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Hmm tough one. On one hand if you are telling her the same stuff that you tell us - well there isn't any wonder she thinks that of him you know? If you don't paint him in a positive light for her, she can't see it herself because she only goes off what you tell her.
Her hatred for him is probably just her protecting you - like you would do for Kailey.
I'd suggest that if you want to improve their relationship - start making out to her like he is the best thing since sliced bread and thats why you can't live without him.
no advice babes, just loads and loads of :hug:
I kinda agree with this dahl. I know its nice to be able to vent to your mum but it sounds like she is trying to protect you when you don't need it. Maybe decide to just vent on here and leave your mum out of that loop.:
By the way my mum was a bit the same. She didn't hate my df but my venting about him really coloured her opinion of him. I had to stop talking to her about him.
I agree with Arimeh's Eden, you can't really blame her, you are her daughter. When you vent to her, she feels your pain and only wants to protect you. As far as your DP saying he doesn't want your mother to be part of Kailey's life is very wrong. I really think they both need to sit down and sort all this out, for Kailey's sake, she will be the one to suffer.
Regards,
Dianne
:hug: It's a tough one to deal with, my mum wasn't keen on my x-DP either, and he's the father of my DD.
Eventually we got it to a stage of tolerance, where she tolerated him and he tolerated her. It essentially involved my saying to my mum that "this is my choice. I understand that you don't approve or like it, however it is my life and this the choice I am making, for reason blah, blah and blah. I do not expect you to like him, however I do expect you to be polite and accept that he is a part of my life and will remain so as we have a child together. For my sake, please bear this in mind when he is around"
Probably would say also that venting about DP to your mum is giving her free ammo and may be poking at the protective instinct without your realising it - have you got a good friend or other 3rd party that you can vent to instead?
I would stop venting to her about him. I know it will be hard as my mum is the first person I usually turn to when my DH p!sses me off but that way she wont have any new ammo to use against him.
Block/hide her on FB then you cant see what she writes about him and it wont upset you.
You cant change what you cant control and her feelings towards your DP is one of those things.
If you defend him she is most likely going to dig her heels in more so ignore it and play up his strong good points to her instead.
Tell her to get over it. No seriously, tell her. You are happy, this is who you are with, this is your partner and the father of your child. Her attitude will come through Kailey, and any other childreen you have and that's not on. Tell her that. I had to tell my parents, you need to accept it and treat my partner with respect and acceptance or you will be the ones missing out on me, and on your granddaughter. They came to the party, after they realised that I was deadly serious about my threat to cut them out. They might be my parents, but if I am in a loving, committed, respectful realtinoship with someone who makes me happy and who treats me right, then they needed to realise that THAT was all that mattered. Sure, they might not get along. You can't expect eveyone to get along, heck I sure don't get along with my in-laws *shudder* but I don't disrespect them!
My DH and my mum can be somewhat the same. DH and I have been together for almost 13 years and still there can be tension in the air (didn't help that they had a massive blowout not long after DS1 was born...to the point it took about a year for my mum to visit while DH was around). I too have learnt not to vent too much to my mum about DH, not that I did much anyway- kinda learnt that from the start as we (he was a friend of my brothers) had known DH and his sometimes silly behaviour before we started going out. Try and only point out the more positive sides to your DP and hopefully in time your mum can see the good that you see too.
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I agree with Mel, maybe vent in BB or with someone else? It seems as though your Mum is lead too easily by it.:
Big hugs to you, it is very difficult when family do not get on, sometimes I wish I could slap them and tell them to get over themselves.
xoxo
M
oh i understand...My mum and Dh get along...BUT, my mum thinks he will leave etc we have been together 8 years...
Soo i guess you best plan of attack is let you're mum know that it is not ok for her to spea about you're DP like she is, she needs to respect you and you're wishes.
Mums are like that but just tell her
:yeahthat::
And stop venting to her! She is your mum, not your girlfriend, and her response to you being walked all over is going to be the same every time, so stop giving her the ammo.
ETA: If an adult came into my 15 year olds life and started dating her etc I would be pretty ****ed too. Can't really blame her for that one, but she needs to move on. So tell her, then just don't get into again.
BIG HUGS HUN!
I soooo know how you feel. My mum has been the same with all of my partners. I think its a power thing. No matter what DH does for me, he is fabulous, she only ever sees him to be evil and everything is his fault.. its his fault i live an hour and a half away from her because he is the provider in my family and we have to live across the road to his work in a company house as it is part of him being a manager.. or its his fault i dont come up and visit more often because *supposibly* he wont drive me.. not that i have ever asked him to drive me there, he works all week for goodness sake, and my mum gives me no support while im at her place anyways. I have learnt not to tell my mother anything negative about anyone around me (DH or friends) even if i was just wanting to have a little vent about something.. as she just turns it back on me and makes them out to be the worst person in the world.. when theyre not, i just wanted to get something off my chest.
Your mother should treat your DP with the same respect he treats her. If she doesnt like him, then she needs to bite her tongue for your sake.. well thats what i would do as a mother. I would be telling him, like you did, to stand up for himself. Still act like an adult about it all, but tell her he doesnt appreciate being spoken to in that way. Might also be an idea to tell her you dont appreciate her running down your DP either, especially to the facebook world. I had to do that one year when my mother blamed my DH because i refused to drive to and from my parent's place one Christmas day, because SHE wanted us there, even though DH's father had only passed away the month before and i didnt want to take my kids away from their toys on that day. All DH's fault in her eyes.
:hug: i really understand how youre feeling and I hope you can get it sorted hun xx
I agree with some of the posts here. Especially what LimeSlice said about your age difference. It might not seem like a big deal now but if a 21-22 year old came sniffing around my 15 year old daughter I would call the police. Either that or set my DP onto him!!! lol Especially as it is actually statutory rape. Similarly, if he has ever hurt you physically (whether it be a push, a shove, slap, hit or punch, whatever) I would probably never be able to forgive him if I was her. Mothers want what's best for their children. It's hard to forget, let alone forgive things that have gone in the past when it comes to our babies.
n2l
i agree with indadhanu and lime
my mum did this to me just 2 months ago!!! and it was over cause while i was in labour my DH didnt talk to her... wtf???
not normal!!!
Babe mums are mums and they are always going to have an opinion .... BUT THATS IF YOU LET THEM... you need to put your foot down and let her know that she is your mother and shouldnt interfere when this is your life (DP and DD)
i now dont tell my mum nothing so that she has no ammunition to shoot my DH with.. i would rather go crazy then have a war with me and my kids stuck in the middle...
For your sanity and for your family you need to tell her enough is enough.. or it might come at a great cost itms?
Hmmmm, yeah that too. My post was made on the assumption that you ARE in a respectful, loving relationship with someone who treats you right. If Jazz was with someone who had intentionally hurt her, physically or emotionally, I certainly could never be anything more than mildly civil to them, at least not for a LOOOOOOOOOONG while, and not until I was quite sure that the person in question had actually made steps to change and work towards a respectful, safe relationship. If you are venting to her about him being lazy, inconsiderate etc, she probably thinks he hasn't changed and you are still being hurt.:
I agree with some of the posts here. Especially what LimeSlice said about your age difference. It might not seem like a big deal now but if a 21-22 year old came sniffing around my 15 year old daughter I would call the police. Either that or set my DP onto him!!! lol Especially as it is actually statutory rape until you are 18. Similarly, if he has ever hurt you physically (whether it be a push, a shove, slap, hit or punch, whatever) I would probably never be able to forgive him if I was her. Mothers want what's best for their children. It's hard to forget, let alone forgive things that have gone in the past when it comes to our babies.
The age thing - is hard. Once you hit your 20's it doesn't seem to be a big thing, but I think the difference between 15 and 21 is huge... Still, you are in your 20's now, and even though your mum probably (understandably, I am sure I would too, and question the motives of a 21 year old man trying to date my 15 year old school girl...) felt he was taking advantage of you, she needsto open her eyes and see that you have been together for a while and made a committment of an engagement and a child.
hey babes,
i could have written your post word for word.
As you know i am much older than you are so please receive this as sisterly advice.
I vented to my mum about DH for about 10 years and she has ALWAYS used it against me. She always tells me to break up with him, end my marriage. Never any good piece advice about our marriage such as "do this or do that" always "you know hes not gonna change" or "i know this marriage is going to end, so just give up trying" etc.. Again, my mum doesn't like him because i eloped.
I have only just awoken to the fact that i have let my mother just a bit tooooo much into my life. I have given her too much power over my life. I stood up to her one week ago, she left and i haven't spoken to her since. It's sad, but do you know how good i feel? I feel friggen awesome. Don't have negativity in my life anymore.
So, i don't want this to happen to you, so please don't vent to her. When you know she is about to say something negative about you, your bubba, your DP, your new "family", you stop her before she opens her mouth. You don't let her say anything bad, because she is instilling bad thoughts/opinions into you and it will affect your relationship in some way now or in the future.
xxoo
maybe i should put my words into abit more context-
i was in your position too my ex dh was 20 when i met him and i was 14, my mum screamed blue murder and he swooped her off her feet got her daughter(me) preg at 16 then again at 17 then cheated on me when i was 19...left me a single mum of 2 babies and has made my life a living hell since... but due to that my mum has never trusted another man in my life since..
i get that side from your mum as her first instinct is her baby (you) and now her babies baby (dd).. if she see's him using and abusing you she goes into mother mode but if she only hears what yoou tell her then thats different...
My mum always used to get me to leave my DH now and her thing reply when i used to say and what bout the kids mum.. was
"You've done it before you can do it again" now thats just her being a B**** and being selfish and really caring about us at all just herself and her personal gain.. but i tell her this is my marriage ans when you go to bed at night your in bed with your dh and then where am i? not in that bed am i?
i didnt mean what i said as in to shut her down and be abusive towards her cause we are all mothers and we all know that feeling of if something ever happens to our babies we'd kick a**
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Why is she still even in your life?
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:hug: its hard when your mum is a cow. yup thats how she sounds! i know its tough when you need her and she cant just be there, without any baggage/bitterness.
sometimes it is better to leave them behind and hope that one day they will get over it. compleatly diffrent, but my mum wasnt in my life from 16 when she threw me out, for the seccond time, untill ds2 was 18 months (think i was 20?), now i cant get rid of her, and she has caused that many dramas, its not funny! but im learning to ignore the bad and put up with the rest for the kids, they love her to bits, i have given her warning, tho, that i would rather have df and the kids in my life, happy then have her arround causing dramas, once she realized i was seriouse, she has made an effort, and left her dramas away from me, even thou they find there way to me eventualy :shakehead:
:
You are treated the way you allow others to treat you. This isn't about being forgiving, it is about self-worth and self-respect.
You have your own family now, and it isn't your mother. Go back to the beginning and cut the toxic shyte from your life. And by the sounds of it, the beginning of this is your mother.
You must demand better, what you deserve. If she cannot do that and sustain it, then you move on and you have lost nothing.
If she does and can do it and sustain it, all the better, but it is no more than you need and deserve.
:hug:
If you lend a friend $100, and you never see them again, then it is the best $100 you ever spent. Think about it.