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Just let something go in your relationship. It's morally wrong, but trying to stop it is just too hard, and someone is too stubborn to see that it hurts and it's wrong. letting it just run it's course is easier, because in the mean time, despite the fact that you know it's in the background, everyone is happy?
Or am I insane?
Hmm..... morally wrong to whom? That would be my question....and then I would move onto if it hurts and it's wrong - to whom and how does this affect me & the other person and our future etc....
Yes.
Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)
If I get what your saying, then I've been in your situation, maybe just not the exact same.
My XF and I were 'happy' - because he always said we were in an 'open relationship'
But I wasn't, and I stuck around to make him happy so I let it go. He got to sleep with whoever he wanted while I had to stay loyal.
After 2 years of it on and off, I left for good. I couldn't act happy anymore
I know it's probably not what your going through, but I'm just sharing my story and what happened to me
Sometimes if you let something 'run its course' they might not stop when you think they will. Being that you may have different morals, I think if you are not ok with something you need to say something.Otherwise you will probably blame yourself anyway for the outcome.... You never know what the future holds and as I have personally learnt lately, sometimes if you leave people to it, they will self destruct...
I caught DH on this swinger site thing. I know he pokes around their occasionally and it doesn't bother me because I knew he just read and looked at pictures (I have no issues with porn or ameture porn or whatever so this is beside the point) he didn't interact but I found out Sunday he'd contacted a girl asking for a picture and "Internet fun and flirting" I confronted him and he fessed up straight away, told me like he was telling me he'd just eaten a piece of toast. (the girl told him no anyway... She wasn't keen)
He doesn't see it as cheating, he says he was just curious and he'd "probably" never do it again and that was that. Discussion over. If i broach it further he refuses to speak to me and sulks. After that he was annoyed that I "checked up on him" but id borrowed his phone and just quite literally came across it. No snooping required.
I feel like dogs balls and I don't know what to do now. Should I let it go? Put it down to bad judgement on his behalf? Am I over reacting? I asked him if he was bored and he said no. I am pretty confident he is happy because I've been with him when he isn't and it's quite aweful. He hasn't been like that for ages.
I thought we were doing great, and now I don't know -.-;
Far out, I could *not* just let that go :hug: But to me, that is cheating. I'd be devastated :hug:
Mmyeah. That's what I was afraid of ^^;:
:hug:
If you needa vent, you know where I am :hug: My mobile number is also on my FB page (seeing as it's a friends only page)
I admit, once and once only, I went online and 'cybered' with a guy - to which I'd stopped it half way cause I didn't feel comfortable anyways.. Thing is, we were on our 'off' period at the time and he took me back 2 days later.
But, to him, that was considered cheating on him and called it off again (I told him straight out what I did cause he gave me the whole 'Is there anything you've got to hide from me?' talk) - this time for another 2-3 weeks
So I guess it could be construed (sp?) as cheating, it's not physical cheating, but it's emotional and mental cheating (IYKWIM)
I couldn't let it go. If I was hurt by anything, and the response was a bit ho hum, I'd be like a dog with a bone until he understood what he was doing to me and agreed to stop if it was a situation where it was morally wrong.
:hug: Helle.
I've dealt with the whole internet cheating thing from previous relationships (and I'm very anti porn as a result of it) so feel free to vent away, you have full sympathy and support from me babe :comfort::
Thanks lovey.
I just don't know what category to put it in. Ok, that sounds dumb. But me personally I just don't know.
I mean ive dumbed it down, it's just words, it's flirting who cares? People flirt all the time and it can be quite harmless... But then what if she had said yes? How far and how long would it have gone on for?
I can't broach it again. I can't deal with the sulking and his ignoring me like I'm the bad person. I'm really hoping his reaction when I confronted him was from being embarrassed and that maybe he is sorry he did it, and not sorry I found out.
I found out Dh signed up to a similar site and made a sort of profile where you could flirt etc. I let it go, I knew things werent right between us though and i knew he wasnt cheating just bored when he was sitting up all night in his own thoughts...i am not a jealouss person at all though and knew it would not lead to anything.
We are now seperated but for different reasons, i guess this was one of our many problems that i didnt stop and say hey... is everything ok in there?
Its not normal behaviour, id say its more likely your dh is feeling inadequate and is looking for attention.. to validate himself.. I think my dh was feeling like we werent connecting anymore and wanted a little attention.. IYKWIM>>>>
:hug:
Im sorry but i would never stand by a man, who wanted anything but... me.
I amy be different to others but i want a man who love and supports me, not someone whom lays in my bed then jumps on the net or in his car and goes and gets his freak on..
Helle, big hugs, this is not easy and even if the girl wasnt keen, there is no way in hell id be ok with that.
You have children and a relationship, that should be enough for him, what is he going to tell his children when they are older? its ok to be primiscous (sp?), to sort other things when your wife or parnter wont give it up?
if your not happy and you know its wrong, there IS something wrong..
looking in my relationship is wrong, porn and stuff isnt on with me, it makes me uncomfortable, and insecure.. and my dh wont let that happen, this is how my relationship is, if its not good for me, it isnt good for him.. but thats just mine.
sorry for rambling
I actually organised for us to go out for dinner on saturday because I thought maybe he felt neglected too. Someone suggested to me making a date night once a month as well, so we can give each other attention.:
:hug: You don't have to feel the need to downplay how severe you think it is...some people might think, "oh it's just flirting", and to me, if someone said that to me when I feel the way I do, I'd be very hurt. To me, it isn't okay to flirt. Why? Flirt with your partner, not some random. To me, that's a big deal, as is getting off to a random woman (why? I'm sexier than any Internet ho to my partner, as it should be :p )
Many :hug: I know that feeling well - the hot, angry, hurt feeling in your belly, the uncertainty at how 'bad' a situation is, and the feelings of doubt because the partner is downplaying our concerns. All amounts to feeling totally crap.
No Way. Hell would freeze over first. I'm sorry, but your first post doesn't even begin to cover the situation you describe in the second one.
I would NOT let it go, and my DH WOULD here me out on it and discuss it with me and have to go to hell and back to make it up to me, or that would be it. Shutting me out wouldn't even be an option if he wanted to stay married and a part of this family and my life. What would happen after 'discussing' it, I have no idea. But to do even less then that is NOT on. It is first betraying my trust and then dismissing me and my feelings.
To me, that is cheating.
I couldn't let it go either. I'm so sorry. :hug:
:hug: It's not really important how I would feel in those circumstances. What matters is how you feel and obviously you are troubled by it. I think that if you are upset by his behaviour then he has a responsibility to reassure you and explain his actions. He has made you feel betrayed and then he has refused to accept how you feel - both of these are problems.
Well I think my Marriage is screwed. DH is so emotionally stunted he can't even accept his own emotions half the time let alone mine.
At the end of the day its about how it makes you feel and why he did it... Some people have husbands who meet all their expectations, and are very lucky, others have to try and sort through their issues to savetheir marriage. I guess after all this, can you get over it? not because you should or shouldnt... IYKWIM? Everyone has to live with their choices...
When he walked thru the door this afternoon, and was back to his normal self again I felt relieved. Like everything will be fine and we could just move on and forget all about it. I told him how I felt and although he didn't respond he knows and I can only assume he took it on board (again, he sucks at communicating, confrontations, emotions...):
But the niggling that he just was so blasé is still bothering me.
I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet and drag it back up somehow without it turning into WW3.
Why dont you ask him what he liked about those women? was it something sexy you could do etc? Its mind games but he will probably open up if you approach it differently , instead of trying to tell him how you feel.
then id do whatever it was.... sexy poses , etc and remind him whilst im doing it that if he looks at sites like that again he wontbe able to look at this etc. Im sure he'd have to get the point that way...
Hey Hun.
Been there just recently as you know... Yep, to me it's cheating. My DP went quite a bit further and actually had some chick he was talking to and it got quite heavy...
It's not ok.
For me anyway.
So we are trying to work through it...
He hates talking about it but I need to talk about it to work through it.
It sux and it's so hard when your partner has trouble communicating, conveying and even understanding their own emotions (how the he'll are the gonna understand ours????).
I do think if this even just boggling at you then you need to talk to him... Otherwise that boggle will get bigger and it will eat away at your relationship...
If you wanna chat, pm me on FB.
Big hugs honey...
WW3 or not hun, emotional security is a huge part of any relationship and boundries have to be respected. Maybe ask him what he counts as crossing the line and how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. huge hugs hun, I've been through what you are going through and its not easy. The only way I got through it was asking myself what MY "line" was, and letting DP know that. Its hard when kids are involved because I kept thinking was it worth breaking our family over (I was only pg with our DS at the time), but then if you accept flirting or online relationships what else will you have to accept over time?
Hope you are able to find a path through this :hug:
I went through this several years ago and brought it up again and again until I felt it was properly discussed. He was hugely confronted by this and was not in a good place emotionally or mentally, so it was very difficult.
I was upset more by the disregard of feelings tbh as I think that whilst the flirting upset me and I saw it as a betrayal, it was the fact that he didn't seem to care that it upset me that upset me more. As I said he was NOT in a good place so it took a long time to work through this and the other issues behind it, but we were able to do so.
So no, I didn't let it go (but I didn't have kids in the mix if that matters), but I can see how you might find that an easier alternative (it would have saved me a LOT of heartache). It really depends on if you are REALLY comfortable to leave it. Otherwise it will sit inside you and build up.
Oh hun, those feelings you're having are not nice at all! :(
I agree with the PP about that if something is bothering you - even just a niggle in your stomach, you need to keep addressing it until you feel like you've reached a resolution. Otherwise that feeling will stay with you - it might subside sometimes - when you have a good day, and things are seeming back to "normal"...but as soon as something slightly off happens again (or even if you just *feel* like something is off) that feeling will grow and grow. Being pg too you want your little bub floating around in as calm and happy a Mumma as possible IYKWIM?
It's hard either way - but I would keep on at it until he at least can acknowledge your feelings and views on this...even if he has been feeling "neglected" it's no excuse to go looking for affection outside your marriage (unless it had been something that you 2 had previously discussed, and you had given your consent).
Hugs to you. As others have said it doesn't really matter what we would do, more how you feel.
I think you could work through it, but he would have to openly talk to you about it. Not close off and act like it's nothing. Despite how he sees it, it's hurt you and it isn't nothing to you.
I think that's the only way you'll be able to heal. Don't settle for anything less, your feelings at least need to be acknowledged.
Fwiw, I have no idea how I'd handle it, but I couldn't just pretend it never happened.
Well I sent him a text this morning, not an angry one, a calm one with everything i feel in it. I know it's not an ideal form of communication but I know he'll read it. Even if he pretends like he hasn't when he gets home, I know he would have read it and some small amount of what im feeling has gone into his head. Maybe.
Maybe he might surprise me, but I'm not holding my breath.
:hug:
Hugs, not an easy thing to deal with at all. At least he was honest and told you what had gone on, it's still not ok but I would be more worried if he got angry and defensive. At least he now knows how you feel.
Hugs hunni,
I have been there too. It's a sucke place, expecially when they don't want to talk about it. But if that's the way you process things then keep chatting, try to stay calm, and just let him know for you to get passed this you need to talk about it. And sometimes the only way to get through to these males is through text message, my OH seems to cope better because he can't hear the emotion behind my voice (his words)
I hope that your okay, and you get given the freedom to express this and 'get over it' (bad choice of words but can't think of anything else) in your own time. xoxo
:hug: :hug:
Thanks for listening to me whinge :hug:
:hug: i hope he realises and dose come home with suprises for you, even if it is just aknowledging how you feel, lest it would be a start.
whinge away.
Wondering how you're going :hug:
Funny you should bump this PZ, when I passed to computer this morning I thought of you Helle.
Hope you're doing OK.
Thanks girls.
Well... all seems ok now. I ended up royally doing my block and Dh came home quite sheepish (you know, that awkwardness when you know you're in the poo and you're embarrased by it?) that night and agreed with everything I said. He said he won't do it again, that it was mostly a curiousity thing but agreed that a line had been crossed. He's also deleted tapatalk off his phone, I noticed - (which is what he was accessing the forum thru) so heres hoping he's learnt his lesson.
Boys... sometimes they just don't think with the right head ><;
I'm glad.
Great news Hun :)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk xoxox