I did it, I told DD about her biological father

I had been putting it off for so long, I got the usual threats from DH "if it goes bad ill hate you for life" etc etc but it went exactly as I imagined, she was mature about it she asked questions, she had a small teary but she was so amazing, she asked if she should tell her sister I said perhaps not until shes a bit older.

She made her own decision not to tell her friends, she called her Dad & told him she loves him and shes glad he wants to be her Dad

Ive raised a very mature little girl

Now I just need some support DH is away! Tell me I did the right thing

Of course you did the right thing :) :hug: the earlier kids know these things the better they adjust - can I ask why you're choosing not to tell her sister?
She does sound like a very mature girl :) well done on raising a sensible one lol.

DD2 wouldnt handle that, not yet.

Im not sure how im meant to feel, I feel kind of numb

How old are they (I'm on Tapatalk so no sigs). And circumstances of Dad not being biological in a nutshell? Just so I can catch up?

Why do you think you feel numb?

DD2 is 6.
DD1 is crying in her bed, she was fine after our talk and before she went to bed, i feel sick I think ive done the wrong thing DH told me if this goes badly he will hate me forever

Go talk to her.

Think how long it took you to work up the courage to tell her - this is a big thing - expect her to take some time to process it.

Shes fallen asleep!

Why did i do this again. Im so numb & i just want to throw up

I don't think you've done the wrong thing at all. Openness and respect are role modelled traits, and when she's bigger she'll be grateful and no doubt reciprocate those traits.

She is just processing in her own time.
I'd be proud of her too.

:hug:

I dont understand my own feelings, I cant imagine what she feels

Can you imagine how much worse it would be if she found out from some other method? As an emotional teenager? Or as an adult? The level of betrayal would be massive.

You've totally done the right thing telling her now. She'll take time and process and just make sure you're there to talk to. Be aware at some point she may show interest in her bio father and that's okay - it is in no way a rejection of her Dad. It's a natural, normal curiosity and part of the processing. Just be honest. Age-appropriate obviously but really really honest. She'll sense if you're hiding details or prevaricating and it'll make her less accepting herself of the facts. Open, present and matter-of-fact is the way to go here.
You'll all be fine - and better for it!!

Big hugs :hug: it's a lot for her to process and I'm sure tears are quite a normal reaction. She'll probably need to talk about it more tomorrow and in the days to come, but your honesty will pay off in the ling run. She sounds like a lovely DD and you a lovely mum :hug:

:hug: you definatly done the right thing. i was about 8 when mum sat me down and told me about my "real dad" and "step dad" im glad she did then as i was able to get over it quickly and not hold anything against either of them, if i was told later on, it would have changed how i viewed everything.
you did do the right thing, might not feel like it now, but in time it will.

Amaunet took the words right out of my mouth :hug: You've done the right thing hun.

You have done the right thing hun :hug:
Your DD sounds very mature but it will still take some time to process it all...it is a big thing.
:hug:

You did the right thing xox you made the choice and you know deep down in your heart it is the right one, she had a right to know... (I didn't catch her age, how old is she?) tears are too be expected, these are not bad tears, showing emotion is not a bad thing. When she wakes up in the morning give her the biggest cuddle and just keep being open and honest with her.
xoxox a huge hugs to you and to her xoxox

I feel like this will affect my marriage

shes 9 in oct

Hun,
As much as you DH is doing an awesome job in raising her and bringing her up as his own (kudos to him for that) this really was a decision that had to be told xoxox Stay strong. It might be worth while getting your DD (& you and DH) to go see a counsellor all sort through your emotions with a trained professional, they really are valuable. xox

Great big hugs coming your way! By the sounds of things you did really well. DD is most likely overwhelmed and processing information and will probably have more questions but it's great that it's out in the open so you can keep communication lines open with her.

Please don't think like it will affect your marriage. DH needs to be understanding and open about this too.

I was told at 9 but in completely different circumstances and without open communication. Your DD sounds like she is very mature and with you by her side every step of the way she will be fine.

You did the right thing, I was following your other thread and was hoping that I would see this soon.
Your DD is on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster right now, she may be upset not because of finding out but because of wanting him to be her dad itms? I found out mum my was adopted when I was 13, meaning that nanny and grandad weren't my bio GP's, the circumstances of me finding out were not great, but mum told me that she didn't tell us as she never wanted us to think of them as not 'real' GPs... It didnt make the slightest difference to me or my younger sister, what hurt us more was the secret that was kept from us. I know it's not the same situation, but it may help?

Be there for tour DD answer her questions and give her the love and time she needs to get her head around this, it's a big thing for her, but she is entitled to know
:hug:

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with your dh, he needs to understand that the best thing he can do is be there for her and show her that just because she now knows, it wont change anything. i remember after i found out i was quiet for a while, the onkly thing that made me realise everything was allright was the fact nothing had changed, he was still dad and still doing the things he always done, still treated me exactly the same. it did take a bit but after a while i compleatly forgot about it all. (not compleatly but ygwim)

:hug::hug:

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I feel like this will affect my marriage

shes 9 in oct

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I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I think your DH needs to understand that it's not about him, but about being honest with your DD and what's in her best interest. Her learning this now will be lots easier now than later. Saying that, he obviously loves your DD and is scared that this news will change their relationship. :hug:

Dh says im selfish, that he cant believe I actually did it! He wants me to leave

:hug: babe i am so sorry i wasn't online last night.
Firstly you DID do the right thing, she's taking it ok and things WILL be confusing but chances are if you left it longer her reaction would only be worse.
Regarding him wanting to leave i'm sorry but thats not fair, his male pride is getting in the way of whats really going on here.
Is he angry you went against his wishes or angry she knows.. to me it sounds like he's angry you went against HIS wishes.

You can't take it back hun, you did what you thoughts was right for your daughter, have another chat with her today, be gentle and let her ring him if she needs to, tell him she loves him and she misses him and she can't wait to see him when he's home.

ETA: i was thinking last night how it's weird i was there at the beginning, i knew your little princess before she was even here and now after all this time i've seen how she's grown into such an amazing little girl with yours and your DH's guidance.. your doing an amazing job hun.. remember that.

No offense, but I think he is being a but childish about it and def selfish... Unfortunately it is not about him, it's about her, the fall out if she found out later in life would be so much worse than telling her now.

Him being away however is no going to help the situation, all he will be doing is sitting there worrying about the reception he will receive when he is home and is probably not handling the situation like an adult...
Let's face it, if he leaves he looses both his daughters, he is just reacting poorly.
I think it's important for both him and your daughter that they see each other soon and do something normal, the anticipation of seeing each other again will create anxiety and apprehension if that makes sense.

:hug: you did the right thing


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Ive never wanted to not be alone more than now, I feel sick I feel Numb i havnt slept!

First, your DH does need to stop thinking about himself. It is about them both, & he's terrified of loosing his daughter. My FIL felt the same when DH got in contact with his father at 19.
When will your DH be home? They need to go talk about it. The two of them together. They both need to reassure each other that nothing changes. He's still always going to be there for her. From skinning her knees to boys, he's the one that will always look after her. They both need to know that.
You have done the right thing. They will sort it out. Together.
:hug:

You have done the right thing. Your DH is behaving like a child and if he keeps acting like this he will be the one making it hard for her :hug:

Babe huge hugs!! Don't you ever second guess your own judgement and what you think is best for your DD. She needed to know and if now was the right time that you felt it needed to be opened than so be it.
Your DH needs to realize that this little girl shouldn't e led astray due to others own personal agendas, that's wrong on all levels. He needs to see it as a sense of closure for your DD and realize thy just because she knows his not her bio dad isn't going to change the fact he is her "dad", he has done the things that count and the things to come in the future will be just as good, he needs to think if this, being honest with the person who counts, is worth throwing away?
Your DD now needs all the love and affection reconfirmed from him now and kicking you guys out will def not help the situation, I'm pretty sure if it was him, he would be abit more aware.. Itms?
I get his anger and saddness, he feels as though a rug has been pulled from underneath him and that this will probably put a rift between your DD and him, that's she won't look at him the same, her views towards him may alter etc.. But this is a situation where he just has to jump in and roll with the punches.
You are a brave and fantastic mother for doing so, and no one can fault you on trying to do what's right by your DD, she will respect you for it and will most def love you even more. Don't you ever think you are in the wrong!
Time now is going to be the key, this will be a topic for a while now and all you can do is wait it out..
May I ask though? Has she asked to contact her bio dad? Do you have contact with him?
Lastly I love this saying
"any man can father a child, but it takes any real man to be a father"
That's what your DH needs to remember..
Xoxo


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I wish we were closer hun, like i said on FB he needs a chance to physically see that SHE IS OK and she doesn't feel any different towards him.
Hopefully tomorrow night he will come home, she will give him a great big I've missed you DAD hug and he will get over it.

In the meantime though babe were here for you.
You've raised an amazing young girl, you've done the right thing.

I agree with all the posters above re your DH and what he needs to do. He is a grown up and needs to be one for his daughter. She needed to know about her biological father. You did the right thing. You did :hug:

How long is DH away for? It can't be easy for him being away but depending on your DD's headspace maybe she could make him a little card or write him a letter. If she wants to of course. Maybe that will reassure him?

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Dh says im selfish, that he cant believe I actually did it! He wants me to leave

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Dh says im selfish, that he cant believe I actually did it! He wants me to leave

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Your DH is the one being selfish! Of course it isnatural for him to be concerned about himself in this situation. But really his concern should be about his DD! I feel for him. BUT he really need to grow up here and realise that this ISN'T ALL about him. It is about his DD and what is best for HER. If he keeps on acting imature about this, then he will only be shooting himself in the foot and causing everyone more anguish and hirt then is needed. He may have wanted to live in denial, because it is easier for him; but there is no way in todays day and age that the information wouldn't have surfaced at some point and time. Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring an issue will not make it go away, it will only make it worse in the long run. DO NOT LET HIM GUILT YOU ABOUT THIS. You were the only one here adult enough to put your DD's needs before your own. I hope your DH snaps out of it soon. :hug:

You have totally done the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. Expect your DD to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster about this for a while. Even after she seems to have processed the information, she will likely have 'moments'. But it doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do. It just means she is a normal little girl, who found out something HUGE about herself - when she probably assumed she knew everything there was to know. Be prepared for her to change her mind (repeatedly) about telling her friends and those she is close to over the coming months and years.

I think everyone has pretty much said everything I would have said. You did the right thing hun. DH will come round - he just needs to make sure he doesn't treat DD any differently. Whether he's her bio dad or not doesn't really change the relationship they have. In time, both of them will realise that.

Good on you. You won't regret it!

My cousin found out at 9 that my uncle wasn't her father. Her real father had been sending her money and expensive gifts all her life and my uncles wife kept telling her it was all from a distant uncle. It was such a shock for her to find out that her 'uncle' was her father. She was angry at her parents lying to her.
She is now 15 and closer than ever to my uncle. She still calls him Dad and everything.

You've done the right thing.

I believe, like all the others, that you've done the best thing for your daughter, and she is top priority. You've given her the truth, something that is ultimately quite powerful. DH isn't any less of a father because of biology, if anything, he over time has proven he can be a wonderful father to her. I'm sure time will allow all parties involved to 'swallow' this news, to adjust to the truth and to move forward healthily. I hope that things turn positive very soon, for everyone involved.
xx

Your DH is acting like a selfish child.
You have done the right thing. Unless there's a threat to your child from knowing or contacting their father, your DH has no right to stop them having a relationship.
He's manipulating you and being emotionally abusive. :(
I hope he starts being reasonable soon.

Just wanted to pop in and give you another huge hug hun.
And also see how your doing? :hug:


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I really think you did the right thing.
When is your dh due home? I really think he will calm down once he sees for himself that everything is ok. Have they spoken? How was your dd today?
I can hear the stress in your post from this morning, I hope you're ok

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I can understand why he is upset. I think given you both have shared raising this child, and the father has had zero contact he is by all rights her father and should have a say in how this was dealt with. Of course he's upset, he's probably terrified he is going to lose his daughter. I would be too. Having gained an unbiological child as my own recently if something or someone threatened what we have now I'd be terrified too, and I'd probably say some irrational things. Personally (whilst I don't know your history) I think you really should have got some professional help in on this one, not just for your daughters sake, but for the sake of your husband and your marriage, and so you as parents can both work out a way on how best to deal with this. Yes there isn't any right time for her to deal with this, but at 6 she is completely emotionally and psychologically unequipped to deal with this and process it on her own.

Put yourself in her shoes and in his and you might get a better idea of what they are both going through. No you aren't selfish, nor do I think you have done the wrong thing, but I do think you need to get some help for you all. This isn't just about you or about your daughter, blood or not a father is hurting and he needs some support too.