Caesar mums- do you feel you missed out?

So today I was talking to some other mums about trying for our second soon and mentioned that I would have another caesar (first one due to failure to progress). One of the girls, who had a Caesar due to her baby getting stuck, looked at me in disbelief and said 'what? You're not even going to TRY a vaginal birth?' I said no, I had enjoyed my Caesar, no recovery troubles and didn't resent the fact at all. She then went onto say how I would one day regret not feeling a vaginal birth and that 'women like you' are the reason why so many doctors disagree with vbac and on and on. I was so offended and shocked! To be honest, I haven't even considered a vbac because I am happy with my choice to have a caesar, even though I would think I'd be a great candidate for a vbac. She was really so disappointed about not getting her dream birth. I know she spent weeks preparing for the birth and had a huge plan drawn up with her ob, all which meant nothing in the end.

Now I don't know what to think! All my confidence in myself went out the window because I don't 'want' a vaginal birth and don't feel I 'need' it to be complete.

Thoughts? For those who have only had Caesars, is this an issue for you??

For me no. I birthed my baby she was just through the sunroof. I dont think I missed out, the only thing Im missing out on is raising my daughter :) We are planning for an elective c section next time with a better outcome hopefully.

Dont listen to her, if your happy with your decision thats all you need.

Yep, I wouldn't listen to her, because you're not going to gain anything by listening to her imbalanced POV! There are people you can talk to who will deal with more concrete things. FWIW, 'women like you' are not why docs don't agree to VBAC's - it's just untrue! Sure there are heaps of things you can do to avoid a c-section in the first place, to make sure it's only going to happen if medically necessary (and not caused by the medicalised system in the first place, which is the predominant reason for c-section in this country), and there are plenty of VBACers out there who can point you in the right direction if you want to explore this. Women like your 'friend' do much more harm than good - don't 'wear' her issues. DO talk to someone qualified if this conversation has raised things for you (like 'guilt' for not feeling guilt!).
Many women feel ripped off because they have been affected by the hormone transfer interruption that medical intervention causes. It won't happen for everyone, and it is very prevalent - which is why so many women seek to reclaim their sense of agency next time round. Misgivings or no misgivings, there is no 'right' way to feel after a c-section.
Good luck :)

Oh that sucks i hate it when people make you feel silly for a decision you have made. Remember that you are you and dont have to live up to anyones expectations.

I think that anyone should do what is going to give them the most internal peace and happiness. I know many women can only feel healed or resolve their issues if they have a VBAC, but I also know some who need the control of a c/s to be able to move on from a previous traumatic birth. I know if it were me I'd want the VBAC, but what she said to you was ignorant and projecting her issues onto you.

Look, I reckon some women see a VB as a defining moment in their womanhood. I've had both a VB and a caesar and I never, ever felt that about my VB, either before, during or afterwards. I wanted a VB because I like to give everything in life a red, hot go IYKWIM - NOT because I thought it made me more of a woman or more of a mother.

I had an elective caesar second time around for medical reasons owing to a long recovery from my VB.

They were just different. I certainly didn't feel less of a mother having a caesar but then, like I said, ultimately the method of birth didn't matter THAT much to me. In terms of bonding, I found it a little different. It took a little longer after the caesar and I reckon (TMI warning here) it's because a baby birthed vaginally carries her mother's smell because she's come through the birth canal and a caesar baby doesn't. They reckon a mum instinctively nuzzles and cuddles her baby to smell her. I found this the biggest difference - DD1 (the VB) smelled of me, DD2 didn't.

I had a ceaser with my first DS because he was breach and way to active to have a natural birth and had a second ceaser with my DS2 because it was the safest option in my eyes i am happy in the decision that the doctors and i made and i dont regret any of it at all. to me it doesnt matter how babies enter the world as long as they enter it happy and health then why should anything else matter.

stick with what you want to do and be happy and proud. Its whats right for you and your family no one else. Im sick to dealth of other mothers putting others down just because they didnt choose the same option that they believe in. its not fair and it should stop everyone is different and everyone does things for different reason and people shouldnt have to justice it to others.

good luck hun with your ceaser and be happy and proud hugs

I agree with trillian here, your friend is projecting her emotions onto you.

For me, 3 x c/s's, I would have liked to attempt a vbac with my last bub - but the only way that was going to happen (in any hospital in my entire state) was for me to go spontaneously; which never happened (by 41+1 anyway). I was so prepared and educated; but logistics won out in the end ;).

I now look at my babies (all 3 of them) and am happy with the way they were all born.

3 of my babies have been born via c/s. Sometimes I think about it and wish I could have one more vaginal delivery but then i remember just how exhausted I was after I had my son and I didn't see him properly for 5 hours because I was asleep.. With the others the reason I didn't see them for a few hours was because they were in SCN

I opted for a c/s with my 2nd due to them constantly telling me he was big yada yada.. I was planning of fighting them but well waters broke and my fear took over.. It all worked out for the best though. as 12 hours after his birth he became sick with seizures and would stop breathing and I believe that if I had gone ahead with a vaginal delivery he wouldn't be here today. So fear of something like that happening again we opted for a c/s with our 3rd son. I did contemplate a vaginal with DD but decided for me personally it wasn't worth the risk

If you feel comfortable in your decision then don't let anyone talk you down. When ds2 was 5 months old we were at a family wedding and 2 of DH's cousins are peadiatric nurses and when I mentioned I had a c/s and was planning on it for the next one as well they really talked down to me and made me doubt my decisions. After I went home I was feeling really down and wondered if I had made the right decision to go ahead with another c/s (I wasn't even pregnant and was already doubting everything) DH told me to ignore what they said as what we do has no impact on them and we know what is right for us as a family and from then on I didn't let anyone say anything. I would stop them and say you know what it doesn't matter how a baby gets here as long as it is healthy and the mum and dad are happy with their decision.. I am a little over the negativity around c/s (in some circles not on here)

Caesar with DD and don't feel missed out at all, this one I will try for VBAC if bubs is playing ball but mainly because I want him to choose his own way, and think recovery with having a toddler will be easier but I don't have a big desire for vaginal birth and am happy to hear that am not the only one. I understand why others want it but those feelings just don't happen for me, I wonder if not wanting it enough will work against me having a VBAC but then again I think maybe my go with the flow attitude will help. You can only feel what you feel and everyone is different, I certainly disagree with the statement that you will regret it later.

C section with my twins but it was always in the cards. It wasn't until I feel pg with ds3 and people started telling me I "couldnt" do it did I feel ripped off. I will be attempting a VBAC again this time but will never rule out a c section. The choice is yours at the end of the day. Stay away from that kind of negativity. Good luck.

DS was born by emergency c/s and I did feel a little disappointed at first that things didn't go according to plan (from natural, drug free water birth to epidural and c/s!) and sometimes I wish I'd had the opportunity to experience the whole giving birth thing. However, I had 22 hours of labour before the c/s so I did get to experience some! I will definitely be going for a VBAC if/when I have another as I don't believe in having major surgery when it's not necessary, or pumping drugs into mine (and bubs) systems when they don't need to be. Millions of women give birth naturally and I am just as capable as any of them, so why not give it a go ? ;) And I've done a fair bit of reading into outcomes of c/s vs vb for babies. However, having a c/s doesn't make me less of a mother, or less bonded with DS. And if I need to have another c/s for medical reasons, I will! What your friend said to you was out of order and unasked for. It's your decision to make, so weigh up all the options and do what's best for you, not what others deem is 'right'.

Do what ever makes you comfortable and happy at the end of the day as long as bub is here safe is all that matters.
Me having given birth naturally to 4 children and my 5th and last a c section due to placenta previa i dont feel like i missed out at all my girl is here safe BUT! i will tell you i would never opt for a c section it was horrible compared to my natural births i was up and showered within 1/2 hour of all their births i had wonderful births and would do that again in a heartbeat the ceasar for me was bloody awful.

Wtf is with people telling you what you should do and being so pushy about it? Gosh that makes me angry! You do whatever makes you happy!

Personally, after my c/s I didn't have any birth trauma or anything but I was dissapointed that I didn't get to experience a VB and I found that every time someone mentioned how I 'gave birth' in my head I would think 'I didn't actually give birth though'. I knew it was wrong to think that because I had 35+ hrs of labour and gave it a bloody good go but somehow that bit at the end meant a lot to me :doh: So next time I opted for a VBAC and I'm so glad I did because it was the perfect birth for me.

I had a planned c/s with DD at 34 weeks. She had stopped growing, was in breech, and had a serious birth defect that resulting in her having her bowels on the outside of her body.
I knew I was going to have a c/s. Althought ALOT of women with Gastroschisis bubs (DD's defect) do have VB's, with DD being in breech it wasn't a possibility.

My recovery was fine, I was up and walking around The Royal Children's the very next day.

I would like C/S next time, but if I don't, then I don't. As long as bubby gets here safe, thats all that matters. I may even opt for a c/s next time if I go overdue because my last one was so fantastic.
Its your choice. Don't let anything tell you otherwise.

I had 2x c/s and do feel like I missed out a bit - but without both my girls wouldn't be here and the feeling of disappointment gets less as time goes on. Also if I had to make a choice between a natural birth and a trouble-free pregnancy and breastfeeding relationship I would opt for the c/s. I try to focus on the bits that were positive ie. I had 2 great pregnancies with no issues at all and I BF both DD's for over 14 months so looking back I do feel happy and blessed that I was able to do the thing that was ultimately the most important thing to me.

You need to do what you feel will be the best thing for you and your baby. If that is another c/s then that is your decision. Your friend is projecting her own desires on to you and that isn't fair.

I don't feel like I missed out and the older my children get the less important the way that I birthed them seems.

I have had 2 emergency ceasers, one while trying for a vbac and i always feel i have missed out, but these are my own issues and as time goes on it gets easier. I would be like that lady BUT i wouldnt tell you what i think is right for you! If your comfortable with the decisions you have made thats all that matters, dont worry about her opinions....that are just that HER opinions and not what is going to work for you :)

Be at peace with what you decide

Oh maybe for about 5 minutes? and then I got over it. My DS was c-section and this one will be too. There are many things I would have regretted in life had I not done them - the biggest being a parent, but giving birth vaginally is not one of them. Why? Because it is a purely medical thing that we often don't have control over. I didn't have control over how I would give birth to DS, so it is not something I worry about. And he is here safe and THAT is what is important.

I trust my OB completely and therefore have no doubt over having a c-section this time. Sure, it would be easier if I had a vaginal in terms of recovery and dealing with a toddler at the same time but that is the way the cards have fallen and I am fine with that.

I find it offensive that that woman or anyone else would be trying to project her views on you like that. It shows her insecurities, not yours. Make peace with your decisions and know that being a good parent is the key - not achieving a particular birth just because people tell you you should.

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I don't feel like I missed out and the older my children get the less important the way that I birthed them seems.

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I have had a c/s and a VB and I don't think it mattered even a month afterwards how each had been born. I preferred the VB, but I don't compare my children by how they were born, I don't love my second son more because he came out of my vagina. Children at school don't compare eachother by how their mother birthed them. It is only women who judge themselves and unfortunately sometimes other women on their births.

Personally I knew I couldn't ask for surgery with my second birth unless it was medically necessary, but that was ME. I wasn't traumatised, I recovered quickly, I bonded and BF fine...I just wanted to do it without surgery. When preparing for my VBAC I met a number of women who were very damaged by their c/s and to go for another would have been unthinkable for them. They needed something different from their next birth to heal. But I would never tell someone they should feel ashamed of themselves for wanting a c/s. I would have smacked anyone who told me I was doing the wrong thing by going for a VBAC. How dare they tell you what you should choose! Ignore the woman in question and do what will make you feel the most comfortable.

Nope. I didn't know I was supposed to? I never expected to have any problems bonding, breastfeeding or being a kick ass mummy. DS is absolutely perfect and the way he was born was and is completely irrelevant to my feelings about him and about being a mother.

I should probably qualify that I answered the post from the POV of a VBer, and I am very anti-unneccessary intervention. I haven't had a c-section and I feel very strongly about people people's opinions disempowering others. That will always get my goat! You only get true peace when you are true to yourself. No-one else counts, except your children, and they are the only ones you ever have to answer to, my love :hug:

Yeah see that's the thing. I've had a lot of negativity about my Caesar, mainly from other newish mums and generally at playgroup and GENERALLY from mums who had relatively quick and 'easy' births. Yet then I have a friend who had a horror labour and birth who had already told me she will be having a Caesar next time. The way I see it is only the mother can own the feelings as a result of the birth, and I have never felt anything negative about it until now. I'm disappointed with myself for feeling this way and angry I didn't stand up but she made me feel small, like there was something wrong with me for not wanting what 'every mother wants'.

Perhaps I will do some research on vbac, so that at least I can say whatever decision I make was based on knowledge and research yeah? Who knows, perhaps I'll surprise myself with what I learn...

I really think its a personal decision and its totally up to you what you want to do because its you're birth and you're body and you're experience..i dont think there are any right or wrong decisions.

For me i lost my fluid and was induced 3 weeks early..and she got very distressed and ended up having to have an emergency c-section....

This time i will try for a vaginal because i want to experience what it is like (but will probably regret it LOL) but if i cant, i cant im not too worried..its more about my body being ready..i want to go into labour naturally. My reasoning for wanting to try is because i got post natal after birth and i couldnt/wouldnt hold her when they ask and i didnt bond with her and had trouble bfeeding etc..and have been told that if you're body is ready the milk comes in easier and the let down of hormones is good for you and can help with post natal...

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Perhaps I will do some research on vbac, so that at least I can say whatever decision I make was based on knowledge and research yeah? Who knows, perhaps I'll surprise myself with what I learn...

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I think that's the best thing to do. Making an informed decision will hopefully mean you'll have no regrets no matter how you choose to give birth :)

Whatever these women say is about THEM, not about you, even if they say it's about you ;)
I would definitely recommend doing some research, because then you can say that you really do have an informed opinion (deciding on intervention without looking into the alternatives is not informed, it's biased) about your decision, and you can then just respond with "I've done my research, I'm informed of the risks and I will answer to my children only".
No one individual woman is responsible for her birth outcome. Whether its natural or medical, even if you have a freebirth, the birth experience is a product of a society, of a culture and the structures within it. Small 'p' politics is very much part of every birth in this country, whether you know it or not. If you can distance yourself from the blame, shame or regret then you are actually in a much better place than a lot of other women who have been damaged by the same experience, and I am genuinely very happy that you are in this space about your previous birth :)
You really don't have to answer to these women.

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Yeah see that's the thing. I've had a lot of negativity about my Caesar, mainly from other newish mums and generally at playgroup and GENERALLY from mums who had relatively quick and 'easy' births. Yet then I have a friend who had a horror labour and birth who had already told me she will be having a Caesar next time. The way I see it is only the mother can own the feelings as a result of the birth, and I have never felt anything negative about it until now. I'm disappointed with myself for feeling this way and angry I didn't stand up but she made me feel small, like there was something wrong with me for not wanting what 'every mother wants'.

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I got the same thing. Other mums telling me how easy DD should have been to deliver (She was 3lb 12oz). It used to make me feel like a failure because I couldn't deliver her the 'normal' way. Don't listen to them. Its hard not to. They aren't in your shoes and they can't tell you what to think or how to feel.

Not way do I regret having a caesar and I certainly don't feel like I've 'missed out' just because I didn't experience contractions/labour/vaginal birth. I don't care if I have another caesar with this bub, I just want another healthy bub. My only negative with my caesar was the pain after birth, however my sister had a natural birth which didn't go so well and was actually in more pain for a longer period of time than I was having a c/s.

I have had 2 unwanted c-sections and yes I do feel like I have missed out on having a VB. They are my feelings though and if someone, like yourself, opts to have a c-section after previously having one, then that is your choice. I was made to feel bad enough, that I was wanting something silly by fighting for a VBAC 2nd time around. It was horrid, I don't think any other mother should be made to feel that way for making an informed choice

I had a CS because DD was breech and yep, I felt totally ripped off and devastated - AT THE TIME. But I dealt with it and got over it and am now totally fine. I'm pregnant again and seriously considering electing for a c/s over a VBAC for many reasons. There is a little voice in the back of my head telling me I might regret it though - it's a hard decision. I think having a CS before takes the whole fear out of it it.

Hi,

I haven't had a caesar, so I can't answer the question exactly but my first was an induced labour and I ended up having an epidural to bring by bp down to bring ds's heart rate down to avoid caesar (te bp and ds heartrate being up were due to the induction but thats another story) anyway I did feel loss for my natural drugfree birth. I just wanted to say really don't take this woman's reaction to your birthplans to heart, while it was quite abrupt and certainly not nice what she said I think for her she sounds like she has very strong emotions attached to her birth experience that she is still dealing with and from her perspective she will be feeling such a loss and probably thinking why would you so easily give up what she so sadly lost. I'm not at all trying to say she was right I'm just trying to say don't take it personally

I am annoyed that I had to have a CS (breech/transverse bub), but more than anything that is because I knew in advance that for me surgery leads to long term scar pain. And DS is 3 but my scar still hurts.

I think that you should consider all your options as carefully as you can. It shouldn't be about feeling "more of a woman", but about weighing up the risks and benefits of each option for both you and bub. And there is of course no uber-clear-cut answer, or we would all be automatically having repeat CS's or trying for VBACs, rather than the field being split in the way it is!

I can't believe she said that to you - it's your choice.

I had an emergency C-section and was over the moon that I had a healthy baby - by the time the decision had been made to have the emergency c-section that is the ONLY thing I cared about. I never planned on a c-section yet I never did a birth plan because I felt that a plan could lead to disappointment if not followed (for me - I'm a huge planner and not sticking to one would cause me stress, so I realized that it made sense not to have a plan - so out of character for me, but it totally worked for me) - I did assume I'd have a "normal" delivery - but I didn't have it all planned in my head or on paper if you know what I mean.

If I have number 2, it will probably be by c-section and that's my choice - the ONLY thing that I wish I could change (other than the worry that goes with having your waters break 4 weeks early), is that DS was not allowed with me in the recovery room. I held him immediately after his birth for what felt like a decent and special couple of minutes and he was with DH the whole time, but I was alone in the recovery room with a nurse for about 40 minutes and I hated being there without my baby and husband. I'm not sure why this was - and I plan on asking my OB about this if/when we are discussing delivery plans for number 2 (fingers crossed).

I can't believe she said that to you either - everyone's experience with c/sec is different, and everyone feels differently afterwards.

I have had a traumatic c/sec and a healing VBAC, so I'm a bit biased.

But...

I as induced with DS at 41+3 as I was in so much pain in my hips/back/pelvis, mostly from his position (he was posterior) but also from something that happened to my hip when I was 7wks that I still haven't got a diagnosis for.
After 41 hours of labout (most of it on my back) my OB said DS was stuck, we were both taccychardic (very low BP) and said they could either try vacuum extraction or go straight to c/sec. I was devastated as I had been wanting a VB more than anything, and it was really traumatic for me especialy when the vacuum extraction didn't work, and I was so scared that I'd need another c/sec with my next baby (yep, I had major issues lol).
My stepmum, who has had 4 c/secs, tried to calm me down before I went into theatre and told me it wasn't the end of the world etc, but I was panicking to much to listen (I'm also terrified of being cut open, and surgery of any kind in general lol).
So after having DS I felt cheated, I cried continuously, it took ages for me to start producing colostrum, and then even longer for my milk to come in and the nursery staff gave DS formula for his first feed instead of trying to get in to breastfeed, so when I wanted to try and breastfeed he wouldn't have a bar of it and wouldn't latch on, and then by 6wks what little milk I was producing was gone anyway.
I was determined to have a VBAC with DD because I had felt so cheated and I was still terrified of being operated on.
For me it was a healing experience to have my VBAC, I have bonded so much better with DD than I did with DS, because our first feed without the syringe was a breastfeed, which felt like a victory for me.
After my c-sec with DS is took me almost 2 days to get out of bed because I felt that horrible with the pain and discomfort, whereas with DD I was up and having a shower within an hour of her being born, and I felt well enough to go home that night even though we had to wait 24 hours for her sugar levels to be pronounced "Normal" because I had had GD, but I felt great! So a little over 24 hours after she was born I was home and feeling good and well the best I had felt for literally months!
Sorry to waffle on so much, but just thought I'd share what it was like for me. It would probably have been differnt if the c/sec with DS had been wanted and planned and not traumatic for me, but unfortunately I can't change that, I'm just glad I now have 2 healthy children and had the chance to experience both the c-sec and VBAC.
For me, acheiving the VBAC and to be still expressing makes me feel less like a failure as a mother than I did before.

i have had one labour
planned for and began a natural home water birth
ended up in an ambulance after 29 hours of labour
spent 7 hours of medical intervention in a hospital
then emergency c-section with complications
bonding was very difficult
PND
very long recovery period before i could stand up and walk with my back straight, not having to hold onto walls

so i resent my c-section still, after 4.5 years.
i resent the many months of my baby's first year, when all i could do was the bare essentials of caring for her, i was too ill to even stand long enough to make a sandwich.

but i would not put my experience onto another mother. I think how you go thru labour, is your decision.

i cannot use the b word about my daughter. i also say "when she arrived". i cannot bring myself to say "her b*****".

i wish i had educated myself thoroughly, about ALL ways of going thru labour. i ONLY found out about VB, and so when the opposite was happening to me (emerg c-section at 41w and 5days), i had no clue, could not make informed judgements and was at the behest of the strangers (medical staff) that happened to be on duty that day.

i tried going to CARES and it didn't help - the focus was on having a VBAC to heal yourself, for your subsequent babies. Didn't help me when my first baby was going to be my last baby.