[VENT] Argh! Family issues!

Ok, i'll make this as short as i possibly can. My parents are usless, we are pretty much orphans. The we is myself, my 20 yr old sis, 18 yr old sis and 15 yr old brother.
My 15 year old brother is currently running amok on the gold coast by himself couch surfing and not going to school. My 2 sisters are living with me.

Ok...so i have always taken care of them, my dad was abusive and tried to kill my mum when i was 13, after which she had a nervous breakdown and the rearing of the kids fell to me. So they are used to me being 'mum'.
It gets worse when my mother gets with a ****head who is 8 years older than me (12 years younger than her) when im 16. Then she has a baby to him when i was 18 (we barely had a relationship due to her partner attempting to rape me 7 months previously- my mother is aware of this but is still with him anyway)

So, my 20 yr old sis asked if she could stay at my house for a couple of weeks because her lease was running out and she no longer wanted to live with her flatmate and needed to save enough money for bond. She said she'd give me $50 for food a week. I agreed. She's been here for 2 and a bit months now and screams abuse at me everytime i ask her when she's moving out.
My 18 yr old sis is living with me until january, to get her set up. She gives me $50 a week for food.
BUT they are pigs who don't clean up after themselves. They don't listen to me when i ask them to clean up after themselves. Apparently because i'm a SAHM i should be doing it, because 20yr works full time and the other part time. WTF??
I'm driving them everywhere and not getting any fuel money for it. :(
I cook dinner for them every night, they don't even wash up.
I got my power bill yesterday and it's gone from $230 (last bill with just us) to $362 with them here.
I am soooooooooooo sick of it, of having to play the parent. I feel like i have to wipe them from my life too because i always get sucked dry like this (this isn't the first time they have lived with us) and i agonize over how this affects my own family. Im having a baby in september for gods sake.

I just had to get that out, there's so much more but i just can't write anymore, im too depressed :(

Oh hugs hunni, that sounds like a toxic family life.
Could you set both your sisters up with an ultimatem - they start providing 100 a week (to cover rising fuel and elec) and they clean up after them selves or they have 2weeks to get out.

You do need to think of your own little family xoxox

Thanks MN- I don't think they would pay $100 a week. My 20 yr old sister didn't pay me for a month as it is! I have threatened them....but i know that they have nowhere else to go. I'm just frustrated, and getting really depressed :(

Don't threaten unless you are going to go through with it... You need to start thinking of yourself if you are getting depressed this is not a good thing for YOU and if YOU are not healthy in mind/body/soul then your immediate (DF and DS) are going to start to suffer for it. I know it sucks but you need to get tough and stand up for yourself chicky. You are not their mother you do not owe them anything or HAVE to be here, they are taking you for a ride... xoxox Big hugs.

if they are both working and getting benefits of centrelink i presume... why cant they contribute more than $100 a fortnight? thats ridiculous to expect you to providethe extras... you arent there mother....

I would tell both your sisiter to get a place together and help them get a place, without needing a full bond through the department of housing. they will give them three weeks rent as bond and the extra rent money should they need it. All they have to do is fill out a form and they could look for private rentals, through real estate agents and then apply, and then get the bond and get out of your hair. they can still choose where they live etc. You need to think of your family.....

they wont ever leave otherwise :)

Thanks MN- i know your right. I just have to do it. Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply. xx

[QUOTE=Mum2Romone;2851074I would tell both your sisiter to get a place together and help them get a place[/QUOTE]

I reckon that's a great idea. I'd be getting things in motion now for them to go and be responsible for themselves so that you can enjoy your baby in September. :hug:

Sounds like a horrible situation Yas :hug:

It sounds like you really worry about them but maybe it is time to set some boundaries for them and for yourself. It isn't easy to do but they are taking advantage of you and causing heaps of extra stress. They are working and it doesn't sound like they aren't giving you the money because they can't afford it. To be completely honest, you are not doing them any real favours by letting them live there without paying their way. They are getting used to having a lot of disposable income and it will be hard on them when they move out and have to live within their means. I don't want to sound harsh and I say that in the most gentle way possible but it is okay for you to stand up for yourself to them and set some boundaries. It is good and healthy for all of you. If they aren't going to stick to your boundaries, then it might be time for them to go. It is not your job to make sure they have somewhere to go, that is their responsibility.

Huge :hug:

ETA: I just read the comment about helping them find a place and I think that is a great idea too. My last comment doesn't mean that you shouldn't help them if you want to - it just means that if they are stubborn and refuse to get their act together, at the end of the day, it is their job to find their own place to live if they aren't going to work with you :)

M2R- Sorry hun, posted at the same time :) I only asked for $50 for food a week initially because 20yr was only supposed to stay for 2 weeks. She's been here since mothers day. I only asked my younger sister for $50 a week because she wasn't working then. I made it a condition that she had to get a job, and now she has 2 casual jobs.
I will ask her to pay more, my other sister told me she's moving out on the 2nd of july, and hopefully she does! But i doubt it, she's apparently been moving out every week since she's been here :rolleyes:
They were living together, but now 20yr old wants to live in sydney, so is saving to go there.

It's really hard to explain, but it really has always been me looking after them, and trying to get accross to them that i have my own family is really difficult. I am trying to erect boundaries where there never was before.
Thankyou for your advice xxx

I couldn't read and not give you a :hug:

I don't have any advice but the suggestions from the other ladies above sound pretty good- particularly helping them move out together.

I hope they can sort something out soon so you can relax and be a mum to your own little growing family.

PacRakMG- Thanks babe- they were living together but the 20yr is moving to sydney (mind you, it was melbourne, then goldie, then brisbane, now sydney) and the other is staying on goldie.

Just Me- I understand, you weren't being harsh :D I do need to set boundaries- it's just really hard to try and set them when there haven't been any before- i was mum. I financially, emotionally and physically supported them all. I'm just trying to find a healthy new normal for myself and my family. Thankyou for the hugs and advice, i really do appreciate it.

Frangipani- Thanks babe :hug: How are you going? Would love to catch up soon xx

Ok, so i told my sister who is staying til january that she had to start paying $100 dollars a week, which includes food and 2 driving lessons in my car a fortnight. She said that's unfair and too much and she is now giving me the silent treatment. I responded that she could move out if she didn't like it and all she said was' i have nowhere to go'.
I am just so angry that i'm in this position- and i have to try and get the other one to move out on sat like she said she was going to- and to take ALL her **** with her (currently my garage is full of her ****). AND her friends ****. Her ex flatmate has no house and stored all her **** at my house WITHOUT ASKING ME. They just dumped it in there. I have told her to move it out by the end of the week.
Argh!!!!!!

I would remind them that they are guests in your home and if they don't like it, then leave. Not your problem your guests have no-where to go. They want to stay, they are nice to you!

Silent treatment and free storage - that isn't being nice! But then I would happily kick extended family members out if they messed me around. I have put up with their crap for years, I don't need to invite it into my life again.

Oh Yas, I know it's not easy but good on you for taking a stand. I think you are really generous actually - $100 per week doesn't go very far at all and then to include two driving lessons is great. You are a fantastic sister, whether they realise it or not. It must be hard if you are used to taking care of them, but unless you have endless money and patience, they need to realise that this all takes a toll on you too. It sucks that none of you can rely on your mum but you have each other. It's just a pity they don't realise that it is a two way street of helping each other out.

I'm sure it's not the last of it with your sisters, but good on you for standing up for yourself. I think you are lovely and very generous :hug:

At that age they are adults and want to be treated as such....well in thier eyes that's how it works but at the moment they are behaving like children so give them an option. behave like adults or you will treat them like children e.g. curfew, chores, etc.
I hope you are 'helping' your sister box her gear for the move on Saturday so she realises you are taking her at her word. maybe get some paint swabs to leave around saying you have plans to paint the room.
As for the clothes etc they leave around do what I do, throw it through the door onto the bed and close the door. If anything is said just say it's where it belongs.


Also your DH needs to back you. On rent day get your DH to collect their money and sign a sheet/book saying you got the money. Years ago we had a rent book the the landlord signed each week when we paid the rent.

:hug: some people just seem to realise that YOU are the one doing them the favour, not the other way around. Sisters or not, there are still morals they need to live by. Sucks you are going through this :hug: You are such a great and generous person xoxox

You are such a good sis hun, I hope they realise that one day! It is hard with families, I know, you want to help them but don't want to be taken advantage of. Is there a way you can sit them both down and tell them how much this is stressing you out especially as you're having another baby? Big hugs hun, I hope it all works out for you in the end :hug:

Ohh what a crappy situation for you :( you need to take a stand and take care of your own little family and yourself. GL with it all xxx

$100 a week is cheap, especially when it includes food! Maybe get some notices from your local paper for shared rentals and show her just how much of a favour you're doing her if she continues on with the silent treatment. Hope you're okay and not stressed :hug:

Thankyou so much everybody for reading and replying. You all really helped me when i needed it (well, it still helps me lol) Im really grateful.
I'll see how everything goes-my 20yr old sister is supposed to be moving out on saturday but i doubt it will happen. I hope so.
And 18 yr old has agreed to pay $100 a week-she's not happy about it and keeps asking me if i'm going to reduce it :rolleyes:

Thanks again for all your support xxxxxx

Glad things are looking up for you.

I will say though even if they don't like it, they are not only using food, there is water, gas, electricity as well as the petrol for all the running around after them that you do. As for their mess I have one answer to that. If they don't clean up their act, just pick up their belongings and dirty dishes and pop them on their beds. with a note saying that the maid has resigned.

If they grumble about that, then tell them if they cannot clean up their own mess then you don't have the time to be running around driving them everywhere.

they are clearly taking full advantage of you and KNOW that your a soft touch.

Hopefully the eldest will be movin gout for you but I'd also let her go with a warning - if she doesn't move this weekend she'll be contributing $100 for her board and that she too will be expected to clean up after herself. Gosh being an AHM to one is hard enough to keep up with things bugger looking after your two adult sisters like they were your kids too.

Good luck hun

Nae x x

NaeNae- Thankyou :hug: I do throw all thier belongings into the room- but it's just so annoying that i have to cart thier crap up the stairs in the first place. Im 27 weeks pregnant ffs! They are adults, but act like children when they are around me. It drives me mad.
Thankyou xxxxxxxxxx

I didn't realise your place was double story ........ bugger that - put their crap on the door step!

Hugs Yas. I hope that the eldest moves out and you are able to have a little breather. And maybe the youngest will fall into line a little more.

Your nice, I told my little bro if he wants to move it it's $150 a week and no arguements. I hope they know how easy they have it.

:hug:

It sounds like the situation is resolving slowly. It also sounds like you and all your siblings have had a really rough trot and regardless of the fact that you are all officially now adults, I can imagine that to young adults like your sisters they may need reassurance that they are loved and they have someone to turn to unconditionally. Usually that's our parents but unfortunately in your family it's you and that's not really fair when you're pregnant. That also doesn't excuse them being pigs and taking you for granted at all but I wonder if some gentle words may work too like, "I love you, I want to be here for you but when you treat me like this, I don't feel loved either."

I'd recommend that you either have a big heart-to-heart on neutral ground like a cafe or have a few family counselling sessions where you can all talk it out. I think also emphasise to them that you are trying to teach them the skills that they will need to have in the big, wide world - like budgeting. We all have to learn those skills to survive and you're not being harsh at all.

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I didn't realise your place was double story ........ bugger that - put their crap on the door step!

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Lol, I have thought about it!

MN- thanks hun. I think my littlest sis will fall into line-she helps sometimes. TBH i would expect alot more money from anyone else who was boarding with us, but i know that this is the only oppertunity my sister will have to save up money to get the things she needs- like a car, bond, furniture etc. She has no-one else to help her :( xx

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It sounds like the situation is resolving slowly. It also sounds like you and all your siblings have had a really rough trot and regardless of the fact that you are all officially now adults, I can imagine that to young adults like your sisters they may need reassurance that they are loved and they have someone to turn to unconditionally. Usually that's our parents but unfortunately in your family it's you and that's not really fair when you're pregnant. That also doesn't excuse them being pigs and taking you for granted at all but I wonder if some gentle words may work too like, "I love you, I want to be here for you but when you treat me like this, I don't feel loved either."

I'd recommend that you either have a big heart-to-heart on neutral ground like a cafe or have a few family counselling sessions where you can all talk it out. I think also emphasise to them that you are trying to teach them the skills that they will need to have in the big, wide world - like budgeting. We all have to learn those skills to survive and you're not being harsh at all.

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Thankyou :hug: Yeah, my parents are useless, they never should have been able to have kids.....i guess that's what so hard about this situation-they really don't have anyone else.....just me. We have no close aunties or anyone. It was always us together, the awesome foursome :D It tears me apart because i love them so much, have protected them the best that i could, given everything for so long......but it's changed, because i am a mummy and soon to be wife now.
I have my own family that need me, that i need to be able to protect and nurture. Not that i won't be there for my sisters and brother...
We have been talking alot over the last day, and hopefully we'll have more of a chat tonight to sort out exactly what's going on.
Thankyou for your advice :hug: xx