Jayvan

I haven't been in this part of BB for a while. It seems once you finally get your bubba you feel the need to distance yourself from the horrible things that once were. Well, I did anyway... I have my little baby now, so there shouldn't be a problem, right?

I don't know why I'm writing this. But I need to get it out, because I never have.

Every now and again I do this to myself. I get out Jayvans photo album to imagine what once was and what could have been. I know I shouldn't. What could have been would have resulted in not having Jackson, and I can't imagine my life without his little cheeky smile in it.

It starts off with ultrasound pics. A perfect little bubba just floating around there in the womb, everything looking pretty hunky dory. I smile at these while I take note of how many months and weeks I have left of pregnancy innocence before it's all taken away from me.

The next lot are photos I didn't take, but the midwife who helped me deliver him took them for me. They're fuzzy, unfocused, grainy, and poorly printed. Really crap. I could have taken way more better photos but I didn't, because I was too chicken and after I peaked over at him laying on the bed next to me, and then being taken away in his little bassinet I never saw him again. I never touched his skin. He never felt a warm mummy cuddle. I just sent him away, wrapped in a little rug, in ultimately what was a little plastic box.

What kind of a mother doesn't touch their baby? I'll regret it every day for the rest of my life. Every. Single. Day. My first baby, who never got a cuddle, who I never told I loved him, who never had a first photo with Mummy, or Daddy, or a kiss or anything. He got nothing. How awful. Just sent on his way, to god knows where... I don't even want to think. I was even asked if I wanted a cuddle, and I said no. I didn't want to bring him back into the room because I was worried I'd upset DH. Idiot. I've cried a million tears over this. Even today, over 2 years on and I can still sit and blubber like a giant baby over my own guilt.

Then there are the next lot of photos. These ones have obviously been taken by someone who knows how to use a camera. They're posed. My sweet little man is wearing a tiny little nappy and laying with a teddy bear all bundled up with a rug (covered in pink flowers, mind you). He looks peaceful and uncomfortable all at the same time. I can make out his tiny hands, his fingers, his feet, his toes, his nose, his little lips and mouth and his eyes. I can even tell you he has those little fat rolls babies have at the tops of their legs between their inner thigh and crotch. He looks like he's sleeping. I'm grateful for these photos and bitter about them at the same time. some gorgeous soul took photos of my precious for me to cherish always. And then, Some person I didn't now got to take photos of my precious and I didn't.

I could drone on forever, really. Maybe one day I'll come to peace with my guilt. I hope so.

Jayvan, I love you, my forever baby. With every fiber of my being. Always.

Time to hit submit.

oh Helle :hug: I don't know what to say.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I have no words, just an ear and some more :hug: :hug:

:hug: I don't know the thing to say that will make you feel loved and supported and take the pain away... but you are. Forgiveness can be so hard- all I can say is be kind to yourself and treat yourself like a friend. :comfort:

Oh Helle :hug:

I'm sorry you didn't get to hold Jayvan :cry: :grouphug:

:hug:
you made me cry :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hugest hugs. Your story mad me cry

:comfort: oh hun :hug:

Truly heartbreaking :(

Oh Helle... That bought tears to my eyes.

I am so sorry you never got to hold your little man. :( I know nothing I will say can take away the pain or guilt, but you were greiving when you gave birth... don't blame yourself for not being a place to be able to hold him... I cannot imagine how hard that would have been :comfort:
:hug:
xx

Oh honey, I don't know what to say :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hugs chick.

I know i have said this before and i know it doesnt help right now but it might help one day. You did what you did because for what ever reason it was right for you then. It may not be the choice you would make again if you could do it over but right there and then it was. I believe, (partly because i have to but mostly because i honestly feel it is true) that Jayvan knew how much you love him. I believe that he felt it every single day of his life.
It all sucks ultimately i think you would have regrets/ guilt regardless of any decision that you make when there is no second chance to change it iykwim.

I do remember a very wise mumma telling me that having our earth bubbas doesnt change the feelings we have for our angel baby. That wishing for our angle baby didnt mean that we didnt want our earth baby or that we would want to change anything about earth baby at all. I guess what im trying to say to you ( in a really uneloquent way!!) is that what you are feeling is normal

Wow this has turned out quite different to how i wanted it to but I'm here, but i hope you already knew that.
I know you Love Jayvan and Jackson for that matter more than words can say.(so do I!!)
And i guess i might love you a little bit too.. ( just dont tell too many people they might get jealous!)

I could just hold you right now and not let go :hug:.

Regards,
Dianne

Helle, I'm so sorry :(

You did what you had to do at the time. It was your way of coping. I hope, one day, you can come to some peace xx

:hug: hun.. i know nothing i could say will make it all better, i know it wont take away the hurt or frustration.
Your an amazing mummy to BOTH of your boys, please don't dwell on the things you think you should have done differently, it was a hard and emotional time and you coped the best you could.

I honestly don't know how you beautiful women ever do it, you hold a strength most don't possess and i think your amazing, truly amazing!
Your one of the first people i added from BB on FB, i love watching your little man grow and i think your a fantastic mother.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

oh sweets, my heart is breaking for you.
i wish i had the right words, i really really do
much love xxxx

Oh honey...
Don't feel guilty, you did what you had to do to get through it...
Jayvan knows you love him and that he is with you always...
Love ya chick - big massive hugs

:hug: Your beautiful angel has the biggest hugs from your heart, if I can feel the absolute love in your writing, he can feel it too, be kind to yourself, he knows

Oh Helle :hug: you have no need to feel guilty, you did what was right for you at that time. You only get a brief moment and it must have been so incredibly hard and confusing to make such huge decisions and process so many thoughts, you are not a bad person in anyway! Jayvan will always be with you :comfort:

:hug: I wish I had the right words :hug: :hug:

I cannot really see through the tears hun but OMG :hug: sweetheart DON'T beat yourself up any longer please.

He knows you love him with every inch of your being, he feels your heart torn to shreds with guilt and he has sat beside you wrapping you in his angel wings as you have cried.

You need to stop hun, its not good for you, I know believe me I know.

My heart to has those feelings, different but still guilt. PLease don't let another second pass feeding such an unhealthy thought.

YOU LOVE HIM, He knows it too.

Much love to you sweetheart x x x x x

Thankyou girls :hug: every single word you have all said, I can't tell you how much they all mean to me. And how much it makes me feel a little closer to normal ^^;

Great big :hug: Helle - you carried your little boy with love. He was cherished. All he knew was your love.

At his birth you would have been in shock. Noone can prepare you for the shock and pain of losing your little one. It's so hard to think straight when you dealing with that kind of grief.
Jayven knew you loved him. I know you wish you could have held him. You did darl - then and now. You held him all those months you carried him beneath your heart. You hold him in your heart everyday and he knows his mummy loves him.

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Great big :hug: Helle - you carried your little boy with love. He was cherished. All he knew was your love.

At his birth you would have been in shock. Noone can prepare you for the shock and pain of losing your little one. It's so hard to think straight when you dealing with that kind of grief.
Jayven knew you loved him. I know you wish you could have held him. You did darl - then and now. You held him all those months you carried him beneath your heart. You hold him in your heart everyday and he knows his mummy loves him.

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So very beautifully said.

Regards,
Dianne

Massive hugs. :hug:

Big hugs helle xxxx


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Big hugs beautiful.

Helle

You did hug him. You hugged him and held him close each and every day he spent inside you. He heard every loving word you spoke to him, felt every wave of love you felt for him, absorbed every loving touch you sent to him. I am not sure of your beliefs but I think a body is just a vessel for something much less tangible. A body is almost symbolic of the soul that dwelled within. When we leave the earth and our soul leaves the body we take with us every feeling of love we ever felt. In this way, your little Jayvan's soul didnt need your physical touch on his body to know and understand the overwhelming love you felt for him. He knew that love. And he took it with him. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Much love x

n2l

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Helle

You did hug him. You hugged him and held him close each and every day he spent inside you. He heard every loving word you spoke to him, felt every wave of love you felt for him, absorbed every loving touch you sent to him. I am not sure of your beliefs but I think a body is just a vessel for something much less tangible. A body is almost symbolic of the soul that dwelled within. When we leave the earth and our soul leaves the body we take with us every feeling of love we ever felt. In this way, your little Jayvan's soul didnt need your physical touch on his body to know and understand the overwhelming love you felt for him. He knew that love. And he took it with him. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Much love x

n2l

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This is exactly how I feel and wanted to say...
n2l - you brought tears to my eyes and summed it up beautifully and perfectly. From a loss mumma I thank you.
Helle - read this again and again because it is so very, very true...

Oh Helle. Massive hugs to you honey :comfort:

You did hold your little man. You held him inside your belly and he would have felt your love for him every single day. Now you hold him in your heart and I am sure he feels the love you still have for him. I can feel the love you have for him in your post.
Please be gentle on yourself. You did what you felt was right for you at the time and I am sure your baby Jayvan felt that too.

:hug: Oh Helle...I wish I had the right words but all I have is love and support :hug: xxx

Helle, it was truly heartbreaking to read that post.. When we are faced with the death of a child, when we should be making plans for our future it is the biggest shock. You have to make major decisions when you are in no emotional state to do it, so you do what is right at that moment. I honestly do not know one person that has lost a baby and doesn't feel guilt over something. I know I still feel guilty over lots of things I can't change. What the others said is absolutely right.. You carried your baby in your tummy and will ALWAYS hold him in your heart.. You know, even though I have lost babies, I still struggle to find the right words to say to others because there are no right words to say. Losing a baby is horrible, traumatic and nothing can change it. It SUX!

Use us as a sounding board Helle, it may make you feel better to get it out, it may not. We will always be here to support you though. You know in your heart how much Jayvan is loved, and he knows it too. :hug:

Helle: i have not lost any babies so i dont know what your going through but OH my you girls who have posted are beautifully strong women who have brought tears streaming down my face ...
Please Helle be kind to yourself as everyone has been saying as your little angel is with you all the time ....and love his mummy to bits xx

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you girls who have posted are beautifully strong women who have brought tears streaming down my face

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They are all pretty amazing, huh?

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Helle

You did hug him. You hugged him and held him close each and every day he spent inside you. He heard every loving word you spoke to him, felt every wave of love you felt for him, absorbed every loving touch you sent to him. I am not sure of your beliefs but I think a body is just a vessel for something much less tangible. A body is almost symbolic of the soul that dwelled within. When we leave the earth and our soul leaves the body we take with us every feeling of love we ever felt. In this way, your little Jayvan's soul didnt need your physical touch on his body to know and understand the overwhelming love you felt for him. He knew that love. And he took it with him. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Much love x

n2l

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Thankyou. You made me cry all over again :hug:

My pleasure (and I mean that in a good way!!!)

I don't mind you crying now but I hope one day what I said will make you smile.

Take care x

:hug: Everyone deals with their greif in their own way babe.
Some can't let go, others can't get close.
One day you will feel better about your decision. You felt it was right for you at the time. There was no way for you to know any different.
:comfort:

Don't feel guilty for doing what you needed to at the time. Jayvan knew you loved him with every word you spoke to him during pregnancy, every time you gently touched your belly, he felt your love!!

:hug: I wish I could give you a real one sweetheart