Feeling confused re: DH and TTC

I *thought* we had decided it was okay to start being "serious".
I *thought* that seeing me heartbroken month after month had changed his mindset.
I *thought* having another baby was something he wanted too.

BUT as DH has so politely informed me;
I can chart but he doesn't want to know about it because it makes it real.
Gee, ya think? having a baby is a 'REAL' grown up thing to do.
He wants a "were excited to announce we weren't using contraceptives and DW finally fell pregnant" baby... I've been waiting on that baby for 9 months. That baby is alluding me.

If thats the only way he wants another baby, I would rather be on the pill instead of holdinf put hope month after month.
Now I feel used like this arrangement was for his sexual benefit (at least 250% more sex now not using contraception).

If he doesn't want to be "serious" about trying, I want to be on the pill so there is no false hope. If I'm on the pill hes lucky to get any once a fortnight. So I'm off the pill to have a 'unplanned' pregnancy because my husband doesn't want to seriously try for a baby.

Awesome.

Oh and then he had the balls to basically say I was inconsiderate to his feelings and he obviously isn't allowed to have them - all because I didn't acknowledge what he was saying because oh gee I was DUMBFOUNDED to hear, last I heard he wants a fricken baby too.

(i undersatnd why he does not want it to seem real but I am hurt that i am expected to accept the fact he doesn't want me to try and therefore I should hide it from him? :wall: if he doesn't want to know about it, I feel he is not ready...)

oh huni...massive hugs. i have no advice just plenty of hugs xox

Do you think it's more about pressure to perform than it being too "real" and perhaps feeling used from his end too?
(ok, hear me out...)

When we were ttc dh commented that it's be nice to have sex just for the sake of having sex. Not having to worry about the right timing, temps, ewcm and hanging upside down from the bed head to make sure it all gets in there :redface: He felt like I was just using him for his sperm and not because I "wanted" him.

Ttc is hard, really hard but I hope it happens soon for you both xx

I agree with Helle, as my DH is the same as yours.

He tells me he wouldn't mind having another baby but then accuses me of using him for his sperm. (how the heck else am I going to get pregnant?)

Good luck and just don't mention it and be glad to have so many oppertunities a month! Use it to your advantage!

I am all for sharing EVERYTHING in a relationship - however, sometimes it truely is better to limit some info to 'need to know' basis or 'requests to know' basis (ie, he asks you). My DH is fully supportive of TTC, ans he has been aware each time that I am charting and using OPK's. Occaisionally he will ask me about it all, but I know he sometimes feels ripped off, like I am just 'using' him to get pregnant. I know it is illogical - but think about it from his perspective. You may only have been interested in DTD half as much (or even less) prior to TTC, and now it has increased NOT because you want HIM; but because you 'need' his sperm. If in some alternate universe, he only 'seemed' to want to have sex with you as a purely machenic function (ie, TTC) but showed much less interest any other time: you would likely be feeling a little sensitive to say the least. Trying to keep the romance whilst TTC is hard work - but the last thing you want is for it to become a 'chore'. So restricting the depth of information isn't a bad thing, it is just that sometimes a little mystery goes a long way in a relationship. I mean is it really that imperative that HE actually knows every detail about your cycle??? Or is he perfectly able to fullfill his role without knowing you have EWCM and a temp of 37.4????

my Dh is being a douche about ttc as well. we had the big talk about wanting another baby and before ds was two. So in April we decided to try.

weLl he hasn't been trying too hard,has he.... my DH has been going to bed early without me for months... When I ask him why he's avoiding me or not " trying" as much as he should for a baby, we says when it happens it" ll happen, or I'm not in a rush, or some other crap to make my blood boil, I feel your pain.

:hug: hopefully he gets you pregnant soon , and then it won't matter anymore....

if they could only understand. I wish men got AF every month they didn't make a baby, just as a reminder ;)

Oh the TTC journey is so hard :(

:hug:

Can you do as some of the other ladies have suggested, temp and obsess about it at BB but not share all details with DH unless he asks? You could (if you felt comfortable) use OPK's and give temping a break for a month.

This might be TMI for the general areas, but sex as a chore often becomes an issue for TTC couples, more so with the man. Can you offer him a bonus / fantasy / special thing to spice things up around O time, so it doesn't go that way?

Dragoncookie- I get where your coming from. The othere girls have valid opinions but here's mine. TTC is a combined effort. My DF was the same as your DH with my last pregnancy (my third m/c). Before i fell pg with lily he was the same, didn't want me to get test or seriously 'try' for a baby, he felt pressured etc etc.
Then i m/c again. I had billions of tests done and we think the cause of my m/c has been found.
But i can't TTC without fertility drugs. And i HAVE to monitor my cycle by temping and blood tests etc. My partner and i sat down and talked it over and over before i started these drugs and agreed this is what we were going to do- TOGETHER.
So i think you have a right to be angry and hurt- i think if you both agree to ttc and bear the disappointment month after month you need to support each other and be able to talk about it- it's one of the most emotional and frustrating journeys for alot of people in thier lifetimes.
HTH

I just posted a vent yesterday about pretty much the same thing. MY DH says he can't wait to have a baby, but ignores my advances in the bedroom and isn't even home half the time before i go to bed anyways, like he's avoiding me or something. So i totally know how u feel - like crap!
Don't worry, I'm sure he'll come to his silly senses soon enough :)

I just posted a vent yesterday about pretty much the same thing. MY DH says he can't wait to have a baby, but ignores my advances in the bedroom and isn't even home half the time before i go to bed anyways, like he's avoiding me or something. So i totally know how u feel - like crap!
Don't worry, I'm sure he'll come to his silly senses soon enough :)

:hug: DC. It is so hard especially because all these things that he wants to ignore while you just fall pregnant are happening to your body. It's not so easy to just not notice all the changes that happen each month because they are happening to you. I think sometimes they just don't get that.

I don't really have much else to offer but lots of :hug:

Maybe it was not so clearly worded in my post that noone realised it has been nine long months of 'waiting to see what happens' and DH using me for sex whenever he wanted it because for the first time in 2.5yrs I was interested. Sure if I knew I was ovulating I would say yes where on other occassions I may have said no, but I have certainly not made him think about actually "TRYING" until the last few days. There has been no charting, no temping, no OPKs, nothing except me occassionally mentioning the masses of stringy vaginal goop - usually coinciding hours after we had already DTD and in no way did I make any approaches.

I don't see how me being heartbroken month after month (after waiting 17 painstakingly LONG months to TTC after we were going to originally - thanks PND) for nine months, therefore wanting to take things more seriously is using him and I dont like the implication that I don't know how my DH is feeling.

We share everything and are very comfortable doing so - and this is no different. If he doesn't want to know about it something is wrong... He has made it extremely clear that it is too 'real'. This was just over me saying I wanted to buy a BBT thermometer. If he felt used he would tell me that but seeing as I never initiate sex I hardly see how that is remotely possible.

I was happy to wait and see what happened seeing as DS was a whoopsie pill baby and we thought because of that it may happen quickly but I don't want to wait for it to 'just happen' anymore and he does.

Anyway Im going to stop because obviously I have been misunderstood.

Thanks to all of you for having been there and knowing where I am coming from and to those of you who offered hugs. :grouphug:
I definitely agree that it would be different if they had to have AF every month, it's just a painful reminder. My DH is all sorry when AF pops up but three days later doest give a crap. Shattered.

Oh hun :hug: I feel you. Actually I had to wait about that long to get DH to agree to TTC with me for DD1... I waited 24 months from the time my body started aching for a baby, until he finally gave us the go ahead to try. And then DD1 took 12 months to conceive. Ouch ouch ouch.

Would you feel uncomfortable charting or using OPK's without keeping DH involved? Initiating sex at the right time without mentioning it was the right time?

What I am hearing is that you want DH to be more sympathetic of the deep desires you have for a child, and more sympathetic when those dreams are dashed each month. That is totally understandable and I hope you can find a way to get that from him.

:hug:

:hug:

So know how you're feeling, my HD is "happy to have another baby" but mention seeing a DR and it's all too "real"...........I really wish they could understand what we go through and how much is plays with our emotions!

I just wanted to send you a :hug:
and to let you know that a couple of years ago my DP was the same for many months too. Even to the point of sometimes randomly using condoms... it was very confusing and disappointing. I decided not too make a fuss about it because I knew that if I pressured him he would resist altogether. And he came around, faster than I thought he would actually. And now we've been trying for 18 months and it's taking forever to happen anyway!
They're strange creatures DC... and perhaps behave quite unconsciously when responding to our feelings sometimes.
You might be right that he is not ready... but that doesn't mean he won't be soon.
Hang in there chick.

I think it is mostly he is scared that he will lose his wifey to the big black hole of post natal depression all over again. Therefore "TRYING" to conceive makes it a more valid concern. I don't know how else I am supposed to prove that I am healthy and in control. I have said numerous times that I will see a psychologist during pregnancy if it will help him feel more at ease - and for my own sake but i also think that second time around - WANTing to have a child, and being PREARED emotionally and financially with adequate support will make all the difference.

I completely get where he is coming from with that but I can't make the fact that yes I was a mess for a long time go away.

DragonCookie, Im sure that your DH has concerns about your PND too but as it effects women for many different reasons there is no guarantee that you will even have it again, so I don't think that would be his main concern.
perhaps he was just expecting it to happen like you, and thinks if he just keeps putting it out of his mind ....it will happen and you won't have to be one of those people that TRY to have a baby, especially after having an oopsy baby first....same as us.....
( No offense to those trying for a baby, I am too but some people don't like to be 'branded' as someone that HAD to TRY )

my DH doesn't want to ""try"..... He basically avoids me if I say I'm ovulating, even though he was the one that suggested it was time to have another baby in April. It certainly doesn't help that I took him seriously and put my heart into it straight away,( especially after my miscarriage) whilst he just expected that his super sperm would knock me up straight away, I think it bothers them more than we realize but they don't want to talk or plan or "TRY" for a baby, but they will have sex, when it suits them. I get where you are coming from and I understand your frustration with waiting months.....

I don't have any advice on how to deal with DHs attitude as I'm certainly in the same boat. :( Ive tried talking about how much I want this, especially after the miscarriage, and how we actually have to have sex at a certain time each month. That DS was not simply a fluke but rather good timing... DTD.

I hope that in the next few days you can resolve things, and try to work together towards a baby together as YAS said in her post, it's a joint effort and when they aren't in it with you, you can't do it by yourself, especially emotionally :hug:

My DH wasn't quite like that for TTC but now that I'm pg (found out yesterday) it's not 'real' to him until we pass the 3 month safe zone. It may be a way for him to protect his feelings if we have a miscarriage but it's also weird. Like 'why go to the doctor until it's definite?' 'um because that's what you have to do to start getting care etc... And it is definite!!' he doesn't believe the HPT. I know it's true from what my body says!

And then on the same day he rubs my tummy and says bye to it before going to work and then later that night he tells me a baby name he likes! Confusing or what?


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I think he is in a horrible catch 22 situation. Last time he didn't have to *think* about anything - the decision to have a baby was made for him by fate kwim? Everything that happened after that was out of his hands in a way because it was a progression of what happened previously. You had an unexpected pg, that was OK, you both accepted it and moved forward. Then he was born and you both just kept plugging away at life, doing what you could to make ends meet and all that stuff that goes with having a family to support and then on top of that you had PND and you both had to just deal with it. BUT, this time around he actually has to make all those choices first, not just deal with them as they happen. And that can scare the crap out of a lot of people. It is easy to just roll with the punches when big decisions are taken out of your hands, because often it's the making the decision part that is the hardest. When my DH and I were first discussing having babies, it was just before we got married and I thought we were on the same page with it - to start trying as soon as we were married. But then once we were married and I brought it up he'd completely changed his mind and wanted to wait. He wanted us to have time together as a married couple before we became married with kids. He kept thinking about how we could provide for a baby financially, how he would deal with being a father on an emotional level etc. I was devastated because not only did I feel he broke our 'deal' but also because he was over-thinking things too kwim? It was almost totally irrational and very unlike my level-headed husband to think like that. Lucky for me, we also had a surprise baby too which totally solved the problem because he could stop thinking and just start doing, if that makes sense. He still had his head in the sand for a long time about the pg and baby, but it absolved him of any responsibility to *think* about it all.

I think this is the problem that your DH is having. He probably really does want a baby as much as you, but by not wanting it to be made 'real' by seeing charts and all that stuff, I think that comes back to just wanting all the decisions to be made for him again kwim? All the issues that he would have had to think about and make decisions on if you had both decided to try for a baby years ago are having to be made now and it sounds like he's not good at having to do that. And not helping that is the very real concern that he has about you getting PND again :hug:

Maybe there is some way you can come to a compromise on it. Being able to share everything is one thing - it's fantastic that you can do that - but if it is better for his mindset about having another baby to not know all that, is that a bad thing? I know my DH wasn't interested in the slightest when I charted for our last baby (gender swaying) and he was more than happy to just do what he needed to do without knowing all of the mechanics behind it, kinda like watching a magic show - you love the tricks they do but you don't want to know how they do them. Is there any way you can show him, rather than just tell him, how you will deal with PND if it happens again? Do you think he would go to a joint session with you to talk about strategies for avoiding PND and to maybe talk about his concerns?

I know how it feels to be in that position (even it it was a slightly different situation) and it tears your heart out, but don't give up just yet because it sounds like you two are just on a different wavelength to each other and need to find that common ground.

Trillian; thank you for such a thought provoking and considerate post. I really, tremendously, appreciate it.

:hug:

Here's to hoping those of us with less than desirably interested DH's that the other half pull their socks up soon or our hormonal urges p*** off so we don't have to feel disappointed in them ;)

Thank you for the love, advice, suggestions and support.
Much appreciated.