Question - if I saw that your child had some very definite autistic traits and that you were struggling with their behaviour, would you want me to say something to you even if I was just a see you for five minutes a day acquaintance?
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Question - if I saw that your child had some very definite autistic traits and that you were struggling with their behaviour, would you want me to say something to you even if I was just a see you for five minutes a day acquaintance?
Hmmm..... at the time I might find it a bit challenging but maybe later I would be grateful.
Sometimes having a stranger confirming something that you have been worrying about for a while can be really hard.
honestly, if someone said that to me, i would be very angry at first, possible not speak to/avoid them, but it would get me thinking more about my childs behaviour, and possibly try get a more professional opinion.
hope that helps!
Hmmm thats a hard one. I think I prefer you didn't say it unless i asked your opinion. I think it could be confronting and awkward for you both. Yes I also see that your advice may help in the end, but like every piece of advice I think its best if its asked for IYKWIM?
as a five minute a day acquaintance i'd possibly near tear you a new one!
no offence, but no one wants to be told their child is anything but perfect, especially by someone that doesn't know them, and the reaction is most likely going to be a big F you, you don't know my kid (from nearly everyone i know, you would get this - it happened a LOT when mum, as and FDC carer, would mention stuff to parents - and she had the kids for long periods of time)
if you believe this to be the case with someone you know, can you change the dynamic of your relationship so that you're not "only" a five minute a day acquaintance? so that you have spent more time with mum and child? mum may be aware that something isn't quite right, may even be investigating - but if you're only a five minute a day acquaintance, it's not something you can really broach with any sort of - ummm - can't think how to say it - but for it to come across as respectful and concerned, kwim?
Maybe instead of saying 'hey I've noticed autistic tendencies' you could say 'hey, when my daughter did that I found it helpful to do this'. Leave it to the Mum to put it together later if that makes sense.
Could you bring up the topic by asking a little about the behaviours that you see? Maybe try and start a conversation about it, as opposed to straight out saying "I've noticed this..."
I think it would be very hard to hear at first, but down the track if it was what prompted me to seek further advice and information I would eventually be grateful. Good luck hun.
Hmm, the mum in question is also good friends with someone I've known for 12 years, maybe I should say something to them because they could get away with it more. It's just that being a mum of an ASD kid I know the earlier you get intervention the better for the child in question. I understand the need for tact with the mum and respecting her feelings, but it's the kids needs and feelings I'm focusing on more. At the moment she's very obviously frustrated and tired, but if he does have ASD he's in hell where even his own family isn't safe and "get" him IYKWIM.
I would be fine with it and I would take your concerns on board. Thats just me though. Im very easy to get along with :)
You know what, Im going against the "rip you a new one" & am goign to say as long as your approach it the right way she could be very thankful. Don't be accusing or judging. If it was me (& I tend to ask the inappropriate questions all the time) I would say something like, "Hey, please forgive me if I am crossing a line, but I wonder if you have considered {child} could have a ASD?" Of even just ask if he does? But quickly follow it up with your own experience with your child & maybe throw in some reason for asking, like you know of a playgroup she might like to attend or can she recommend her pead? something that makes her feel you are just taking an interest as you are in the same boat. KWIM?
I would be fine with someone voicing a concern they have about my kids as long as they were considerate in how they told me.
I think instead of jumping horns and all, maybe if you know a close friend of hers that it might be worth while asking if she is already investigating and if thats the case well i would leave well enough alone as she is already getting professional help.
Obviously you would go about it gently and if I had made it known to you that I am struggling then I think I would appreciate it.
Maybe not at the time though as quite possibly I had already been thinking along these lines and was very scared of what it could mean.
But an opinion from someone in the know is always going to be a touchy subject. Its a very hard call to make and depends on what the possible fallout could be if she takes your well meaning advise the wrong way.
Good luck
Goodness me, it's not like I would walk right up to her and say, "Hey I think your kids got autism" or "did you realise that's an autistic trait". Of course I would handle it in as tactful way possible. Give me a little credit. :D
Argh! I do feel like I'm between the rock and that hard place. In one way it's absolutely none of my business and I should keep my nose out of it, but on the other hand I see this glaringly obvious (to me because I've seen them before) ticks, what if I don't say anything and they never get him any help! As it is, the poor kids is constantly getting into trouble and being roused on because they see what I would consider sensory seeking behaviour as just being naughty and destructive (I know they smack too, so if it is ASD the poor kid is getting punished physically for a disability he can't help). She has to hold him at school drop off to keep him under control, he never looks anyone straight in the face but side gazes or head tilts, gets right into peoples faces but doesn't like it when other people initiate contact, he doesn't seem to understand or hear certain instructions, and has classic hand flapping galore, and this is what I see in only a 5-10 minute block before school. Mum is obviously flustered and lost as to what to do. We talk while the kids play before the bell rings, I've talked about DD and some of her needs trying to open up the subject so that if she had any suspicions she could ask black ops questions but nothing. The closest we've got is discussions on how the child in question is such a dare devil in comparison to his older brother and doesn't seem to understand safety :doh:. Unfortunately the bell rang and it didn't progress any further, plus I still wasn't sure if I should say anything... Unfortunately, I think that because he is quite high functioning and isn't like Rainman or the kid from Mercury Rising (thanks Hollywood) they've not considered it.
Gah!
I would be with briggsy's girl and likely to give you a big f you... Unless you did it in a way that drew on your experiences and was totally caring and non-judgemental.
Maybe like, "I've noticed that X does this and that. My daughter also did this and that. We found that those behaviours totally improved when we had her diagnosed and receiving treatment for her ASD. Do you find those behaviours challenging?" (I know little about ASD so excuse the possibly incorrect language).
Maybe also getting her talking more about her child and leaving her to join the dots that your daughter did / does that due to her ASD. Mothers are generally not stupid and I think done properly you could be a real help to her. But it's a fine line to walk.
This is a long shot and maybe depend on the school and teacher but could you talk to them about it and see if they would talk to her? I am a teacher and am unsure how this approach would go down as well to be honest but I think as you said it is really important that someone says something and asap.
I think you would be completely compassionate and understanding in the way you approach it with her knowing that you have been through it yourself :hug: but how she takes it is anyones guess. She might initally be in shock and avoid you initially but then be very thankful later. I would be inclined to talk to her about it.
ETA: THe more I think about it the more I think talking to the school may not work :doh: Tricky one.
Yes, I would totally not mind if someone was honest with me and told me what they think.
Re anything regarding my child's behaviour, becuase we all think our kid's are perfect and angels, understandly, becuase we are their Mum! Sometimes it takes a not-mum or a professional to help us take off the nice, happy, shiny Mummy Glasses and see thngs how they really are.
^ That refers to anything to do with kids btw, not spectrum behaviour in particular. (Just saying that so people don't take the above in the wrong way!)
I also think if I were in that mums shoes, I'd prefer having this type of conversation with someone that is going through what I might be going through. I understand that getting our mutual friend to approach me might be a bit easier but in the end I'd prefer to hear it from someone who knows.
I would be ok with it if you told me in private and with compassion. But I would be very annoyed if you talked about it with other people without talking to me. I would see that as catty and not about my child's best interest but more like gossiping. I think you will be able to express yourself better just discussing it in person with her. After all you have personal experience with this and you are coming from a caring point of view. Good luck with it. I know it must be hard.
Thanks Transtar, If I could palm this one off to a teacher or other professional I would, but unfortunately I can't. Said little boy is actually only three and a half and not attending himself. His big brother is in Kindergarten with DD. If it is ASD now is the time to strike so to speak for best intervention results, especially with the waiting lists for therapy in the state, hence the dilemma. If it didn't have the possibility of making a difference by doing it sooner rather than later I would be more sneaky about it and take my time, like lending picture books to the parents of the class, that way she'd get to read about it in relation to DD and it might strike a chord, but I don't get those resources until next term.:
Krysalyss - yes, I had that thought too. I wouldn't be too pleased if someone involved a third party either, so quickly dismissed that idea.
I'd just like to say, being in this position blows big time - I've got enough on my plate. Maybe someone else will see it and say something before I see her again...
As the mum of a child with autism, I was grateful when someone suggested the possibility that he was on the spectrum - in a way that was appropriate and sensitive. But I was much less receptive when it was done in a way that was less sensitive. Knowing the importance of early intervention I would be inclined to say something, but I'd also be prepared for a less than receptive response.
As a mum of a spectrum child, you know what to look for and can say that it may be nothing, but you've noticed that her child shares some traits with your child. If you voice it in a way that acknowledges how confronting your observation is, and acknowledge that your observation is based on a very limited view of the child, then she may not find it as confronting.
After DS was diagnosed I had a friend say that they weren't surprised at the diagnosis, that they had noticed traits but didn't want to say anything because I was obviously in denial. That bugged me on so many levels it wasn't funny, but mostly because if she had said something we may have identified it earlier. I had other people say similar things - that they had noticed traits but hadn't wanted to say anything - I wish they had, it would have made us trust our own observations better.
I certainly wouldn't rip you a new one. I would be a little taken back but would appreciate you honesty and concern.
Perhaps just talking about your own ASD experience a little first, so she knows that you are sensitive and aren't trying to insult. I'm sure she has her suspicions anyway.
After all, ASD kids are perfect too and I challenge anyone to tell me differently.
Good luck Hun.xx
No worries hun - didn't realise he was so young, but as I said I didn't think it would work very well either - so tricky but I think saying something is the best thing to do and deal with the after effects. Good luck hun :hug:
Honestly, I might be a bit taken aback, particularly if it had never occurred to me before, but I think I'd appreciate it. You're just trying to help out another mother and kid. I think that's ok.
I myself wouldn't say anything unless I was asked...........so if you talk about your experiences to give some insight and show that you care and understand then leave it at that unless she asks or opens up.
If you only see each other at a kindy drop off and you don't really know her or the entire story then you don't know if she has already sought help or perhaps got him on a waiting list to be checked etc. Either way, if he is only 3.5 he is still only little and she will be at her witts end regardless - we all handle situations and our children differently.
I have had my son checked as he is very full on...VERY and I was always on the end of " oh he's a full on boy" etc comments at playgroups etc - not very welcome comments either. I always had worries and questions, am I doing this right, why wont he do that. It's horrible as a parent always left to wonder are you doing it right etc, is my child doing something wrong. I believe it is better left to the professionals (that includes teachers etc) to bring it up. That's just IMO.
Especially as it is an emotional topic I don't know how you could bring it up at kindy drop off without causing her to either break down if she is aware of a problem or without her getting mad for sticking your nose in (so to speak, not meant in a horrible way).
So basically I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't - awesome!
It is a hard one.
On one hand the mother may really appreciate you saying something...she may be feeling lost or like a bad mummy and may relieved to find out there is a reason for his 'behaviour' and it is not her fault.
On the other she may be offended and tell you take a long walk off a short plank
I think I would be the former but we are all different.
It sounds like the slow approach you are doing now may be the way to go...just talk to her in the morning about your DD's traits that he has also and maybe she will put two and two together.
If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, then the decision is easy. You say something. You give them the opportunity to get help earlier rather than later. This impacts the whole family.
It's then how you say something that counts. You may need to practice it a bit and it may depend on the situation on the day. Maybe even write a note and give it to her. Something like, I apologise if this is out of line, but I've noticed behaviour in your son that is similar to my daughter. etc etc. The reason I point this out is through experience, I know funding etc is age dependent. It is difficult to look at and I hope I'm wrong, but thought it might help...blah blah. You know better than I do what to say.
Her reaction to you is irrelevant. Just be prepared for a negative one. In this case, it's not about you, it's about the little boy and his family. You have information they need. As you're not friends, you're not risking that relationship. Just wear your protective armour that day :) It will take courage, but I think it's something you need to do.
GL
Are you able to spend anymore time with her, perhaps invite her around for a coffee.. get to know each other a little better and perhaps see where the convo leads. Maybe if she is aware of your situation she may open up about her own struggles with her DS and you can go from there??
it is a difficult position to be in, especially when you have to see her on almost a daily basis. next time she starts talking about something he does could you casually say "oh have you spoken to the paed or early childhood centre about your concerns ? thats what i'd do" and she might say oh im sure its nothing but it might plant the seed to get her thinking and you just look like you were giving general advice
Haven't read this whole thread so sorry if I double up. I think it all depends on the delivery kwim most parents get their back up when told somethign about their child but if she does look like she is struggling then she may welcome the advice.
your in a really tough spot....if i was in your situation i think id ask her if she wanted to get a coffee one day, talk to her a bit more when you know the bell isnt going to go off any second. and its a better environment, somewhere more private...rather than the school gate.
and just explain the stuff you went through with your child, you can see that her son is full on...maybe use phrases she uses to describe him, and ask if she has considered that your children might have some things in common.
but, like you said, its really about the kid, not the adults, and if i was her, and possibly had no idea about ASD id want someone to point me in the right direction......good luck....
I don't agree that her reaction is irrelevant, this woman has feelings and she has to front up to Kindy every week and see everyone. Depending on what type of person you are it's not easy to mix amongst people if you have been hurt, or feel embarrassed. I'm not saying you want to hurt her, but it may have that result. That really is not fair for her.
Again like I said previously do you know the she has not sought help or already questioned the behaviour? It can be like a real slap in the face to someone when you only have some of the facts and you go and tell them something they already know or realise and make them feel worse about it IYKWIM.
I don't say any of this to be rude, this is just my opinion.
When I said her reaction is irrelevant, I didn't mean hurt her feelings. Or that Yeddi's feeling are irrelevant, though it may read that way. I meant that they are lesser issues than the bigger issue of her little boy getting help if he needs it. I realise that come across as holier than thou - not sure how to communicate what I mean.
Of course it's difficult. I like the ideas given of inviting her for a coffee, then asking her gently if they've looked at professional help.
Makes perfect sense tash. I think you've hit the nail on the head.
I would be making a few play dates with the kinder aged ones and invited them to stay as well. This way she will be able to get to know you and your child but also see how you deal with ASD. She might have questions in her mind but is to scared to voice them.
If you know of a good playgroup that would help next time she says something tell her about it and let her know how much it helped you.
All the best as you decide your next step
Hi Yeddi
When my sister told me there was something not quite right about my 18 month olds' development, I was shocked, in denial, and somewhat put out that she dared suggest it (and my sister is a very sensitive, loving person and also a Special Ed teacher).
Having said that, I would still mention something to the Mum, keeping in mind that she probably won't like hearing it/talking about it. If my sister hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have been looking into early intervention by the time DD turned 2 and she wouldn't have made the progress she's made over the years.
So I'd raise it in private in a sensitive way and be prepared to back off if she doesn't want to hear it. If the Mum isn't ready to hear it, then it may plant a thought that may come back to her a little later on. If she has already thought about it, she'll probably say that and no harm's done. If the Mum is ready to hear it and hadn't thought of it and then investigates further to see if early intervention is necessary, it will help the child and the family in the long run.
I've just had a thought - it's Autism month as of tomorrow. Maybe I can use that, and use it to provide info...
If it was me I don't think I'd mind. Specially if you used your own experience with your DD.
I guess though, if the mum doesn't have even a little inkling or understanding of any forms of the spectrum she may take it the wrong way. But sometimes all it takes is for someone to say something and that little light bulb goes off!:goodluck:
A lady I knew through our playgroup said something to a friend of hers & they are no longer friends. I'd be careful saying anything.....