Hey guys, I was wondering if anyone had any experience with 50/50 shared care?
How did you work it? What effect did it have on the kids?
Or if anyone has any info....even if it's from friends or anything?
TIA x
Printable View
Hey guys, I was wondering if anyone had any experience with 50/50 shared care?
How did you work it? What effect did it have on the kids?
Or if anyone has any info....even if it's from friends or anything?
TIA x
I personally think it depends on the relationship of the ex dp/dh.... my ex dp was a dope head drop kick so heanse i faught tooth and nail and paid $10k to stop him winning the 50:50 share care!
As if you live in different towns/suburbs it can mean different schools etc etc ... worst case scenario but that would depend on waht the judge says ...
Hmmm it's strained but he's not dangerous :( We wouldnt' get judges involved and it's just a thought at the moment.
We'd be living in the same town but half the time i'd be living somewhere else. IT"s either that or I move further away and the kids come with me...
Not sure what to do, so many decisions to make...it's so hard.
Thanks x
My :twocents:, not having done it... but from people I speak to who have, you need to be super duper organised! You need to have a reasonably good relationship with the father or at the very least have an open line of communication and problem solving skills.
As for the effect on the children, it varies as kids are all different and their ability to cope varies. The younger ones have found it more difficult usually, compared to the elder who are able to comprehend what is going on, as the younger miss mummy.
It also depends on how you plan to split the 50/50, I know some who have gone week about which has been too difficult on the children, and others who have gone 4 on, 3 off etc, which works for them and vice versa.
Would you be able to have a trial period to see how your individual children handle the change?
Watching friends do it, it can be an organisational nightmare, I remember the excel spreadsheets used to map the time each parent had the child, any extracurricular activities, appointments etc. Heck they even planned down to the clothing each parent had. Variations had to be discussed and agreed upon in advance.
What we're considering is he has them Tues-Sun one week and Tues-Thurs the next. That way it's only 5 nights and two nights and easier for all of us I think?
Here's my experience (and you know what I do for a living).
Don't do it. It's WAY too hard on the kids. And the research shows it doesn't work for children under 10 unless there are exceptional circumstances. And it can create attachment difficulties for children under 5.
Just my opinion.
I agree with Divvy's post. I do the same thing for a living.
I wouldn't do it TBH, too much of a mess for everyone
Totally agree with divvy. My poor nieces and nephew are evidence of how badly It can go wrong.
Well before XP moved up north he had DD half the time, it was great for all of us. We are planning to do it again when he gets back in April.
It works perfectly for us and the kids...
In saying that, we are on great terms with the Ex and her DF (we spend Christmas mornings together etc) so I think if the relationship was strained it would be difficult to sustain.
Communication is the key - you both need to be able to talk through issues calmly and rationally, always keeping what's best for the kids in mind. It does sometimes require sacrifice and putting aside your own ego (and your ex being able to do the same).
If you're not involving judges and can agree on arrangements between yourselves, maybe try weekends to begin with or shorter periods? You haven't mentioned how old your kids are, but for littler kids it may be easier to start with short periods and build up. Older kids can more easily let you know what they think and involve in the discussions as much as you feel appropriate.
Be prepared for the kids to start acting up as they get used to the new arrangements as well. Make sure both you and your ex have agreed methods of discipline and are consistent - kids work out how to play one against the other remarkably quickly.
Best of luck and hope it works out for you.
Cranky Kitten, we've been split up for 2 years and have always done every weds and every second weekend, so all it'll involve is them going to him an extra 3 nights a fortnight...they will be 10, 8 and 4 when/if we do it.
so it works for some and not for others...it's hard to know what to do...I feel like i'm trying to make everyone happy except myself :(
Stoked...can you go into a little more detail (if you don't mind that is)?
My suggestion. Get all agreements in writing, done by a lawyer. Just in the off chance someyhing happens and gets nasty.
Google "shared care Jennifer McIntosh"
Dr McIntosh is a child psychologist and has done a lot of work and research on the effects of divorce/separation and shared care on children. She used to advocate for shared care but changed her mind pretty drastically after she observed the effects on young children.
Dr McIntosh provides some ideas for when shared care might work, and when it definitely won't. For some families it works very well - usually not those families who end up fighting in Court.
GL!
Ahh I see.
My brother and his ex have shared care with their daughter, which works quite well for them. They have had to make a few sacrifices though, my brother would like to move back to Perth but is staying in Brisbane so he can stick to their arrangement.
Have your kids given any indication of what they'd prefer?
Sorry I shouldn't have left it like that! I can explain better a bit later on when I can get on the PC.
I have a few friends who do it. They are all older now though.
One of my friends & her ex went 50/50, week on, week off. They attend school 25 minutes from here, so she has to drive them 10 minutes to the bus when its her week. They were about 3 & 8 when they started. The youngest was 4 when I met them, so not sure if it started earlier than that or not, but her DS was BF til 3.5, so I assume he was with her mostly.
The other friends DS is 9 & is at the age where he chooses where he wants to be. Mum & dad live a block away from each other & get along ok. He'll be at his dad's for the week, then decide to go to mum's for the night & vice versa :lol:
I do agree that age is a big thing to think about.
I'll go into more detail now!
My ex-BIL insisted on having 50/50 care even though he was a shift worker and it was very hard to 'set' regular days for the children to stay with him. The kids expressed over and over that they were not comfortable going to stay with him half of the time as they felt very unsettled and it was hard for them to get into any routine.
Ex-BIL gets what he wants.. he is that type of person. He told my sister that there was no way he was going to be paying child support to her (which is why he requested 50/50 care). After about four years of these poor kids HAVING to go to their dad's even though they didn't want to (court order) two of them are now suicidal (16 yo and 12 yo) and the other one is the only one who goes to her dad's now as she feels guilty towards her father because the other two don't go. The other two have had letters written to the court from Dr's insisting they stay with their mother until they are well enough to return.
Obviously, this case will be different to yours (and everyone else's) but it was very hard for my sister to witness how unsettled and unhappy they all were but there was nothing she could do about it as there was a court order. She had already fought him in court (and lost) spending $15,000 because she knew how important it was for them to spend more time with her than him.
If you are keen on doing 50/50 i guess you'd have to give it a trial run and see how the children cope. It may work it your case... i just wanted to give you my sister's/neices/nephews experience. Be careful if you have a court order as things can go sour and it's costly to return to court.
I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you can work something out to keep everyone happy.
Good luck x
My parents split when I was 9, my brother was 5 and my sister was 4. They decided to do 50/50 care 3 days with dad 4 days with mum and alternated Friday or Saturday nights. It worked well for my brother and I but my sister didn't cope so she spent more time with mum.
Mum and dad split on good terms, they remained friends so I think that's why it worked. There was never any courts involved cause it just wasn't needed.
The other reason it worked also was because we didn't have after school activities so it didn't need to be worked around.
Hope you can work something out
Thanks guys. We are amicable, we have to be...if there weren't kids around I doubt we would ever speak to each other again. I don't like him and I doubt he likes me but we've never argued in front of the kids, never bag each other out and agree in things like discipline etc...
On ething though, if you do 50/50 does that mean no Child Support? I would have thought it meant half?
Nope. Who pays who then? :lol:
I think it is the kind of thing that can work if no one is forced to do it lol.
A couple of friends do 50/50 care and it works really well. The do live close to their ex partners though.
Yes it means no child support, and you'll also get less from Centrelink.:
Ahh cool, yep we'll be close by each other.
I'm not certain that it means no child support. The calculations are still done and if one partner earns more then they may still have to pay some CS. I think you need to ask CSA.
We still pay child support even though we have a 50/50 agreement...
With our situation we pay a ridiculous amount because DH is on contact with the govt (which means atm, he's on a good wage) and the fact that the ex has been on maternity leave for the last 3 years means that our rate goes through the roof.
Call the CSA Hun, they'll help you out.
Thats good to know, XH is on a good wage so hopefully I should get something then x
Check out what your entitlements would be on the CSA website. Also remember your FTBA will go down a very large amount. I'd expect your CS would also significantly decrease.
I don't know how much XH earns...I know roughly but he won't tell me the amount (fair enough) but if i call CSA tomorrow theyshould be able to give mean estimate right?
CQ - you know how much I love you but can you please sit down and think this through rationally, what it do to you and the kids if this is the person you're thinking of moving closer to be with. You've already been stressing about your xh taking DS for more time. What is putting them through this going to do to your relationship with them, your relationship with your dp, your relationship with your xh. What about when dp gets worse? Something like this is soul destroying, are you all strong enough to go through with this?
:hug: babe, I'm on the end of the phone if you need to talk.
Trust me i've done nothing but...I'm weighing up a lot of options and this is one. It's not the same as DS living with XH full time at all, it's just 3 extra nights per fortnight for all of them, together.
If it's something that does happen then it'll be in about 4 months and after I have talked it through with the kids and with Xh and through someone else. I dont want a mediator, would rather a child counciler and if I thought it was damaging the kids in anyway then I won't do it.
Other options include moving permanently to the SC which is not beneficial for anyone I don't think.
I don't know about DP getting worse...of course i've thought about it, I think about it all the time :(
Thanks hun, I know you're concerned but you know me, so trust me that this is something I will consider for a long time before commiting to anything. And if it goes to ****, whether it's because of me, the kids, DP or XH then no ones moved, nothing has changed, we just go back to the way things were.
Honey it's not that easy to go back once you've been to shared care. If he kicks up a stink then you can't just change- you'd have to go to Court and you may well lose.
Please think this through. Your kids are only little for such a short time. You are the centre of their universe. How will it affect them to be away from you for half the time? How will this affect their security? And how will they feel, knowing that their Mum pushed for shared care because she wanted to be with her dp who is unwell? Please think.
I think that's a bit harsh. Kids have just as much right to see thier dad as they do thier mum, and if CQ wants more time to herself that's fair enough. DD spent half the time at her dads til recently and she is fine. We will be doing it again when he gets back. And we did everything verbally agreed no court or anything. If you think he is responsible enough and it will stay amicable I see no reason not to xx
If it upsets them then I won't do it, honestly and i'm not just saying that, of course they come first. I'll ask them if they want to spend one and a half extra days with Daddy and i'm pretty sure they'll say yes. Because thats all it is, one extra night one week and two the next.
Thanks TM x
Hun, I'm probably sure they will say yes too......but they might not be ready for the reality of it, the upheaval etc, and by then you might end up in more trouble. It may well suit exh not to pay as much cs, are you sure HE will be ok with changing everthing all over again?
Are you sure it's possible if it doesn't work or they don't cope?
From a practical perspective how will YOU cope? You already have a big debt to repay, ALL your Clink and CS payments will drop dramatically and you will be living in 2 places. How will you make ends meet? How much extra will the fuel/kilometers be alone?
Don't you think you might run yourself absolutely ragged with all that driving?
I know you luurve this bloke but what concessions can he make? Wouldn't it be simpler for you to see him 2nd weekends at his place, and he come to see you the other times?
I just think it's too risky to consider. This may or may not work, you have 2 Family Law experts with solid advice it's not too good. You know I'm all for kids having access to both parents and I give as much access to xp as I possibly can....but this isn't going to work much longer. Both mine are having issues with the to and fro, especially now they are older. We have to find another way, it was ok when they were smaller.
I agree with Lu, asking the kids might get one answer, but it's actually got very little to do with what the kids want. What is best for them is often a different thing altogether. Would you ask them if they would like ice cream for dinner? The decision has to be about what is best for them (and that includes whether the driving, to and fro-ing, etc causes stress for them and their parents), not what they want. PARENTS make those decisions, not kids. But I get from what you're saying that you wouldn't do it unless it was best for them anyway.
Yeah it's more like I won't do it if they hate the idea, than I will do it if they love the idea. But I really don't see the relevence to offering them a bad choice for dinner is the same as them spending more time with their father.
Depending on numbers and things I think I can survive financially without any CS from him, I haven't factored in the debt but then I think I will be getting some CS still so that should balance out. Plus if he wouldn't go back to 50/50 then I would be able to pick up extra reception shifts at the gym that I wouldn't be able to do if I had the kids...But I think if we do do it then it will be for a trial period first and with the condition we go back if one of us isn't happy.
The driving shouldn't be a problem as i'll only be driving up and back once a week...pretty much what i do now :/
I don't know...this is the thing...i'm speculating now. I'm gathering information to make an informed decision that we are all involved in. It's just one of a few options but by far the most beneficial I can see to everyone.
When is the first lot of school holidays up there? That might be a good time to trial this if you decided to go this way.
Persephone, I want to apologise for my tone saying this...I do understand what you were saying and I was being narky...i'm sorry :(:
Lu, do you mean them staying with him in the hols? They stayed with him for 6 days this xmas hols...but it was a holiday, not the same as actually living with him I think.