Firefly... 12 months on... (losing a twin)
The night before my birthday, I was blissfully happy and pregnant, scared ****less as well of having another prem but still in that blissful happy stage...... and then it all changed
That gush of blood and it was the beginning of a massive ride which I am terrified of travelling again (next time it will be different wont it?... there will be a next time won't there... some days yes other days I don't know)......
We had two babies... and I was told this that first night, but it took a long time to actually sink in... I think it was 4-5 days before I actually really realised that I (was) carrying twins....
I was in shock, complete and utter shock........
I spent my birthday...watching a mouse run in and out from under our fridge each time getting more and more game with how far he/she ventured.... I hate mice..... I then went into my OB's office.... yay.. not... it wasn't good news and it wasn't fun... and it was bloody hard sitting in that waiting room surrounded by big round reaching the end of their pregnancies bumps. Oh how I want to be in their place, oh how I wanted to skip all this stuff. But little did I know that it wasn't going to be just that bad. It was going to get a lot worse... a lot scarrier and out of control.
I am not going to relive the whole pregnancy because I know it too well and most of you do as well.... I shared it all, I poured my heart out... at times I hid or just curled up on the couch wanting it to end (but not wanting it to end... because we don't want it to end prematurely or at all do we?....) I don't want to live it again now... I live it every day... every day I look at my baby girl, my beautiful calm serene (except when BAD MUMMY forgot to get the Losec prescription filled early enough crying upset inconsoible)... baby girl... and knowing that something is missing...
She knows it too.... so many times I have put her to bed or gone it to get her and she is looking up........ hanging above her bassinet is an angel an beautiful gift from a very special mother... but it is the way that she looks at it. I can't describe (or even begin to) the look that is on her facce, it is not something I have seen before and I don't see at any other time.
Such a wise knowing but wanting to know more face.... she looks up to this angel, really looks at it...... her protector, the source of her serenity.
I do at times wonder what would have happened if our sweet little firefly hadn't flown that graceful flight.... but those thoughts make me sad and empty.... because I know that if I had carried both my body would not have been able to cope..... the struggle to keep one baby inside was almost insurmountable.... we did get there but it wasn't that blissful wonderful joyous event that pregnancies should be
So today I hold I breathe I soak in my baby girl...... and send my love (everlasting love) to our sweet little firefly who left us... on the same day I was born....
I am writing this today because last year there was no birthday, no presents no celebration.... but this year there will be..... because I need to draw that line in the sand ________ and while I will always remember my precious little firefly....... I need to put all my energy into my girls with me now
My thanks go to all who have supported me (us) held us up over the past year... listened to me... waited..held their breath and crossed their fingers.........hugged (virtually and real)... you have no idea how much you have helped (and still do)......
xxoo
