers within soon.

I'm so very sorry :hug:

To my beautiful Anna, my heart breaks for you right now, I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and just give you a hug.

There is nothing you did wrong to make this happen, no bad thought, the universe can be a cow sometimes, but she has a plan, right now I have no idea what that plan is because you don't deserve this.

Thinking of you sweetheart, sending you love and strength.

gentle :hug:

Oh honey I'm so sorry :( :hug:

so sorry to hear this Anna :comfort:

I'm so sorry for the loss of your angel. Thinking of you.

I am so sorry hun :(
Huge hugs :hug::hug::hug:

So sorry for the loss of your little one. *hugs*

Big gentle hugs sweets... xoxoxo

I ws exactly where you are, in January babe, after losing Seven....

And then Isaiah too.... But looking back, I dont regret my little Isaiah at all, I cherish his memory, I love remembering his beautiful homebirth, holding him, touching him all over.. nothing can take those precious hours away from us.... I look in his memeory box all the time, with many many tears, and many smiles for my boy.....

We do know deep down its not our fault, but guilt comes way to easily to us mummies sweets.. xoxoxo

If you do decide to try again, you will have all your BB here to help, support and love you through it, just as I have discovered....

I'm so sorry Freya. :hug:

I'm so sorry, Anna.
Please don't take this on board as something you or dh said or did, I really don't believe it works that way.
If it did, so many more of our beautiful ttcers would already have their wishes.
You must be so hurt and frustrated right now, please be gentle with yourself and with each other. Hold each other close and take comfort in knowing that your body is capable of a h & h pregnancy if you do decide to try again.
Again, I'm so sorry x

Oh Anna :hug: I'm so sorry that this has happened again.

thinking of you anna :hug: