I never thought I could have an amazing BF relationship with DD2 after hell with DD1
DD2 is over 3 months old now :o and I wanted to finally share what a truely amazing experince it has been and the journey we have been on for the last few months.
DD1 was born 7 weeks early, she was on and NGT, and I started with exclusively expressing and slowly we developed a breast feeding relationship, but it was hard work for both of us, I was in pain for every feed for 5 1/2 months, I thought that everyone was pulling my leg in telling me that BF'ing was pain free.... our story is here.
Second time round I had a very difficult pregnancy, unfortunately I am just not designed to carry babies and have to fight tooth and nail to keep them inside baking, but with a LOT of intervention and bed rest we got to 35 weeks, two weeks further that we did with DD1- yay!!
Unfortunately she had to be delivered via a CS because by that stage she had stopped growing, I had no amniotic fluid left, my BP was rising rapidly and I was on a very high dose of Nifedipine in an attempt to stop contractions (side effect of which is lowering BP which was no longer effective at keeping that low or the contractsion at they were down to 3-5min appart), and we were unable to stop the medication or my BP would have skyrocketed, so all in all it was not safe for either of us to attempt a VB.
I was worried what this was going to do to developing our BF'ing relationship, but what I had behind me was experience, knowlegde and confidence to fight for what I believed to be the best approach for us. I knew what I wanted to achieve and I set about finding ways to get it right this time from the start, and had done a lot of reading on BB about establishing good BF'ing relationships and what members had done.
I spoke to my OB, MW and Paed about achieveing skin to skin in theatre, if everything went to plan we would be able to try, I ensured that we had Motilium on hand and would start it early to make sure that there wasn't going to be the supply issues I had with DD1. I spoke with her Paed about interventions and how I wanted to avoid an NGT, and if required use a canula for nutrician if we really have to. We spoke about everything that happened with DD1 (as he was her Paed when we transferred from a level 3 hospital).
After DD2 was delivered I had a short cuddle (no skin to skin), because she was showing signs of repiratory distress, she was blowing bubbles, her breathing was stop/starting and colour was going from her lips, so very shortly after we got a family photo she was taken by the Paed and went into an isolette for a few days and on O2. He spoke with me that he was intervening quickly as he was very concerned that she would develop HMD (Hyaline Membrane Disease of the Premature Infant/Resiratory Distress) because if he could get her stabilised with just O2 she would be able to remain, if not she would have to be transferred to a level 3 hospital and would end up in NICU, with tubes, breathing apparatus and the like, and I knew what would happen.
We were lucky that he acted quickly and once we got through the first few hours we were reassured that we had prevented HMD.
I didn't see her again until I was out of recovery, I was taken to the SCN on the bed on the way back to my room, and she was resting peacefully in the isolette, with the only attachment being the o2 sat monitor - yay!!! She was looking much better as well.
Shortly after settling into my room, they bought her down in the isolette hooked her up to the O2 in my room and plugged in the monitors, and I was able to develop that bond that was so hard with DD1. So even though I wasn't holding her when ever I wanted to, she was there, in my room, and I was able to look at her and let all those wonderful emotions that come with being a mum again flow through my body.
We then brought her out of the isolette to see how she would go with some skin to skin, my gown was opened up and she was placed on my chest and within minutes her saturations began to stabilise, she was where she was supposed to be and she was improving without the O2, I had heard of it happening many times, but to experience myself just brought tears to my eyes.... it just shows how amazing a mothers touch can be.....
We attempted our first BF around 5pm, almost 6 hours after delivery (she had not recieved any other nutrician in this time). The MW bought with her a bottle of F with 20ml of high calorie F in it, and said that if she didn't feed well she would be receiving the F, one bottle won't hurt..... we started with the MW was watching, I could feel those fears flooding back to me, she wasn't attaching or latching on, the MW was hovering poking and prodding, eventually she left and said to see how we go by ourselves. Immediately I began to relax. I quietly begged DD2 to suck to latch on and feed, I encouraged her to open her mouth, tickled her, within minutes of the MW leaving she latched on and she WAS SUCKING and HARD!!! :leap:
I was absolutely thrilled, I never had that with DD1 and I was sooo sooo proud!!! She sucked effectively for a good 10 minutes - and on the MW's return I proudly announced what she was doing, she check and confirmed that she was feeding well and we had made it through that feed and will see what happens at the next one reminding me that we will need to use the F if she doesn't feed well.....
This was then repeated for the next few feeds, but with each feed DD2 grew stronger, she sucked longer and my Colustrum was flowing, I couldn't believe it with DD1 to get any Colustrum was like trying to get blood out of a stone, but this time and after a CS and not a VB the Colustrum was there and I was sustaining my baby girl with it.
Over the next few days we began to battle the scales, she had lost almost 10% of her body weight "the limit" and the MW's were good at reminding me... but on the morning of day 3 her Paediatrician came in to check on her and he said they should just throw away the scales, they cause too many mothers too much stress, and he even said that the 10% 'limit' really shouldn't matter either, you should just look at the baby and look at the mother, if the baby looks good and the mother is happy and comfortable then why intervene, sometimes we just need to give babies and mothers more time, without all of the pressure that comes with a set of scales.
My confidence was given a huge boost, our Paed wasn't like all the rest, he wasn't setting limits or guidelines, I had my ammunition against any MW that said otherwise. On the evening of day 3 my milk started to come in, I had started Motilium that morning as we trying to avoid going through the supply issues I had with DD1 rather than leaving it for a week or so. The following two mornings she had gains of 30 and 40grams, woooo hoooo!!! I was doing it and DD@ was doing it, we were forming a great team, she had a powerful suck, her feeds were lasting 20-30minutes per side, and she was settling well in between feeds about every 3 hours!!!! This was such a big difference to her sister, by the time we were getting breast feed established her feeds were lasting 1 1/2 hours, followed by settling and then I would have to express and byt the time I was finished we would be starting the next feed, this cycle went 24/7. Yet here I was almost twiddling my thumbs!
I had become very engorged and this caused issues, DD2 was struggling to attach, we had gone from a great attachment to fissures of both nipples, they were bleeding a lot, looked like they were being ripped off from the base and very painful *cries* but I knew it would take time to heal and DD@ to grow and improve her attachment again. So I used a combination of EBM and air drying to help them repair, I asked for a nipple shield in attempt to reduce further damage and I would express for 5 minutes prior to each feed to make the attachment easier. All of my experience from last time was flooding back to me, I was setting the rules and doing it my way, I was confident that I knew what I was doing and I wasn't going to be swayed by each different MW with their own opinions.
She then started to lose weight again, the MW's then started to threaten Formula again, but I stood my ground, the losses were not huge and she was still above the "10%" mark just ;), she was having plenty of wet and dirty nappies, so I knew she was getting enough, it was just going to take some time. Her Paed came in again and reassured me that he thought the same, DD@ had developed a wicked tan (aka jaundice), but we agreed that it wasn't that bad, and discussed that her older sister was jaundiced for three months, and it was breastfed jaundice, DD2 was still bright and alert, and doing all the right things, so once again we avoided intervention and decided to just give her more time.
We brought home DD2 after 7 days, weighing 2520grams and with a HC of 33 cm, fully breast fed and in our arms :)
From here we set about getting DD to put on weight, my nipples to heal, get rid of the nipple shields and establish my supply to a good even balance.
I was booked in to return to my OB's offices and the MW's there to monitor DD's jaundice and weight gain, for at least a few weeks, it was taking a long time for my nipples to heal, I was frustrated because it hurt to feed, I was going through that crappiness that I did with DD1.
I would only express when I was really engorged and just enough to release the pressure, but I was astounded by how much milk I was getting, easily getting 120ml from both bbs (double pump) in 5 minutes and still feeling very full.
We returned to the clinic the following week, DD2 was 2 weeks old, she was weighed and had put on 130grams :leap: wow awesome! She was looking still quite jaundice but ash she had put on weight we weren't going to take any action. When we fed her the the MW was laughing as you could hear her taking big gulps of milk she wasn't the quietest of feeders :lol:
Because we had a good gain and I was feeling like I had plenty of milk we decided that over the next few weeks I would slowly wean off the Motilium, just taking a slight reduction each few days so that hopefully it wouldn't affect my supply.
The following week we weighed her again and she had a huge gain of 290grams and was over her birthweight, at three weeks of age!!!
I decided that it was time to get rid of the shields as well, we were back to excruciating painful feeds, and I questioned whether I had made the right decision, I wasn't sure if I had dveloped thrush, or it is was her attachment or what the issue was. But I pushed through and after a couple of weeks of the shields it suddenly became pain free!!
What took 5 1/2 months with DD1 we had achieved in 5 1/2 weeks!!! Wooo hooo!!!
At 4 1/2 weeks of age DD started to develop reflux, it wasn't just a small amount of vomiting, it was horrible, she was chocking on her milk, gasping for air on a number of occassions, screaming the house down, inconsolable, arching her back in pain, it was horrible and scary, she even did it when I was holding her upright. I cannot believe how scary it was holding my baby and her not being able to breathe :( I just held her and cried, apologising for putting her through pain
We got into her Paed and he put her on Losec straight away, he was concerned about the ferocity and speed at which the reflux had developed and didn't want to head down the path of weight loss and feeding aversions.
She has ended up on an adult dosage of Losec and that is only just getting her through a 12 hour period, and it doens't look as those we can reduce the meds anytime soon, she is still throwing up a lot and we have gaviscon to add to the mix but the two times i have tried it is hasn't worked but I may have to try a different time during the feed to give it.
But here we are we have passed 3 months of EXCLUSIVIE BREAST FEEDING, not a tube, or a bottle has touched DD2's mouth, nor a drop of formula or alternative nutrician, she has grown to a whopping 5.1kg, her big sister was only 5.5kg at 6 months of age!! We are on no motilium, I have full confidence in my ability to breast feed, and while we went through hell and high water to achieve a breast feeding relationship with DD1, I never imagined that I would be here at 3 months in this position with DD2.
I am so so so proud and I hope that this can provide inspiration for those who have had it tough with the first BF relations or even for the first and second (or more) attempts at BF'ing there is hope and it can be done.
So I am celebrating, I stuck to my guns the whole time, I had confidence that I could do it and that DD2 could do it and we were going to do it our way and in our own time, and we did!!
Thanks for reading :D
