HELP my stepson has just told me he is ................................

He is attracted to men in other words he said he is gay.
I was not really surprised by that fact as I always thought that he could be. We talked for over an hour on the phone and he opened up to me. I told him that there is nothing wrong with being gay and if that makes you happy well I am happy for you. He told me that he was shocked by how well I took it. NOW the HELP part, he asked me to tell his father (my DH) as he is very worried about what will happen. It is not the DH is anti- gay it is that it would be unacceptable for his son to be gay.
How can I help both DH accept and deal with this and not push his son away. I do not want to look back in 10 years time and say well if we did this better it would not have been like this IYKWIM.
Please help especially if you have had experiences with this or what you would you like your parents to do or say.
Thanks in advance

Sorry I'm not sure but I'm sure he is glad you accepted the news well.

No experience with that one, but good luck. Thats great your stepson has come out and confided in you. Must be such a relief for him.. If you had suspicions maybe his dad does too.. Although it doesn't make it easier to have the suspicions confirmed, deep down it may not be a total shock.. Can I ask how old he is?

Wow tough one. What a great service you have done to your stepson by taking the news so well and letting him know that you support him.

Can you emphasise to your DH what a brave thing your stepson has done by wanting you both to know, and that he has chosen to involve you in his life rather than never telling you and shutting you out - he is showing a lot of respect for you in telling you. Also, I think that gay people face so much difficulty and discrimination as it is, that they really need their family 100% behind them. The last people that should be judging/alienating them are their family - maybe you could gently point that out to your DH as well, that his son needs him now more than ever.

I have always said I would not care in the slightest if DS turned out to be gay, as long as he was happy. And I know that his parents loving him unconditionally would be a big step towards him being happy.

my stepson is nearly 21. His father has joked about being gay. But I do believe it is going to bee a huge stock to his father. His father is very hard person. Has always pushed his son to go get some 'pussy' and he goes on and on about it. Stepson said that he wanted to tell his father over a year ago but he could not bring himself to. Now that he was moved back to NSW he has the distance factor that his father can not get mad with him. His father will not be understanding at all, he has never really connected with his son and probably all he needs to break all contact with him. I don't want this to happen, even thou he is not my bio son that does not mean that I don't care about him.

My best friend at school came out to his parents when he was about 17-18, at the time his Dad didn't deal with it well at all, but now his whole family are very accepting and supportive (he's 24 now).
So just let your stepson know that people can change, and even if the news goes down bad, doesn't mean his Dad wont come around.
:hugs:

:hug: for your stepson, well done him for accepting himself :D

Sorry I can't help with how to approach his dad about it, he sounds a lot like my own dad and how he'd be if one of us came out :(


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

You sound like a wonderful stepmum! I don't have any personal experience in this situation but I think this type of conversation needs to be had face to face including your stepson. It may break the relationship between father and son but you tell your dh on your own will not help the situation. It really needs to come out if your stepsons mouth too to help him hold his head high and realize being gay is not a reason to hide. Good luck.

Would showing your DH how much you support your stepson in all of his choices make a difference to your DH? It might be a way to go. I think it really shows how your relationship is between you and your stepson given that he told you his choice. :hug:

I don't think you can come out for someone.
I honestly think your stepson needs to do that for himself, you cannot do it for him. Offer your support and to be there when he decides he is ready, but I wouldn't say anything, I would not offer to do it and I would let DSS do it in his own time, when he is ready.

I did tell him that it would be better coming from him, but he just so scared. I have always been the person to most of the time make DH see reason. If I tell him that no I will not tell DH then he will probably never have the 'balls IYKWIM" to do it. When he told his mum she did not talk to him for over a month and they lived in the same house. I think maybe I should change one of the statements i said in my opening thread. Maybe DH is a little anti gay but I think that could just be to do with the generation he is in.

I think it's REALLY important for your stepson to be the one to say it.

he isn't anti gay but its not acceptable for his son to be gay? How does that work?
Not sure what to do in this situation. In my mind your DH is not ok with Gays. Not if he feels its not ok for his own son to be gay. hmmmmmmm tough one.

The problem is that stepson and Dh are about 12 hours away from each other. We are in the Sunshine Coast and he is in Sydney.

Dh is okay for other people to be gay just not any of his children.

bit of a double standard but anyway thats how he feels...

I would think your SDS needs to be the one to talk to DH. If there is that distance then it should be easier for him to do so I would think. BUT the longer you know & DH doesn't I think will be bad. Once it comes out that he is gay & that you knew. It could end badly.

Could he maybe get his mother to talk to your DH?

There are some great websites and counselling resources avaialbe for young people in Australia who are thinking of coming out. It's a good idea for him to take his time and think it through, so that he's prepared to weather whatever response he gets.

It's great your DSS knows he has an ally and support in you. I'm so sorry he feels afraid to confide in his dad, I hope that can change in time.

His mother and father really have not talk much in 12-13 years and if they do if always ends in a fight. So I am the person who deals with her. To tell you the truth his mother would probably make things worse.
I am in 2 minds. Yes it would be better for him to tell his father, but he asked me to help him by telling his father. If he did tell his father hell would break loose, but If I was to tell his father well at least I can bear the initial reaction shock, angry or what ever it is.

Oh mumma you are in a really tough situation! He at least needs to be there when you tell dh I know you think you are taking a little of the sting out if this but he will still have to face his dad for the first time after you have told him and that may be worse than the initial rection.

O, what a tough situation. I think you just need to come out and just say it, there isn't really a "right" way to blurt it out and the longer you know an he doesn't could cause problems with in your relationship.

I hope this works put well. And what a fantastic relationship you an your step son have Xoxox


Love MN ;-)

It is a tough situation. At least if you break the news and DH reacts badly your DSS may not see it, then in time DH will calm down and be ready to talk to your DSS.. If DSS lives so far away, your DH may just never mention it again. Y'know, he might know but because it's not in his face he may just live in denial? I hope I make sense.. Although it is more ideal that DSS tells DH himself, I think if you are willing to do it, then do it.. Sooner rather than later as I agree it could cause problems if DH finds out you knew for ages.. Again good luck. It is a very tough situation you are in.

My brother who is turning 21 on the 25th this month is gay, he came out when he was 13, i always knew he was gay, him as a child had things pointing out that showed me he was, but i love him more for it, Most gay guy's i know have the biggest heart and the greatest sense of humour i have ever seen in my life, My brother is my idol, i love him for his honesty and letting me be part of his gay life, its fascinating, but unfortunately he has to live with backlash everyday,

With your step son, if i were you, i would stand by him and do what ever it is that he asks, It would be such a huge thing for him to come out, expecially to you, he must feel that you are his confidant, and he is enabling you to continue his coming out, as i dont think he would tell him without you doing so.. He is probably petrified and by what you have said so far i dont blame him one bit, I think he is seeking approval from you and his father, and you have to tread lightly as at this time, when he is crying out, if goes sour, you will probably loose him.. Alsoo alot of coming out's have to be taken and dealt with with very soft and loving hands, i dont want to scare you one bit, but at these times, alot of peopple in this situation can self harm, the numbers are huge, my brother did multiple times..
I think your dh has to put his feelings and thoughts aside and think of his son, after all it is his creation.. SOrry hun, but i think he does have a problem with homosexuals, he can not be ok with gays but yet reject his own son, its either you can handle them or you cant, I do know men who say i dont care as long as my son isnt gay, but yet their sons are gay, and after the initial shock they are very proud of their children..
If there is any more you would like to know im happy to answer.. :D

P.s when i say loose him i mean lose him from your lives.. sorry might of freaked you out a bit

I think if your stepson has asked you to tell his father, then I would do it. He is already having enough troubles with his mother reacting badly. He needs someone to unconditionally support him and that is you. Great job so far!! Sounds like you had the perfect response.

I would also ask your stepson to write his dad a letter explaining how he feels. A couple of weeks after you have told DH, then I would give him the letter. Give it time to sink in.

Only your DH can decide how he will react, but whatever you do, make sure you let your DH know that you will always support his son, even if he wants nothing to do with him. Your stepson deserves that much at least!!

A good friend of mine came out when he finished high school and his parents disowned him. They were from a very religious background which did not accept gay people as he told me. He was devastated but luckily his siblings were understanding and didnt disown him.


After a few years, they have accepted him back into the family and his partner as well.

So i guess, it make take some time to accept the fact but hopefully they do not disown him for life.

Best of luck and you are doing great being supportive.

:

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It is a tough situation. At least if you break the news and DH reacts badly your DSS may not see it, then in time DH will calm down and be ready to talk to your DSS.. If DSS lives so far away, your DH may just never mention it again. Y'know, he might know but because it's not in his face he may just live in denial? I hope I make sense.. Although it is more ideal that DSS tells DH himself, I think if you are willing to do it, then do it.. Sooner rather than later as I agree it could cause problems if DH finds out you knew for ages.. Again good luck. It is a very tough situation you are in.

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I agree with this.

Your stepson has probably put a huge amount of stress and worry into this and has decided to tell you, not his father, for good reason. I think you should definately tell your DH. It will give him time to get used to the idea before speaking to his son and maybe be more accepting of the idea.

You sound like a great stepmum. Obviously he has lots of trust in you!
Goodluck with it all x

If he really can't face telling his dad face to face then maybe a letter or a phone call while you are there to mediate with your dh.

Given the issues that Gay people still face every day with discrimination and inequality I can understand why a parent would be concerned. Nobody wants too have thier child have to deal with additional potential hardships in life. So it may be that this is where your dh is coming from. Obviously a supportive family can help negate some of this and helping your dh understand this is so important.

Yah for your step-son being able to come to you and be open about it, that is the hardest step.

Firstly I'd talk to one of the groups like PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/, they should have some information on the best way of tackling this. They may be able to help with a mediation session, with a qualified counsellor in the room when your step-son tells his father, it isn't your job to do that, you are doing what you need to do right now and that is be a support for BOTH of them, don't judge, don't take sides, just be there for both of them equally as they work through this.

The one thing that will be the hardest for your DH to understand/accept is that his son is no longer like him, I know this is irrational but men view their masculinity as a big thing and the fact that his son is now attracted to other men is a threat to his masculinity.

One thing that will have to be stressed to your DH over and over again is that his son hasn't changed at all, he is probably a more complete person now that he knows that men attract him, that he isn't trying to fit into what mainstream society thinks he should be.

:hugs: and hope this helps.

Just subscribing for now, will come back later and post as I have been through something similar.

Do you think there is any chance that your DH will take it better than you expect? I know everyone was stunned at how well my FIL took it when BIL came out - way better than MIL in fact which no-one expected. FIL really gave the impression that he would not like to have a gay son, but in fact he accepted the news very well. Perhaps your DH will be the same, especially if he's already joked about it already.

I think your DSS has put you in a difficult position though and maybe it would be worthwhile talking to him again to see if he will change his mind about telling his dad himself. i think after it's done he will feel better for doing it himself, and if things don't go well you won't be stuck in the middle. Truly, it is not your responsibility if your DH doesn't take it well. You have accepted your DSS for who he is and supported him, your DH will feel how he feels no matter how you tell him. But it would be better to not be in a position where you could be unfairly blamed.

GL hun :hug:

http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/ (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) might be a good organisation for you to contact - I am sure someone there will have had to deal with the same situation and perhaps they can point you in the right direction. I think if your DSS wants you to tell him then that is what you should do - like you said you could "soften the blow" a little for him. (I know I made sure my stepdad was with my mum when I told her (over the phone) that I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time - anything to take the heat off me!)

Well I told him. It took it very bad last night and day it was worse than I thought, but me talking and being honest about things etc. Something just clicked this afternoon, he is still a little weird and does not want to talk to him right now but in a few days time he will. I believe it was the best decision for me to tell him. Thanks every one fore your advise and support.

good on you. Hopefully the thing that clicked is that regardless he is still his son & support is what is needed not judgement.

xox Good work being such a great Step mum :D

Hopefully he will come around Mumma_Lion. I agree with *Efjay*, you are a great step mum. Your step son is lucky to have you to support him through all this. xx

I disagree that he needs to tell his dad himself, if his dad has a fit over it, it's better that he gets that out of his system so that he can be a tough man and actually support his son. He only thinks he's tough if he can't handle this! I agree with other people that if he isn't okay with his son being gay then he's homophobic. I think what your step-son is really asking you do do is shield him from his fathers anger, but let him be who he is. I just realised that is exactly what you said above! ha ha:) So glad we are on the same wavelength:) I honestly couldn't imagine being in this situation because I feel so strongly about gay rights that I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't be accepting...I think it's a tough job and if you're up for it then you have my respect and admiration. I think he (your step-son) needs someone to help him and support him, and even if his dad doesn't, but you do, then he will gain strength from that.

Sorry to ramble! Best wishes to you and the WHOLE family.

Just found the thread, sorry.
I'm glad you were the one to tell his father - that was he doesn't say something to his son that he could live to regret and that can't be unsaid.
One thing that stuck with me in your posts that I think will help - I think your DH already knew and now is dealing with facing his fear. I hope this is the case and that he really isn't homophobic, just in denial. This will be easier to erode than homophobia! Dads don't really go on about their child's sexuality unless they think that child isn't shaping up to the expectations.
As for the double standard, he probably really doesn't have anything against gay people but would have liked to seen your DSS have kids etc. That can be the hardest thing to accept of all, even in broad-minded people.
You did the right thing by both of them - DSS asked you for specific support and DH doesn't have to have the added burden of knowing he has said awful things to his own son.
Tough gig, and it sounds like you are a gem in your family :hug:

Just to update, after my last post. Dh and I talked even more and he got the courage to speak to his son last night. They talked and talked and he told his son that he loves him and will support him no matter what. And yes he was worried about the grand children thing.
Dh said that his son being gay explains alot of things we have seen in the last few years. Thanks again for everyone advise and support.

Great to hear mumma! So glad you dh is keeping lines of communication open. It must be a great relief to have it all out in the open!

That is awesome.. Your step son must be sooo relieved!

I have a little experience in this, so i will share what happened to our family last year...

I got a phone call from my sister one evening, she was clearly upset and asked to come over... i assumed that she had broken up with her BF, but didnt have any reason to suspect it as they were exceptionally happy. Anyway, they both turn up on the door step, so i quickly rule out break up... they sit down and my sister says A has something to say... he opens his mouth and says "so, i have been unhappy for a while (surprise #1) and it turns out that i like udes more than chicks" :jawdrop:

They had been together for 9 years, bought a house etc etc... He thinks that he knew for at least the last 5, but has considered the idea for the last 15! One of the main reasons he did not come out or follow his feelings is that he was terrified of how his family would take the news and the reactions of friends.

When he finally 'came out', i think he did it the right way. He told my sister first and then were over at my place telling me. The next day he told EVERY close friend and his brother personally (drove around all day), that way he could explain why he had lived a 'lie' for so long and stop the nasty gossip - he also found that the face to face telling was received so much better than over the phone and gossip.

THrough this, he lost only a small amount of friends, these were ones that were angry at him for doing this to my sister than because he was actually gay. His father didnt take the news as badly as he expected, he just told him that he didnt want to see him with a boyfriend at all (to be expected with such new news)

He also saw a councilor before giving the news to my sister, to give him some 'tips' and prepare him and then also saw a psychologist afterwards to help through some of the issues that arose within himself (mainly the guilt of dumping my sister and shattering her life)

9 months down the track, he and my sister still talk (i am polite but cant stand him for what he did to my sister) he has the same circle of friends, but is also now in a new circle that has developed through him exploring his sexuality further

I congratulate your Stepson for coming out at a younger age, I think that he will struggle at first, but hopefully there is so much more acceptance of him and his preferences...
Like others have said, you cant come out for him, he needs to do it himself and i think that he would find the reactions to be better this way. Why dont you offer to be there with him as a support - but it might be better that you dont discuss that you already know, i know that my DH would find it threatening to know that i was told first if the situation was ours.

Good luck and i am happy o help further if i can

That's great, Mummalion - you guys are gonna be ok :) That's very encouraging!