What's your love language? What's your DH/DP/DF's?

Following on from another thread, I've been thinking about love languages. My DH's primary love language is touch - not just sex, but touch. Cuddles, kisses, bum pats, etc. Both ways.

Mine is ... all of them? :redface:

But primarily acts of service (thus my views in another thread ... ;))

So what is yours? How do you prioritise?

Do you expect your significant other to attend to your love language if you aren't prepared to attend to theirs?

Business and fatigue and everything else aside, if (for eg) your LL is words of affirmation and his/hers is quality time, and you're both busy and emotionally and physically tired, can you expect them to verbally validate you (or write notes or whatever) if you don't find time to spend one on one with them?

NB: In this thread, I'd really appreciate it if we just talk about our personal experiences, so that there aren't any miscommunications where people feel they're being judged. We're all women who are here for connection and support and to help each other out. Let's make sure we all feel that way :hug:

NB#2: In case anyone isn't familiar with the Love Languages concept and books, the love languages are:-

• Words of Affirmation (encouragement, validation, verbalising or writing notes of love and appreication, etc)
• Quality Time (one on one, interacting, doing things or talking together)
• Gifts (free, home made or purchased)
• Acts of Service (from bringing you a jumper to cleaning the house to filling your car with petrol or whatever)
• Touch (can include but is not limited to sex - but loving, affectionate physical contact)

mine- A.O.S, quailty time
HIS touch and quailty time

works out well for us since i'm not at all romantic and would much rather he bath the kids or put petrol in car then come home with flowers LOL

Knowing these about yourself an your partner are so so beneficial.

DH - acts of service
me - Physical Touch, & Words of Affirmation

I really struggle actually - Acts of Service is soooooo not my language! I find it really hard to love him in this way, as it doesn't come naturally at all.
But it really does help knowing, and having read the book has been great for our relationship!

I was just chatting with a friend about this, and her husband said that his love language was "leave me alone" time ... ie: the way he feels loved is by getting time to himself to think, decompress, and relax ... :o

So I was chatting with DH about that and love languages in general, and discussing whether it's fair to consider that meeting one kind of need is any harder or more cumbersome than meeting another kind of need ...

And that got us talking about "cost" and "value" etc ... all very interesting conversations.

Anyway, I know that the best gifts I've received haven't been the most expensive or the most creative - they've been the things which have been a wonderful surprise, and have been something which I've wanted or enjoyed, etc.

But yes, it's all interesting and good to talk about.

I think mine are all of them minus the gifts!lol

DP's are probably the same! We are so similar its scary...lol

I wonder if chocolate could be a love language :think:

I honestly can't say one for DH, he is a little of all except prob gifts... Which sucks cause i love giving gifts! Haha.
Maybe quality time? God i dont know! Lol...

Mine are physical touch definitely! And then prob words of affirmation and then gifts?

His is Acts of Service and Gifts. He's reserved but does lots of thoughtful things every day that show me he cares. Mine are Touch and Words of Affirmation - I'm a hugger and a talker.

In the early days I wanted more hugs and relationship talk but I soon realised that it just wasn't how he communicated. Over the years though I've noticed he does hug and kiss me more, and I try to make an effort to buy him a book he'll like, make a favourite meal etc. So we're (still) learning each other's languages.

This is a very interesting thread!

Mine is acts of service, his is touch and quality time.

Although he refuses to acknowledge there is such a thing as a "love language" - he maintains he just wants me to "be nice" whenever I as him what he thinks his love language is LOL!

Mine is touch. Its awesome when you have a partner that has the same love language as you as they automatically get it, but as long as they are willing, it's all that matters :)

mine is words of affirmation. DH's is touch :lol:

i think DH and i meet each others needs pretty well. DH knows to say things to me all the time, he'll always say 'hey honey you look nice' or 'the house looks nice' or 'thanks for doing the dishes' etc. Lovely positive things that always get me feeling good.

And DH, well i give him massages, play with the back of his neck when watching tv, etc....i've figured out what he likes ;)

Mine is definately AOS and touch. Although it grates me sometimes him always grabbing and groping at me I know that he still finds me attractive and sexy so thats why he does it :p

DH's is touch first and foremost. He also needs affirmations and declarations, he needs to be told daily that I love him.

Great thread Peanutter :clap::clap:

DH's main one is touch, so when our alarm goes off in the morning we "snuggle for one snooze" to start the day right ... It's only 9 minutes, but it's nicer for him than waking up, waking me up (I really often sleep through alarms ... :o) and me dashing out of bed and running off to bubba and work. so we start the day with snuggles.

And if we're reading or watching tv or whatever, I'll sometimes go and sit on him and give him cuddles and kisses, etc, or hold his hand or whatever. He likes it. It works for us.

And his other one is quality time, but it took me ages to "get it" because it COMPETELY isn't my love language. When we started dating, he liked "doing our own things but together" - so being in the same room, but maybe me reading and him playing on the computer, or going for a walk, but not talking ... My mind never stops, I'm completely incapable of sunbaking or playing golf silently or anything, because I like to talk and learn and make new friends etc, so my thought was "well, if you're going to be sitting there and [watching a video/doing a puzzle/reading your National Geographic/whatever] then I'm going to [go to the shops/cook dinner/start my homework/put on a load of washing/whatever] because we're not actually DOING anything."

It really took me ages to simply accept that he liked to be together, even if we weren't (in my book) interacting ... I still don't understand it, but I get that it's nice for him, so now I keep a puzzle book or similar on the coffee table, so if he wants to spend some time "doing our own things but together" I can sit there, his arm around me, but doing something I'll like :)

I need to read the book although I have read the kids one so have a pretty good idea about it in general but not related to relationships - anyhoo mine is Words of Affirmation and DH's is Acts of Service. I feel we both fall short (and DH hasn't ever read the books) so he is a quiet guy who doesn't verbalise much at all in general and I feel like I fall short in the acts of service. Lots to work on methinks.

tanstar: the book is definately worth a read, but don't get too down on yourself ... you know what you're looking for, and that's a huge step and very valuable :) and if your dude knows what is going to make you feel loved, then hopefully he can put some thought into ways he can do that for you ... if he's not very verbal, is he any good at doing little love notes, or texts throughout the day to make you feel loved and thought about? hopefully he'll think of something ;)

It was kinda funny when DH and I did this, mine is quality time and his is acts of service. I remember saying something like 'that's unfair, I have the one where you get to spend time with me and you have the one where I get to do all the housework' :redface: :p but he explained that his version was more like the getting the warm towel ready for after a shower of cooking a favourite meal on what you know has been a bad day. I liked that version better LOL!

DH's (this is what I reckon, I'm gonna ask him what he thinks) - Touch, Quality Time
Mine - It's kind of a mix of all of them really. I would summarise it as, I would like for him to proactively do something out of the ordinary for me, like take me out to dinner or cook a nice meal or buy me something he thinks I'd like, for no other reason than he wanted to. I know he's willing to do these things for me if I were to ask, but I want HIM to have the idea.

As for catering for his if he's not catering for mine - I've basically been doing it for 4 1/2 years :rofl: What frustrates me is that I know he understands what it is I want, but I feel that he deliberately plays dumb out of laziness. At times he'll make fun of it, saying that I think he doesn't love me if he doesn't buy me presents. Don't get me wrong, presents are awesome, but it's less about the object and more about what motivated it. I don't accept that excuse anymore though, we both know that he understands what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I get very frustrated and go off at him because I feel neglected - not that I am, but I feel like I am because my language isn't being spoken y'know?

PS - Totally awesome thread :)

Reviving because DH and I are going to try "speaking" the other's language/s after doing the quiz the other day. I got equal scores for affirmation/gifts/service, where he scored high on quality time. Which I definitely do NOT understand. From my perspective, he almost NEVER wants to spend time together, how could he have managed that result? How do you spend quality time with someone who likes being alone? :-/

Read back Teni - Peanutter explains that very thing up earlier :)

Where did you do a quiz??
I'm going to have to google.

DH's is definitely touch. Mine, not so sure. AOS or words maybe... Or maybe gifts... Lol

Oh! I didn't even notice :redface: I thought I read the whole thread too, just must've started skipping paragraphs :lol:

Hmm. So... I'm doing things right then. Here I was thinking that when I'm reading/sitting *near* DH I'm giving off a "please pay attention to me, I'm right here!" vibe, but he's probably reading it as me showing I want to be near him? That explains SO. MUCH. All that frustration for nothing... I bet he's feeling loved up tonight though, I put in extra effort to be near him and spend time with him rather than go to bed like I kinda wanted to.

Good thread! I never knew anything about this stuff, and its such an appropriate time to find it aswell! I went and found the profile test online turns out Im words of affirmation. Makes sense to me, I do want to hear DP tell me more encouraging things and that he appreciates me. I think DP might be touch or the same as me. Very interesting stuff!! Might have a talk about it later with him..

Before kids, mine was touch. I wanted lots of hugs and kisses, and to always sit close on the couch. Now, I am always being touched. I want to be left alone! I want my own space and I want to stretch out and just be on my own. Not that I want zero touch from DH - a kiss when he gets home from work etc - but nothing like what I used to like.

It's a bit of a problem for us because his primary language is most definitely still touch. I need to remind myself to just hug him, and stay there til he lets go instead of rushing off because I have to do the laundry or the dishes.

That kind of comes into what my language is, a combo of acts of service and words of affirmation. I like to cook his favourite food, make snacks for him to take to work and look after the house while he's at work. I like telling him how proud I am of him for supporting us while I'm home, I'm always telling him what a great Daddy he is and I tell him I love him frequently. I love it when he comes home and appreciates the work I've done, and if I haven't been able to get to something it's wonderful if he just picks up and does it.

I highly doubt he has thought about this though, I might talk to him about it tonight.

DH is AOS and mine are touch and quality time.

Have actually been thinking about this lately so good timing!

ETA
Interestingly I just took a quiz and mine in order are: Words of affirmation 10, touch 9, quality time 6, AOS 4 and gifts 1.

DH's is attentiveness. And mine probably is too. It's funny how things have changed over the years. He likes it when I take care of my appearance. And I love it when he notices. But my biggest is probably nurturing. I love it when he makes sure I'm taken care of whether it's a cup of tea or making sure I'm comfy in my PJ's even when I'm in that defiant I don't wanna mood yet I know I'll feel better and always do.

We completely compliment each other in out love languages. But we didn't always. And they haven't always been the same. So I no longer believe a love language is set in stone.

Just did a test and got this:
7 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts
7 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch

Definitely agree that it changes over time

Mine is definitely touch closely followed by affirmation - ex's was - who knows asshats are hard to pick...

Everytime I see AOS I think ASOS!!

I'm going to do a quiz ... off to google ... I wonder if I've changed, since my boys have grown older ... ?

Both my DSs are still far and away Quality Time and Touch.

This is why I have to prioritise my weekends so much, to try to make sure they're always free and clear for the kids and hubby.