'if I can...'

Ok, not too sure what the point of this post is... But it is something that has been playing on my mind of late, so thought I would share.

Why is it that almost every new mum to be (including myself a couple of years ago) seems to say 'I want to breast feed if I can'

It's as if we embark on motherhood expecting to not be able to breastfeed, when in reality it is very small minority who can't. It's like society sets us up to fail in some ways. I don't know for a fact, but I would expect that there are more couples who have difficulty conceiving than there are women who don't have their milk come through. But you rarely hear a woman about to embark on the TTC journey say 'I want to have a baby, if I can'.

Anyway, it's just an observation of mine. Perhaps in our endeavors to educate people about breastfeeding and the difficulties that can come along with it, we're unintentionally sending the message 'hey, give it a go, but be prepared to fail'....

For me, I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to because my mum couldn't. She tried with both me and my brother, managing a week with me and a bit longer with my brother. She was crying the entire time we fed because it was so painful for her and in the end both of us stopped gaining weight. So I wasn't sure if I could, didn't know if I faced the same challenge as mum did, but was also determined to give it a go. I was happy to find that I could, and went on for 14 months.

I have thought the same Miss E.

I understand what PakRakMG says though about your mother's experience influencing your own and I can understand how that can happen because I had the opposite experience. My mum BF all 4 of her kids so I just always thought I would definitely do the same. I had lots of attachment problems with DD1 and was crying at every feed for weeks but I never seriously considered stopping. I just thought 'I have to feed my baby and this is how babies are fed so I better just work it out' even though during feeds I was wondering how the hell I could keep going with this pain.

I do hear the 'if I can' a lot and people buying formula and bottles before baby is born 'just in case' and wonder if it becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think people say i will breastfeed if i can because they are setting themself up for the what if factor. I think its better to have your options open than be thinking that one way is the be all and end all only to be let down. Well thats the way i see it rather than setting themselfs up to fail.

I feel a bit sad when people say 'if I can' or 'I will try'. I understand lots of people have a hard time in the beginning but I think a lot of women need to believe in themselves a bit more. In the end I only breastfed DD for 5 months but I never had any doubts that I would breastfeed while I was pregnant. Like heaven mentioned my mum also fed us kids with no worries so having that influence probably helped.


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I think people say i will breastfeed if i can because they are setting themself up for the what if factor. I think its better to have your options open than be thinking that one way is the be all and end all only to be let down. Well thats the way i see it rather than setting themselfs up to fail.

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Thats why I said it. I always felt instinctively that I would bf and be fine with it (and its been a amazing experience so far with zero issues ever), but the "what if" played a lot on my mind. I didnt want to go in with the expectation that it would come naturally & easily incase it didnt and I was left disappointed. I was very pleasantly surprised and grateful that from our very first bf things have been exactly what I didnt think it would be: natural & very easy and we've had no issues whatsoever. The reason I didnt expect it to go so well was from reading peoples experiences on here & reading/being told that it can take weeks to establish breastfeeding, and struggles & having a hard time with it at the start is normal. So thats why I always said "if I can" or "I'll give it a real go", to try and minmise the disappointment and feeling of failure if things didnt go as I wanted.

I hope that makes sense lol, I am so tired my brain isn't working too well lol

i think its just our society it sucks i didnt buy any formula for either of mine just couldnt handle the pain the first time and went out and bought some

Shan23 - It makes perfect sense :)


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Sad isn't it.
I think the treatment of first-time parents by the parenting community is largely to blame. So many parents are so quick to tell you about the negatives of parenting, or at the very least to stress to a first-time parent that they have no idea of what being a parent's going to be like until it happens. That may be true but we don't have to bang on about it so much.
Personally, I said I will BF 'if I can' because I was too scared of receiving someone's scathing comments about how things may not work out that way and won't I just have to wait and see.
It's the same with birth - why shouldn't we say proudly 'I'm going to have a drug-free vaginal birth' without the pre-fix of 'all going well'...? I was told by so many parents that I was 'crazy' for wanting a drug-free birth and many were surprised at how I hadn't considered the possibility of a surgical birth. But why should I seriously consider something that's unlikely to happen to the point of half-expecting it to happen?

That's thing, I completely understand the doubt that we have as expectant mothers, goodness knows I had it too. And establishing breast feeding was really difficult for me, inverted nipples, failure to attach, cracked nipples etc etc meant that we used nipple shields for the first 12 weeks. But we got there and I breast fed DS for 21 months.

I think the problem is that we come across so many bad stories and old wives tales from well intentioned people, that we are left believing that there is a high probability that our bodies might not be capable of it. I think somewhere along the line the message is being misconstrued from 'breastfeeding can be difficult to establish' to 'it could be impossible for you' (which can be the case, but it is very rare).

I guess my point is that there are lots of things in life that require hard work to achieve, but when we say we want those things we don't feel the need to precurse it with 'if I can'. For example, I want to be a nurse/doctor/midwife/accountant, I want to run a marathon, I want to loose weight, I want to be a good parent, I want to win tattslotto.

It's like we go into breastfeeding doubting our ability to do it, rather than believing in ourselves and our bodies like we do in almost every other area of our lives.

I totally agree. I don't hop in my car every time thinking "I'm going to xyz, so long as I don't have a crash". And the odds of a crash are fairly high but I'm knowledgeable about what to do in case of a crash and I'll deal with it if it happens. Same when I expected to BF, have a drug free vaginal birth, have a home birth... if a crisis happens I'll deal with it but in the mean time I just said "I'm going to breastfeed".

You don't usually tell everyone you are trying for a baby though so you don't need to add a clarifying phrase in case it doesn't happen. I think the sad thing is people ask how a baby is going to be fed at all, would be nice if society just saw everyone giving it a crack as the norm so didn't even think to ask. The reason I always said I will get through labour without drugs if I can or breastfeed if I can is to take the pressure off, then it was only myself fully expecting those things and not everyone I knew too. I don't think it set me up for 'failure', what somebody says to the world isn't always the same thing they say to themselves.

I think along with alot of people it comes from the older generation and what there experiences were and we now live in a much more accepting society to them i believe. I mean if you speak to the older generation and so forth they will tell you they all covered up or would wait to feed there baby until they could be alone or in another room because it just wasn't acceptable practice in front of others and i even found i would get looks from that age group but i didn't care as my baby needed feeding. It is like the whole society has to be retrained in what to do with breastfeeding when it is something that should come so natural.

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what somebody says to the world isn't always the same thing they say to themselves.

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That is very true....

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I think along with alot of people it comes from the older generation and what there experiences were and we now live in a much more accepting society to them i believe. I mean if you speak to the older generation and so forth they will tell you they all covered up or would wait to feed there baby until they could be alone or in another room because it just wasn't acceptable practice in front of others and i even found i would get looks from that age group but i didn't care as my baby needed feeding. It is like the whole society has to be retrained in what to do with breastfeeding when it is something that should come so natural.

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I have found the opposite generally. I was feeding my son on a crowded bus once and his legs were kicking the old man next to me who didn't mind at all. And two older ladies saw me and my H said they were quietly talking to themselves about how lovely it was to see someone freely BFing their baby.

I actually think it can be a good thing for people to be prepared psychologically for difficulties breast feeding. I openly admit that I always believed that people who ended up saying "I couldn't breastfeed my baby" just hadn't tried hard enough (though I'd never say it to their face). So when I found myself unexpectedly one of the very small percentage without sufficent glandular tissue to produce anywhere near enough milk, it was really really hard for me! Perhaps if I had said, I will breast feed if I can, then I would had adjusted better to the difficulties I faced. I think that people should of course be encouraged to breast feed.

Miss E, i wholeheartedly agree with what you have said, and its actually been on my thoughts of late with lots of friends about to have babies, they all say yes ill bf if i can, i want to say you can, but then i dont want to seem to be pushing them, when all i want to do is assure them it is doable. I know a few of them are uncomfortable talking about it with me as i do bf and did have endless issues that i pushed through or solved one way or another (mainly through good friends i found on bb and a good lc) but they feel they cant discuss it with me as i might try to push them or condemn them if they turn to ff, which very much isnt the case. The few who have talked to me say they feel they mightn't be able to because they have heard how difficult it is, so i agree, in part at least it's what mothers put out there that shapes what mums to be believe. i was an if i can girl too, i would only attach to one side for mum, most of my friends ff because 'it's too hard to bf' so i was definately an if i can girl. that is, till i realised i could. we should work on changing the attitudes of mums to be, and IMO education is a major factor, along with the way in which we as mums discuss and describe our experiences

We probably all know at least 1 mother who has struggled and weaned early (if not many mothers who have), so I think these sorts of qualifying remarks are pretty understandable.
It is a learned skill for mum and baby and can take a fair bit of time and effort to establish - not to mention support. There are lots of factors in our society that can make it harder to establish breastfeeding - birth practices, misinformation and ignorance, lack of technical expertise, lack of help and support for the mother at home.

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We probably all know at least 1 mother who has struggled and weaned early (if not many mothers who have), so I think these sorts of qualifying remarks are pretty understandable.
It is a learned skill for mum and baby and can take a fair bit of time and effort to establish - not to mention support. There are lots of factors in our society that can make it harder to establish breastfeeding - birth practices, misinformation and ignorance, lack of technical expertise, lack of help and support for the mother at home.

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Yeah that.

I do think it's an understandable thing to say. With lack of support and so many different issues that can come up with mum and baby, I think it's just reality. It would be fantastic if support was more available so more women who wanted to breastfeed could. When I had ds it took me 6 weeks to see a lactation consultant. Thankfully my situation improved on it's own though.


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I have found the opposite generally. I was feeding my son on a crowded bus once and his legs were kicking the old man next to me who didn't mind at all. And two older ladies saw me and my H said they were quietly talking to themselves about how lovely it was to see someone freely BFing their baby.

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I've found more so with my mums generation - she's 60 but i have to agree with the older people they are normally very welcoming. My mum to this day thinks that women should go into another room as she thinks it makes people feel awkward :rolleyes:

The generation thing is an interesting one as I really think the pendulum keeps swinging where for some generations bf is completely acceptable/expected and for others it is the opposite.

My DH's Nana is delighted to see me breastfeeding, thinks it is the most beautiful thing (93 years old) and I think this is certainly a product of her time where breast feeding rates were pretty high. DH's mother on the other hand almost grimaces when I feed and is visably saddened as she talks about how she couldn't feed and used bottles from 2 months. The interesting thing though is that I have seen DH's MCH booklet and the advice given to MIL at the 3 month mark was to start feeding farax and carnation milk etc. (maybe it was even condensed milk, can't remember now) I can't help thinking that if the advice in the 70's was to get babies on solids and bottles earlier and that took away support networks for mothers in those days and led to a decrease in breast feeding rates that we are still trying to address today?? So maybe this is why so many of our mothers in the previous generation struggled with breastfeeding?? :dunno:

On the other hand, in my family, my mother was a huge breast feeding advocate and a member of the 'Nursing Mother's Association' (which I believe was a precurser to the ABA??) Mum was insistent that I join 'Nursing Mothers' when I was pregnant as I think they were a huge support for her and instrumental in her successfully breastfeeding 4 babies. I think that between my mother and MIL it is telling what a difference support can make.

This is all anecdotal from my close community of course... and is slightly off topic, sorry!

When it comes to "if I can" I think that you are quite right Miss E and quite possibly there is a bit of

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It's like society sets us up to fail in some ways

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When I fell pregnant I used the 'if I can' when I talked about breastfeeding, I was more than keen to bf but I was aware that some people find it difficult/impossible. I guess I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones. My thoughts were challenged though by a friend who is a midwife and is an old 'Nursing mothers' member who pulled me up and said, "Not if you can but when you do"! It made me think twice and got me researching about breast feeding.

I ended up with a number of challenges when it came to establishing breast feeding - mostly due to my c/section and a lethargic baby who missed her vital window for attachment. I struggled for 10 weeks to get to pain free breast feeding but I kept the thought of "I will do this" rather than "if I do" and I think it was a really positive help to me. I guess my mother's experience that I learnt from, support in my circle, research before birth and my mantra was what helped. I am not sure I would have made it otherwise.

Still, I completely understand that some people feel that using the "if I can" is helpful for them as they feel they are open to any eventuality. I guess we all approach and respond to challenges in different ways. At the end of the day I think there is a need to change societies attitudes more than anything

Also, a lot of people who have not BF'ed (for whatever reason), will project onto you. As a first-time mum, I've had this by the bucketload.

"I'm going to breastfeed."

"If you can! I/my friend/my MIL wanted to but couldn't, you should be prepared blah blah blah..."

I can completelyt understand how, having heard that type of response for the nth time, someone might start to dread that answer, or feel insecure and add the preface, "if I can". I haven't personally, when people have reacted like that with me, I simply smile and nod, and sometimes add, "well, every journey is unique!"

I said it. All the way through. I know SO many people who couldn't. I know people who actually couldn't, and I know people who "couldn't" I thought that way all the way through, was reluctant to buy too many BFing tops or maternity bras, in case I couldn't.

Then, at 37 weeks, I read something by Sue Cox along the lines of what meow said. I had no reason to assume I couldn't, so I became determined that I would. And I did.

So now I hate to hear it too.

I think when you have a really strong opinion that you can do something - e.g "I will definitely be able to breastfeed", often people like to bring you down. Putting 'if I can' is a way of mitigating that and closing yourself up a bit to potential attacks. Even if it is something you really believe it, it can be tiring to be an activist all of the time. In short, I wouldn't necessarily take it as a sign the mum is doubting herself.

I never said 'if I can'. I just assumed I could. My mother home birthed and breastfed so that was my 'normal'. I remembered my sister breastfeeding and the mastitis and tears so I didn't expect it to be easy but I knew it was achievable.
It was only later that I realised that lots of women didn't breastfeed.
I do agree that by buying ABM just in case and using the phrase if I can that women are to a certain extent self-sabotaging. I think that you do need to believe in yourself.

I knew I was going to give BFing a red hot go. When we ran into trouble because of Tongue Tie I didn't know what was causing it. I said I was going to do it. Four weeks of agony and THEN TT was diagnosed. Phew! A plan of action so that I could fulfil my determination! Cos not BFing wasn't an option. There was plenty of milk and DS was stacking on the weight, it was just that I was in agony. And I knew to trust my BFing friends who only told me, over and over, "it just clicks". They never said "well, some women just can't and that's what formula was invented for". I was LUCKY to have this circle of women. I'm not sure now if I just didn't have people around me saying "if you can" or if I just blocked them out.
There was only a few of those who reverted to this contentious behaviour when it came to birth. And I was planning a birth centre birth (didn't even tell them about being pg with DD, or that I was planning a homebirth!). I ended up removing myself to the car or the loo or just outside in the garden when they'd start up about how I can only plan so much, 'take the drugs', "I was drugged to my eyeballs and it was great" yaddiyaddah. It was so unfair for them to project like that, so I just would leave them to it. It was like they were earning badges of honour for their stories, so I called them "The Badge Club".
So, I didn't escape the naysayers, but they were there for when I really needed them with unending support for my BFing ;)
The 'if I can' disclaimer seems to be an addendum designed to appease women who think it's arrogant to assume you can breastfeed, when those women lacked the supports they needed when it was their turn. So, they're not saying you can't, they're definitely projecting a disappointment and not wanting other women to be let down - not realising that there are some things you can do to make sure BFing can happen. And what can you say to those women, when they've had their turn, can't go back in time and feel ripped off? It's a delicate situation - just like with birthing opinions!
Head down, bum up, I say ;) Know what you want to do, have the supports in place and have someone to debrief with when you don't want to pull someone up on their negativity.
I'm breastfeeding a nearly5yo and a 19mo...one develops a thick skin along the way...

Yes i said it...

Woman around me had not had a lot of sucess with breastfeeding so i was not expecting it to be easy for myself either. I think when woman who had trouble say 'i couldn't do it' you therefore wonder if you can.

I even said it while pregnant with #2 (even after feeding DS1 for 13 months), this time around i was still questioning how i'd go establishing feeding with a toddler running around.

With #3 i didn't think it as much and she was the one that gave me a few early issues which had me questioning whether or not i'd be able to continue feeding.

If i speak to family or friends expecting their first child and wonder about breastfeeding i say be prepared for a challenge and you'll need a lot of determination but give it a go.

Great posts ladies! It's really got me thinking... To me it seems like a cultural thing, it's like we as women (probably not 'we' but the general population) seem to try and justify other peoples decisions to stop breast feeding by continuing to propel the perception that it not uncommon for a woman to not be able to breastfeed. It's like we are protecting those who have made that choice by not saying 'it's hard work, but if you perservere you will get there', because saying that could be perceived as someone saying 'you gave up to easily' iykwim?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for being sensitive to others and avoiding putting people down where ever possible. But I think that as a society, by doing this we are inadvertently saying to mums to be that you should give it a go, but if it gets difficult you may as well give up. When women begin their breastfeeding journey, they're probably embarking on it with this in mind. Where is the empowering 'it can be hard, but you can do it'. Some of us who make a point of educating ourselves embark on the journey with this perspective and TBH I think that is what gets us through and allows us to BF successfully despite the obstacles we face.

A lot of my close friends are pregnant now, which is what has got me thinking about this. And TBH most of them really haven't done anything to inform themselves about birth and beyond other than the general chit chat you have with other women. Like me they all use the 'if I can' line. What makes me worry is that I honestly think that they truly believe that it is more than likely that they won't be able to BF successfully, so will only give it a half hearted go iykwim?

In other cultures, I don't believe that women embark on the journey with this self doubt. I think it's sad that in a society such as ours where we constantly preach about equality and how girls/women can do anything and be anything, we undermine one of our most basic/innate abilities, so much so that the general belief is that there are many women who 'can't' BF.

how did people get on before formula was invented? when there was no other option did they doubt their ability to bf? ive often wondered about this too.

This is a really interesting thread :) I was determined to bf! I watched my sil feed her twins and she definitely inspired me. I also had my mum who was a nursing mothers association counsellor (ABA now). She didn't bf me(first bub) and was devastated. I was premmie, tiny and she had no support and was forced to put me on formula due to poor weight gain. She got all the usual crap, not enough milk, too watery etc. She was determined and joined Nursing Mothers with me as a nb and was the only one bottle feeding but learnt heaps and bf both my brothers for more than 2 years each :) she became a counselor and would hold meetings etc and set up / roster the feeding/changing tent at local events like the show, races etc

She said if I'd been her second baby or she'd had the right support she would have bf me no worries.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my mum taught me that just about anyone can bf with the right support, guidance and perseverance- and I believed her :)

I think I said "if I can" for a while with my first, probably for the same reason of avoiding the attacks for being so positive if I didn't say it. I copped flack for planning a drugfree birth and using cloth nappies too. Sadly you quickly learn not to say anything :/

After chatting to a midwife at our antenatal classes tho, I think I dropped the "if I can" and changed it to saying I'd breastfeed for at least 12 months :)

I don't doubt that the placenta is feeding my baby.. so why should I doubt my boobs? Yes things can get rocky, cos it's not as automated as the placenta! and I had a few toe curling moments myself, but I agree that planting that doubt in the first place does undermine confidence probably more than we realise.

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how did people get on before formula was invented? when there was no other option did they doubt their ability to bf? ive often wondered about this too.

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I heard somewhere that in some cultures women swap babies, so the mother with the sore cracked nipples gets an older, better attaching baby for a little while to rest her nipples (like we express now) and the other mums take a turn with the newborn. If a mother genuinely doesn't make milk then I guess survival of the fittest comes into play and we can just be grateful we have access to formula instead.

I saw my sister expressing and getting through all the pain of cracked nipples with her first and I knew it was something that could be overcome. Most people around me are BFs so I had plenty of sympathy and support and encouragement that it gets better. When I was struggling with number two I remember my MW saying to me that I was doing great and many women wouldn't have continued to persist like I was and I just said "I don't know what else I can do... well, I know there is formula but it's just not an option". I do make milk. I struggled with supply with both children and I struggled hugely with pain and poor attachment (they were both born with high palates, recessed chins and 2nd had a tongue tie) but I DO make milk and I was going to BF.

Yeah, I wanted to add more to my post but wasn't sure how to word it. I guess we do tend to censor ourselves sometimes, not just in regards to bf. If I state a definite intention to do something that someone else found difficult or was unable to do, am I suggesting they somehow failed or were not good enough? And so we add the qualifier to acknowledge their situation.

I do now remember saying "If I can" to my mother and she said: Of course you can. Why wouldn't you?

In other cultues first-time mums often practice with older babies before they have their own. And if they have trouble with attachment etc, sometimes a more experienced mother will feed the baby for a bit to 'train' them, while the new mum can practice her technique with an older baby. And wetnursing was always an option where mothers didn't have enough milk.

In my case it was just the opposite. Being a first time mum I was very excited with my pregnancy and wanted to give the best to my baby. So I made up my mind to breastfeed my baby right from the start. DH and I got all the breastfeeding stuff ready long before my due date - breast pump, breast pads, maternity bras you name it. FF was not even anywhere near the list. Whenever I was asked if I was going to bf I said YES with such conviction. Came baby in September 2010 and excitedly I began of what I thought the beginning of my bf journey with my DD. Complication arose and because of the problem with my breast long before baby, I could not produce enough milk. I tried and in the meantime DD was hungry and crying most of the time. After three weeks, I made the heartwrenching decision to switch fully to formula. DD is 8 months now and growing very well but it still doesn't stop me from feeling quite sad when I think that I did not BF her as planned. Until today whenever I see other mothers nursing their babies I feel tears welled in my eyes. I guess I can't help feeling guilty for not being able to give DD the best - breast milk. In my case failure to breastfeed was never part of my agenda.

I'm really sorry you weren't able to feed your baby the way you wanted to Jill.
I don't think you were wrong to set out with conviction. You did breastfeed your baby - though not for as long as you may have intended - and then altered course when it became necessary. Nothing to feel guilty about.
Have you talked with an ABA counsellor or a Lactation Consultant about your experiences? Sometimes debreifing can really help mums to move on. I know people say, oh it doesn't matter as long as your baby is fed. And to an extent they are quite right. But breastfeeding is more than that for many mothers and how you feel about it is also really important.

Thanks MadB. Sorry for the delay to respond. I can only get to the computer when I have the time, or for that matter the energy to do so. DD is so active and growing so fast I have to keep up with her and at the end of the day I am normally exhausted, and I mean really exhausted. Being a mum yourself you'd understand. To be honest it never dawned on me to share my experience until I came across this thread. I guess I'm still hurting BUT I believe I'll get over it. It just takes time and sharing this helps in more ways than one. Thanks!

That's good! You're always welcome to share your experiences here - it is often very theraputic to just get it out.

I caught up with a close friend of mine on the weekend who's 30 weeks pregnant (actually she was one of the ones who got me thinking about this sort of stuff). Anyways, we were talking about all things pregnancy and birth related, as you do, and I brought up the topic of this thread. I was basically saying how I found it amazing that as a society we tell women that they can do anything they want, run a marathon, become the prime minister, etc etc, but when we say we want to breastfeed, society says 'hmmm not sure if you can'. She too agreed how obsurd it is when you look at it like that and said, that's it from now on 'I'm breastfeeding, it might be hard work, but I can do it'.

Just thought I'd share, it was actually really nice to be able to inspire a close friend and give her the confidence to believe in her body.