girl crying at childcare

took DD to a little orientation the other day as she starts daycare/kindy in a few weeks. we have popped in a few times and she is handling it really well. however, i just want a few opinions. there was a girl there for her first time and her mum stayed for half hour. then she snuck out whilst her DD was reading with the rest of the group. when her DD realised she was gone, she started to cry. it was so sad to watch. she then went to one of the teachers, who was reading to the group. she started to climb all over her and cry. the teacher kept reading and tried to comfort her a little bit. then the little girl run from one of the centre to the other, screaming and then started to dry reach. it was just so sad for me to watch this. the two teachers comforted her a little bit but not too much because they had 16 other kids to attend to.

i just want to know what everyone thinks about this? the little girl cried on and off for about an hour. she did come out of it and was fine after that and started to play.

i'm so very anxious about leaving DD there for the first time in a couple of weeks, i just hope she doesn't scream for an hour and wants me because i won't be there. but if it means that after a few times she loves going to kindy (which is what happens to a few kids and they just want to keep going back and love the interaction) then i guess that's fine, right?

Hi Megb!!
My DD's go to cc (from ~ 9months) and DD1 has had big separation anxiety issues. Having said that she is generally fine after I leave and if DH drops her off there are no issues.
We have always been very honest about the fact we are leaving and make a point of saying goodbye and going promptly after making that point - sounds silly but the prolonged goodbye makes it worse for everyone. I was advised that whilst sneaking out is easier on me it would make her less confident in me.
I have known people whose kids were upset at school still and that is really unavoidable unless you are up for homeschooling......
I guess be guided by the staff and see how you go. I definitely think explaining to her why and how things are going to work may help too.
Good luck!

That would have been so sad to see meg :( I was like that for the first couple of days at school, I didn't want to go. The first day the teacher held on to me, while I held on to mum and cried. The teacher made mum leave and I was a mess. The next day I knew it was coming so I clung on so hard. Mum did take me home that day, and I slept the whole day. She thinks I just wasn't ready.

On the third day, she chatted to me about school all morning. Like how the teacher was nice (we actually knew her outside of school), I got to spend the day with friends, she'd packed me a special lunch, and that I was being a big girl and would be home soon to tell my little brother all about it. She told me she'd stay for five minutes, and then she would go and I'd see her in the afternoon. I think that chat and knowing how it would work helped, I was prepared and I was ok at school from then on.

Personally (and I haven't been in the situation myself so just speculating) I don't think I'd want to sneak out on my child. I'd prefer that she was prepared and knew it was coming. I hope your daughter handles it well, and I'd say being there already with you to check it out would help :hug:

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it is so heartbreaking to see isnt it.
at DD1's day care a carer would have come along and scooped her up and given her a big big cuddle then taken her off to go do an activity that would distract her enough to calm her down.
poor little poppette

I think the staff have to deal with children being upset when parents leave on a regular basis So have learnt the best way to deal with it. My son is 15 now & he did it when he was little too. As Mak said, say good bye with the hugs & kisses, say see you this afternoon after your play then leave. Even if she is upset for a little while, it should only be the 1st few times. I must have been a horrible child, I remember my 1st day, other kids were crying & my mum was hanging around but I told her "you can go now mum!" Lol, Mum says that hurt her more then if I was upset! ITMS?
Personally I think sneaking off is the worst thing you can do because a child would be looking for where mum went & maybe she is still here. Then when she is back, the child would be scared to let mum out of her sight incase she dissapears again.
That's just my opinion though, I think you will work out what works best for you & your little girl. But I promise you, she will love it!

Our centre tell parents to never sneak out always say goodbye and then leave.
Yes prolonged goodbyes can be bad and sneaking out is as bad or worse.

I won't tell you your child won't cry, but the behaviour you saw with that little girl is not necessarily 'the norm' either. Most kids are fine within 5 minutes and if you are worried you can always say goodbye and then hide so you can see how she is settling in

My youngest daughter almost 3 is absolutely shocking when I leave her at daycare and it's been going on for close to 6mths.
My heart breaks every time I leave her but I have to leave her.
I try not the extend the goodbye process. I tell her I love her will pick her up afterwards and leave.
Her carer knows her well enough that they pick her up and cuddle her as she HOWLS.
I then stand out of view of the room and wait til I can here she has stopped. Seriously it's less the 2 mind I pop my head in and she is normally happy so I leave.
The day care has taken photos once all day to show me she is happy there.
The whole thing is horrible for me and her but I'm hoping it won't go on for ever.

As a teacher I tell parents never to sneak off, that promotes high levels of anxiety as the child can't afford to ever let you out of their sight as they can't "trust" you IYKWIM?? I know its hard (mine have all had their moments) but I usually call after about 15 mins and find they are fine. Some children just take longer than others to get used to CC, even DS goes through phases now and he has been going since he was 8 months!
It breaks your heart but you have to be strong to show your child that its a good place you are leaving them in and that you are happy about it.

Yep- DO NOT SNEAK OFF! It may seem nice for the parent to get to leave without seeing their child crying but it is far worse for the child :( Better to warn your child you are going soon, plan with a carer that you are leaving, say goodbye, hand your child over to the carer then leave (even if they are crying). They will be able to calm down better knowing what has happened.

That said, some carers are not as sympathetic and consoling as I would like so if you have concerns about these carers I would be questioning whether it is the right place. I'm not saying it's not just based on what you said, but I think you need to observe some more or ask how your gut felt about the care being given.

I agree with meow, if you're feeling iffy about the carers maybe try somewhere else. For me it was of utmost importance that I trusted the carers to comfort Pie, and to call me if she wouldn't settle.

It took about 2 weeks for her to settle in & it broke my heart every time I had to leave her. I did the same as beatrix, some days I would listen at the door so I could hear that she had stopped. And they always cuddle her, in fact it is rare to walk in the room & no-one with a little one in their arms. Even now if she needs a cuddle when I go, she gets it, and I have seen her go to her the girls for a cuddle when she needs it- they are all very affectionate & I love it that she gets that from them & more importantly, that she knows she can get it.

She has been going to LDC now for a bit over 6 months & still has her odd days when she protests me leaving, other days she couldn't care less, I have to go & find her so I can say goodbye :lol:

Saying goodbye can be hard in the short term, but much much better long term.

TBH I completely understand your concerns & seeing that would have made me wary, too. Maybe you can have a chat with them about it (in a general sense) and let them know how you would like it handles, let them know you expect to be called if she's overly distressed.

Hi,

I agree with PP that sneaking out is not the best thing to do. It creates anxiety in the child. My DD has been in DC since she was around 12 months old (3 days a week). We have gone through various stages of tears, but the majority of the time she is happy to be there. My advice is also to make the good bye succinct. I give DD a kiss and a cuddle and say Bye-Bye, Mummy is going to work now - I will be back to pick you up after high tea (or whatever time it is that I am picking her up). I think that if you can be very clear of when you are picking them up and then also KEEP that promise to them, they build up trust that you will be back. If DD is a little clingy one of the carers will always come over to have a cuddle with her whilst we are leaving and also to start distracting her with an activity.

It is such a hard time adjusting to them going to DC, but in my experience I think it is harder on Mummy than bubs! I have to say though that at our DC centre if a child had been like that, they have really strict rules about never leaving a child to cry - they would comfort them and spend the one on one time to get them back on track. I know it is hard on the carers when they have so many children to look after, but the have it down pat at our centre - it truly amazes me!

Talk to your carers about your expectations also. Get an idea of what their methodology is and let them know what YOU want them to do. Another thing I do is I call every day in the afternoon for a brief chat with the room leader to see how DD's day has been and to find out how she has been in herself. If I am particularly concerned due to a tearful drop off I will call about an hour later to see how she has settled down.

GL!
Janie xxx

I'm another that believes you should be honest with your child and not sneak away. The CC I've booked my DS into advises the same thing.

It occurred to me that if my DH and I went somewhere and he disappeared without saying goodbye or telling me he was leaving, it would create huge anxiety in ME, so why would I do it to my child?

Also, a friend of mine has a 3y/o who cries at drop-off but is fine within five minutes, once she's been redirected to an activity. It's developmental and normal, and hopefully your CC is able to respond appropriately. Certainly screaming and dry-retching should be granted some more attention because that would be so stressful for the child, and for others watching.

It is a hard thing to make a call on because you just don't know the background to the situation. Generally goodbyes are handled as agreed by the parents and the carer and sometimes carers have to do things they don't feel comfortable with because it is what the parents request. Certainly the girls reaction doesn't sound like the typical response I have seen at CC, so it may be a tactic they are trailing to improve the tricky situation that could have been developing or going on for months - you know comforting her to a reasonable degree then giving her space to work it out for herself.

So I guess the question you want an answer to is how will the carers deal with your DD in accordance with your wishes? And would this be more of less in accordance with carers at other centres?

I can't say don't worry about your DD because it is a big step and a bit of worry is par for the course, but lots of kids take 2 or 3 weeks to get into the swing of things then never look back, and those who do have a few tears often get over then within a few minutes of the parent leaving.

thanks for all of your responses. we decided not to go with this centre. just not a good gut feeling. however, we've found another great one and DD loves it.

I'm so glad! I didn't feel good from what you wrote and I'm glad you found a place you and your daughter are happy with :D

thanks meow. i dropped her off this morning for her first day. i'm so upset and she was like "bye mum" and gave me a hug. i came home to quietness and now DS has gone to bed. i walked past her room and cried too. i'm a woos!

Big hugs to you xxx I think it is often hardest on us and the little ones tend to take it all in their stride. Just wait for pick up time and how happy she/ you are to see each other. Oh and the stories that she will have to tell you about her day will be just magic.

Janie xxx

I know this is a late reply, but I felt I should add. I have been working in the child care industry for 9 years. I have worked at some really good and really bad centres.

My current centre is absolutley fantastic when it somes to separation. We make a huge deal about the orientation period. We give families 2 weeks free care, where they come, hang out, play, mingle, chat and get to know the staff, kids and families. This allows their child (and the parents) to see what the centre is all about. To see that it is a safe place. You just have to think- children are being left in a place, where they dont know anyone, they dont know where their things are, they dont know where the toilet is, when they will eat, what they will eat, strangers are changing their nappies/wiping their bums etc. Its SCARY. So if you are starting at a centre, make sure you do an orientation (it may not be free in other centres). Its your right to get to know the place and staff. There should be no policy in centres that say "parents cannot stay", most centres have an open door policy anyway!

As for saying goodbye- its a MUST. Although it may upset a child, its more upsetting for them to turn around and your gone. We ensure that children see their parents when they say goodbye, before going off into an activity, or to just sit and cuddle. We also encourage short days to start off with. 1hr, 2hrs, 3hrs, then build it up to the hours your child will be attending normally (also apart of orientation)

Starting at a new "school" will be frightening for children, thats why its important to take your time, talk about what will happen, talk about how they feel, show them around the centre, introduce them to children/carers around them. Its also frightening for parents- this is your baby, your pride and joy, the love of your life. Make sure YOU feel comfortable with the centre too (routines, philosophy, program, staff)!

Thoroughly agree J-Lo - I mightn't be a childcare worker but my DD started long daycare at just shy of 4 months old. It was a little easier on her being so young, she attached quite well to the qualified carer in the babies room and all the staff were really gentle with her and went out of their way to make sure I was comfortable leaving her with them.

Strangely enough, she went through a stage at around 8-12 months old when she cried every time I left her, then again at around 18 months. I think it is purely a developmental thing as most of the time by the time I got to work and called to check up on her she was fine. I did appreciate that DD's centre really did have an open door policy and were only too happy for me to ring them to put my mind at ease - it certainly made things a lot easier to handle.

I found always talking to DD about what was happening, what time she was being picked up (usually by Daddy rather than me at the time) and getting her to talk about her day really helped. Certainly I would never try to sneak out without saying goodbye, even though she'd been going for ages and goodbye most days was a quick peck on the cheek before her racing off to join her mates.