By day I'm cool, calm and collected... By night I'm the screaming banshee

Oh yes, I put you all to shame. Honestly I do. By day I am this wonderful, caring, patient, kind mummy who always remembers her resolve that nothing is more important than her family and spending time with her daughter. Aww, don't I sound perfect?

By night I turn into this horrible banshee devil woman. The neighbours must think I'm totally insane. Or that I hate being a mum. Or both probably.

Ok it's only been very recently. Since Jazz decided 9.30pm is a good bedtime for her. :wall: And I'm studying. Uni. Which has just gone back for summer semester, which I am insanely doing. And my relationship needs some TLC ... 'C' standing for 'couple time'. Couple meaning two. Not three. Three is a crowd Jazzy.

Doesn't that sound terrible already? I should stop and delete, I sound so horrible and selfish. How am I going to handle two children? Who the **** knows...

So come 9pm at night. I'm getting aggitated. I'm losing valuble TLC and study time. I try to put her to sleep by feeding her. Laying down with her. Reading, cuddling, rocking, patting. Pretending to be asleep in the hope that she sleeps.

And then I crack. I yell :( my poor baby girl is only just two and I yell and scream things to the effect of ...

"THIS NO CRYING THING IS A ****ING JOKE, I'M SHUTTING THE DOOR, YOU CAN SCREAM YOUR LUNGS OUT I DON'T EVEN CARE JUST GO TO SLEEP FOR **** SAKE.
NO WAIT, JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT, SEE IF I CARE! I DON'T CARE. DO WHAT YOU WANT. WHY DOES IT MATTER ANYWAY, IT NEVER MATTERS WHAT I WANT, JUST EVERYONE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND I'LL JUST STAND AROUND IN THE SHADOWS UNTIL MIDNIGHT WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP FINALLY AND I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO GET SOME STUDY DONE."

Because of course by the time I'm screaming it's all about me and not TLC couple time. Just to clarify, even though I'm sure you all get the message.

I feel like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mum. I can see her little heart breaking and I walk away to another room and slam the door behind me. Usually muttering something about working full-time and studying for a promotion so I can supprt the family but obviously I'm meant to do it in my sleep. And then I bawl my eyes out. Not because I need my own space, but because my daughter deserves so much more than that. I compose myself, get a drink of water, and then find her and I hug her. I squeeze her and I hold her like she'll somehow slip away forever if I let go. Which she might, I wouldn't blame her. I apologise. And then she says "sorry mummy" and there I go and my heart breaks. "No my baby girl, I'm sorry. Don't ever be sorry, it's not your fault." And I hope she understands, even though I doubt she does.

Then I take her to bed with us, and I wake up to my baby girl whispering "wake up mummy" in my ear, and patting my head and calling me monkey mummy (she thinks my bald head makes me look like a monkey) and telling me my "boobies go round", and I hug her, no matter what the time is (usually 5.30am UGH!), and I am glad and thankful that no one came in the middle of the night to take her away.

And I'm the wonderful mummy again. Breakfast at the table with her, giggling about spilt milk, hooraying and cheering when she does her wees on the potty, and crying as I leave for work knowing I won't be home for almost 10 hours :( Crying but dreading coming home because after a day at work (a child care) with everyone else's toddler, I can barly muster the strength to play with my own :crying: I come home and try to relax and destress but lately it just seems to end up the same way. Screaming banshee mum.

Just to follow up... I know I probably have some sort of anger issues, and I'm working on it. I have a lot on my plate, but the only option is to make it work. I'm working on that too. Working on making it work.
I just need to de-brief. Maybe some hugs. Maybe some nice words and not words to make me feel guilty because trust me I already do.

:hug: Oh hun I can get like that too :hug: Big squishy hugs all round xxx

:hug: Leasha. Your not a bad mummy.

awwww you have got a lot on your plate. Don't beat your self up over it, your doing the best you can.

On the sleep thing though.. Does she have a day sleep still? Maybe its time to cut that out if she does? Iain is 2 (just today <3 ) & if he sleeps inthe day I can forget a decent bed time. So no sleep for him during the day. All of my kids have been the same. By the time they are 18/20 months day sleeps stuff up bed time for us.

Also maybe on nights you really need to study Shell could take over bed time? Jazzy will get use to it. Maybe you could go tot he local macca's for an hour & study there? or hang back at work an hour to study before heading home?

Huugs, things will get better.

Leash, it sounds like you're just exhausted and overloaded and need a break! Something has to give here I'm afraid so you might need to look at how you can take some pressure off yourself. It must be so hard to be patient after a day working at childcare. And 9.30 is really late - maybe Jazzy is ready to drop her daytime sleep?
I know you are saying the only option is to make it work, but it sounds like right now it is just too much. You need to find a way to release some pressure.
Take care of yourself :hug:

You know what your only fault is? It's that you're only human :hug: I think that if anyone says that they have never reached that point where, despite knowing that they shouldn't do it, they yell at their kids like that is probably telling a porky. What you can do is when you feel that you are about to blow your top, walk out. Maybe she will sook for a little while because you've just up and left, but that is much easier for your conscience to deal with than the ****ty way you feel after you've lost it at her. I know because I have done it myself. Many times. There is only so much one person can take before they reach that point and through the day it's easy, because you know you have the whole day to do xyz, but once it gets to night time and you know it's getting later and you still have loads of work to do you start to lose your patience pretty quickly. And she wont hate you because her little mind will be filled with all the wonderful things you do with her there wont be room for the odd time this happens.

I'm sorry. We all get like this sometimes. You're by no means a bad mummy, you're just a stressed mummy with lots on her plate. It'll get better - don't beat yourself up ( though I know it's so easy to do! )

You're an awesome mummy and Jazzy knows that.

Oh Leash :comfort:
You poor sweetie :(

Trillians post is just perfect and everything I could've thought to say.
We all have moments where we are 'only human'.... And too much stress + lack of sleep is not fun :hug:

Everything you're doing is for your beautiful family, and you know there is a purpose... And it won't be this busy forever.

Be kind to yourself, lovely :comfort: xxxxxx

:hug: girlfriend.
You've got a lot balancing there...

:hug:

If you have anger management issues then so do I. Being a mum is the thing in life that had tried my patience the most, and yep, sometimes I lose it and I feel as terrible and ashamed as you. But sometimes I feel so pushed to the edge that I have nothing left, not a scrap of patience. I try walking away, but sometimes yes I have snapped.
I hope it's normal! :hug:

How many sleeps is Jaz having? I'd be cutting down if there is room for it, you need your evenings! I know I do.


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I could have written that very exact post tonight, the kids had a total meltdown and then I did as well and banshee mummy came out and I've been sitting here so ashamed of myself it's not funny.

So big squishy :hug:.

Big :hug: I was like this with my first and you know what.. i worked in CC too. I am not saying you should do what i did but I quit work when my Ds was 11 months old.. yes I would get cranky at an 11 month old.. I was tired and i had spent all day with kids (him included as he came too) and was simply over it by night time..

don't feel guilty.. Being a mum is a tough job. is there anyway you can take even 40 mins to yourself at night before you deal with DD? not just the drive home or whatever but once you get home.. have a cold drink and take a book and go read in the backyard or something.. To wind down before your home life begins.. kwim???

:hug:your not a bad mummy, if your a bad mum, then im the devils mother re-incarnated, or some such effect much worse!!! i want to give you a round of aplause:clap: juggling work, study a 2yro and all the rest life has, wow!! i yell at my boys that often, its at a point were they just dont hear you unless you yell.:redface: not good. right now i am doing everyting i can to not go and give my 5yo a good smack on the bum:o he is currently up the hall sooking and carrying on as he wants to stay up and watch tv with dad.
theres hope!! just got to change the way you think about situations and how they get handeled. its realy hard!! i yell at the boys every day, but im trying, so far ive yelled oneday out of 3!
once kids know how to push your buttons, they try push as far as you will let them as they get older. good luck.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug: You're not a bad mummy, you're a human mummy with a huge load on her plate... and it's not selfish at all, me-time is really important, you NEED it to be able to keep running & giving.
It's like a petrol tank, you've got to put some back in after a while otherwise you run down.. and you know it's not just about you then.

I've been there with my kids... I still get to that point more than I want to admit :( Trillian is right, better to walk away & let her sook for a bit, and i reckon the guilt you might feel over that is not as bad as you feel now?

BIG hugs :hug: :hug:

Big, big squishy :hug: from here too.

You are doing the best you can do under REALLY stressful, tiring, full on circumstances. Hats off to you for studying, & working & being a Mum & partner. Jazzy loves you, no matter what, just the way you love her.

:hug: :hug:

Oh my gosh hun, you are NOT a bad mummy, a bad mummy would think that yelling is the way you are meant to talk to your kids. :o We all do it and sometimes more than others, I will be totally fine and something will set me off and I will think, heck I am glad the windows are shut because of the neighbours. Don't feel guilty babe, one thing I do as well is once I have calmed down and I am hugging the kids again I apologise for yelling etc. I tell her that mummy was angry and that because of that I yelled, but I really shouldn't have. I want them to learn that anger is ok but there are appropriate ways to deal with it and inappropriate and I am only human too but not scared to say sorry.

Also is there any way you can reshuffle your night routine to get her to bed earlier? Ours are usually in bed at 7-7:30. If it gets much past 8 I get antsy because I go to bed at 9:30 and I need some time out by myself. You are NOT selfish wanting that time hun, it is late and you have heaps on your plate with study and work. xoxo Hope you can work things out a bit and find a way to be at peace.

We all have "screaming banshee mean Mummy" moments. Don't feel bad it happens to the best of us :) When you feel a banshee moment coming on try and remember there are probably several of us having the very same thoughts. Walk away, take a few deep breaths, whisper a call for help to your BB family for the strength to go back in and know that we are are there behind you in spirit. xxx

:hug:

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Jazzy knows you love her :hug: :hug:

I'm sure a lot of us have banshee moments. I know when I had an assignment due in first semester this year (my first ever semester at uni) I was exactly the same. Part of my problem was that dh was in the lounge room and know I was in the study "trying" to study, and he'd just be watching tv or playing playstation while ds came and wanted on my lap, or draw at the desk (not on the floor), and I ended up having to wait til ds was in bed to even make an attempt at assignments, be up til 2am, then start the day over at 6am. Not pretty.

Thankfully, we have *just* started a new routine. I was sick of the 930 bed time too. One day I decided THAT'S IT! New routine (coz there wasnt really one to start with). IT only started Nov 1st, and has it's moments, but he's in bed by 730, and finally asleep by 830.

It's taken all year for me to realise that I can prioritise how I do things. Be: pregnant, a mum, housewife, wife, employee, student and myself (although, I'm still working on that last one). It's exhausting. But if I can do it, you can do it! :) :hug:

Hang in there!

Oh hun, please don't beat yourself up... what you describe honestly sounds like my house 7 days a week - and I'm not even studying or working so I have no excuse to lose the plot!! Bedtime and my kids are like oil and water at the moment, it drives me absolutely batty.. I just posted a big whine about never getting couple time or me time because my parents never want to look after the kids and usually they go to bed late so I have to go to bed straight away... /hijack!
The other girls have some great advice for you, I just want you to know you're not alone (as much as it sucks) and that I hear you loud and clear! You've got a heck of a lot on your plate atm and you *need* time for yourself and for you and Shel to be together, time to study without distraction, time to recharge your batteries and relax!!
*hugs*

:hug: i do exactly the same. and hey, i don't even study or work so i may just be pure evil :lol: or we may just be self-deprived mum's who hold on & on till finally we break & lose it.

i don't 'know' you but i do read your posts. i think you have a wonderful level of emotional maturity & self awareness but that you also strive for greater awareness. you've identified that things right now aren't the way you'd like them to be. so what's the ideal here? (bed, book, cuddles, lights out & not a peep till 7? ok, that's just me...but you know what i mean?) maybe it's not achieveable right now but if you know what the two ends of the spectrum are, can you identify some middle ground & some practical changes you can make that would help? i'm not going to suggest what they could be, cos everyone is different. but i reckon there's got to be something there that might help. and that will help you get through this. this stage will pass - it's the frustration of not having a finish date that drives me bonkers so find some tools that'll help you get by till the time comes.

and don't be too harsh on yourself. no one is perfect, we all do things we're not proud of. it's how you learn & grow from these things that make us better. and it seems to me that you're a pretty great person already :hug:

Leasha - thank you for being so brave and writing about what happened. Something similar happened here (ie yelling and swearing) and my child is significantly younger than yours. I thought about writing about it and I just felt sick every time I did. I still feel awful now. Logically I know that we all hit a wall at times, but it still makes you feel dreadful. The only thing that made me feel better was DS's gorgeous smiles afterwards. But I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow so that I can offload and get some strategies to deal with things before they get to that point. Hope you are able to move past it too :hug:

I hear you :hug:

Hun - I know you can do this. You have to draw just a little bit deeper and suck in a huge breathe and walkaway well before it gets to this point. If it means closing the door and walking out to the backyard. Agree with yourself how much you will take of the shenanigans before you give yourself a break.

I know that feeling - the one you get each night when you are saying to yourself ohpleaseohpleaseohplease got to sleep quickly tonight because you can't go through it again. Sometimes you can wind up well before it even warrants the hysteria and that of course makes it all worse.
At one stage (people thought I was joking) I would walkaway, draw breath, force a smile and channel Mary Bloody Poppins, sing song voice and all. Anything was better than hearing myself shrieking.

:hug:

Something to think about that was suggested to me today: my counsellor suggested that the reason DS was being finicky with his milk as well as waking up more than normal overnight is that possibly he was picking up on the stress that was happening in the household and the only way to process it was to cry out for me more often. Is this a possibility for Jazz as well, that the reason she is not going to bed and pushing your buttons is because she is picking up on your stress?

The other thing was to forgive myself for yelling and screaming - as well as asking for DS to forgive me. And emotionally I was still hanging onto a lot of guilt, which was helping noone. So today I let go of it.

I also thought Lulus suggestion was excellent - to walk away and calm down for a while. Unfortunately in my situation I had a partner following me around with the baby once I walked away, but hopefully Shel has more sense than that.

Hope you are having a better day today.

Oh Leash. I know how you feel too.
Why won't these babies/kids understand? Why not?
We need some lovin' too, just like they do.

I couldn't read and not reply. Your post made me cry.
This is me.
The mummy that sweeps her gorgeous boy up in the morning, both of us smiles and giggles, and then the mummy that tells me him how much of a pita he is when he won't sleep when I "need" him too. Only I have slammed the door, right in his little face and my heart breaks when I hear him sob. It's too late then, I've done the damage.

I've been working on my patience and frustration levels too the last month. This week I've only lost it twice.
Slowly slowly.
:hug:

Awww, that brought tears to my eyes! I'm sure all the brilliant mums on BB understand where you're coming from - you are so not alone!

It's 10.20pm and I'm rocking our DD again - the second time since she went to bed at 8pm. My glass of red (and no work or study to worry about!) makes it a lot easier to deal with!

Hang in there, you're doing an amazing job

Hun I think all of us have been there too.
Sometimes after teaching all day and being so loving and patient with other people's kids I turn into "that" mother too.
Please be kind to yourself, you have a lot on your plate. Can you get SIL or someone to babysit and you and Shel go on a "date night" ?

Thank you everyone :hug: Thank you for all your kind replies :hug:

The last few days have been better. Maybe because I've posted, and put it out there, that I've had to think about it and when it comes to bed time I'm thinking to myself... Ok I want to be calm, I don't want anything to post about on BB (haha). I've had one minor meltdown, and little bit of loud talking (lol, I don't think it was QUITE yelling) and I walked away. I yelled in my room with the door shut, that was a bit better since it wasn't actually at anyone, or at least in anyones face. I've also been doing A LOT of yoga haha!

We've talked about dropping her day sleep, although Shel's not sure because she needs that down time during the day, which I understand. And a lot of the time she doesn't actually put her to sleep, Jazz just sits down on the couch and falls asleep (why can't she do that at night? lol). Jazz is becoming 'miss independent' so won't let Shel rock her to sleep during the day anymore, which means when she does fall asleep it's at about 1pm. And then Shel says "Oh I can't wake her up the quiet is so peaceful". And who am I to say "no you MUST wake her up, I need my me time at night"? If Shel had come home and said that to me when she was working and I was at home I'd probably have grabbed something very solid and smacked her over the head with it. And then shoved it somewhere very uncomfortable for her...

I think I need some time management courses HAHA! No seriously, I do. Uni do some, although they aren't really helpful because they're from a uni and studying point of view, and not a busy mum/partner/employee/student point of view. So the ideas they put out are fine, if uni is your main focus. I mean sure, it is a HUGE focus point for me, but Jazz and Shel will always come before it, so I need time to nurture those relationships, and work is a huge thing because I can't just study and hope that the electricity and real estate and phone company will decide thats good enough for them ya know.
But I still WANT to study. I just need to make it work.

:hug:

:hug:
I have those days too. Only today I was yelling at 6:30am...
He's off happy now and I'm in here pretending I don't have any children :D
I wouldnt' drop the day sleep - when DS misses his the last 4 hours of the day are hell x 1000.
Good luck with your time management

Hell x 1000 ... actually, that's pretty accurate ... LOL!
If only she'd go to bed earlier inthe day. At the moment it's after lunch, so around 1pm. TOO LATE TO SLEEP!

How long is she sleeping for? can Shel shorten it a bit? I totally understand needing the downtime but maybe it just needs to be trimmed a teensy little bit. Even 15 minutes might make a difference...

what time dose she wake up in the morning? if she got up a little earlyer, even just by half hour she could end up tiered soomer, then still having the day nap, only earlyer in the day? itms (your lucky she still has day sleeps! id kill for the boys to have a day nap! they stoped having them when they were one, im hoping dd dosnt do the same!)

and what does Shel think about the 9.30 bedtime? Even as the parent who stays at home more of the time, I would be pulling out my hair if Boo was going to bed at 9.30!

Well shes not had a day sleep for a few days now, and is going to bed at 7pm and sleeping until 5-6am. Thats definitely making nights more relaxed, and I don't mind getting up at 5am most of the time.

I think Shel finds it slightly less annoying thsn me since I'm the one who does bedtimes (since she is home all day).

:comfort: I think we all have nights like that! I'm the same. It's so hard to be a 'good mum' all the time but the fact that you realise what you are doing is not the best way to behave shows just how wonderful a mummy you are. It's so tough to work and study and have a little one!! I finished uni just afer my DD was born and I had been working FT and studying PT which was so stressful. Finding time to study and be there for your partner is exhausting - throw a 2 year old into the mix and I'm pretty sure I would of lost my mind!!! So in my opinion I think you are doing remarkebly well! :clap: Try to relax and be kind to yourself