Can you please help me understand?

I'm hoping that you can help me understand a bit better because I really need some insight please.
My sister lost her little boy at 28 weeks a few months ago (their first). It was completely devestating for them and the whole family has mourned little man and been there completely support my sister & DH. For different reasons she is not able to start TTC a sibling for her little man yet.
I am currently 12 weeks pg with our #3 gorgeous babe which we know we are so incredibly blessed to be and thank God everyday for.
We were already trying for our precious one before they lost their babe. DH & I talked about stopping trying for a while but were told that they were going to start trying straight away again (this changed through no control of theirs). They also said that they understand that life goes on and they don't expect anyone to stop living their lives just because they lost their boy. We talked about it for a month and decided not to stop trying. We fall pg very quickly this time so we understand that their loss is very very fresh and incredibly raw still.
What I am hoping you can help me with is my sister has written me off and told mum to tell me that I am not to have any contact with her or see her at all because I have hurt her so much, she can't believe i've done it to her. We didn't tell my sister we got mum to do it so she could be hurt, cry and not have to try and be excited for us and she could have some time to get her head around it before she saw us. I didn't expect her to be happy for us and yes to be sad but to completely write me off and tell me that I've done this to hurt her is devestating.
My pregnancy is not acknowledged at all by my family because of the hurt I've caused. I am devestated because I don't think I have done anything to cause hurt. My DH and I are welcoming another baby into our lives and why does my baby deserve to be ignored and me hurt by my pg being ignored?
I mean no disrepect because I could never imagine the heartbreaking devestating of losing your precious babe that is why I'm asking for different perspectives. Can you please help me understand?
Thanks,
Dan.

Aww, that is so tough. :hug:
You shouldn't have to put your life on hold to spare other people's feelings. Your sister is obviously just hurting and directing her pain and anger at you. What happened to your sister is incredibly sad and she is right to be devastated, i'm just not sure blaming you or lashing our at you is fair. But regardless of fair, it's how she is coping at the moment, and i'm sorry you have to bear the brunt of that. :hug: Hopefully she will come around.
And as for your mum, it must be so hard as a mum to do the right thing by all your children. Right now i guess she feels your sister needs her the most so is giving her all the support she can, i guess at your expense a little. But i'm sure she means well. I can understand why you feel hurt though, i would to. :hug: The reality is you haven't had a baby to hurt anyone, you've had a baby because that's what you guys as a couple want.

(Just a quick qn......If you are 12 weeks and she lost the baby a few weeks ago, does that mean you were already preg when she lost her baby?)

Thanks for you thoughts Junglemum. I made a typo it was a few months ago. We fall pg a month after.

Would writing a letter to her be a way to approach it? I don't think she'd be able to sit and listen for a while given the things you've said. I don't think it's fair that you're baby has been ignored by the entire family, I can understand why she feels hurt, but for the whole family to do the same is just unfair. Yours was a planned and wanted baby, the timing might suck for your sister, but it was right for you. Have you always wanted three (or more) and she's known this? She's probably lashing our her hurt at you because it's giving her a focus. Good luck hun :hug:

And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Regardless, it still not your fault. :hug: They will eventually see that, it might take some time though. x

Oh it must be such a tricky situation......emotions will be quiet raw at the moment and they will be grieving... maybe some time is needed, but if you're sister only lost her baby a couple weeks ago and you're 12 weeks pregnant its not like you intentally went out and got pregnant just to hurt her.

I know the hurt you can feel when you have lost a baby (well not at that late stage) but when you see a pregnant woman or a family member pregnant....you are grieving and want you're baby back and then you see a woman pregnant and want what she has...but thats not you're fault.......i personally dont think you have done anything wrong at all, it might be hard for her to see you at the moment, but i dont think she or you're other family members should blame you just for being pregnant. Sounds liek you are a very understanding and caring person so they should understand you havent gone out of you're way to hurt anyone.

All i can say is give it some time and maybe try and approach it later on.....it might be hard for her for quiet a while..even throughout you're whole pregnancy...or maybe if she falls pregnant again it might ease some of it.

Thats my personal experience anyways. Dont know what it is like to loose a baby that late in a pregnancy. I lost mine at 9 weeks...

I think shes being selfish, of course she's hurt and going to take alot of time to be able to grieve her lost son, but she shouldn't treat you like that, none of this is your fault...

Its like not celebrating someones elses marriage because yousr is falling apart. Shes being unreasonable, Just give them all time I guess and dont let them affect your own happiness about bub.... :hug:

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

TBH if I were in your sister shoes I would feel exactly the same way she does. Well I have no idea what it would feel like as I haven't had a stillborn baby but I think I would feel how she does. I personally would want space from my pregnant sister and not want to see you or speak to you unless it was on my terms. To me it would be a constant reminder of what you have and I'd assume if I were in your sisters shoes got so easily and what I didn't have. I imagine the hurt would be soul shattering regardless of weather she knew you were trying or not. If she knew you were trying she probably has been worried about an announcement for sometime and if she didn't then it would probably be a huge shock.

I HATED my best friend when she announced she was going to try for a baby and then a month later when she fell pregnant just after I lost an early pregnancy after 2yrs trying. I did not expect her to not try but I guess at the same time I wanted to be first as I was trying so long and in my eyes it was my turn. It was a real kick in the guts every moment I thought of her, saw her status of facebook etc. I rarely spoke to her for the duration of her pregnancy. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I had lost my baby in the 3rd trimester that was just after a m/c and infertility.

I wouldn't write her anything other then say how sorry you are that things have turned out this way or get your mum to remind her. For me (and I know everyone is different) I'd ask your mum to say I had no idea what she was going through, your sorry for her hurt and you love her and will be their when she is ready. That maybe a week or years away. If she has said she wants not to speak or see you I'd respect those wishes. I would however tell your mother how you feel and the lack of support from your family.

I agree with Junglemum that your mum probably feels your sister needs her the most so is giving her all the support she can. I don't think its that she would mean to make you miss out but perhaps by giving you support its fueling your sisters pain.

CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy. I'm sorry your whole family has been through such a tragedy which has put a dampener on what should be a very exciting time in all of your lives.

I'm nearly 20 weeks pg with our 2nd child, conceived 6 months after DS died. I still sometimes struggle with other people's pregnancies. There's nothing rational about it. It's grief and fear we'll lose this one too. Maybe there's resentment that other people can take for granted pregnancy = live baby.

I dont have a sister so dont understand that relationship. I can imagine if I had one who got pregnant within a month or 2 of my baby dying that I'd feel devastated. I dont know. As she lost her bub at 28wks, she was still living through the remaining 12 wks til her due date. It's a thing we do. It's perfectly normal. During the time she should have still been growing her baby, she was mourning her loss - the baby itself and the pregnancy. She would have been completely immersed in grief. There's not much chance she could be rational about it.

There may be other issues involved. This was her first, you're pregnant with your 3rd. Fear they may not be able to have a live baby. Previous history between the 2 of you.

You're not to blame for how she deals with her grief or for you lashing out at you. It's sad she's acting like you've done something to deliberately hurt her. It's not rational, it's grief and fear and jealousy and more grief. As if you'd conceive a much wanted, loved child to spite someone, let along your grieving sister. Maybe talk to your Mum about it. She's mourning her grandchild and grieving for her daughter. If you mention how hurt you are and you just want this baby to be loved as well. She'll come around.

I dont think you can do anything with your sister except give her time to grieve. Maybe write her a letter telling her you never meant to hurt her. That you're grieving for her etc. You can only put it out there. It's up to her how she deals with it. Dont be surprised if she never wants to have anything to do with your new baby. For her, s/he will be a constant reminder of what she's lost, through no fault of you or the baby.

I hope some of that helped a little with understanding.

Huge :hug: babe. First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy! Awesome chrissy present for you this year!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family hun. I haven't had a late loss, but i have had 3 mc and i have a close friend who has lost twins (she is on BB) at 24 weeks.
I have sorta been on both sides of the fence with this....When i lost my daughter(at 12 weeks last year) my mum was pregnant too- we were due 10 days apart. I won't lie, it was really hard and i couldn't speak to her for a couple of weeks afterwards....BUT i tried not to make her feel bad because i knew she felt horrible too. I ended up being at the birth of my little sister and i am so glad i was :D

With my friend i felt horrible telling her, as she struggled with infertility as well as the loss of her babies. I told her i wouldn't shove it in her face, and if she couldn't be around me to just tell me and i wouldn't be offended at all. Although it hurt like hell for her, she got up and hugged me and said congratulations and has been nothing but supportive throughout my whole pregnancy, because she loves me and is my friend.
Now she's pregnant too :D I'm making her get pg belly photo's done with me lol.

I am sorry for your sisters loss, but it is unfair for you to feel persecuted by your family. You obviously understand that she wouldn't want to know about your pg right now, which is fair enough, but to cut you conpletely out of her life is really harsh. I hope your family wakes up to themselves, and thinks about what they are doing.
From a rational point of view you didn't wake up the morning after your sisters loss and say i think i'll have another baby, because that'll rub it in thier face?
I hope you guys can talk and work things out. Huge hugs, and im sorry if i rambled!

Lots of love xxxx

You have every right to celebrate your pregnancy and your family should be happy for you :hug: I can understand your sister on the other hand, not feeling happy about it all. She would be hurting so badly. Give her time... she will come around.

It's an awful situation for you and not fair on you either :hug:

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I'm stoked for you ;)

Hi, congrats on your pregnancy :)

Sorry for your sister's and your families loss xox

Maybe she was initially hurt that you weren't the one to tell her and her grief is just adding to her reaction?

Could she feel rejected and/or abandoned by you because you didn't tell her the news yourself? She may already feel alone and distanced by having gone through this experience and not having anyone close who has gone through the same thing?

Were you sparing your own feelings as well by getting your Mother to tell her, so as to not have to deal with her reaction and emotions? I can totally understand how hard it would be to give her that news and I would quite possibly have done the same thing, so there's no judgement from me. Just a suggestion as to how your sister may see it.

I know the loss of a baby/child is hard on entire families, so big hugs to you and I hope it works out for you and your sister xox

Thank you all for your perspectives. I'm just so confused so thanks for helping me get it sorted in my head.

What a hard position for you to be in. Hugs and congratulations on your pg.

Firstly, as the others have said, your sister is dealing with a very deep, very painful grief. A grief so intense that she is not physically able to connect with you or your pg, because you have the one thing she would give anything to have, and that cuts her like a knife inside. I dont think it is wrong or unfair that she resents you at this time because at the moment she can only see the fact that you are pg and she is not, when she should be. But one day perhaps she may regret the way she is treating you now.

Of course it isnt fair that your pg is being ignored when it shouldnt be. I would be devastated too, and I guess there is no win-win here. However your mum should be doing more to celebrate your pg, because this new baby deserves it. You should not feel bad in any way that you conceived this baby when you did. You have a right to live the life you want, and you did consider her feelings by asking your mum to tell your sister.

I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this :hug:

I've only had an early loss (8 weeks) but I know how difficult it was to deal with pregnant people, especially as like your sis, I wasn't even allowed to try for a while. Not being able to try for another bubba is like rubbing salt into the wound. Not even having hope to hold another baby in your arms.

I am guessing she probably thought you would stop trying out of consideration for them, even though she said not to "stop living your lives". I know I would expect a sister or close friend to at least wait a little while, even if that was unreasonable.

I still struggle with other people's pregnancies, nearly two years on from my loss, and with my earthside baby in my arms. Hard to explain, but I do. It all melts away once their baby is here, though, for some reason. It's nothing to do with the child; I'm mourning the journey. I had a long and bumpy road into motherhood, and I find it really hard to watch other folks have a relatively easy journey.

Give her time, let her do it on her terms. If she needs space, then give it to her. Don't stress about it, don't be mad, let it go, and welcome her when she does choose to come to you.

Also, when she does start trying again, and get pregnant, even when she's past 28 weeks, even with that baby in her arms - don't ever assume that the hurt will go away.

First of all, congratulations on your pg hun!

Second of all, I am so sorry you are going through such a stressful time with your family, especially your sister. You have done nothing wrong hun, your baby is very much wanted and your beautiful pg should receive as much excitement as your other two. Your sister's loss would be simply devastating, and she simply wants what you have. She is hurt, angry, jealous, irrational, and taking all her hurt on you. You don't deserve that, but to her it should be her that's pg. Not you, you already have 2. I don't have a sister so I can't speak from experience, but when I lost my little boy at 21 weeks, I cringed ever time I saw a pg lady. I lost Josh in October 2008, and then had corrective surgery in January 2009, so didn't come back to work after xmas until February. In my office a girl I know well had her IVF treatment when I was having corrective surgery and because she had complications with her cycle, she stayed away from work until April, even though she did get pg. Being around her was soooooo hard. But in the end I realised that I will be pg too one day and I turned my thinking around and was happy and supportive of her through her pg. I did get pg a few months later and we were actuall pg together. All the hurt, and anger and jealousy just went away when I became pg.

You ladies are right - this is a no win situation. :grouphug: thank you all so much for helping get it right in my head. You have all given me a lot to think about so thank you very much.

remember we tend to hurt those closes to us as deep down we know that they will still be there for us when the dust settles...


Its the pain and rejection you will have to try to disassociate with your baby. YOU take it personally but they are thinking of you not your baby.

I had the same thing (different but the same) when we fell with our third. But my sister and SIL couldnt fall pregnant and had been trying for a long time. They both were hurtful and cut us off and our older kids, and it seemed as tho everyone in our families had taken their side, THere was no celebration or congratulations. But **** 6 months after he was born and they were both pregnant they were all lovey dovey like all that pain had never happened!

Same sister also thought i only feel pregnant with my first to ruin her wedding..... women :wall:

I have had two losses and both times i have had unreasonable and unjustifiable thoughts or feelings towards other people..... Its greif, its raw and sadly she is living it!

No real advice in all that dribble....

I feel terrible for her but i also feel very sad for you!


CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!

I celebrate the pregnancies and births of my girlfriends babies but I don't have a sister. I lost my baby Ellen at 41 weeks. I struggled when two friends who are close got pg before I got pg again but I was still supportive. One of those friends however barely spoke to me when I was pg with Ellen because she was having trouble getting pg.
I guess there is no real answer. Everyone copes with their emotions after a loss differently and some hang on to things that are not entirely emotionally healthy. Most angel mums like your sister do sort themselves out eventually however.

Thank you all so much for you replies. It has taken me a really really long time to come back to this thread. I now completely understand where my sister is coming from I am more than happy (bad wording but can't think of another way) for her to take her grief out on me - it is how she needs to be to try and survive my pregnancy. I will be here if but hopefully when she is ready.
What I am still absolutely devestated about is my mum and dad. I am crying at least once a day about it. They refuse to acknowledge my pregnancy and baby :cry:. I took some advice posted on here and called mum to talk about it. I told her how much I was hurt by her refusing to acknowledge my baby, her grandchild. I was told that I just had to accept that I have hurt them so much and I just need to give them time :cry:. This was when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I am now 23 weeks and still no acknowledgement of my pregnancy. I am absolutely devestated. I don't even call my mum anymore because I cry for days after I talk to her because she never asks. I saw mum a few weeks ago and found myself hiding my bump so I could pretend I wasn't pg when I was there so I didn't have to acknowledge my mum doesn't care about her grandchild.
How is that fair to my baby/me??
I sit here everynight crying wondering what I have done?
Is she even going to hold my baby? Is she going to come to the hospital to meet him/her? I shouldn't have these thoughts about my own mum meeting my baby :cry:.
I am riddled with guilt when all I am doing is bringing another precious baby into our life - I am not or even trying to replace my sister's baby.
I have nightmares that she refuses to call my baby it's name and only my sister's babys name because I should never have done this to our family.

This is even starting to affect her relationship with my other two kids because she won't see me. I asked her to pick up a parcel to take to my other sister and she told me to leave it in the mailbox so she didn't have to come in. I sat in my lounge room crying as I watched her pick it up and not come in to see me or my kids. We have seen her once in months when we used to see each other once/twice a month for the weekend and talk every other day on the phone. The kids have also stopped asking about them.

Sorry this makes no sense. I am just devestated. I have no-one I can talk to about it. DH is devestated the same as me and seeing me so upset just makes him so mad with my mum so I don't like to bring it up with him.
This is the selfish part - this is ruining my pregnancy and my joy of my precious baby and last pregnancy. I shouldn't have to sit here in tears every day but I am just completely lost what to do.

Just re-read my post and I sound so selfish. Like it's all about me. Definitely not what I meant. I understand my parents are grieving the loss of their grandchild. What am I going to do?!?!?

Lovely gorgeous Dan. You are so far from selfish its not funny. I'd like to come and give your Mum a bit of a smack if that's ok. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for your sister but however hard it is for us to deal with losses and others' pregnancies, somewhere underneath it all you DO have to accept that life goes on, and that while your own life may be in the poo, others are entitled to happiness.

I can only hope that when your bub is born your Mum and Dad come to their senses and realise that where there is loss there is also new, wonderful life. I also hope that your sister is soon pregnant again and can experience some baby joy too. I honestly don't think there is anything more you can do than what you've done. You shouldn't have to apologise for the choices you have made for your own family, and you of all people are entitled to joy, happiness, support and love.

I wish I was there to give you a huge cuddle. Love you, and I for one can't wait to welcome your new baby into the world.

My step sister knowingly fell pregnant less than 8 weeks after jack was born. She made my mum tell me because she couldn't herself.
I msged her and told her that while I'm happy they're extending their family at the moment I'm not in any head space to be able to deal the pregnancy. ( the thought of seeing her hugely pregnant at Christmas when I can't have my beautiful boy made me feel physically ill) and I told her that I'd need to take a step back from them for a while while I learnt coping strategies and that I was hurt that she couldn't tell me herself.
She blew up at me and asked me if I wanted her to get rid of the baby so I could have another one ect and that I was going to cause rifts in the family.
This was a few weeks ago, I haven't spoken to her since but my entire step family has taken it upon themselves to rid on Facebook and basically slag me off to anyone who will listen.
I shouldn't let them get to me but hurts knowing I've done nothing wrong yet I'm still the bad person.
Mum thinks that now that I'm pregnant everything is roses again, but it's not I don't want to see them again. Not after everythings been said.
Sorry to hijack thought u might want to see it from this side of the fence. Not that you'd ever be so rude to your sister. Mum and her dp were originally shocked and I think more upset for me than anything but they're embracing her new baby just like they are our new baby.

:

---

Just re-read my post and I sound so selfish. Like it's all about me. Definitely not what I meant. I understand my parents are grieving the loss of their grandchild. What am I going to do?!?!?

---

Im sorry, but it is about you. Its about you and your sister.
I really do not get where your parents are coming from at all :( How you have hurt *them*? You need to give them time?
Your sister's experience is one thing and I can try to empathise with her position, but your parents one I find oddly puzzling.

Oh Dan :hug: I can't imagine how hurt you must be, especially seeing as we know what a gorgeous woman you are who wanted to cause your sister as little pain as possible hun. The other girls have given you loads of advice hun and I don't really have any other than to suggest talking to your sister? I am a talker so I don't know if this is way off the mark and maybe not even possible at this point in the the grieving process. As for your parents, I would be point blank telling your mum how hurt you are, how you hope they will be a part of your kids lives and deal as graciously as you have been. Wish I could wrap you up in a big real :hug:...Any trips for Melbs planned soon? You know where I live ;) Thinking of you darls. xoxox

Oh my gosh Hun,
I can't believe you are going through this. You are not selfish at all. Your mum is being so unreasonable. Like you said you were ttc before any of this happened. You can't put your life on hold because of what other people are going through. Who knows what could happen. It could be years before your sis ttc or falls pregnant again. I don't know what you can do, sorry i'm no help but this is just so unfair on you and your bubba. You should be enjoying this special time. Maybe you need to stop trying for now with your mum. Do things that make you happy, spend lot's of time with your gorgeous family. You unfortunately can't change the way people are and I am sure your mum is really going to regret the way she is treating you. Tell her how much she is hurting you and that enough is enough, I don't understand how you have hurt them!!! You are having a baby, how precious, there is nothing you should feel guilty about. Don't hide your bump. Be proud for your bubba. I really hope that your family see the light and apologise to you. I hope they can accept your pregnancy and make things right xxx

Oh :hug: Unfortunately I know just how you feel :(