Complicated Situation - Advice Needed

Firstly, As this situation is very emotional for me, please please be tactful in conveying your personal opinions. But please do try to help me :pray:

I am 23 yrs old and am a single mum to a 2yr old little boy. Late last year I left his father. 6 weeks later I got some results from my doctor and specialists about my reproductive organs... Results were not good.

Specialists did some more tests but told me that the "sooner the better" , In regards to having more children.

Being a newly single mum at the age of 22... this news scared me.

Id always wanted to be a mummy, ever since I was a little girl. And have always wanted 2 children.

Doctors are now telling me that I need to do it now, With every month that goes by is waiting too long.

They are talking about removing my right ovary due to the mountain of cysts on it. They believe that the left one will follow suit very soon.
Doctors have cut out endo twice and its still more than the average that they see.

But wait.. it gets more complicated:

I am interested in getting into a relationship with a very nice guy next yr. but he is in a complicated situation himself with his ex/gf tried to commit suicide after he left her. She is pregnant with his child. So he has moved back in (separate rooms) to support her through the pregnancy.

I have a friend (not a close friend) offering to be the father of the child and he may want to be a part of the babies life, he hasnt worked that out yet, as we havent gone into details. But this guy I want to be with doesnt want me to sleep with anyone else.. which is understandable.


So.. Long story short, Im single-ish... cant afford IVF and have no idea what to do.. Its like I have to choose between having a child.. or being with this guy next year.

So what would you girls do?????

First of all big hugs, sounds like you have a lot going on right now!!! :hug: :hug: :hug:

Couple of things I was thinking about...

Sounds like you really want another bub. That's definite. Sounds like you have a big ticking clock in the form of your body too... Not good! :(

On the other hand, you have some maybes going on... Maybe next year the nice guy might be ready for a relationship... Maybe your friend will help you out... How tricky for you to try and work out what to do! Hmm! :think:

Would the nice guy support you, if you had a baby without sleeping with someone else? Like IVF? I know you said you can't afford it... But there are other options... There are home insemination kits, someone on here used one a year or so ago to fall pregnant.

So would your friend really be interested in being a father? What would he want out of it?

I think maybe you have a bit more of a chat to these two men in your life and work out the impacts of having another baby.

Hope I have helped a little bit and you are able to work out what you want to do soon. Good luck. Big hugs again.

Far out! What a complicated situation! Usually I would not post to a thread like this one... but... I felt like I had to.

For me personally, I am a VERY conservative person & also believe that it is better to have children in a loving relationship (not always possible, but my personal opinion). I understand your anguish in wanting to have more children & your time running out given your medical circumstances, however I think you need to think about this more from a logical POV, rather than an emotional one. The reason I say this is b/c emotionally I think the argument is stronger to have a child (due to your medical situation) rather than what is the best thing to do for you, your child & the Dad to be involved (whomever this will be). I strongly believe (sometimes I need convincing ;) ) that things happen for a reason & whilst for example; IVF is not an option for you atm, what is to say that when either things improve with your DS Dad or you meet someone else whom you can afford to do IVF with? I know this is easy for me given I am married & in a stable relationship, however I think when deciding to have another child, it has to be more than because I want two.... IYKWIM? I hope this is not too harsh (I noted your first paragraph) & if you want my post removed, let me know I will delete it. Best of luck with your decision.

If the nice guy is serious about starting a long term relationship with you when the time is right ( is he, and you absolutely sure him & his ex wont get back together?) Then I would probably have a chat with him & say look, my time is running out, how do you feel about a one night stand sort of situation to help you fall pg. Or as suggested, a home insemination kit. I don't think I would take up your other male friends offer as lovely as that is of him but it sounds like its just adding to a complicated situation.

There is no chance I will get back with DS dad. No way. Over my dead body.

My friend hasnt decided what role he would want to play. But my possible boyfriend doesnt like the idea of me sleeping with anyone else.

Never knew there was a home insemination kit.. ill research it now! very interesting though lol. But it still leaves me with the same problem.. Ill have to list the father and listing a father means ill want the kid to know who his/her father is and how do i explain to the child that his father didnt want to play a role in their life.. sigh.

I know im thinking emotionally.. but All my friends I have talked to have agreed that Ill never forgive myself if I dont TTC.. but If I do.. Its going to be so darn complicated.

The man im going to be with next yr already has 2 kids and 1 on the way... he wont be ready for any more children for a while... we have already talked about it.


hmmm.. lots more thinking to be done

hmmm how does he feel about you having a baby to another man if you could do it with out the need for sex?

I hate to say it but I think you should maybe let go of the potential boyfriend & start fresh with someone who wants to have a family with you. This other guy... could he possibly want more from your relationship? Maybe he is testing the waters with his offer?

He would prefer that the father didnt have anything to do with the kid.

I have waited 11yrs for this nice guy to tell me he likes me.. I dont think I can give up on it now. Im almost in tears just thinking about it.

Maybe I should just risk waiting. sigh. Its all to hard right now

hmmm 11 years is a long time. Take the time to be true to yourself and ask yourself.. Do you love him or the fantasy of being with him. You are so young & while time is not on your side, it seems such a risky situation. I think I would ask for more commitment fro him. He needs to pull his weight & realise if its you he wants to be with then its not fair to string you along till next year when you have so much riding on things with your medical condition.

I'm just wondering, if this potential partner isn't going to want more kids "for a while", where does that leave you? I mean with or without IVF or an insemination kit or whatever, you are hoping to have a baby. Does he want you to wait until he's ready, or is he happy for you to become pregnant in the mean time?
I hope it all works out for you

I totally agree with you that it is unfair. I do need to speak to him about it more. but the time we get to spend together is limited. I really do want to be with him, its not fantasy or anything like that. He is my younger brothers best friend. My brother knows about us, and he tells me that this nice guy (his mate) really loves me but he is worried about his unborn child because his ex ended up in hospital when he left her, trying to end her life.

So how far do I push him to leave her properly and go public with me??

edit: he is ok with me becoming pregnant as long as i dont have sex with anyone to get pregnant

Wow you poor thing :hug: Could you have your eggs harvested and frozen to use later. I am not sure how expensive this is but it might be worth an inquiry. I hope you find a solution

I really hate to say it sounds a bit like the married man promising his g/f he will leave his wife but it never happens. He needs to be open about you & how he feels about you with his ex. If he really is there only to support her till the birth of this child then he shouldn't have any problems doing that. What is his ex like? The whole suicide thing, could it just be all a way to keep him? If his intentions really are honest & he is a really nice guy then he should be able to man up & be honest with ex and be able to move on if its over between them.
Im sorry, maybe I should not say that but its what I am thinking, but I hope I am wrong & things work out for you & you get your happy everafter.

Sorry hun but I totally agree with Efjay. You know this nice guy you really like is going to have a tough road ahead by the sound of things. If he can't leave his ex now whilst she pregnant it will be tens times harder for him to leave when he has a little baby in his arms and the mother is not stable.

Its ok :)

My brain is working overtime.. I too worry that its going to be the "married man promise". I really hope it isnt because he will loose alot of friends.

How do I move forward from this? I have no idea what my next step should be

If I give him an ultimatum, it will probably work against me.. and we have had several chats about this issue...

Can you talk to your doctor about alternatives? Can you get some counseling to help you decide what is best for you and your son. Moving forward takes one step and a bit of courage. :hug:

I would ask him straight out. Leave your ex properly, be open about his feelings/relationship with you. You don't have time to sit around waiting for him. If he can't commit to you now then you need to let it go. Move on.

Grieve the relationship that it could have been (and really who know it could off all gone pear shape after a few months anyway. How do you know you would have been suited as a couple KWIM?)

concentrate on you & your 2 yr old & just take life as it comes.

Is it possible more could come from the friend who made the offer? maybe he is your Knight in shinning armour.....

I'm confused as to why he'd be OK for you to have more children, but doesn't want more kids even though he plans on being with you in future. If that's the case, then he'll have more kids - just by being with you. He may be in a very stressful situation so not be able to think stright. But if he's not willing to be with you, then he can't tell you who you can or can't sleep with. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

If the doctors are telling you to have children now or not at all, then it's your choice. Is there any wayfor public funding to freeze your eggs?(I have no idea about these things)

Another biggie to think about is the biological father has legal rights to the child if you have one including having to provide child support, shared custody etc. How much of your life are you prepared to share -because that's at least 18 years of communication, negotiation and shared parenting. I'd at least be ensuring the potential sperm donor has compatible values and beliefs about raising a child. It's difficult enough for parents in a relationship together.

It's a sucky situation to be in. I hope you canwork it out.

wow, what a monster for you to come to terms with! Big hug.

I'm sure you're putting your little boy's best interests first in all of this, and that is definately the place to start.

It must be confusing and overwhelming being told that you might need to start planning your total family now, at such a young age! I hope you've had a bit of time to digest that, before having to make any life changing decisions.

A couple of things which I would be thinking about, if I was in your shoes:-

1. whoever the father of your children is, they will have rights and obligations for the rest of your client's life. They can try to stop you from moving away, they can try to get custody of the kids, etc. And there are financial and moral obligations too, as well as the possibility of their families trying to step in too, to get to know their niece/grandson/cousin/etc. All this might not be relevant when things are happy and friendly, but things can go wrong ... and your child will have rights to contact their father too.

2. if the man you like isn't able to be with you right now, because of his partner's mental condition, I'm not sure why he'll be able to be with you next year ... if anything, I would imagine that it will be 100 times harder to leave her, with a little baby - particularly if it's his baby ... I think that would just complicate things a lot more, because then he'll probably want to make sure his girlfriend AND his baby are ok and taken care of ... and if she has serious problems now, or a difficult pregnancy etc, there's probably a really big risk that she might get post natal depression, and need even more help ... even if he doesn't love her anymore, I would imagine most nice guys wouldn't be able to leave someone they once loved enough to sleep with, if she had just had their baby, and probably needed a lot of support.

3. I guess I would also be thinking about how getting pregnant can take a while sometimes, and if I felt like I was on a clock, having to get pregnant pronto so I wasn't losing my chances, that might stress me out, which might make it harder for me to get preggers. and I might be worried about how that would be affecting me, and my kid, and my other relationships. I would probably need someone really solid with me, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend, or a family member who is really sticking my me. If my boyfriend situation was complicated, that would probably stress me out more, because it might feel all uncertain. I would probably need some help and support - do you have someone nice and solid who you can count on?

4. It's nice of your friend to be offering to donate sperm - but I can't imagine sleeping with one of my guy friends ... I think if I had a friend that good that he would be willing to do that for me, I would be worrying that having sex (even if it's agreed that it's just to get pregnant) might make the friendship awkward, IYKWIM? I've dated friends a couple of times, and with a couple of them, I really wish we could go back to just being buddies, because I miss the vibe we had, before we dated.

5. I think a really big concern of mine is how I would cope, if the relationship with your nice guy didn't end up happening, or didn't work out well ... while I of course would never regret having another baby, and there are plenty of single mothers who do a hero of a job, I would imagine being a single mother of two would be really hard! Or being pregnant with one baby, and still having to look after your boy on your own, that would be hard too.

6. Another thing which would worry me, is if your nice guy isn't keen on having a baby with you, are you sure he'd be happy with you having a baby with someone else? I guess I don't understand why, if he wants to be with you and he's fine with you (as his partner) having a baby and another one on the way, why he wouldn't want to be the father of your baby, if he's in this for the long haul. Maybe I'm missing something?

I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationships, so all of this is stuff which I might be thinking or worrying about if your situation was mine. I don't want to try to tell you what to do, because this is all just my opinion of how I would feel in your position.

I really hope that things work out for you, and I wish you all the very, *very* best.

:hug:

Oh gosh that is a difficult situation, I can understand why you are going around in circles.

It seem like to have some one who is a 'maybe partner in the future' fathering a child would put a huge pressure on the relationship and might kill it before it even gets a chance to find it's own feet. I just think it would be hard to build a relationship with him in such an extreme situation IYKWIM. And what it he turns out to be not such a nice guy, where would that leave you and your second child?

Would you be able to use the services of a sperm bank to allow you to have child number 2, then you can see how things pan out with the nice guy (or another nice guy should one happen to come along) without the pressure of him being the father and having to have a role in there somewhere. Sorry I don't know if this is an option for you or not.

it sounds like this "nice guy" who wants to be with possibly next year......maybe playing games....

First off, you arent together so you can sleep with whoever you want, if he is serious then he will make his feelings known and try to be the best he can be by doing right by his child and you.

Also if he cant be with you know due her issues, when baby is born its going to 100 times worse.

Wow, what a sticky situation.
I have to agree. As much as i hate to admit it, this ex-girlfriend may never go away. My own relationship has encountered a woman like this and after 10 years she still hasn't disappeared. I would definitely look into other options for a pregnancy at a later stage. There has to be something they can help you with.
I hope you can find some answers and wish you best of luck :goodluck::hug:

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He would prefer that the father didnt have anything to do with the kid.

I have waited 11yrs for this nice guy to tell me he likes me.. I dont think I can give up on it now. Im almost in tears just thinking about it.

Maybe I should just risk waiting. sigh. Its all to hard right now

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..... and you're 23 years old now? I don't know what to say.
Maybe you should just take each day as it comes in terms of 'relationships', 'boyfriends' and 'men'. Busy yourself with your son for now. As far as the doctors telling you 'do it now' etc etc, I would be cautious and perhaps seek another opinion. I don't understand how they could actively encourage you with those statements under current medico-legal policy.
Im with the other girls, the ex gf won't go away, and why should she really? She is having his child?

All the best in your future :)