How do I accept this?

How do I accept that this is my journey?

I mean, I'm here... I'm living it, I'm having the tests, the operations, the dealing with the pain... And yet, I'm struggling with dealing with it all.

I'm absolutely devastated that on Monday I have to go back for more tests. Another new Dr, another person looking at my nether regions.

I just don't know how to keep going. I'm feeling so tired, so negative, just so down about everything.

DH and I had a good talk this morning and he mentioned that for the last 6 months he's noticed that whenever he suggested we go somewhere or go to a friends place, I've not been excited about going, only seeing the negative.

He said that I need to realize the no one is judging me or thinks that I'm failing because I haven't fallen pregnant.

But I still feel that they are. I opened up to a friend who has 2 little girls, back in June about my procedures and the outcome.... I sent her an email pouring my heart out, and nothing. She didn't reply. How can I not take that personally?

DH is fantastic, he is so supportive and wonderful and strong. He keeps telling me that I need to accept that this is our journey.

We were joking around about baby names the other night, I was asking him if he liked these really obscure names that I knew he would hate. And he said "no, you know what name I like" ... And he said the name that we had decided on years ago. The name that we tossed around and said so often at the start of last year thinking that I would fall pregnant straight away. That name hurts my heart now, because I feel like that name is attached to a baby that isn't here. A baby that I can't have. God, this doesn't even make sense anymore...

Ok, I'm done. I'm so tired and sore.

If you got through this, you can expect some virtual chocolate :hug:

:hug:

I wish I knew the right words to say :hug:

Oh Nic, huge :hug: There's really nothing I can say to make it all better for you. TTC is a hard Journey and i really am :pray: that yours is coming to an end and you'll be pregnant soon!

I'd be hurt to if i'd opened up to someone and got no reply.

:hug: xx

Nic, not sure what to say other than give you a big :hug:

I can see this is taking its toll on you and I really wish this road was different..

You have to remember no one is judging you and more than likely they dont know what to say or how to offer support. I know my heart melts for you and I find it hard to say something that will help or make a difference.

As for the name, it may feel like it brings up pain now but when your holding your baby and you will feel such joy..

If you need anything Im only around the corner.. :hug:

Life isn't fair sometimes, I wish I could help more, but all I have is a :hug:

Nic, I hear your pain hunny. Its so totally all encompassing that sometimes its hard to know where to next. The fact that you are continuing shows you have faith even when it is so hard. One step at a time hun. If it helps I believe everything happens for a reason its just up to us to work out what that reason is for each of us. That isn't easy and it isn't something we necessarily want to do. One thing I learned on my LT journey was I became stronger because of it and if faced with other challenges I know I can face them with what I have learnt.

As time went on I gave myself breaks and slowed the process down, appreciating the time and learning to enjoy life a bit more each day. Some days are black but others will have some joy and reason to them, I promise. Sometimes there are steps backwards but really you are going forward in learning more about what is going on and trying different things. Its a hard road to travel but one you have company and support on here. IRL friends find it difficult to know what to say, and I'm sorry your friend didn't respond, that is the hardest thing to bear IME when you open up and there is nothing coming back. We humans are all flawed and don't cope well with sadness & I found that some who hadn't travelled this path just don't know what to say so say nothing. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care :hug:.

Hun you have my share of the chocolate :hug:.
I'm here anytime you want to chat about it.
xx

Thanks girls... I just needed to get it out of my head.

Time is not on my side, so as much as I'd like to take 6 months off the whole TTC bizo, I just can't. DH is 40, we don't have the time to stop.

I just feel broken by all of this. I was in a great headspace last week after the operation. But knowing that there are more tests, more Drs, more money...

Dusty, your description is perfect - my day is black. I hate it, but I don't know how to change it.

:hug: its a tough one hun, we just have to believe as others said that we will succeed and come out of it a stronger person.

rewind a couple of years and I would have been the person on the receiving end of the email you sent- not proudly but I would not have known how to respond either. Its very hurtful to open your heart and not be acknowledged.

i don't know how you can accept it sorry hun, because its not fair and no one should have to xx

:hug:

Hugs honey. Thinking of you.

Hun, I've been exactly where you have, my heart breaks for you. I could have written that exact post only a year or so ago.

Poo to your silly friend for not responding. Just remember that you're not alone and we're here for you. Massive :hug: coming your way. PM me if you need to chat.

Thanks girls, I appreciate your words more than you will ever know :grouphug:

I just have to shake this fog from my head, I need to focus on the positives - we're both healthy, we have the funds to pay for all of this stuff, DH has standing beside me the whole way - and come to terms with the fact that it's ok that I'm here. Because I won't be here for long.

My baby is just around the corner.

:hug:

It's a tough journey babe, but you have all of the right people by your side.

Your DH sounds like a gem - make sure you are both kind to each other and make sure that you're both kind to yourselves. Especially you :hug:

I lost a piece of myself to LTTTC but have gained so much more. It's made me a stronger person, and has made our marriage stronger too.

:hug:

Your little soul is just waiting.

oh hunni, im not sure what to say, but i want to gve u some hugs :hug:

Life can be so unfair to those who deserve the best :hug:

:hug:
Just because you know you have to accept it doesn't make it an easy thing to do. Nor does it mean you cross some sort of acceptance line. There will be days when you cruise along with it, no problems, and it's positive and wonderful, and there will be days when you feel like crumbling. So I think you need some strategies for those crumble days.

And noone thinks you're a failure.

Your baby IS just around the corner. And it's going to be the most amazing and adored baby ever.

:

---

So I think you need some strategies for those crumble days.

---

I like that... Nice choice of words.

I have another appt with my FS on the 10th of Dec, so I will bring this up with him. Asking him for some coping strategies to help me.

:hug:

:hug: Elocin my heart goes out to you. The ttc journey can be so heartbreaking :( I also understand how you feel about the name. We too had names for over 4 years and with each mc I felt like that baby with that name had been lost. Somehow I've manged to reframe that in my mind and the names we love are still going to be used. You will have your baby, I know it's hard to imagine when you are feeling down but don't give up hope xox

:hug: Elocin I'm sorry it can't be easy for you. It does sound like your hubby is a gem and you will be wonderful parents sooner rather than later... It will be a bumpy ride sometimes but we are all here to hold your hand. Take comfort from the girls who have gone before you - your turn will come too :hug:

Elocin, I have no words but to hope your TTC will end soon and you have a gorgeous bundle in your arms.

Through all this pain you are going through, when your bundle does show up it will just be that extra special.

oxox

DH said to me last night that I need to forgive myself.

I'm still not quite sure how to do that, but I like the sound of it. I don't know how to take that next step, how to step away from my little world of guilt and fear and blame.

The biggest thing that I was scared of was DH coming to me and saying that he wants to stop trying, and it being my fault. My fault that we didn't have a baby. I'm slowly realizing that that's not going to happen. I need to start realizing that I need to stop being so hard on myself, realizing that I can do this... I can get pregnant... I will have a healthy baby.

I'm drawing on the inspiration of others on BB who achieved all that I want.

:hug:

Glad to hear your seeing some light at the end of the tunnel!

:

---

I can do this... I can get pregnant... I will have a healthy baby.

---

Because you deserve to.

I think maybe you need to look in the mirror and remind yourself that you are worthy of a little miracle.

:hug: hun. i don't have time to reply properly right now. but i will pm you later.
we are all here for you

:

---

I just have to shake this fog from my head, I need to focus on the positives - we're both healthy, we have the funds to pay for all of this stuff, DH has standing beside me the whole way - and come to terms with the fact that it's ok that I'm here. Because I won't be here for long.

My baby is just around the corner.

---

Yes sweetheart, your baby is just around the corner! I wish you didn't have to go through all this, and I can only imagine how hard this journey is for you. And hun, there is no reason for you to feel guilty, your DH is right, forgive yourself. You never asked for this, and you did nothing to deserve this.

Thinking of you, and praying for you hun :hug:

Oh Hunny :hug:

Dusty has said most of what I was going to say.. and so eloquently :)

There will be days where you feel as though you can do this a thousand times over, and days where you feel that you can no longer do this at all :(
By far, I truly believe this is the hardest thing we can do... I would never wish LTTTC/IVF/AC upon my worst enemy, the pain is heartwrenching and bleak..... and completely uncomprehendable by anyone who has never been here :(

The fact that you are searching for ways to cope shows your strength and determination... and I truly believe that your strength, determination & passion plays a MASSIVE part in your eventual success.

I used to write lists often just to remind myself of what points made me more fortunate than others in similar situations;
My body Does respond to the drugs, we are getting good results, we have the finances to continue etc etc... your biggest strength as far as I can tell is that you and your DH are on the same page.
I honestly believe thats imperative.... and if you both want it as much as each other, that is so so important & necessary xxx

AC is improving everyday, and the best part about BB is that there is always someone on here who has probably taken the drugs you're taking, the procedure you're doing, the emotions you're feeling... real life is not so easy.
Pop in and utilise BB as much as you can and whenever you need it xxx

Its a bummer the TTC journals are no longer... the inspiration of some of the members throughout those journals was just incredible.

Your husband sounds amazing... and his words about forgiving yourself are perfect.
It took me a while to forgive my body for not doing everything right... its all a process... so whilst your forgiving yourself... be kind to yourself as well :comfort:

All of my strength & love your way xoxoxoxo

:hug:

I know it's really hard and I must say there were so many days that I felt so broken and that my body had turned against me. I think the only thing I did to try and cope was to continue putting one foot in front of the other by looking to the next appointment and just breaking it down into smaller steps and ticking them off. I kind of felt I was making progress when I did this.

You certainly have strength of character, as any LTTTCer has, just to continue putting one foot in front of the other. It is the most prolonged stress I have ever been through.

I'm so hoping that this journey will be over for you very soon!

Roads are sometimes long and bendy Nic, there are potholes, and detours....but there is always an end....a destination. That is where you and your DH will together meet your baby. You can do it Hun, I know you can xxxx

Hugs for you

Sending you big hugs i know how you feel, im there at the moment!! What beautiful words and advice people have given..
Be strong and keep smiling x