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i just found out my step sister is 8 weeks pregnant. she sat in my house 2 weeks ago knowing she was and didnt say anything to me, and got mum to do her dirty work for her.
2 months, thats all he'd been gone for before they started trying. im hurt beyond belief. how am i ment to deal with this?
woah, this is a tricky one. I am not sure anyone would know how to act or what to think in your family right now, and unless you are all amazing at communicating and working through things together you can probably assume they really didn't know which way to go about telling you???
I have spent the last year supporting a friend who lost her full term baby hours after birth and I have wanted to shelter her from so many things that I think and have experienced with my baby (born weeks before) but quickly saw that it wasn't helpful for either of us for me to be constantly watching my words and trying not to hurt her further. How could I possibly hurt her any further, she was in such deep grief, a mother grieving her baby. Life was moving whilst she was stopped in her tracks. What I could do was support her and love her no matter where she was when I saw her or talked to her. We are blessed to be able to gift each other with honesty in a trusted relationship, this takes a truck load of work and consciousness from each person.
What you can do is work with everything that this scenario is pushing and bringing up for you, it's totally ok whatever it is, don't be polite about it, but if you cannot 'work' through it with sister or mother then support yourself and work with it elsewhere. THis moment is another moment for you to work with this and free yourself just a tiny bit more as you walk on this challenging path. Keep asking questions of yourself that you may never get the answer to, be gentle and loving with yourself as this latest shock passes through you. And ask for support from those who can be clear and loving without getting tangled in and making it muddier for you.
Keep looking towards something bigger to give you hope and strength as you walk.
Take Carexx
I'm sorry I'm not going to have any advice for you. I don't honestly know how you would deal with something like this. I know it is ineviatable that someone close will fall pregnant eventually I can see how hurt you would be when they were trying when you just went through the loss of you little man.
I send you huge hugs and I think you have the right to feel angry at the moment.
Skybie - ahhh sweetie..... the grief journey is so very demanding.... ladybirdflies said it pretty much perfectly..... I know how tough where you are right now is, and how it just feels so personal.... but most of the time it's not. People are not perfect and they have absolutely no idea how to navigate the recently bereaved. They are scared to hurt you, but in all honestly pretty much everything is going to hurt you right now. And right now it seems the world is full of pregnant women or lil babies....
So how to deal with it? Well a couple of options -
Ignore them or just distance yourself from them. It works for some people. Never did for me really. Well it did for strangers, but not for family and friends. My grief was a time to have the support of those I cherished, even if it was hard for me at times.
Talk to them and tell them that them not telling you hurt and you'd rather them just talk to you, and yes you might cry when you see them, and yes you might cry when they talk about their pregnancy, but that's ok, and that your crying is just how you connect with your Jack.
Don't talk to them, and just muddle through, best you can.
It's hard for them too now. I imagine that they might ( if they are genuine people) feel so guilty that they are pregnant and your Jack is gone too soon. Well that's how I would and have felt.
No one can stop the hurt my blossom, but we can be here to comfort you and help you through.
God its awful when you hear it from someone else isn't?
For me it's funny, some people I cope with just fine and others I end up in knots over.
Do what you need to do and if thats blocking their posts on facebook or leaving the room when they start talking about it, so be it.
Huge :hug:
I guess getting someone else to tell you seems like they are being kind to you but really they are being kind to themselves. They say they do it cause then you can have privacy to react however you need to, which means they know you will take it hard...so why not do it in person in a loving way!
2months is not long enough....but would there ever be a better time? 3months? 4months? 4 years? Jack it meant to be here hun, he is meant to be in your arms! The pain doesnt go away :cry: They cant stop living their life no matter how much you wish they could!
So sorry for you loss Hun :(
I don't want to hurt or offend you, if I do let me know and I'll delete my reply but my view is from the other side of the fence...
Are you sure they didn't have plans if trying before you lost your precious bub? My SIL just m/c, and were ttc #2 at the moment. When we found out about her loss a few days ago I felt guilty for if we conceive soon but we can't put our family plans on hold forever because a) we don't know how long it'll take her to conceive, b) we don't know how long it'll take us to conceive and c) we want our kids close in age for our own reasons. Your step sister probably expected it to take quite some time to conceive, and possibly didn't tell you herself because she cares and didn't want to hurt you.
In saying all that, my point is she probably wouldn't have done it to hurt you, even tho it might seem that way now. It'd be too much to expect you to see it from her side just yet as you need your time to grieve, but go easy on her, every pregnancy is a blessing, maybe just ask her not to talk about it too much in front of you for a while.
:hug:
just to update, i msged her and said, i would have preffered to hear it from you, im hurting right now so please dont be suprised if you dont see us for a little while.
She lost her nut, asked me if it would make me happy if she got rid of it so i could have a baby first and basically carried on like a little child. my step brother deleted me off fb and his girlfriend put a very very hurtful fb status up about me.
i've written them off, i dont have time or energy for games
Oh Skybie, that's terrible :( Sounds like they're being very immature. I'm shaking my head that some people can be so insensitive.
You've done nothing wrong in sending a msg :hug: I'm lost for words!
i just wanted her to know that i knew and how i was feeling, i didnt antagonise the reaction she gave me in any way. i always end up being the bad person in these situations, even though i havent done a single thing wrong.
If she thought she'd done the right thing by getting pregnant so soon she wouldnt have reacted the way she did, so she knows what shes done isnt right
You aren't the bad person :hug:
Sky - you did the right thing, they are being childish. Rise above it, just like you are doing. You are far more the bigger person.... and keep it that way. I am sorry that they weren't adults about it. Hugs for hard times sweetie.
I am lost for words over the reaction from your step sister (in paticular), step brother & his gf. Even if your step sister felt all of those things, there is no need to say it out loud - she could have taken a more respectful approach and acknowledged your feeling in all of this. Glad you have written them off, they sound horrible.
I told mum I wasnt doing christmas this year, it's going to be hard enough to get through without having to see her hugely pregnant, and seeing the other two who blatantly disrespected me. She said you'll be ok you'll be pregnant by then and everyone will be friends again. I keep telling her she's wring but she doesn't get it.
All my step sister needed to say was I'm sorry I didn't tell u myself I understand if u need to take a step back. If she had of said that I would have seen her again, it would have been hard, and it would have hurt but I still would have done it, not now though
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I missed your updated bit.
Sounds like a little understanding on her behalf would go a long way.
Sorry you're having to deal with this.
Skybie that sounds terrible. I don't blame you 1 bit for not doing xmas. It's hard enough as it is after losing a baby without dealing with immature crap like that! I'm sorry you have been treated this way. A little understanding could have gone a long way on their part. Not very nice at all..
Hugs Skye.
It sucks, it really does and i 100% get you not wanting to do christmas ect, i kinda know.
my situation was different but it was still hard My SIL was already pregnant when i got pregnant But she had the most gorgeous baby belly and i was facing my first christmas with out Kyarna. Nothing anyone says will make it any easier, nothing anyone will do can make it any easier now. They way they reacted was wrong and very childish. As much as it hurts really bad, its only your world that stopped the day jack was born and everyone else carrys on. You never know how these kinds of things effect a angel mummy until you yourself become one xxxx
oh sky its the last thing you need at the moment and as if all this goes away if you are pregnant again by xmas......gee i know child loss is a hard thing for people to deal with but it really only takes a little thought or consideration on their part!
I'm so sorry Skybie that they are being so immature and hurtful. I wouldn't be wasting any energy on them hun, you are still grieving and it's just HARD enough without this cra*. Always remember to look after yourself first hun and don't worry about the others. Huge hugs babe :hug:
Wow @ her reply to you.... I can't believe that someone would say such a thing. You don't need to have lost a baby to know that that is really mean and nasty. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. xoxo
Bobbie - so true , you just never really understand it until you've walked the bereaved parent path, and you just never know how you're going to be affected, until you are in the thick of it. Sometimes the most obvious things don't even affect me but the left field ones do.
Sky - wow, it just gets worse for you in terms of insensitive comments in your family..... for christmas 2009 DH and I I spent it at home with our fur babies and angel babies, just our little family. Nothing from the outside at all - no calls, no presents from other people. Just us and our broken hearts. It was just what we needed. Do what you need to do. If people don't understand, then big fat raspberries to them. I have taken a step back from a few people who just weren't able to be considerate of my feelings. And there are others that I just can't take a step back from and consequently, because I haven't, I let them hurt me time and time again. But I make that choice.
I think your decision to take a step back is the best one for you right now. People deal with situations differently and I believe you know what is best for you. So walk away for awhile and only surround yourself with those that give you the love and support you deserve. It's hard because it is family but it may be the wake up call they deserve, and if it doesn't wake them up then you are a stronger person for the experience.
Hope you feel better soon!
This is playing on my mind at the moment.
My SIL is 33 weeks pregnant and we're spending Christmas with them this year.
I dont want to go at all now but our girls are so looking forward to it that it break their little hearts if I said we were'nt going.
So I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I know the issue is mine and not her's but it still hurts and will only be just oer 4 weeks since Reid's passing when we get down there.
It makes it worse that in my opinion, she doesn't even want the baby. The family didn't find out until about 5 weeks ago that she was even pregnant. She kept it a secret that whole time but told friends. Her poor mother found out through "town gossip". And she's even drinking and smoking dail whilst pregnant.
Its fu**ed up that people like me, who cherish the life inside them, have to go through the hell I''m going through now whilst she's abusing her baby already. No respect at all.
So thats my quam at the moment.
How the hell and I going get through that??
Sara, I'm sorry to hear about Reid. I imagine it's a roller coaster for you at the moment. Can you shorten the amount of time you spend there on the day?
I hope you have lovely Christmas with your girls & that with love & support you get through this tough time xx
Sara can u send the kids off with DP and say you're not up for it? christmas will be hard to get through anyway.
FWIW i still havent seen or spoken to SIL
big hugs gorgeous xxx
Unfortunately, they live 8 hours away and our plan was to spend a week or so down there. :(
Its so hard because I was really, really looking forward to Christimas this year. Our last 2 have been with just us, no family. So we were all looking forward to a family filled Chrissy.
I would have been 21 weeks by then. :(
So it seems I'm just going to have to deal with it.
I was going to go to SANDS coffee meet this morning at 10am but DD1 has a presentation at school at 9.30 so have to go to that.
I really feel like I have to be around people who IRL who know what I'm going through.
oh that does make it very very tricky. Wish i was closer so i could come over and have a chat with you hun :(
if you want you're more than welcome to add me on FB,
search for skye pope, my display pic is of my DD's in christmas outfits. or you can pm me on here any time u need to talk. always remember, everything you feel is valid, nothing is silly and nothing should be swept under the rug.
Sids have a line that u can always call, theyre lovely
xxx
Oh how horrible Sara,
I just dont know what you do. It would be horrid to be home alone and miss out on xmas with the girls but it would also be extremely hard to see SIL and her bump.....
I understand that seeing people IRL that understand.... I could come over and we could meet at a park? But i dont want Molly there upsetting you more.
You just need to pick the lesser of two evils i guess, gee what another crap thing in an already crap situation :(
Thanks Ladies, I really appreciate the support :)
Tegam - Thanks so much for the offer hun. I really appricate it. Its getting closer and closer to chrissy now so prob best to leave it until after new years. Thank you so much though.
There is about 3 weeks till we leave. I'm hoping that by then I will have gained back some of emotional strength and that I will be able to cope with being around SIL. I have no choice really. I will be fine. I know I will.
I think I'd probably suck it up for the sake of my child/children because I wouldn't want them to miss out on all the fun stuff at Xmas. I'd immerse myself in their day & avoid SIL like the plague. If she started grumbling about her pg, I would move to another room or make myself busy in the kitchen, somewhere else where she isn't. ((hugs)), what a truly awful situation to be in
And you can always mouth off in here about SIL as much as you need! just dont forget your mobile recharger!
Oh Sara :( I wish there was something I could do to help with the xmas situation. I haven't walked in your shoes., but I'd like to offer some practical help for the road ahead. I can babysit, pick up groceries and deliver, make and freeze meals, anything. I'm on the GC so close enough to get to you if you need it. I can free up some time for you to go to a SANDS meeting etc. Your wish is my command hun. PM me if there's something I can do.
Hi everyone, I don't usually post here - but I do lurk around a bit for advice etc, a friend recently had a stillborn born boy so I've been unsure how to behave around her as I am TTC, which she knows about. I just had to comment on this thread. If it offends/upsets anyone please let me know and I will remove it.
skybie, I'm really sorry how your step sister & brother are behaving. There are no words. Grown adults just don't behave like that, especially to someone who is grieving!:hug: I don't have any advice for you hun.
But I do have to agree with Little_mrs wholeheartdly, and she probably put it better than I will, but here goes. I am definitely not saying you deserve how they have treated you - IMO they are absoloute rubbish and you are better off without them. However, coming from the other side of the fence (this is very hard to word, I do mean this in the nicest way possible), you cannot be expecting other people to put their life plans on hold because you lost your son.
From my perspective - above mentioned friend who lost her son is upset at me for TTC, in her words "how dare you have a baby when I've just lost mine! You are so selfish" :| I really just do not know how to react to that. DH and I originally started trying in January, but an operation set us back... I want a baby more than anything, why should I not have a baby just to not upset her? That is really unfair and is putting a lot of strain on our friendship. I understand you wanted to hear about her preg from her, but your OP says "2 months, thats all he'd been gone for before they started trying. im hurt beyond belief." - the pain will never go away for you, but when would have you given her permission to have a baby? What right do you have to tell her when she can or cannot have a baby? That's how I would feel in her shoes (of course I wouldn't react how she did).
it was just a shock how quickly they did it, given we were very close. lke i said, i dont expect anyone to put their plans on hold because of me, but a bit of warning would have been nice. im not saying it would have been easier but atleast the shock factor wouldnt have been there. it would have taken a while to accept, but im sure i would have eventually, but given how ive been treated by them since i havent and wont have anything to do with them again.
im sorry you're in a similar situation and your friend will becoming more accepting of it in time, but for the moment its like a kick in the guts and u saying to her, look what i have and you dont. im not saying that IS what you're saying because of course you're not, thats just what it feels like
Yeah I can understand the shock. But were they trying when you were still pregant? Or was it like they decided to almost 'replace' your son? Would you have preferred they have told you they were TTC?
Sorry I just got the same vibes from your OP that I got from my friend. I agree though to distance yourself from them, I would excpect my friend to do the same if I acted like such a pig! Though, she's known we've been TTC since day one, so I'm not sure what she would expect to happen. She actually wants me to stop TTC until she's ok with :| like, what the?
I think with the whole "look what I have and you don't" is probably why she didn't tell you herself.
I can't imagine how it would feel to not hold your baby in your arms. I'm so sorry. It's hard enough TTC for ages and seeing all of your friends around you having babies :(
Noone knew they were trying. Even her dad didnt take the news too well.
I guess it depends on the individual, my best friend has put off ttc until after this baby is born. Ive ttold her its fine to try I want them to have another bub, but she wants to protect me which is very selfless of her
LN: I think all skybie is trying to say is they made a bad situation worse by not showing her any respect. Nothing could have made it ok but just them thinking of her for a second would have made the situations much better.
Hugs Skybie
Glad you have such good friends around you hun!:
I totally understand.... I'm the 'oldest' sister in my family and my beautiful sister has two children... I love her and the kids, but it was still hard. ALL of my friends have kids, and being newly married, the "when are you having children" conversations are starting to arise. People don't know we have been trying for 3 years, but in the end, all I can do is be happy for them. So far (touch wood) I haven't had anyone be sneaky or nasty about their own pregnancies towards me.
I've managed to stay calm, and love them and their situation. I know my circumstances are totally different you will get through this current journey before you know it. love these children and one day your very own prayers will be answered.
The only time I've ever been pregnant, I lost the baby at 5 weeks, and I know that isn't the same. I'm not beginning to claim I can walk in anyone elses shoes, but know this, you can get through whatever is thrown at you. Don't worry about other people and their reactions. If they want to carry on like pork chops, you don't need that. Make room and time for love in your life. That's all you need.
I hope so badly you get what you want out of life over the many decades to come. In the mean time, stay strong and focused on your family! Rise above (like you know you can) the other crap, it isn't worth your pain.
You are worthy of enjoying christmas and all it brings.
Take care x