Another grieving mother

Hello everyone. This is not the parent's club I ever wanted to join, but here I am..
I am 37, and Jackson Bear was my first born.
4 weeks ago today my baby was still-born at full term.
I went into spontaneous labour on my due date, thinking that everything was fine. We'd just heard his heart beat at my routine prenatal check the day before.
After half a day of gentle early labour at home, my midwife came to check on our progress. His heart beat was gone.
We rushed to hospital, where no cardiac activity was confirmed.
I was admitted into the birth suites, and spent the night labouring without induction or any intervention. Although, yes, it all hurt like hell, I found the labour and birth to be really empowering and such a needed part of my journey. I refused the pethidine and epidural offered because I wanted to be totally present for the short time that I would have my son with me. I did relent and have gas during transition!!
I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful hubby, who was with me every step of the way, remaining 'emotionally present', massaging me through every contraction and doing everything in his power to support me.
Jackson was born at dawn on Spring Equinox. So bitter sweet, the sense of achievement at naturally birthing with no problems- other than the fact that my baby was dead.
He was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck four times. The preliminary autopsy report says evidence of acute asphyxiation. Everything else about him (and me) was perfectly healthy. He was a beautiful 9 pound baby, with perfect proportions, looking just like his daddy, who was born 9 pounds 10 ounces!
I was able to hold him straight away, and all up we had 30 hours of holding him, bathing him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him and 'baptising' his beautiful head with our tears.
I'm physically still recovering from the birth (stitches, hemmorage, muscle pain and fatigue). But the grief is growing every day. We both miss him so much, and it just seems to be getting harder. Sure I have 'good' days, and days when I put on a good 'face' for the world, days when I have to be strong for my parents and friends because they can't bare to see my pain. But there's a terror and deep grief behind every moment, and it takes all my energy not to collapse and give in to wailing like a banshee!

I'm not angry with God- I don't believe in an interventionist God, so therefore no God for me to be angry at, simple! I don't believe that my baby was too beautiful for this earth. I don't believe that God took my baby to be an angel. I don't believe it was 'meant to be', or part of God's plan. It's just not my faith or belief system, but if those things are yours I hope those thoughts give you great comfort, because whatever gets us through... I just get upset when people try to comfort me with these words or feel the need to push their faith on me, because it disrespects the fact that I'm an intelligent, thoughtful person who has my own thoughts on life that keep me going. Sorry to ramble about that, but I was on another forum and was 'bible-bashed' quite a bit...
Thanks for reading my intro. I'm here because I need to talk with people that can relate to what I'm going through. We're kind of in an exclusive club that no-one wants to know about...

I'm so terribly sorry for what you've been through and what you've lost. I know nothing I can say will make it better, but you'll find a lot of wonderful, supportive people here.
Hugs to you

Welcome to BB.

Such a sad story. Im not sure what else to say.. hugs.

Sorry to read of your loss, I hope you find support here on BB.

xoxo

I am really sorry that your little boy passed away so suddenly :hug:

Dawn on a Spring Equinox...how precious, his birth will always be part of his life journey, and on such a morning xx

I am sure that you will find support here on BB as you travel this path; thinking of you, your husband and your precious little boy Jackson :grouphug:

:hug: my BF's baby born died moments from birth also due to a cord accident, time has healed somewhat for them but it most certainly doesnt get any easier for them :hug:
your wee man will never be forgotten, nor should he be

Welcome to BB, Im no good at giving words of wisdom or anything like that but i am good at giving these.. :hug: :hug:

Sadly, there are a few people here that have been in a similar situation so you will find lots of support xxx

Bearmum, I just wanted to send you a massive gigantic e-hug and to let you know that i have cried whilst reading your story about your beautiful boy. Please know that you are supported and loved. I am so glad you have a supportive partner to lean on through this. I don't know what else to say but I am so truly sorry for what you are going through and I think it is so special that you had lots of special time with your son afterwards. Huge hugs hun.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Treasure the beautiful memories you have of your precious baby close to your heart.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

Welcome to the forums, I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister in law also lost a full term baby last year and the pain is unimaginable :hug:

I hope you find the support you need here, there are many wonderful ladies who are very supportive.

Bearmum thankyou for sharing Jackson's (and your) story. I'm so sorry he was born still. I hope you find support amongst the BellyBelly community.

I am so sorry for the devastation you have gone through, What a beautiful name Jackson is for your precious son.

I'm sure you will find the right support here on BB, there are many lovely ladies who have unfortunately been through similar journeys.

:hug:

I am so sorry for the devastation you have gone through, What a beautiful name Jackson is for your precious son.

I'm sure you will find the right support here on BB, there are many lovely ladies who have unfortunately been through similar journeys.

:hug:

Congratulations on the awesome and empowering birth of your perfect little Jackson.

And

I am so, so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.

I am sorry that you haven't found comfort and understanding thus far. I am also really sorry that you have to put on a happy face for those around you. It's a sad reality of our culture and I wish things were different, just like I wish we didn't feel the need to come up with often trite verbal offerings to try and make sense of a tragedy.

I am just so sorry.

Bearmum, thank you so much for sharing your and Jackson's story with us. I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry also that you were not treated well on another forum. I think you'll find no one will push anything onto you - only you know how you can grieve, as you said, you are an intelligent, thoughtful woman.

Precious Jackson, you'll never be forgotten. :comfort:

oh, oh, oh. I've just shared your, your son's and your DH's story with my DH and we just don't know what to do with ourselves now ... I can't comprehend what you must have gone through then, and must still be going through ... and I don't even want to imagine the shattering ... it brings me to tears to even think about it ... words just can't express.

I also can't imagine your strength and bravery to have given Jackson the birth, cuddles and family time he deserved. I don't know that I could have been that strong, in the face of that much agony and a completely unexpected loss.

I'm sorry also that you felt bible bashed elsewhere ... I have no intention of pushing my beliefs on you, but I do pray that you in time will heal. Never forget, never be the same, but healed and whole again, with Jackson as one important part of you forever.

I also hope that you have the time and space (by yourself or with your DH or other people in your like) to cry, howl like a banshee, sit in bed all day, paint, write, run, or do whatever you need to do to let out your pain. I hope there are things that are available to you, to do that ... I hope your DH does too.

This place is the perfect place to vent and share and be supported by lots of lovely ladies. I hope that you're able to meet some great women who you can really connect with, and be supported by.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.

:(

Bearmum, I am so sorry that Jackson is not with you. I don't know why awful tragedies like this happen. It sucks and I wish it could be different. I hope that you find BellyBelly a very supportive community where you can share anything you want about your beautiful and precious Jackson. :comfort:

Bearmum, I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Jackson's story, it was beautiflul and very touching. I know what you're saying about people who are trying to make you feel better with their comments, but that's just it. They are trying to comfort you the best way they can. When I lost my son at 21 weeks two years ago, I found that people tried really hard to make me feel better (although nothing they said could bring my son back), but I was more disappointed with those that said nothing. I felt that they didn't acknowledge Joshua's existance and that really hurt. Two years on, the pain of losing my little boy is as fresh as the day we lost him, and it's incredible how the waves of grief just crash on you when you least espect it. Big hugs hun, and feel free to talk about your grief here on belly. This place has helped me enormously with my own grief.

Beata.

Dear Bearmum,
I just can't begin to imagine, your story really touched me & it also made me sad about the pain some parents & parents to be have to go through.
There is no rhyme or reason - it can't be that God has a better plan for your little one.....nothing can be better than the plans you had made for your life together....
You are a really brave woman & people like you sharing their stories give people like me perspective, strength & admiration for what some women have to go through.
Big hugs to you for peace & healing & for never forgetting little Jackson.....
May your future be a happy one.....

Bearmum, I am so sorry for you and your DH's loss.. Thank you for sharing your very special story of your son's birth.. Take care xx

My Angel was born sleeping 3 weeks ago and it hurts to know that this has happened to another mother 4 weeks ago it shows it is happening way to often.

I agree with you totaly about the things people say to try and make you feel better i hope you can find some support here.

I can only say the same as everyone else and say i'm sorry for your loss and that you even have to be a part of this forum is not fair none of us should be here.

Your in my thoughts

firstly may I just say Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy, Im very sorry he couldnt stay with you, my thought are with you and your husband xxx
Thank you for sharing your story & welcome to belly belly im sorry its not under better circumstance's.

:comfort:I couldn't read & not send you some hugs, love and compassion your way.

so sorry. what a beautiful name for your beautiful boy.

Bearmum, congrats on birthing your gorgeous son Jackson. Thank you for sharing your story.

I know that nothing will heal the pain you and your partner going through but just wanted to let you know that we in BB are here for you :hug:

BearMum - congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son Jackson. I'm so sorry he died and your heart was broken like that. It's wonderful you were able to have the best birth you could in spite of his dying - it's a lovely way to honour your son and you as his mother. Hold close the memories and the love.

It's been nearly 13 weeks since my son died soon after birth (his story is in my sig). The grief will always be part of you and will change you in ways you can't predict. It gets easier to manage but it never goes away. You'll always be his mum and he will always be with you in your heart and soul. The love is overwhelming and it also never goes away.

I understand the platitudes don't help and can sometimes be upsetting. Try not to take it personally, people just don't know what to say. Some days you'll feel stronger than others and be able to handle then better.

I hope you're able to find support on BB and that you and your DH and family have lots of love and support IRL.

If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.

My DH and I just sat and read all your replies. We are deeply touched. Thankyou all so much for the hugs, kind words and prayers.
It's so important to us to share Jackson's story, the acknowledgement of his life, and the lessons he has taught us- and I'm sure I'll still be learning from him for the rest of my life. He may have been with us a short time, but he has been such a bright light.

We are waiting on final autopsy reports, and will be going before the 'peri natal loss panel', which all feels a bit scary. We haven't had the funeral yet- the hospital encouraged us to take our time. We also wanted to have all the autopsy business out of the way first. I couldn't have dealt with a funeral in these last few weeks- physically recovering from the birth has been difficlut, and with the added grief my body has just been in torment. We have the funeral all planned out now, and looming ahead of us.

I'm new to the whole forum thingo- so bare with me as I figure it all out!
Thankyou again for the warm welcome xx

Bearmum, planning your baby's funeral is so hard and we found it very difficult to get through, but it's so important.

As my midwife told us, we had to do all our parenting in such a short time - those hours we were able to hold our boy and then planning the funeral and saying goodbye. For us, everything we did was to honour our son's short life.

The other thing she told us, is for all the words of solace, really the whole thing is just f'd. It really is the worse thing you can go through.

One of the difficult things to handle we found is that so few people met our son. For Leo, most of the family and friends who attended his funeral never got to meet him. We had framed pictures of him at the front of the room and a little baby photo album where people walked in, so everyone could see he was real and how beautiful he was. I'm sure Jackson's funeral will be a loving tribute to him and the family who wanted him and love him so.

Thank you for sharing Jackson's life with us :hug: I'm glad that you got to birth him the way you wanted, even if it was under such sad circumstances.

Tash- yes the arranging of the funeral is just blurg!
The funeral feels like we're introducing Jackson to the world at the same time as saying goodbye.

We also plan on having big framed photoes of Jackson and an album for people to see him, and realise that yep, we had a big beautiful baby boy.

Tash- I read your birth story, what a birthing goddess! Such an amazing experience, so sorry for how it ended for you.
And yeah- even though I spent 9 months obssessed with reading and learning everything possible about birth, meditating etc, the amount of pushing required was shocking! And being told that I wasn't pushing hard enough when it felt like even my little finger was pushing! I just had to figure out the right direction to push in, how weird, you'd think it would be obvious! What amazing bodies we have.
Birth rocks! Pity our endings sucked.
You've inspired me to take the time to write out all the details of Jacksons birth properly, before I forget! I relate to a lot of your story- I also had planned a home water birth, and had done a lot of preparation for a natural birth. I also had SPD from about 14 weeks, not much fun is it?
Anyway, thanks. xx

Bearmum, I will be thinking about you and your DH as you plan you baby's funeral.. It is one of the most difficult things you will have to do, but something you will look back on forever.. Sending you lots of strength during this difficult time.. Having photos of Jackson sounds beautiful.. :hug:

BB is such a beautiful community and unfortunately, many of us have been through similar experiences of losing babies.. I have found great support here (still do!). xx

Bearmum - thanks for your lovely comments. I agrees, birth rocks! I found it hard to get around to writing Leo's birth story, as the end was never going to change. There's still bits I want to add at some stage. It is therapeutic if you can do it.

I hope you're managing OK. Just when you think things get easier, it hits you again. But it does, very slowly, get easier to manage.

Bearmun, I'm sorry you have had to join the club no one ever should have to join, and I am saddened to hear there is another mother this had to happen to :-(

I lost my baby Sophie in July this year, she was 5 weeks old and never left hospital. We thought everything was okay in the first few weeks as she seemed so healthy, just very sleepy and didnt feed well. We found out at 3 weeks when she kept stopping breathing, that she had a problem in every one of her body cells and could not sustain her own life. It was a massive shock, a really horror really to hear she was only going to live a few weeks, months maybe as she could not breathe on her own (amongst other things). It was hard to comprehend because she looked so normal. It happened a lot quicker than we expected. I too have found that creating memories has been very therapeutic. I was lucky that I got to do things with her in that short time and these are the memories I cherish. It is good to know you had all that time to hold him and bath him, as I really believe it helps with the healing. I had read of stories from past generations where this was not the case with stillborn babies, and it breaks my heart how women must have dealt with it in the past if they did not get a chance to hold their babies like that. As painful as it is to have these memories and it is sad to think of them, it can also be comforting. There were days where I was just exhausted or anxious or couldnt focus on anything, and I would go to bed and just go over my memories of her and sort of re-live it, but it was calming, if that makes sense. Same as when I am stressed over something, I try and take time out and just think about her. I spent a lot of time in the months after her death in writing about her, creating a photo recod book, just creating memories really. It has really helped and even though it is painful to re-live memories, I think it is important in healing and it made things a bit clearer in my mind as it was all such a whilrlwind at the time. Its not until we catch our breath and enter an empty silence that it really hits us.

Planning a funeral is something no parent should ever have to do. I didnt think too much about it, we just organised it as we didnt know what else to do once she passed, there was a bit gaping hole and I felt so lost, it just seemed like the next step. The day she died was 7am, we went home several hours later and didnt know what to do with ourselves (as we had been at the hospital for 5 weeks) so we went to see the funeral director. I guess going over the details, even though it was farewell, gave me some control back as I got to choose all the details and it was comforting to me to treat her with all the respect she deserved. Everything was done so beautifully for her. Take your time with it. It was our chance to say goodbye again, cry and grieve over what had just happened, for what we lost, the child we will never know. I think it really helped us seeing her again as it was a few days after she died, and seeing her in her coffin the next day at the church wasnt such a shock to us as it was for everyone else. I knew she was dressed and wrapped the way I wanted, with her little teddy bears etc, everything was perfect inside. (I'm sorry to go on about the funeral, its just not the sort of thing I discuss with people IRL! I just think its not something people want to think about). Though looking at the date of the post, you might have already had the funeral, so I'm sorry if what I said is not relevant anymore.

There are a lot of ups and downs afterwards. We went away the weekend after her funeral - it was meant to give us a break and get away but it had the opposite effect for me and thats when I really broke down. It is hard at first but as each week went by, each one was different to the one before and slowly, slowly I would find I was just a bit stronger than the week before. It takes time. Have you accessed any support networks or services? I had online support and saw a grief counseller which really helped. Then I spent months creating memories of her, which has been helpful. One thing I would suggest is take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and know that it is okay to have up's and downs, good days and bad days and dont put too much pressure on yourself. It used to take me all day to do something that I used to do in half an hour. A week to clean the house which I could do in 3 hours before - everything changed. At first "good" days are non-existent, its more like "okay" minutes or hours, but the pain is always there. Slowly and gradually I have found I would get back into things. It is only 4 months for me now, but I have put my energies into something else that is keeping me busy, and it is still to do with Sophie, but she has given me a new purpose in life, and I feel like she is inspiring me in some ways.

Also I am glad you got the chance to birth Jackson the way you wanted and that you found it empowering. It is beautiful to know you went through the pain without drugs so you could experience it all with a clear head. It is very clear how much you loved him and wanted the best for him, and I dont know you but i can tell you were a very good mummy to him.

I hope you have started to recover from the psychical pain - it is a cruel reminder that's for sure.

I agree with you that found some religious words not the most comforting. I believe in god and I am a christian but I do not like all the rituals associated with churches etc. I have my own version I think, though I do believe in a bigger plan, that things happen for a reason and I do believe my little girl is an angel, an angel baby forever. I did not though get much comfort out of reading things that are very scripture based - I came across that in certain books, that talked of miracles too (I could NOT relate to that at all!) and when someone went on too much about religion, it did not help me at all and I would switch off. Though I do appreciate that some people do derive a lot of benefit from that - I know one person who is very religious and she has given me a lot of inspiration and strength, but the difference is she doesnt preach or anything. So I can see your side of it there and I'm sorry you had to hear that from the other forum you were on - it is not something you need right now.

sorry for rambling on - if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. I hope there are fleeting moments of sunshine in your life during this difficult time.

Bearmum - Thankyou for sharing a part of your journey in being Jackson Bear's mum - the love you have for your son is palpable.

I am always honoured, and oh so saddened to read stories of babies gone to soon from their parents arms. Nothing can prepare you for birth, except birth, and to be honest, nothing can prepare you for grief except grief itself. You did your son a great honour in birthing him, and it is one that can not be taken away.

I hope his funeral was manageable for you.... they are so hard.

I used to have so much to write to recently bereaved, but now, my heart is just heavy, that others are burdened with the loss of their precious baby and the very hard road that grief is. You will find your own way through and I hope that you will find the courage and abiding love to live your life in honour of your son, and in celebration of the exquisite love you have for him.

Go Gently, especially at this time.

Bearmum - I was wondering how you are. If you're still with us, how you're coping. If you want to talk, please let me know.