is not sending a 3.5year old to day care really that bad?

Just wondering, is not sending your child to day care really that bad? My 3.5year old attends 2 x days a week. I get many comments from other Mums saying they send their children for social interaction. This is a very interesting topic for me as I have a bit of a gut feeling not to send DD there anymore. I never did and neither did many people I know and we all just attended Year 1 and were fine. I'm a stay at home Mum.

This is a gentle parenting discussion. I'm not wanting to compare with other Mums as I realise that everyone's circumstances are different. I just wonder whether I'm alienated at times because I stay at home and sometimes don't really feel like day care benefits my DD IYKWIM...hope this makes sense :rolleyes:

Hi Meg,

I can see both sides. My DD is only 10months old, but DH who is a SAHD and I have discussed child care. I would love for her, when she is older, to go to day care so she can socialize with other children and learn things about the world that we can't 'teach' her IYKWIM. Although we have no actually need to put her in care, we feel that it will benefit her. We were thinking of sending her maybe 2 days a week. I think it will also give DH abit of freedom too.

I undertand the descion not to put kids in day care. Its not compulsory and its a choice and aslong as your and the kids are happy then don't worry about what others do. Your lifestyle only needs to suit you IYGWIM. :)

I think yes there are benefits to sending kids to childcare and yes there are benefits to not sending them so I think if you're not comfortable with it then don't send her, I definitely don't think you ar edoing anything wrong by not sending her!

Goodluck making your decision!

We had DD1 in preschool, she went one day a week, adn it lasted under 2 months.

I personally didnt like the affect it had on both girls. I had anxiety attacks every week in the lead up to preschool day. And I can say I never once enjoyed her being there. It just didnt feel right.
Shes the same age as your DD , mine will be 4 in september. I figure that really there is no harm in keeping her home this year. We will revisit the preschool thing next year in the lead up to kinder.
So in answer to your question, no I dont think it is all that bad not sending them to day care.

Everyone is different and need different things. Introverts need time alone to refuel their tank, extraverts need time with people to refuel their tank, one is no more right than the other - it's relative.

No, I don't think you need to send your kid to childcare in order for them to be "socialised", and it isn't something they have to spend huge chunks of time doing in order to be "socialised". Being socialised basically means that someone has learned how to get along with other people. No where do I see that as meaning only being able to get along with people in your same peer group, and generally speaking people from similar socio-economic groups tend to congregate in the same area, go to the same schools/child care etc. so going to these places doesn't always mean that a child will experience diversity. All that means is they have learned how to get along with that particular peer group, and that doesn't necessarily make them really socialised. People need to be able to get along with those younger, older, black, white, and everything in between. Every person a child interacts with will "socialise" them, including you, siblings, grandparents, cousins, the guy at the counter in the shop, kids at the park, the boy next door. It doesn't have to be large groups of same age children.

If you don't have to send your kids to day care, then why would you?
There are plenty of ways kids can interact with other kids, when they're developmentally ready for it (and 3.5 is normally when children are starting to play 'with' instead of 'around' other kids). There are so many playgroups around it's not funny. There are kids gym classes, dance classes, swimming, etc.
I sent DS to childcare because of uni, and never bothered with 3yo kinder because of the activities he had during the week on top of childcare 2 days a week. I kept sending him to childcare when I was on leave from uni because I ended up needing the break to be with DD, not for his own benefit (because, given a choice, he would have stayed home and, in a perfect world, I would have kept him with me).
Childcare is increasingly being marketed as 'early education', but it's not, really. They use developmental ideas to create the care environment, and it's stuff that an engaged parent can do at home. There are many reasons a lot of mums can't engage with their toddlers - older and younger children, work, study, personal illness etc - so this isn't a judgment call, it's just the way it is. It's the way it was with me. I think I'm one of those mothers whose cracks really show when I'm not supported, and childcare helped me out when my parents moved away and MiL took a step back when we were living with her (instead of being the extra hand I was under the impression she'd be).
Now I need childcare for DD for the next 4 or 5 months till end of academic year. After that I don't want her in care. It's only because I need it to study. She doesn't need it for socialisation - she mixes with kids at her brother's activities, cos she comes with me!
I also find that people who fall back on "it's great for socialisation" are afraid to say they need the break. I'm not - I needed the break!
Believe me, if you're loving being at home with your child, then your child doesn't need day care, and that's a good thing :)

There are a whole heap of ways to socialise your child without daycare. Personally I never sent my children until I had to so if you are happier not sending your child then that's fine :)

My situation is a bit different. We live in a remote area and my daughters pretty much just play with each other. They don't often have the opportunity to socialise with other children. The inly kids the do play with are much older and quite nasty. Now we are back in Aus for 4 months I have put Dd1 into kinder. It is something I never planned on doing, I didn't see a need. But things changed. I am here, 37 weeks pregnant with 2 toddlers. I have no help, despite living with my parents. (what's with that mayaness?!) so it has benefited us in two ways. I needed a break which I now get. And Dd did need to socialise, she didn't know how to make friends and play appropriately. She is so excited to have friends and in only a couple of weeks I can see the play skills she has learnt. By that I mean she is able to interact and play with her sister in a much more amicable and appropriate manner. I hoped I was able to teach her these things but I can see now they do learn a lot from other children. On top of that she is loving learning new things, she babbles on all night about what she learnt. If we lived here permanently and we had playgroup and lots of activities, things may have been different, I don't know.

Do I think a 3.5year old child needs to go to kinder? No I don't.

Have I found it beneficial? Absolutely.

I think it really depends on the parents situation and the child and there is no one answer fits all. :)

No, in no way is it 'bad' to not send a child to day care!! Sure, maybe some social interaction is good, but that doesn't mean they need to do that for one or more days every week without you there. Most parents have opportunities for their kids to interact with other kids whether it be through playgroup, ABA, or just at the local park! I am of the opinion that for little kids being with Mum at home is important if you are able to do that in your family.

I like the blog post quoted in this thread: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...0/#post2809840

So if you don't have to send your kids to care, then don't! And there is absolutely no need to feel guilty, it's not something a child of that age needs. On the other hand, if you want to, great! Do whatever works for you and your family and whatever feels comfortable.

My DD#3 is 3.5 yrs old too. And i dont send her to daycare. Im a SAHM to 4 children - 2 at school this year, 2 at home. I dont understand why i would fork out up to $50 a day to send her to daycare/kindy/preschool, when im at home...thats why im at home, to mind my children - not watch Oprah or sit on FB....
I learnt from my lessons though. I sent DD#1 to daycare when she was just 2.5yrs old...just for 1 day a week, moved it up to 2 days a week when she turned 4. REgret it now. So regret it. Did it for #2 also (although she started when she turned 3). It didnt prepare them for school (they both still cried their little hearts out for the first week)and it didnt ease the separation anxiety. Yes, i may have got a few things done that day i might not have with them at home, but nothing i can truly remember...nothing thats stuck in my mind...nothing that i couldnt have asked my mother, or MIL to step in for.
For me, im at home to mind the children. My husband works two jobs so i can do this. So why would i cart them off to daycare??? Why would i pay for someone else to mind them??? I would rather invest that money into my child in other ways - swimminglessons, dancing lessons. Which is what we do.
I agree with Mayaness...its a good thing if thats what your ok to do.

I started DS at kindy when he turned 3. That is the age that it becomes free for 20 hours a week here. If I had to pay then I may not have bothered because I am a stay at home mum so it doesn't seem right to lose an entire income so I can stay at home and then pay for them to be looked after by someone else iykwim.

I am really happy with the decision though and now he is doing 4 half days per week. He has become soooo much more confident and social since starting. He was a kid that needed the social interaction - he was always a stand back kind of kid and he didn't enjoy music/playgroups that we went to and we don't have friends/family that visit so it was basically just us.

But it really is each to their own. There is no reason you have to send them to daycare if you are happy with having them at home.

Neither of my girls have gone to daycare, and while they do come into contact with other kids at the park, their cousins etc their whole "socialisation" is dealing with each other on a daily basis. DD1 started kindy this year and from all reports is a very social little kid with her classmates with no problems arising from not having had the daycare experience.

I think daycare is a really personal decision, and it also depends on the individual child. I have no doubt DD1 would have enjoyed daycare. I'm not sure DD2 would.

I take my LO to the (free) library reading & rhymetime sessions. She loves it, and i love watching her interact with the other kids. I have a playgroup in mind and we have play dates with friends at our house, their house, the play centre, library. THere are heaps of ways you can 'socialise' your kids without doing day care.

Can I just point out there is a world of difference between kindergarten and childcare. Kindergarten is an important step prior to school. It is part of a child's education, taught by a teacher qualified with a Bachelor of Education. It is not child-minding.

It depends on the kindergarten though N2L. I pulled DS2 out of his prior to school because he hated it and the way it was run, there was no education and all free play. I could, and did, prepare him better for school myself and he has not suffered from his lack of pre school "education".

However the twins' daycare is a fabulous educational establishment, despite it being a childcare centre rather than a kinder. They have really begrown whilst being there but I still would not have sent them if I didn't have to in order to attend uni.

Neither of my girls have been to daycare but DD1 will be going to 3yr old kinder for the interaction.
Personally I feel she needs it, she's at the stage I feel she needs someone else to teach her and to interact with children her age.

I don't think there is anything wrong with them not going, you know your child, you can only do what you feel is good for them.


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

I wouldn't send my children to daycare for that reason N2L. The daycare here is just supervised play, the kindergarten is mentally stimulating and the children's interests are nurtured and expanded. But I think kindy in NZ starts a lot earlier than Australia?? Here they go to kindy usually from 3-5 then start school.

So I guess back to the original question, I wouldn't send them to daycare just for social interaction because we have the kiddie groups for that. I sent him to kindy because he needed more stimulation than the was getting at home, the social side was an added (but fantastic) benefit iykwim.

Sorry he had such a bad experience Trav. Don't let it put you off! If you want to know of some good kinders in your area PM me. My mum knows who's who down your way :)

Thanks N2L that's very kind, but I am going to have no choice but to leave them in childcare until school because of uni. But they're learning so much there I'm pretty happy with the placement. Hopefully their teachers will not change jobs in the next years and a half :D

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Can I just point out there is a world of difference between kindergarten and childcare. Kindergarten is an important step prior to school. It is part of a child's education, taught by a teacher qualified with a Bachelor of Education. It is not child-minding.

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And can I also point out that daycare staff really don't like being labelled as child minders - when there are alot of us who provide very educational programs too. It is quite offensive to quality workers if you actually observed the time and skill that goes into quality programs to be then considered nothing more than child-minders. Sorry, but that one really gets under my skin.
Off topic but I had a 'teacher' in my centre recently observing my group leader running our pre prep program - who does not have the correct piece of paper - she said to me 'you don't need a teacher to run this, you already are'.
As are there some kinders who have a bachelor qualified teacher, yet provide poor standards of programs.
Everyone can't be tarred with the same brush - do some investigating and only make any decision based on how you and your child feels and don't feel pushed by anyone else.

I don't think it's bad not to, no. There's plenty of other ways to get the same thing.
My DS is in daycare 2 days a week - intitally it was because I was working, then to have a break, and now simply because he enjoys it (I don't get a break now since DD came along).
I find it interesting when people fret about 'socialising' their kids, when really all they need to do is interact with them.

Respectfully Ausgirl, a Bachelor of Education is more than "a piece of paper".

i really don't think it's that bad not to send your child. it's entirely your choice & depends on your feelings, situation & your child.

i think i'm the only one of the playgroup i go to that doesn't use either day care or occasional care (most of them go for one 3 hour session a week). i hear alot about the socialisation aspect but i feel that DS gets lots of socialisation & stimulation - each week we go to playgroup, a music playgroup & he has a swimming lesson. on top of that we usually visit all grandparents & have some playdates as well & that if i were to send him it would be for a break - more for me than for him. which is cool, we're just not there yet.

if things work for your family, then it's all good :)

No I do not think it is a bad thing at all.
None of my children have gone to daycare, not that there is anything wrong I didn't see it as necessary.
They have always been socialised I didn't think I had to send them to DC for that.
The older four all adjusted very well when they started kindy the year they turned 4.
Each family and child is different so make your decision on your family not on what others say.

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I find it interesting when people fret about 'socialising' their kids, when really all they need to do is interact with them.

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I thought the same thing MadB, and I was actually really sad when I realized I couldn't or wasn't giving my DD all she needs. I have house help so no chores to fill my day. So pretty much the whole time was spent interacting with my kids. Lots of outside play, imaginative play, craft, swimming every day, visiting the playground.(with no other kids) I use lots of craft ideas from homeschooling montessori blogs. I had absolutely no concerns about her mental and physical development, but after we returned to Aus it became quite clear really quickly that she was missing those social skills. Maybe she would have got there on her own , I don't know.
I'm still not fretting about the lack of social interaction my kids get though, if I was really concerned we wouldn't be heading back. But kinder has definitely been fantastic for us for a couple of months. :)

But yes, our situation is kind of the extreme. And generally kids can socialise in other aspects of their life.

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Respectfully Ausgirl, a Bachelor of Education is more than "a piece of paper".

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Totally agree - it is years of hard work, as are the qualifications that childcare staff have - just not as many years. Have you ever looked into the legal requirments for document keeping and programming in childcare (in Queensland anyway)? Don't want to turn this thread into something it's not meant to be - however I feel so strongly about when people don't understand what we do that I just couldn't leave the baby sitting comment alone.

Megb - can I ask, what are you looking for in a day care centre? You said you don't think it benefits her - what do you mean by that? Is it having a negative impact?

Are you planning on sending her to kindy? Not sure where you are and the age that it starts.

From memory, I think you've posted about your childcare angst before. Apols if I'm thinking of someone else. Hope you can come to a resolution for that works for your daughter soon.

Not that I have an older child, but for my two cents, socialization can be gained from a whole range of places not just day care. At that age, it's the interactions that count, not the forum that provides them.


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From a personal experience I am in two mids about this.. when I was pregnant with DD i decided that I would send DS to day care one day a week. I had a few reasons why i wanted to send him, and one was defiantely for a little bit of a break and a chance to bond with DD with some one on one time. But also the fact that DS (2 years old at the time) had honestly never left my side for any long period of time and I was a bit worried that when school time came he would be spending too much time and energy adjusting to not being with me that he would miss out on learning if that makes sense. And i was right, it did take some adjustment for him. It didnt help that he didnt seem to like one of his carers, because there was a noticable difference in his attitude to going to day care when they teachers did a rotation and he no longer had a certain teacher.

So it took some time for him to adjust, and i really did enjoy Mondays, i could make appts to do things knowing that i would only have a sleeping baby not a toddler to chase, I got lots of house cleaning done, time with DD and even some time to myself!!!!!

BUT... the social interaction thing.. well.... my experience was that the only social interaction stuff he learned was learning bad attitude and behaviours from the other kids.. he started doing this spitting thing and actually stopped talking, instead making this weird noise and being right in my face. It wasnt until i went to pick him up one day and i met the culpret. A child who was running arounf the room spitting raspberries and making this weird noise that my DS has started making in the last week. (Now it could have gone either way, my son could have started it, but i dont think so as he never did it before going to care)

We also had what we called Terror Tuesday.. he went to care on Mondays and on Tuesday he was an absolute **** of a kid. Tantrums all day, crying, throwing things just generally crazy!!!!! I think in some ways he was a bit over stimulated on Mondays, the day care was actually really interactive and they did alot of craft and learning things- I loved getting the craft things every week that he made!! But in some ways I think for him it was a bit too much!

So recently we moved a fair distance from the day care he was in, and in the new house I havent enrolled him anywhere. We no longer have Terror Tuesdays... he is talking again and not spitting at me. We only have the one car at the moment so cant even make it to a play group- but I reckon he is enjoying having mum and DS and DD time!! And I dont feel like I need that break anymore, DD is interactive with DS now and they play together, she would miss him if he was gone for a whole day!!!!

But thats my experience with a 2yo... I am hoping when it comes to kinder time he rememebrs that he was at Day Care and mummy always came back to get him and he will adjust ok, if I dont think he will then i MAY consider day care for a few months before school. I also want to start studying again when DD is a bit older so I may even have them both in in a few years so i cna get ahead start on studying.

I dont think there is a right or wrong answer, Good or Bad... its up to you and your family... your circumstances, the day care you choose and what makes you all happy!!

N2L- I just want to say I totally agree with a childcare and kinder program being totally different. The kinder my Dd goes to actually runs a Montessori program. I kind if felt it was a bit over the top in the beginning but she loves learning new stuff. They have free play time but it is quite limited, most tasks, although they seem fun are educational. They have a different topic each week, last week it was outerspace this weeks its the world and different countries. They also teach Chinese to the kids :o. Maybe it wasn't the socialization that was missing, maybe she just needed more stimulation. :dunno: but it has certainly helped her. She is almost 4 though. My 2 year old I don't think needs it. I still think I can offer all she needs. :)

Now this in my opinion ok.. No judgement

When I quit work when DS was 11 months old we made the decision that I would be a SAHM till the last of our children went to school. We did try DS2 in daycare the year before prep. (half days once a week) Him and I were miserable,,

None of my children (apart from Ds1 when I was working) went to daycare (should point out I worked in daycare so my son was with me most days) They are quite social, and generally make friends with other kids quite well.. They all play well together

If your gut feeling says to keep her home then do so. I don't think you can "damage" them either way to be honest..

I think there's definitely not a "one size fits all" answer.
My DS went to CC one day a week at age four, the year before he started Kinder, and DD went at age 2. Both my children have anxious natures, and it was important to me to start them in an environment that was small, where i could stay with them as long as it took, and we could ease into them being without me for a short time. And with DD, i def needed a break from her as it got to the point where she was bordering on hysterical going anywhere at all, even when i was with her. If i hadn't had concerns about how DS would go at Kinder, i never would have started CC. They both loved/love it.
Just do what you feel is right for you. Honestly, if it doesn't feel right, it's probably not.

firstly, thank you EVERYONE for your lovely posts. i honestly appreciate all the feedback, it's been brilliant. every family is different i totally agree so we decided to take DD out of day care for now. it's been a couple of weeks and she's a totally different child. i honestly can't believe the difference in her. it seems really strange that she could go from a very naughty little girl to someone really well behaved, loving time with her brother and sharing/being kind to him. i am sort of in shock in a way and our relationship as mum and daughter is much better. she's not tired (although in the first week back home she was sleeping 3 hours in the day) so she's back to sleeping around 1.5hours now. we all are very healthy too, sure we'll pick things up when we're out but the kids have much more energy and so do we, we had all been very ill since february. i'm just so happy having her at home now with me every day and sort of wonder whether she was completely ready? she hasn't asked after day care but when i ask if she'd like to go, she tells me she wants to stay home with us. i just want to make sure she's not missing out on anything so we've joined a play group and we do visit friends through the week with children, do playgrounds, crafts at home etc. i just wanted to say again, thanks so much for listening to my rants over the last few months. i think the decision has been a great one. xxx