ive never really spoken about it, i never wanted to open it up.
ive kept him hidden as i dont want to share him or his memory with anyone, just myself.
he was my little man i first met on the screen and he was having abll inside me, growing and waiting for me to hold him and love him.
This is my little man isaiah.. my lost boy at 26 weeks, my eldest ds's twin brother.
Ive tried to write this over and over again but none of it makes sense when i do.. i guess i wasnt ready.. but after nearly 10 yrs, why not?
My boys will be 10 in april, i would of loved to see them grow together and have that oh my gosh which one is which, but i feel like it was taken away from me, stolen..
I was 16 when i fell pregnant exactly one month after my bday in june i found out i was 8 weeks pregnant, so i guess i was 15 but ehhh who cares about that..
I was so scared and so excited at the same time, i had been so lonely half my life i was happy to have someone to love and cherish and give a life better than any i had of had.
I had all my normal tests but at 12 weeks on my u/s the lady was sooo quiet, i thought maybe my baby had left and wasnt ready to be mine yet, but she kept asking me how do you feel? fine i guess, why? cause i think you should come look for yourself.. i was 16 and never ever seen a baby on these things so i had no idea what i was looking at...
my reply, oh wow thats cute, the lady looked at me and goes hun, i hope you have alot of support, your having twins...!! I practically nearly fell off the chair.. what? twins? how? im only a baby myself.. i was so scared but over joyed!! god wanted me to have 2 perfect little people to give all my love too, one must not of been enough..
at 23 weeks i was vomiting so much i was vomiting blood, i couldnt eat, drink nothing it was crazy, i went to the hossy and was admitted through emergency.. i had put on so much weight due to the pregnancy and i was also suffering from pre-eclampsia.
I hated my life that day, really did, they dr's always gave me that look, "here we go another child having a child, what is wrong with her? one even suggested adoption and i was just in tears... i couldnt handle the judgment and i was so ill.. No lie, i had about 7 internals.. from 7 different dr's. I was screaming in pain but they didnt care, they said this is what happens when your pregnant. my mum was ready to knock them off their stools. I hadnt eaten in 32 hrs so they hooked me up to a drip and told me to rest as i was very dehydrated. i left there 6 days later with no answers just a sore hoohaa and a regret for even thinking they would treat me like any normal pregnant woman..
so then at 33 weeks i complained that i felt like i had too much pressure on one side then normal and that it felt like one of them was treading on the other, they assured me it was normal due to limited space and seeing as i was only 16 and growing myself they had little sympathy, "just some growing pains love"..
I got to 38 weeks still the same sore pain and still not much movement.. but i could still feel them and i swear i felt him turning around on occaisions. i had my dr appt that day and i told him and burst out crying i knew something was wrong it didnt feel right at all, but no one would listen to me, and after my last experience at the hossy i was in no hurry to go near them again.. he said to me he would book an ultrasound for the following week and see whats happening.. He was in no hurry to check it out, he said the doppler results where fine.. so no need to worry
I wait a week and still same pain not much going on so i try and stay positive,
it comes the day i have been waiting for and wanting to see my babies, i walk in sit down and nearly have an anxiety attack, xdp is sitting there looking at me and saying its ok relax they are gonna be here soon.. OH but how he was wrong!
I go in and the rest is a blur.. i remember oh im so sorry and then vomit... i spewed all over xdp and the floor and screamed for hours... the nurse even started crying.. she couldnt believe no one had listened to me.. She goes oh hun your so young, im so sorry.
My little man had died at 26 weeks from Twin to Twin syndrome.. i was so angry and so tired from that moment i wanted to make someone pay, i marched straight out and down to the ward where they do the visits nd started abusing every nurse and dr who didnt listen to me... the people waiting where in shock but i didnt give a s**t.. i was hurting and i wanted someone to pay!!
The u/s nurse came and the dr and took me into aroom with xdp and said "we are so sorry, we were sure everything was ok, i heard the heart beat last week, im sorry"
It was my other babies heart beat and the placenta he heard no tmy lost babies.
I was being admitted that day anyway as i had high blood pressure and etc from the pre-eclampsia and he sent a social worker and a grief cousnellor to help me get it out,..
pretty sure they were trying to cover their arse's..
I kicked myself for ages.. Why didnt you demand a u/s!! why didnt you let them deliver you at 30 weeks like they wanted too? Why did i get punished? or the what if's but no answers.. i hated my life that day and contemplated taking mine and my other babies life that day i wanted everyone to be in pain too.. i didnt want to do this anymore..
My xdp was the best person that day.. he never let me go.. he was crushed too but didnt want to show me, he wanted to be there for me..
They did a whole lot of tests and 3 days later i was induced and birthed my little boys, nautrally with no drugs, just my love.. I was so happy to see my ds1 come and scream at me, he also had the cord tangled 3 times around his neck and was quiet bruised..
He was born with fluid on the lungs and developed pneumonia and we had a huge road ahead with my boy sam..
Little isaiah was born 2nd, he was so tiny and wasnt very recognisable as he had been in there so long he hardly looked like a baby but he was my baby!! he was so beautiful and i took photos of him and sam together, and dressed them the same.. i was in so much pain i didnt want to let go of him..
Isaiah was buried on the 16 of april 2001. he was my baby and he was never anything less.. the dr's came to his funeral and paid him a visit when he was born.. i let go of the hate and anger and looked to the future with sam and knew that my boy was always there..
I may of been 16 but i did what every other mother did.. i loved my children..
